Advice appreciated

[scorchio]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is abusive to you and your son. She is angry yes, but smashing a Roomba over your head or enlisting your son in adult matters is unacceptable, don't you think? It would help if you discontinued pondering the wherefores and whys of your dalliances and helped your son and yourself through ending a bad marriage. You needn't make excuses for it such as you 'never connected because of cultural differences', etc. That fact is you're both miserable and limping along in a cold war is not good for your son or you or anyone. She took the scorched earth approach (advocated by those infidelity-specific sites you're on) and therefore your marriage is over as you know it..

yes i do think it unacceptable . She has apologised and she said she is ashamed but she has a “ burn the world , say or do anything “  reaction when angry so i have no confidence it will not happen again in he future. 

on top of all my other misdeeds i have been guilty of reading way too many forums on this topic including the ones you mention , hence my uncertainty of feelings about my EA ( is it real or affair fog , is affair fog even real and so on ) 

Edited September 17, 2022 by scorchio

[scorchio]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

She’s dysfunctional and abusive and you’re both incompatible. Did you marry too soon or not knowing enough about her or her background? Acknowledge that and own your mistakes marrying someone incompatible to you. Abuse isn’t ok regardless of what corner of the world it comes from. You seem to have married her without knowing enough about who she was. 

I can’t speak for anyone else and don’t know how you’ll be able to make up your mind. I knew my marriage was over when the issues grew beyond what I knew I could accept and I understood I had to leave to save myself. You’re thinking about your son also but he sees a torn up abusive dysfunctional relationship between his parents where he may already sense his father choosing another woman over his mother, a violent mother and two parents whose norm it is to fight and be violent to communicate. You may already know it’s over. You’ll have to decide when your marriage is over yourself. I don’t recommend counselling in abusive relationships. 

well we have been married 9 years but we were only going out for 2 and only living together for 7 months before marriage , i had doubts about marrying her that’s absolutely true but  before EA we did get along well  and  as i’ve said previously she is a good person and great mum and wife in many regards but the connection has not been there for a while on my side , fallen out of love maybe. for her part i think she still loves me very much despite her traction and she is truly heartbroken by what i have done . 

in my heart of hearts i probably know that i don’t love her anymore but it’s a big big step to leave , hence all my second guessing . 

thanks for your take on the situation 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, scorchio said:

hence my uncertainty of feelings about my EA ( is it real or affair fog , is affair fog even real and so on ) 

Unfortunately shifting from having an affair to "why did I have an affair?" is an equally checked out stance to avoid the realities of the marital discord and ironically furthers it.

[Will am I]

This is where the ball is in your court OP. Search yourself for motivation whether or not you want to work on the marriage. 
 

Some parts of your situation are very relatable to me. I did find motivation to work on the marriage. Your outcome may be the same or different.

Regardless of your choice, do make a good effort at an honest and heartfelt and sincere and deep apology.

 

[glows]

29 minutes ago, scorchio said:

well we have been married 9 years but we were only going out for 2 and only living together for 7 months before marriage , i had doubts about marrying her that’s absolutely true but  before EA we did get along well  and  as i’ve said previously she is a good person and great mum and wife in many regards but the connection has not been there for a while on my side , fallen out of love maybe. for her part i think she still loves me very much despite her traction and she is truly heartbroken by what i have done . 

in my heart of hearts i probably know that i don’t love her anymore but it’s a big big step to leave , hence all my second guessing . 

thanks for your take on the situation 

If you don’t love her anymore isn’t there a risk of history repeating itself? Would you go back to your EA partner some time later or find another person to fill that gap in the marriage? You resent one another and you don’t respect her anymore. 

She may still be in denial and in a rage and is 1000 steps behind but eventually your wife also will have to decide whether she can ever trust you again or whether she no longer respects you too. It goes both ways. 

