Advice appreciated

[RebeccaR]

13 minutes ago, scorchio said:

she isn't aware i still speak to her, nor of the depth of feelings

It’s possible she can sense some of this. More to the point, you are continuing to be deceptive. You have simply taken the affair (currently emotional) underground. I don’t know what your wife can do to please you when you are still engaged in an emotional affair.

[Amethyst68]

3 hours ago, BrinnM said:

your W doesn’t appear to be willing to forgive you, and you know that

Why should she forgive him? OP is still actively cheating!

[Will am I]

34 minutes ago, scorchio said:

the answer is truthfully i have no idea . Wish i didn’t have these feelings for OW . 

You have no idea because your heart is torn.

That in itself means that it’s not in one place, committed to your apouse.

If you want to fix the marriage, emphasizing “if”, then you need to push AP away — her presence is constantly inducing these feelings which in turn tear you apart between two women.

I wasn’t able to make any progress in my marriage either until I broke contact with xOW.

[RebeccaR]

If your AP was willing to leave her partner for you, would you find a way to live with part time custody of your son? Just wondering 

Edited October 2, 2022 by RebeccaR
Typo

[scorchio]

10 minutes ago, Will am I said:

 

I wasn’t able to make any progress in my marriage either until I broke contact with xOW.

and was it for the best? are you happy in your marriage ? do you miss your AP or was it all just fantasy ? 

[scorchio]

10 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

If your AP was willing to leave her partner for you, would you find a way to live with part time custody of your son? Just wondering 

i can’t imagine not seeing him every day. i know people go through divorce all the time but i don’t know how i’d manage it. 

[RebeccaR]

17 minutes ago, scorchio said:

and was it for the best? are you happy in your marriage ? do you miss your AP or was it all just fantasy ? 

In your case, your AP has made it pretty clear she’s not leaving her relationship. So your relationship with her is a dead end. So your affair is indeed a fantasy.

If you want to stay married (so you see your son every day? So you’re not living alone in an apartment at 42?), you need to cut all ties to your AP. 
 

[glows]

59 minutes ago, scorchio said:

she isn't aware i still speak to her, nor of the depth of feelings . i am still talking with ow but nothing physical has or will happen. not that this makes it better . 

i am very sorry for the pain i’ve caused my wife but the reaction has been so extreme from the beginning that i don’t think anyone could bear it. her anger is based on the texts she found etc,  i don’t expect her to accept anything but i don’t want physical abuse or especially son caught up in this 

 

Maybe it’s time to actually do something about it then? Instead of feeling sorry and perpetuating the same patterns. The OW keeps you in this holding pattern. It’s not a comfort. It’s a bane and holding you back.

[Will am I]

2 minutes ago, scorchio said:

and was it for the best? are you happy in your marriage ? do you miss your AP or was it all just fantasy ? 

It was for the best.

Reason 1: after deliberation and also conversations on this forum I decided that the marriage still seems viable and deserves a chance. But in order for any attempt to succeed, I needed to get rid of factors which were pulling my heart away and undermining my commitment.

Reason 2: even in the outcome that we can’t save the marriage, I want  to have my hands as clean as possible. I can only walk out without a strong sense of remorse if I know that I have given my all.

 

Yes, sometimes I miss xOW. I miss her beautiful brown eyes, the naughty look when she’d come up with a dare for me or accept my dare for her, the excitement most of all. Also the strong connection I felt on select topics, and the general sense of adoration. But that’s not continuously. It’s only every now and then, and it’s fading. Maybe I wrote more than I should have, but I wanted you to have a picture of how you will miss your affair partner, but you’ll be OK. It will fade. It will be a memory no longer a reality.

[Weezy1973]

@scorchio Your thoughts and feelings don't matter at all. Who you're in love with. Your fear of whatever. How much you care about your son. All just absolutely meaningless at the moment. All that matters is action - what you do. What you do = who you are. So who are you? What kind of person do you want to be? Figure out those core values, and act accordingly.

[glows]

Again, OP, speak with actual professionals trained to deal with marriage issues or divorce and explore your options. Fear often keeps us in the same place but you can dispel fear and find the knowledge you need to make choices. Doing the same thing over and over again though it’s not working is a form of insanity, reliving the same nightmare again day after day. You’re not expected to make major choices without support from correct places.

[scorchio]

35 minutes ago, Will am I said:

It was for the best.

Reason 1: after deliberation and also conversations on this forum I decided that the marriage still seems viable and deserves a chance. But in order for any attempt to succeed, I needed to get rid of factors which were pulling my heart away and undermining my commitment.

Reason 2: even in the outcome that we can’t save the marriage, I want  to have my hands as clean as possible. I can only walk out without a strong sense of remorse if I know that I have given my all.

 

Yes, sometimes I miss xOW. I miss her beautiful brown eyes, the naughty look when she’d come up with a dare for me or accept my dare for her, the excitement most of all. Also the strong connection I felt on select topics, and the general sense of adoration. But that’s not continuously. It’s only every now and then, and it’s fading. Maybe I wrote more than I should have, but I wanted you to have a picture of how you will miss your affair partner, but you’ll be OK. It will fade. It will be a memory no longer a reality.

thanks for sharing mate 

[BrinnM]

4 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Why should she forgive him? OP is still actively cheating!

