Mental Health Issues and Relationship Breakup

[FMW]

I started posting on LoveShack almost 5 years ago, and I seem to be making my way through the different forums.  Now I'm to the breakup forum.

I've been involved with someone for 3 years, I've posted about him here before.  At the beginning my primary concern was that he was a recent widower (we became friends first, only 9 months after his wife died).  It turns out that issue was not the most difficult.  The real problem has been his mental health issues.  

He has serious ADHD, Depression and anxiety.  I'm not sure any of those official diagnosis account for the problem of the ever-swirling thoughts in his head that he says make it almost impossible at times to get anything done.  The only thing that stops that swirling is alcohol (and in his youth cocaine) and playing music.  He's a full time musician and that provides plenty of opportunity for both the music and the alcohol.  

I love him very much and I think we've had a pretty good relationship for three years, especially given all the issues that complicate things.  He's always been very affectionate with me and seemingly very happy to have me in his life.  His family and friends have said the same.  

He's weaning himself off of his ADHD medication, in large part because of the difficulty in maintaining a consistent dosage because of problems with the prescribing doctor and pharmacies (according to him).  I've always been very independent and knowing his struggles didn't ask much from him except for time together.  The last few weeks have been really difficult and he became distant with me.   I asked him why that was happening, and he said he was very depressed (although he's on consistent antidepressant medication) and was overwhelmed with everything.  He said he could not be a good boyfriend, right now he could not make me a priority or do all the things he should be doing for me.  He said he didn't know when that would change and it wasn't fair to me.  

One of his fellow musicians came to me two weeks ago and said they all saw him "spiraling". 

His best friend contacted me and said he was blowing off scheduled fishing trips.  Fishing is his other passion, after or along with making music and he would never pass up fishing trips.  But apparently both me and fishing are out right now.  His friend said he's seen the change in him recently and worried he was in a "bad place".  He and a few other of his non-music friends are going to make a point of keeping an eye on him.  His well-being is the most important issue, by far and I'm very happy he has them to watch out for him.  But on a selfish note, it's left me a little (ok a lot) heartbroken and I have to deal with that now.  

For 2+ years (of the 3) we have been very involved in each others' lives, family, friends and our local close music community.  People see us as a solid couple and we are invited and included in everything as such.  Suddenly now that's going to end.  I'm planning to take a short break from the music community, I dread all the questions or comments I know I'll receive.  My schedule has suddenly opened up in a big way.  I feel like I'm losing part of my own life in addition to losing him.     

I've gone through the grieving and coping process after a 23 year marriage ending in divorce, and the end of an emotionally charged affair with a man diagnosed with terminal cancer a year into our relationship (also 3 years).  So I know how the process goes, and I know I will be fine.   But I've found a lot of help through responses to my own and others' posts here, so I wanted to share.  

Any thoughts are welcome.  I've seen several posts lately about mental health issues and relationships, so I know I'm not alone in dealing with the consequences.  

I know this was a self-indulgent and long post, if you made it this far -Thanks for reading!

[ShyViolet]

It's not clear from this post whether you are officially broken up or not?

[FMW]

I consider that we are broken up, even though explicit words weren't used. When I repeated our conversation almost verbatim to his friend this afternoon when he called me, he agreed that my take on it that I was being told he couldn't be in a relationship with me right now was correct. So no relationship means broken up.  At the same time, his friend said he wouldn't be surprised if contacted me in a few days saying he'd made a mistake.  

The one friend of mine that I've told had the same reaction, that he'll come back to me. 

But I'm not going to wait around for that.  My work is busy right now and I can dedicate more focus to it, as well as to my friends.  I have no intention of being "available" to anyone else right now, but I'm no longer in an active relationship.  

 And as I noted, his friends are going to make sure he's ok and will keep in touch with me (his friend's words, not something I requested).  His well-being is a concern for all of us.  

[BrinnM]

That’s sad, @FMW- I’ve always admired your relationship, because you guys met later in life, and seemed to have your shyte together. I had no idea he was struggling with mental health issues and alcohol. Did he drink during your relationship as well, and did the frequency/amount worry you?

I’ve read your posts and your RL sounded so perfect to me - two independent people with their own homes who enjoyed one another’s company when the time is right. Still busy and fulfilled outside of the RL, and able to enjoy some solitude, but happy when spending time and doing things together. 

Not sure what to recommend here, just wanted to say I’m sorry; but maybe it’s just a phase. He might need some alone time. For people who need a lot of me time, things like relationships can get too much pretty quickly, especially once the honeymoon phase is over after a few years. I’d leave him be for now (I know that’s what you’re doing anyway), and see  if he comes around at some point. Glad you guys have friends who care. 

[FMW]

38 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Did he drink during your relationship as well, and did the frequency/amount worry you?