[scorchio]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately shifting from having an affair to "why did I have an affair?" is an equally checked out stance to avoid the realities of the marital discord and ironically furthers it.

yes i can see that now too, it does no good 

[scorchio]

9 minutes ago, Will am I said:

 

Regardless of your choice, do make a good effort at an honest and heartfelt and sincere and deep apology.

 

agreed, it’s the very least she deserves 

[scorchio]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

If you don’t love her anymore isn’t there a risk of history repeating itself? Would you go back to your EA partner some time later or find another person to fill that gap in the marriage? You resent one another and you don’t respect her anymore. 

She may still be in denial and in a rage and is 1000 steps behind but eventually your wife also will have to decide whether she can ever trust you again or whether she no longer respects you too. It goes both ways. 

all of this has been in my head. I don’t think she will ever trust me again regardless and this will lead to unhappiness for us both i fear. 

i still have contact with EA as work together , feelings still there although nothing has happened since discovery . 

her partners reaction has been the total opposite of mine when it came out (my wife told her partner ) he had buried his head in the sand about it which she finds perplexing . 

its all such a mess. 

Edited September 17, 2022 by scorchio

[Stret]

She might not consciously know it yet, but she actually despises you. All that anger/aggression is actually pain and hate mixed together. You have broken something that you built together for a kiss with someone else, you have feelings for someone else and you are still in touch with that person. It is betrayal that hurts and everyone reacts differently to it. She knows every time you leave the house, there might be someone else and that is what is in her head every time you come back home. She knows deep down that it is over, and it is over because she wants it to be over, not just because you want it. She is hurting as you ruined her life for the time being, family you created together, but she doesn't love you any more or respect you as a husband or a person. She might not be aware of all of this yet, but she will be some day when it's all over, and the time passes by and she looks back... I hope she finds someone who will love her and be happy with her as she is and will not marry her just because they enjoy food together and have a nice time. 

As for you, you will be fine, continue flirting and having affair with that other woman - or find someone else that you have no real connection with just because you're too afraid to be alone - my advice is to grow up and make mature decisions in the future before you drag more people down. 

[salparadise]

You can't stay with a woman who is unreasonable, openly hostile, and physically aggressive. I think she probably has a psychological disorder, but that's only tangental to the real issue, which is YOUR safety and mental health. I doubt that this is recoverable, and I can't imagine why you'd even want it to be. This is an abusive situation and you need an exit strategy. Being hit over the head with a vacuum is one –– have her charged, file for divorce and custody. If you feel not ready, then you need to figure out how far down you're willing to ride it before you deploy a parachute. It's also a horrible situation for a child to experience. I realize this post is short and lacks nuance, but you need to open your eyes and make changes. 

[LynneVicious]

While commendable of you to own up, unfortunately infidelity can cause major emotional trauma, which is what your wife is experiencing and as a result is not handling it well at all and has gotten abusive. 

A couple of points. You mentioned this was a deeply emotional affair with only a kiss. If she’s done any research, she’ll think that “just a kiss” is code for sex. Is that the honest extent of the physical aspect of the affair? Emotional affairs can be just as, if not more hurtful than physical affairs  

Second, you didn’t disclose the affair. You got caught. This is huge. How far would it have gotten if she didn’t find the messages. 

It’s hard to believe that after being caught in a deep emotional affair, you just apologized and immediately tried to make things right. When caught, the large majority of cheaters DO gaslight and lie. Are you saying you did none of that? What have you done to prove to her that you are committed 100% to your marriage? That you don’t want anyone else and you will do whatever it takes to earn her trust back?

Does she have access to your cell phone and passwords? Have you been 100% transparent? Gone to therapy and worked on yourself trying to figure out why you would cheat when you have a wife and small child at home? Have you given her a timeline and been honest? Have you gone no contact with the other woman and shown your wife that you want no contact with the woman and are committed to rebuilding your marriage?