She shouldn’t. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, scorchio said:

i can’t imagine not seeing him every day

Then why risk it by not only continuing your affair but now insisting that you're "in love" with this co-worker? 

When your wife finds this out (and she will), she may not hit you on the head with a Roomba again, but she may hit you in the gut with divorce papers.

Since she's the mother, makes more than you and isn't cheating, you may be in a rented room paying child support and maybe seeing your son now and then.

You really have little respect for your wife, your marriage or your family. You seem to treat your wife like a nanny, housekeeper and paycheck while you daydream about this co-worker.

Sorry to say but the Roomba over the head incident was the beginning of the problems and it's going to get worse.

[scorchio]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Then why risk it by not only continuing your affair but now insisting that you're "in love" with this co-worker? 

When your wife finds this out (and she will), she may not hit you on the head with a Roomba again, but she may hit you in the gut with divorce papers.

Since she's the mother, makes more than you and isn't cheating, you may be in a rented room paying child support and maybe seeing your son now and then.

You really have little respect for your wife, your marriage or your family. You seem to treat your wife like a nanny, housekeeper and paycheck while you daydream about this co-worker.

Sorry to say but the Roomba over the head incident was the beginning of the problems and it's going to get worse.

im sure your right pal . 

[Will am I]

I guess what we are all writing is make up your mind and act on it… Either commits to your marriage get rid of your affair and give your marriage your best attempt. Or follow through with a divorce, if you cannot find a motivation to remain in a marriage.

[RebeccaR]

40 minutes ago, scorchio said:

im sure your right pal . 

You’re getting a lot of good advice. You’re very dismissive of anyone who doesn’t criticize your wife. You are the one who threatened the family unit by cheating. Not your wife, whose main flaw seems to be that she’s less fun than your unavailable coworker.

[RebeccaR]

Just now, RebeccaR said:

You’re getting a lot of good advice. You’re very dismissive of anyone who doesn’t criticize your wife. You are the one who threatened the family unit by cheating. Not your wife, whose main flaw seems to be that she’s less fun than your unavailable coworker.

Editing to add she has shown herself to be physically abusive. Yes, that’s a problem which needs to be addressed.

[scorchio]

17 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

You’re getting a lot of good advice. You’re very dismissive of anyone who doesn’t criticize your wife. You are the one who threatened the family unit by cheating. Not your wife, whose main flaw seems to be that she’s less fun than your unavailable coworker.

sorry, i wasn’t being dismissive, i actually agree with his points 

[scorchio]

22 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I guess what we are all writing is make up your mind and act on it… Either commits to your marriage get rid of your affair and give your marriage your best attempt. Or follow through with a divorce, if you cannot find a motivation to remain in a marriage.

you are exactly right mate and that’s what i’m struggling with all along . i ideal world i would remain in marriage for sake  of everyone despite how i feel about OW. 

the issue was the intense rage of my wife  which is based on what i did originally and not that i still talk to OW

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, scorchio said:

the issue was the intense rage of my wife  which is based on what i did originally and not that i still talk to OW

Are her outbursts of rage still present when you are around her?

You say she has no idea the affair is still going on.

What is still driving her upset? Is she in therapy?

Edited October 3, 2022 by Alpacalia

[RebeccaR]

26 minutes ago, scorchio said:

you are exactly right mate and that’s what i’m struggling with all along . i ideal world i would remain in marriage for sake  of everyone despite how i feel about OW. 

the issue was the intense rage of my wife  which is based on what i did originally and not that i still talk to OW

Regardless of the inappropriateness of her behavior, it was not unprovoked. Like most cheaters, you merely enjoyed the experience without thinking of the possible consequences.

You say she has no idea the affair is ongoing. Has she asked whether the AP is still working with you? What have you told her? 

[Will am I]

@scorchio

The piece of advice that I feel the strongest about, is that your affair must end.

I’ve learned first hand that being in an affair will cloud your head. You  must recognize this too. If only the all conquering desire to spend this one more minute with OW. But this cloudy head comes right at the point that you are facing a major life decision. You are effectively “on dope” while approaching this T-junction. Not smart.

A big consideration is that both outcomes regarding your marriage need OW to be out of the picture. If you want to work on your marriage it’s obvious. But also the closure you and your wife need for a “good” divorce will require a solid final effort and a good heart to heart connection while coning to the joint decision that you are done and will now enter into divorce negotiations.

Keeping OW in the loop is hurting everyone involved.

[scorchio]

On 10/3/2022 at 10:49 PM, Alpacalia said:

Are her outbursts of rage still present when you are around her?

You say she has no idea the affair is still going on.

What is still driving her upset? Is she in therapy?

yes all the time . every thing i do is a trigger and she has extreme reactions. if i leave the house she asks me who i have been kissing . if i like a friends photo on facebook i get accused of wanting [wanting sex with] them. she has always been a bit like this and of course my betrayal has impacted but it’s everyday and every little thing . she has been trying emdr amongst other things. 

Edited October 5, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[scorchio]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

Regardless of the inappropriateness of her behavior, it was not unprovoked. Like most cheaters, you merely enjoyed the experience without thinking of the possible consequences.

You say she has no idea the affair is ongoing. Has she asked whether the AP is still working with you? What have you told her? 

absolutely true, i never considered the consequences . yes she knows we still work together