Yes, but only when he was performing.  I came to accept it as his anti-anxiety coping mechanism.  He's a big guy, 6'7", so he can drink without getting drunk.  

[BrinnM]

Yeah, I don’t know, sounds like he doesn’t want you in his life right now, and it could be for all kinds of reasons. And it could certainly only be temporary. His depression may or may not be the real reason; could be an excuse. It’s strange, one would think that once you find somebody later in life, when you’re mature and experienced, you wouldn’t throw that away just like that, as you’re “getting older”. Not saying you guys are “old”, but how many more great women does he think he’s going to meet at the age of (I’m guessing) 55+? Maybe as a musician it’s possible, but still …… Wouldn’t you rather take care of your mental health than lose a rare gem? That’s what I’m trying to wrap my head around. 🤔

Edited September 17, 2022 by BrinnM

[Alpacalia]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 

Sometimes people with mental illnesses just need time alone for them to be at peace. 

They just need time and understanding. 

If things turn around, great, but if not, you've still got your life to live. 

Clearly, he is in a distressed state and is just looking for solitude. His pain is compounded by being around people who love him and mean well but don't know what to do to help. The illness has drastically changed his thinking and behavior.

Specifically, it seems like your boyfriend wants to work on himself. This means he wants to fix his depression or emotional problems on his own. Or he just doesn't want to weigh you down. Either way it is the decision he has made.  

There are reasons he is choosing not to take the ADHD medication, drinking alcohol, that may not be optimal for him.

No matter what he says outright, the underlying message is still the same. "I am doing all of this without you."

It would be a good idea to move on with your life. Keeping it as friends without any promises seems reasonable. 

Sit back and if he asks to talk, listen. 

It is up to him to get help and to get serious about following through with treatment. No one else can take the lead.

FMW, I think that you have a very good grasp of things, even though I am sure that this must be incredibly upsetting for you.

 

Edited September 17, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, FMW said:

.  He's a full time musician and that provides plenty of opportunity for both the music and the alcohol.  

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately all you can do is focus on your own wellbeing. Perhaps look into support groups for those involved with problem drinkers:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[FMW]

Our friends' feelings that he would be back were correct.  48 hours after the call that made me feel it was over, there was another call saying that nothing with us had changed.  He couldn't exactly tell me why he had said the things he did, but it seems that he's just so overwhelmed he was giving me an out.  

I'm going to focus more on my work and my own personal interests and issues, but continue with the relationship and supporting as much as I can without sacrificing my own well-being. He's working with a counselor and hopefully she can help him have a breakthrough.  I could tell he was trying really hard to communicate what he was dealing with, but it wasn't easy for him.  He said he wanted to be able to continue talking to me about it, in small increments.  

Mental health issues are so difficult to navigate, for both the one suffering the affliction as well as those who love them.  

I'm going with him to a gig tomorrow, a few of his friends will be in the audience as well.  I think we all will be more aware than usual of how he's functioning.  

[mark clemson]

You might consider suggesting he double-down on the professional mental help. There are genuinely some folks who they can't help much, but if the pros aren't helping, then a "friends and booze" approach (if that's part of what's happening with him) is unlikely to do much besides make things a bit worse while he "gets himself through it". Some people turn to their "old coping strategies" as adults when their bodies are weaker and they have more responsibilities and it can be quite destructive.

Maybe I'm way off here (it can be tough with mental health issues) and if so I apologize, but that's my suggestions FWIW.

It's nice that you are being supportive of him through this. Not everyone would be interested in that, but since you're willing, I think it's worth pointing out that it's very kind and accepting of you to do this.

Edited September 18, 2022 by mark clemson

[FMW]

I have to be careful with my suggestions and opinions right now, he's understandably sensitive about it.

I love him too much to just give up.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, FMW said:

I have to be careful with my suggestions and opinions right now, he's understandably sensitive about it.I love him too much to just give up.

Agree. It's important not to mommy him. He can decide about his own doctors, therapists and medications. Keep in mind drinking undermines much if it and that's his choice too. But keep your own wellbeing in the forefront of all this.  It's very important not to get wrapped up in his self-destruction. 

Edited September 18, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

47 minutes ago, FMW said:

I love him too much to just give up.

Is he willing to get help on his own?

There is danger in excess of anything. Love is no exception. If you are too invested in this relationship and he is not reciprocating, or even appreciating the effort (which right now, how can he or be expected to?), you are in trouble. 

He can benefit from your guidance, but you can't be his therapist. Try to exercise, meet friends or attend social events (with or without him) and avoid taking his mood personally.

Edited September 18, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Coasting1991]

Really sorry you are going through this... Swirling thoughts sounds like rumination, a symptom of anxiety and depression. Your thoughts get stuck in a loop that go around and around, and it makes it really difficult to think, focus, etc. Do you think that maybe him weaning off of ADHD medication could also be affecting his mental state? Medications for ADHD are typically stimulants and can have nasty withdrawal effects including fatigue, depression, things like that.