Unfortunately, there is no timeline on recovering from infidelity. You wounded her deeply, and as a result, broke her in a sense. If you’ve done all of these things and are showing her you’re a safe partner, and she’s still acting like this, then it sounds like the only thing to do is separate so cooler heads can prevail and you can both detach and make decisions best for yourselves and family where your child has a safe, stable and loving environment to grow up in, albeit in separate homes. 

Feom an outsiders perspective, it sounds like she either does not believe your version about the ending of the affair because she’s caught you in lies or she’s been gaslit or she’s been too wounded from the betrayal and has gone off the deep end. 

 

[scorchio]

44 minutes ago, Stret said:

She might not consciously know it yet, but she actually despises you. All that anger/aggression is actually pain and hate mixed together. You have broken something that you built together for a kiss with someone else, you have feelings for someone else and you are still in touch with that person. It is betrayal that hurts and everyone reacts differently to it. She knows every time you leave the house, there might be someone else and that is what is in her head every time you come back home. She knows deep down that it is over, and it is over because she wants it to be over, not just because you want it. She is hurting as you ruined her life for the time being, family you created together, but she doesn't love you any more or respect you as a husband or a person. She might not be aware of all of this yet, but she will be some day when it's all over, and the time passes by and she looks back... I hope she finds someone who will love her and be happy with her as she is and will not marry her just because they enjoy food together and have a nice time. 

As for you, you will be fine, continue flirting and having affair with that other woman - or find someone else that you have no real connection with just because you're too afraid to be alone - my advice is to grow up and make mature decisions in the future before you drag more people down. 

your probably correct stret, your post makes me think you’ve been through something similar . 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Stret said:

She might not consciously know it yet, but she actually despises you. All that anger/aggression is actually pain and hate mixed together. You have broken something that you built together for a kiss with someone else, you have feelings for someone else and you are still in touch with that person. It is betrayal that hurts and everyone reacts differently to it. She knows every time you leave the house, there might be someone else and that is what is in her head every time you come back home. She knows deep down that it is over, and it is over because she wants it to be over, not just because you want it. She is hurting as you ruined her life for the time being, family you created together, but she doesn't love you any more or respect you as a husband or a person. She might not be aware of all of this yet, but she will be some day when it's all over, and the time passes by and she looks back... I hope she finds someone who will love her and be happy with her as she is and will not marry her just because they enjoy food together and have a nice time. 

As for you, you will be fine, continue flirting and having affair with that other woman - or find someone else that you have no real connection with just because you're too afraid to be alone - my advice is to grow up and make mature decisions in the future before you drag more people down. 

I agree with this.

I experienced similar after my ex-fiance's betrayal (as I'd gather a lot of people do). I chose not to marry.

Your wife's way of dealing, however, does neither of you any favors.

When we have been hurt, we often need to feel the other person truly understands our distress, and we need to know that they truly get the gravity of our emotional pain and betrayal. 

It's one thing to air frustrations but involving the children and speaking poorly of the other parent to the children is a very dangerous thing.

The past cannot be undone. So, your wife is faced with a choice. If she truly wants to stay with you and rebuild a relationship together, she is going to need to choose to let it go. It is inevitable that your wife will need to forgive at some point if she intends to remain in the relationship. This does not imply accepting the events of the past. The idea is that she needs to be able to understand it well enough to prevent the anger and hurt from controlling her. 

Her behavior is abusive, and you abused her trust by acting in such a way. Be careful though not to let your guilt cause you to accept abuse, believing that it is deserved.

It is unfortunate to say that since you have turned your affection to someone outside of your relationship, you have to decide if you wish to fight for your marriage. In that case, you must own the mess. Responsibility, patience, accountability, honesty, and above all, love.

You both have to find a way to love through the anger, hurt, fear, and raw jealousy that will come your way.

Even if you try your best, you might not be able to have a normal relationship with your wife until she has overcome the damage caused by the betrayal. Whether you want to accept the abuse in the interim is up to you.

