Advice appreciated

[scorchio]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

She has been thinking of leaving her partner…but decided to have a baby with that partner?

does that even make any sense to you?

no to me personally but i have seen it done before. one of my best friends thought having a baby with his then partner would revive their relationship. it didn’t . i reckon it’s not that rare especially when women get to into their 30s . but that’s just my opinion

[scorchio]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

So your wife had reasons to check up on you, right?

no, never any reason. i was never unfaithful before this. 

[scorchio]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

Do you agree that if you were so unhappy  with her - you should have divorced her?

one relationship should end before starting another one - that means less people have harm from choosing multiple relationships to manage at the same time.

i wasn’t super unhappy . yes there were things on both sides but it was ok. what was missing led to [my mistake] . since then it’s been hell 

Edited October 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, scorchio said:

there is . as i’m talking about myself . of course it has ramifications. 

Right.

And your wife's anger cannot be eased by anything we can say.

The affair is still ongoing.

There is no understanding and no validation of your infidelity, and the concept is beyond your comprehension of the profound impact and the deep pain of your infidelity.

As you argue, defend, or discuss what you've done or said, I urge you to shift into humility and to see pain.

While you should always defend yourself against verbal abuse and physical violence, you must amend to heal the emotional wounds created by betrayal and overwhelm. Your lack of transparency and untrustworthy behavior indicate this isn't possible.

Meanwhile, your betrayed spouse is left to live in anxiety, uncertainty and heartache. The majority of us are ill-equipped to handle a resistant or belligerent spouse who defiantly refuses to end an affair due to their intimidation and manipulation. Only your betrayed spouse can decide enough is enough, and reclaim both her power and dignity by taking the necessary steps to leave.

Edited October 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Will am I]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The affair is still ongoing.

This.

Please realize the impact. Slipping is one thing. persisting in something, knowing that it’s hurting your wife, is another.

The persistence sends the message to your wife that you don’t care about her feelings.

 

I believe my wife is still with me because I ended the EA on my own initiative and came clean.

[scorchio]

57 minutes ago, Will am I said:

 

I believe my wife is still with me because I ended the EA on my own initiative and came clean.

Will , i was under the impression that yours was PA too as you speak about sexual dares? 

[scorchio]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Right.

And your wife's anger cannot be eased by anything we can say.

The affair is still ongoing.

There is no understanding and no validation of your infidelity, and the concept is beyond your comprehension of the profound impact and the deep pain of your infidelity.

As you argue, defend, or discuss what you've done or said, I urge you to shift into humility and to see pain.

While you should always defend yourself against verbal abuse and physical violence, you must amend to heal the emotional wounds created by betrayal and overwhelm. Your lack of transparency and untrustworthy behavior indicate this isn't possible.

Meanwhile, your betrayed spouse is left to live in anxiety, uncertainty and heartache. The majority of us are ill-equipped to handle a resistant or belligerent spouse who defiantly refuses to end an affair due to their intimidation and manipulation. Only your betrayed spouse can decide enough is enough, and reclaim both her power and dignity by taking the necessary steps to leave.

perhaps she will leave . and shed be well within her rights . 

[Will am I]

57 minutes ago, scorchio said:

Will , i was under the impression that yours was PA too as you speak about sexual dares? 

xOW lives a two hour flight away. It would have been physical if she were closer.

(actually that’s when I realized it had gotten out of hand: I found myself starting to seek out job opportunities for her closer to my area, or business ventures closer to hers)

[scorchio]

25 minutes ago, Will am I said:

xOW lives a two hour flight away. It would have been physical if she were closer.

(actually that’s when I realized it had gotten out of hand: I found myself starting to seek out job opportunities for her closer to my area, or business ventures closer to hers)

so you never actually met her? i suppose that was easier for your wife to handle seeing as she was so far away ?

Edited October 7, 2022 by scorchio

[FMW]

You are choosing to stay in this "hell".  The only possibility of things getting better is removing the other woman from your life completely, including the mental and emotional focus you still have on her.  

Not wanting to change jobs if that's the only way to remove the other woman is understandable.  Not wanting to not see your son regularly is understandable.  But because you chose to get involved with the other woman, you're going to have to make some difficult choices now.  If something has always been missing in your marriage, it's unlikely that will ever change.  Your "reasons" for being tempted are going to remain.

Honestly I don't see how people reconcile when someone chooses to get involved with someone else, even IF the other person is completely removed from your life.  I also don't see moving forward in a healthy way with someone who chooses violence and vitriol to respond.   

You are going to have to take definite action, one way or another, for anything to change.  This isn't just going to blow over.  

 

[RebeccaR]

3 hours ago, scorchio said:

perhaps she will leave . and shed be well within her rights . 

It sounds like you are waiting for her to make the decision for you. Don’t you want to have any agency over your own life, your own future? Same with the OW - you talk about what might happen if she leaves her partner, but not about your own actions. It’s odd how you were able to decide to have a physical affair but can’t decide what you want for your future.

[Will am I]

3 hours ago, scorchio said:

 suppose that was easier for your wife to handle seeing as she was so far away ?

I don't know because I didn't ask. I told my wife what had happened and said I would tell her everything she wants to know. She hasn't inquired much about the details. It seems she doesn't care for the details or finds them to be more hurtful than important. If my wife wants to share, I'll listen. I'm not in a position to interrogate her about her motivations on the matter. 

What she did tell me is that she would leave me for having an affair, but chose not to do that because I took the initiative to end the affair myself and tell my wife. This made a huge difference to her. Which I can imagine. When you catch your spouse having an affair, you'll never know how much further they were planning to take it, or if there were earlier episodes. The infidelity has no bounds and invalidates the marriage. When your spouse comes clean and there is a little bit of trust left, the infidelity may be bound to a specific person, situation and period. That leaves some of the marriage intact.

 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, scorchio said:

perhaps she will leave . and shed be well within her rights . 

Does this thread seem to be of much assistance to you?

Your initial desire to make peace with your wife is not what you want. 

Perhaps journaling would be a good avenue for you to consider?

Edited October 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[RebeccaR]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Does this thread seem to be of much assistance to you?

Your initial desire to make peace with your wife is not what you want. 

Perhaps journaling would be a good avenue for you to consider?

I’m not sure OP realized that peace with his wife (if possible) would require ending the EA with his OW. To that extent the thread has been helpful I think 

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I’m not sure OP realized that peace with his wife (if possible) would require ending the EA with his OW.

There are no indications that he intends to do so.

 

[Lisa]

Hi folks, we're closing up the thread as it is not progressing.  You've all given the OP much to think about and we thank you for your participation.