I suffer from rumination due to an anxiety disorder and when I'm ruminating and anxious, I too pull away from others because I feel overwhelmed and like a burden. Alcohol definitely doesn't help in the long run. 

If you're committed to seeing it through, I think your current plan of keeping busy but letting him know you care sounds like a good one. The work for stabilizing his mental health comes from him.  

Edited September 18, 2022 by Coasting1991

[FMW]

I very much appreciate all the comments.  I tend to over-function at times in my relationships and that has certainly come into play recently in this one.  I struggle with the balance of backing off while not letting go. 

On 9/18/2022 at 4:22 PM, Coasting1991 said:

I too pull away from others because I feel overwhelmed and like a burden.

Thanks for sharing your experience Coasting1991.  In the conversation that I saw as a breakup he said he was depressed and overwhelmed and didn't want to "be a bummer to anyone".  It's heartbreaking to see someone you love going through this and not be able to help.  

His brother said he's gone through cycles like this throughout his life.  I've known him for three years and this is the first time I've seen him like this.  I was always aware of the issues, but they seemed to be manageable and not disruptive the way they are now.  

I believe the combination of withdrawal from his ADHD medication and his recent return to counseling are the likely explanation for what he's dealing with now.    The counseling is stirring up all the bad things from his past that he hasn't come to terms with.  His father was physically and emotionally abusive to him when he was a child. Children in school (and apparently some adults) were cruel because of his ADHD.  His late wife was emotionally abusive, he separated from her at one point but returned when she received a terminal cancer diagnosis.  He was her sole caregiver until her death and dealt with some pretty gruesome traumatic things.  

I've had a fortunate life and this has all been a little shocking to me.

I spent Sunday night with him following his show and will be with him again Wednesday evening.  After that he has out of town gigs this weekend that I won't be traveling to, and my work events next week will keep us apart.  I think that space will help me get things in better perspective.  I hope that he finds some relief soon and can "cycle" back out of this.   

[FMW]

On 9/18/2022 at 3:17 PM, Alpacalia said:

He can benefit from your guidance, but you can't be his therapist. Try to exercise, meet friends or attend social events (with or without him) and avoid taking his mood personally.

I've told him before that although I wanted him to be able to talk to me about anything, I wasn't equipped to help him move through his issues.  I encouraged him to get back into counseling and I'm very happy he has, although in the short term I think it's going to be a little rough. 

I've been taking lots of long walks and working on household projects.  I've already made plans for the coming weekend with girlfriends while he has shows out of town.  Next week I'm involved in a multi-day conference for work with evening social events.  Normally I'd kind of dread that but I think it will be a good break for me.  

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, FMW said:

  I tend to over-function at times in my relationships and that has certainly come into play recently in this one.   

It's good you are building in some space for both of you. That seems to be what he is asking for but doesn't know how to say it to you without hurting you.

Try not to suffocate him with "over functioning". Give him room to breathe.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/20/2022 at 11:56 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you are building in some space for both of you. That seems to be what he is asking for but doesn't know how to say it to you without hurting you.

I agree. 

He doesn't want a girlfriend right now, but doesn't quite have the courage to come out and tell you this directly, OP. 

[stillafool]

On 9/16/2022 at 11:02 PM, BrinnM said:

 It’s strange, one would think that once you find somebody later in life, when you’re mature and experienced, you wouldn’t throw that away just like that, as you’re “getting older”. Not saying you guys are “old”, but how many more great women does he think he’s going to meet at the age of (I’m guessing) 55+? Maybe as a musician it’s possible, but still …… 

Um, this is just not true.  When my mom died my Dad was 70 at the time and women 50 and up were coming out of the woodwork to date him.  Times have changed.

[giotto]

Having been married to a person with mental issues with a lot of similarities for a long time (but we are separated now), maybe I can offer you some words of advice... he seems to have what another poster called "rumination" issues... these are constant and obsessive thoughts going around in your head that you can't stop (it's a type of OCD, sometimes called "Pure O"). My wife had the same and she was also anxious and depressed. Alcohol didn't help, in fact it made it worse to the point that she stopped drinking completely. The only thing which help was anti-depressants. A medium dose. She could function with those. What's happening to your boyfriend is that he is stopping all the medications and his issues are spiralling. He needs to see a doctor ASAP so they can diagnose him and find an appropriate therapy. 

Edited September 22, 2022 by giotto

[FMW]

Thanks for the responses.  To clarify, he is taking the medication for depression, although it doesn't resolve all the depression issues, just makes them more manageable.  The medication he's stopped (for the most part) is for his ADHD.  I think the combination of that and his resuming counseling is stirring things up for him and making him pull back from anyone with whom he has a close relationship.