Edited September 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[scorchio]

26 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

While commendable of you to own up, unfortunately infidelity can cause major emotional trauma, which is what your wife is experiencing and as a result is not handling it well at all and has gotten abusive. 

A couple of points. You mentioned this was a deeply emotional affair with only a kiss. If she’s done any research, she’ll think that “just a kiss” is code for sex. Is that the honest extent of the physical aspect of the affair? Emotional affairs can be just as, if not more hurtful than physical affairs  

Second, you didn’t disclose the affair. You got caught. This is huge. How far would it have gotten if she didn’t find the messages. 

It’s hard to believe that after being caught in a deep emotional affair, you just apologized and immediately tried to make things right. When caught, the large majority of cheaters DO gaslight and lie. Are you saying you did none of that? What have you done to prove to her that you are committed 100% to your marriage? That you don’t want anyone else and you will do whatever it takes to earn her trust back?

Does she have access to your cell phone and passwords? Have you been 100% transparent? Gone to therapy and worked on yourself trying to figure out why you would cheat when you have a wife and small child at home? Have you given her a timeline and been honest? Have you gone no contact with the other woman and shown your wife that you want no contact with the woman and are committed to rebuilding your marriage?

Unfortunately, there is no timeline on recovering from infidelity. You wounded her deeply, and as a result, broke her in a sense. If you’ve done all of these things and are showing her you’re a safe partner, and she’s still acting like this, then it sounds like the only thing to do is separate so cooler heads can prevail and you can both detach and make decisions best for yourselves and family where your child has a safe, stable and loving environment to grow up in, albeit in separate homes. 

Feom an outsiders perspective, it sounds like she either does not believe your version about the ending of the affair because she’s caught you in lies or she’s been gaslit or she’s been too wounded from the betrayal and has gone off the deep end. 

 

yes just a kiss and inappropriate text messages which was how she found out. 

min all honesty no i have not done all of those things , leaving my job , giving full access to phones email etc (as i said before she did this several times before for no reason what do ever and i found it incredibly intrusive)  and the fact that i wasn’t willing to do these things straight away is a red flag in my own mind that i’m not 100 percent committed , this is why i’m so conflicted and unhappy . 

[scorchio]

37 minutes ago, salparadise said:

You can't stay with a woman who is unreasonable, openly hostile, and physically aggressive. I think she probably has a psychological disorder, but that's only tangental to the real issue, which is YOUR safety and mental health. I doubt that this is recoverable, and I can't imagine why you'd even want it to be. This is an abusive situation and you need an exit strategy. Being hit over the head with a vacuum is one –– have her charged, file for divorce and custody. If you feel not ready, then you need to figure out how far down you're willing to ride it before you deploy a parachute. It's also a horrible situation for a child to experience. I realize this post is short and lacks nuance, but you need to open your eyes and make changes. 

hi mate, 

i do not want to have her charged or make her life any more difficult than i already have by my original action .she is really suffering emotionally / mentally

 if and when we do split up i would want each of  us to be in our sons life as much as possible regardless , he is everything to us both . but i do see where you are coming from and i need to make some big decisions soon clearly . 

[scorchio]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I agree with this.

I experienced similar after my ex-fiance's betrayal (as I'd gather a lot of people do). 

Your wife's way of dealing, however, does neither of you any favors.

When we have been hurt, we often need to feel the other person truly understands our distress, and we need to know that they truly get the gravity of our emotional pain and betrayal. 

It's one thing to air frustrations but involving the children and speaking poorly of the other parent to the children is a very dangerous thing.

The past cannot be undone. So, your wife is faced with a choice. If she truly wants to stay with you and rebuild a relationship together, she is going to need to choose to let it go. It is inevitable that your wife will need to forgive at some point if she intends to remain in the relationship. This does not imply accepting the events of the past. The idea is that she needs to be able to understand it well enough to prevent the anger and hurt from controlling her. 

Her behavior is abusive, and you abused her trust by acting in such a way. Be careful though not to let your guilt cause you to accept abuse, believing that it is deserved.

