My boyfriend saved my life and I can't say 3 words to him

[BexJ]

I am struggling to type this so if unsure please do ask

Some background first

I work for my now boyfriend, I was back then with my ex. My ex was horrible he would sexually assault me, beat me, starve me, humiliate me, made me record everything (Legal here in the UK - His excuse was "Make sure I'm not flirting with other guys as a sign of trust I let him record me") amongst other things.

I was at work and I hadn't eaten for days, I had no money and I got in to the office before the cleaners and I started going through the bins to eat. I was hungry and didn't care. My now boyfriend now caught me, He calls me in to his office and asks me what is going on. I said "nothing" trying to hide the fact. He says "Leave your things here and come with me". Confused I went. We went to this cafe near to our office, He orders me a breakfast called "The Belly buster". I said I had eaten this morning to which he replied sure you did. I admittedly ate it all and it was so good. Never felt so full. He asked me if everything was ok (We were close at that point as we knew each other for a while). I said no. He seemed unconvinced.

I went home that night and I was sexually assaulted and I was beaten up. I fought back and as "punishment" he has me arrested for domestic abuse. I was a mess. He had all the bruises and had his friends confirm "What I was like".

I didn't ask for a solicitor, I was then charged and remanded in to custody. I was so nervous and scared. I rang my parents who disowned me because I "was in prison and made (my) own bed". A week later I had added my now boyfriend to my call list and I called him.

He answers and asks me what had happened and he had been trying to track me down since I didn't show and a call from a prison got him worried. I tried explaining but my call credits running low. he said to send him a visitors order and he will come in.

He comes in and we talk and he said he knew something was going on but didn't realise it had gone this far and he asked who my solicitor was and I said I didn't have one and just had a duty solicitor at the court. He said he would sort it and he did, A solicitor turns up and he seemed scary but he did get me released at my next hearing without any further charges. I asked him how much the solicitor he got cost and he said "Don't worry, he took care of the bill."

A few years go by as I needed time to heal and I get with my boyfriend, I still have my job and I'm happy, I'm smiling and I've put weight on (Now I'm eating properly). My boyfriend makes me so happy and keeps calling me gorgeous. I see the love in his eyes and he has taken things at my pace. I'm scared if I said I love you back to him he will think that I only love him for what he did and not that I truly would love to spend the rest of my life with him

Before anyone says I need therapy, I am in the UK and currently on a waiting list for councilling. I have also pressed charges against my ex.

[smackie9]

Looks like you have everything covered. Good luck with the court case. 

[BexJ]

I am scared of saying "I love you" to him

 

Currently I am fussing over him, he is in bed not feeling 100% I just hope he truly knows I love him.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, BexJ said:

I am scared of saying "I love you" to him Currently I am fussing over him, he is in bed not feeling 100% I just hope he truly knows I love him.

It's great you found a kind compassionate man. It would help to see a physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. You've been through a lot mentally and physically, so a therapist could help you unpack and sort through some things.

Edited September 16, 2022 by Wiseman2