It is unfortunate to say that since you have turned your affection to someone outside of your relationship, you have to decide if you wish to fight for your marriage. In that case, you must own the mess. Responsibility, patience, accountability, honesty, and above all, love.

You both have to find a way to love through the anger, hurt, fear, and raw jealousy that will come your way.

Even if you try your best, you might not be able to have a normal relationship with your wife until she has overcome the damage caused by the betrayal. Whether you want to accept the abuse in the interim is up to you.

thanks , this is a really good summation of the situation indeed. very well put. 

[Will am I]

28 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The past cannot be undone

That’s what OP’s wife seems to keep bumping into. Unwilling or unable to let go of the past. Not moving forward. Stuck.

 

32 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You both have to find a way to love through the anger, hurt, fear, and raw jealousy

This, exactly.

This is what the betrayed partner must understand. That despite she’s not the one who caused the problem, her participation is needed if she wants to keep the marriage. It’s either that, or divorce.

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, scorchio said:

 She is from SE Asia, i am from uk. she is a brilliant wife and mother but i’m finding some aspects of her culture more difficult as the years go by . especially in regards to her family dynamic   , it is pure drama whereas mine is stable , reserved etc. more and more i find i can't be myself around her she

I'm not shocked to hear this. This isn't a reflection of her culture, it's a reflection of her and her own instability/psychological issues/assumptions about what is acceptable with family/penchant or potential for becoming abusive. You probably tolerated more than you should for the sake of staying together. A little drama can actually keep help things interesting, but excessive drama is a red flag that shows a person has psychological issues.

It very much sounds like the cheating has made it "ok" in her mind to just go full bore on venting whatever frustrations she may have on you. No one says she has to take cheating sitting down, but her actions are not at all acceptable, either for you or for your kid. If she's this unhappy, the correct course is for her to leave, not expect you to tolerate abuse and venting indefinitely.

I suspect, and in a way it's bad news, that she doesn't want to separate or at least feels very ambivalent about it. If she didn't, she's probably already be gone. At some level she is clinging to you/the family you have made. That means, I think, that she is likely to get even worse if you announce genuine plans to divorce. But, you may have little choice if she can't curtail this/control herself and you wish to end the abuse.

After a divorce, some (ex) couples resort to court-monitored communications that only address co-parenting. Other communication is forbidden. One reason for this can be a "crazy ex" who thinks anything goes when it comes to venting on former partners.

Edited September 17, 2022 by mark clemson

[scorchio]

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not shocked to hear this. This isn't a reflection of her culture, it's a reflection of her and her own instability/psychological issues/assumptions about what is acceptable with family/penchant or potential for becoming abusive. You probably tolerated more than you should for the sake of staying together. A little drama can actually keep help things interesting, but excessive drama is a red flag that shows a person has psychological issues.

It very much sounds like the cheating has made it "ok" in her mind to just go full bore on venting whatever frustrations she may have on you. No one says she has to take cheating sitting down, but her actions are not at all acceptable, either for you or for your kid. If she's this unhappy, the correct course is for her to leave, not expect you to tolerate abuse and venting indefinitely.

I suspect, and in a way it's bad news, that she doesn't want to separate or at least feels very ambivalent about it. If she didn't, she's probably already be gone. At some level she is clinging to you/the family you have made. That means, I think, that she is likely to get even worse if you announce genuine plans to divorce. But, you may have little choice if she can't curtail this/control herself and you wish to end the abuse.

After a divorce, some (ex) couples resort to court-monitored communications that only address co-parenting. Other communication is forbidden. One reason for this can be a "crazy ex" who thinks anything goes when it comes to venting on former partners.

i would hope and pray for our sons sake that it never comes to that . i couldn’t bear it if we had to fight over seeing our boy. She does not want to a trial separation , it’s either i acquiesce totally(this includes accepting all anger and outbursts without getting defensive , which i’ve struggled to go as it’s been a constant barrage )  or we divorce . 

[poppyfields]

OP, I apologize, how one responds  to marital infidelity is out of my realm of  understanding however at first blush I am inclined to say that for your son's sake, since your wife refuses to leave the home, you should..

Is there some reason why you're not? 

This is an extremely toxic and dysfunctional environment for your son and it will have lasting effects on him, please trust me on that, I lived it with my parents. 

Re her hitting you over head with vacuum, was this her initial reaction after discovering your affair? 

If so I'm NOT justifying it, hell she could have killed you, but it may have been a one-off emotional reaction and unlikely to happen again.  Hopefully. 

As for the continued verbal/ emotional abuse, that's just plain unacceptable and again if she refuses to leave the home, YOU should imo for your son's sake.

Did you ever see the movie Fatal Attraction?  When Anne Archer (wife of cheating husband Michael Douglas) discovered his affair, she proceeded to punch him with her fists, in rage and anger.

It was an emotional response, a one-off after which Michael Douglas, cheating husband, left the home. 

That said and I am going to create a separate thread about this, but with respect to marital cheating, what's more hurtful and more damaging to the wife? 

An emotional affair wherein there were intense feelings but no sex?  As in your case? 

OR

A physical affair where there were no feelings but lots of sex? 

I am inclined to think the former but I don't know and hope I never will.

In any event, again I really do think it would best for everyone if you left. 

Explain to your son before you do, that's what my dad did so we knew it wasn't about us (myself and my brothers).

Do NOT say anything bad or negative about his mom, your wife.  Just that you and mommy need a break but you still love him and will see him regularly.

Unless you both agree to marital counseling, this is done, there's no coming back from it.

I'm sorry. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[scorchio]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, I apologize, how one responds  to marital infidelity is out of my realm of  understanding however at first blush I am inclined to say that for your son's sake, since your wife refuses to leave the home, you should..

Is there some reason why you're not? 

This is an extremely toxic and dysfunctional environment for your son and it will have lasting effects on him, please trust me on that, I lived it with my parents. 

Re her hitting you over head with vacuum, was this her initial reaction after discovering your affair? 

If so I'm NOT justifying it, hell she could have killed you, but it may have been a one-off emotional reaction and unlikely to happen again.  Hopefully. 

As for the continued verbal/ emotional abuse, that's just plain unacceptable and again if she refuses to leave the home, YOU should imo for your son's sake.

Did you ever see the movie Fatal Attraction?  When Anne Archer (wife of cheating husband Michael Douglas) discovered his affair, she proceeded to punch him with her fists, in rage and anger.

It was an emotional response, a one-off after which Michael Douglas, cheating husband, left the home. 

That said and I am going to create a separate thread about this, but with respect to marital cheating, what's more hurtful and more damaging to the wife? 

An emotional affair wherein there were intense feelings but no sex?  As in your case? 

OR

A physical affair where there were no feelings but lots of sex? 

I am inclined to think the former but I don't know and hope I never will.

In any event, again I really do think it would best for everyone if you left. 

Explain to your son before you do, that's what my dad did so we knew it wasn't about us (myself and my brothers).

Do NOT say anything bad or negative about his mom, your wife.  Just that you and mommy need a break but you still love him and will see him regularly.

Unless you both agree to marital counseling, this is done, there's no coming back from it.

I'm sorry. 

 

 

 

 

and thanks for your detailed reply, no the vacuum to the head was 2 weeks ago.  d day was over 6 months ago . 

a big reason for not leaving is financial , neither of us can afford separate suitable accommodation whilst also paying our  mortgage so we would need to sell the family home. i have asked her many many times not to argue in front of our boy. she has admitted that she knows it’s not right and feels guilty but just cannot help it when she gets angry . i have asked her not to say negative things about me to him again and again and i have never and will hopefully never say bad about her to him, i just don’t see how it would be in anyway good for him regardless of what’s happened. 

to answer your question , i think a purely physical affair would be easier to move on from for both parties,  My head is wrecked with feelings towards my EA which remain very strong . if it was purely sexual i think it would be easier to put it down to a terrible mistake that meant nothing and go whole heartedly into getting the marriage to work but that’s just not true here.

[poppyfields]

Is marital counseling a possibility? 

She can do all her raging there, the therapist will monitor and guide you through the process towards possible resolution and healing.

Again, as things stand now, you both are doing severe emotional and psychological damage to your son. 

At 4 years old, he's absorbing everything. 

In the movie Fatal Attraction, their very young daughter, very close to your son's age, heard the fighting and came out of her room, crying and severely traumatized. 

And that happened just once!    Your son is being exposed to this regularly.

I understand financially it will be a struggle, but where there's a will, there's a way.

Can you stay with family or a friend?  Get a second mortgage? Or second job? 

I hate to say but you're both acting pretty selfishly here.

Yes your wife is abusive but you're tolerating it because it's financially inconvenient to leave knowing the harm you are doing to your son by staying. 

Think about it.  It is selfish @scorchio.

I'm sorry. 

 

 

Edited September 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[scorchio]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Is marital counseling a possibility? 

She can do all her raging there, the therapist will monitor and guide you through the process towards possible resolution and healing.

Again, as things stand now, you both are doing severe emotional and psychological damage to your son. 

At 4 years old, he's absorbing everything. 

In the movie Fatal Attraction, their very young daughter, very close to your son's age, heard the fighting and came out of her room, crying and severely traumatized. 

And that happened just once!    Your son is being exposed to this regularly.

I understand financially it will be a struggle, but where there's a will, there's a way.

Can you stay with family or a friend?  Get a second mortgage? Or second job? 

I hate to say but you're both acting pretty selfishly here.

Yes your wife is abusive but you're tolerating it because it's financially inconvenient to leave knowing the harm you are doing to your son by staying. 

Think about it.  It is selfish @scorchio.

I'm sorry. 

 

 

absolutely no chance of second mortgage or job . we both work full time as is.

i have no family here , she has her sister but she has 2 kids of her own. my dad offered to help financially (with rent)  for a trial separation to see if that would ease things but wife is totally against that idea 

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, scorchio said:

absolutely no chance of second mortgage or job . we both work full time as is.

i have no family here , she has her sister but she has 2 kids of her own. my dad offered to help financially (with rent)  for a trial separation to see if that would ease things but wife is totally against that idea 

These are excuses, I think you know that too.  

Most people with second jobs have another full time job. 

My dad who earned a very good living as a lawyer, began working weekends in real estate after he left.

Stop allowing your wife to run the show and drive your ship.

You do NOT need her permission to accept a loan from your dad and get the hell out, away from her abuse and your toxic relationship.

I would advise permanently.

Because she's abusive, you may even be awarded custody of your son.

Anyway, I'm getting a bit wound up now so will leave this thread and wish you the best. 

Edited September 17, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, scorchio said:

i think a purely physical affair would be easier to move on from for both parties,  My head is wrecked with feelings towards my EA which remain very strong . if it was purely sexual i think it would be easier to put it down to a terrible mistake that meant nothing and go whole heartedly into getting the marriage to work but that’s just not true here.

The first thing do do is stop rationalizing. "It's because I was lonely", "It's because it's cultural",  "It's because I never really loved her", "It's worse if is physical or this or that" etc. etc. What than means is you are still not accepting responsibility. For yourself or your son.  Your wife admits to being angry and abusive.

On another note, you have plenty of help to leave. A "trial separation" is a bad idea. It implies that you'll abandon the marriage to play around. Plus at some level she senses and  knows you were never in with both feet and just coasting along out of convenience. It's sad she was rifling through your phone to try to figure out why you're so checked out.

In abuse cases marriage counselling is contraindicated. However it could help you unpack and sort some things out. This affair was a symptom a systemic marital problems.