We were together last night and things were "normal".  He was affectionate and initiated spending time with me, acting as much like we are "together" as he ever has.  He kept his arms around me all night long.  When he left this morning he asked me to accompany him to his gig Friday night (which I declined because I had already made other plans) and also asked me to go to an event with him on Sunday (which I accepted).  I didn't seek his time, he offered it.

He's overwhelmed and doesn't want to feel like anyone is relying on him or that he's responsible for anyone else right now is what he has said.  Honestly I've never been dependent or reliant on him for anything that he hasn't continued giving me in almost the same amount for the past week (time, affection).   I'm not sure what stirred that particular concern for him about me, he says it wasn't anything I was doing, that he didn't feel any pressure from me.  It's just frustrating.  He's distanced himself in the same way with his friends, so I'm trying not to take it personally, but easier said than done. 

I'm working on accepting in my heart, not just my head, that I can't help him.  I either accept things as they are right now and see how things go, or I choose to walk away.  For the time being I am going to continue the relationship, but pay attention to my own mental/emotional well-being.  I'm going to take some of the focus off of him and put it back where it belongs, on me - my work, friends, family, and other interests.   

I feel like I've touched the fire and been burned, so now I'm a little wary.  I'm not walking away right now, just paying close attention to what he does going forward.   

I appreciate the feedback.  This all really has taken me by surprise. 

 

[Coasting1991]

5 minutes ago, FMW said:

He's overwhelmed and doesn't want to feel like anyone is relying on him or that he's responsible for anyone else right now is what he has said.  Honestly I've never been dependent or reliant on him for anything that he hasn't continued giving me in almost the same amount for the past week (time, affection).   I'm not sure what stirred that particular concern for him about me, he says it wasn't anything I was doing, that he didn't feel any pressure from me.  It's just frustrating.  He's distanced himself in the same way with his friends, so I'm trying not to take it personally, but easier said than done. 

He likely feels incredibly overwhelmed and overstimulated with his thoughts and increased depression. So what was normal, manageable interactions with others (you, his friends, etc.) for him before is now too much. It will likely stabilize again with his therapy and medication but will take time. 

One thing to note is that mental illness, especially what he seems to have, is all about management and not curing. He'll likely have setbacks again in the future, but they can be mitigated with continued support from mental health professionals and medication. Just something to think about for your future together. 

[Coasting1991]

4 hours ago, giotto said:

Having been married to a person with mental issues with a lot of similarities for a long time (but we are separated now), maybe I can offer you some words of advice... he seems to have what another poster called "rumination" issues... these are constant and obsessive thoughts going around in your head that you can't stop (it's a type of OCD, sometimes called "Pure O"). My wife had the same and she was also anxious and depressed. Alcohol didn't help, in fact it made it worse to the point that she stopped drinking completely. The only thing which help was anti-depressants. A medium dose. She could function with those. What's happening to your boyfriend is that he is stopping all the medications and his issues are spiralling. He needs to see a doctor ASAP so they can diagnose him and find an appropriate therapy. 

This is also something for him to think about; talk therapy is not effective for people with OCD and can make things worse. Depends on what the source of his ruminations are, though. 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, FMW said:

He's overwhelmed and doesn't want to feel like anyone is relying on him or that he's responsible for anyone else right now is what he has said.

It sounds like he wants more space and autonomy., but doesn't want to completely end things. Not exactly FWB, because there's no one else, but definitely a downshift from  where things were. You may feel it's his meds, therapy, depression, but even with or without  those issues, he wants to pull back from the demands of a more full-on relationship.

[Stret]

Tough one. You are right to try and refocus on yourself. Keep doing that and wean yourself off him, if that suits your own mental health. Your situation is familiar to me and I can emphasise. A word of advice from that experience is to ensure you don't become codependent who fixes someone else's problems and acts like a mum to a teenage son. You don't seem to be having this issue though. 

I've been with someone who had ADHD for three years. At first I thought I'll deal with it and accept him for who he was. But when we moved in together and eventually moved to another country, I realised that I couldn't count on him to do anything. I had to organise everything related to our move. Residence permits, transportation for our stuff, airline tickets, transport for cat, I had to look for new apartment and EVERYTHING else was on me. If I asked him to help he would screw it up so I had to clean up the mess and do it myself. Once he carried a check in his bag for three weeks without posting it - "I'll do it tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow". Posting it meant he would get about $8K in tax returns. He never posted it and missed the deadline. 

Looking back at this and some other relationships I had, I'll never again be with a guy who has mental health diagnosis. I'm ok with people with depression that they can handle, that comes sometimes and then goes, I'm ok with some occasional anxiety, but not ok with something that is all the time there, like a third person whose job is to ruin every nice moment. Thing is that with these people (who deserve love like everyone else and who can be good people) they will always put themselves first and when their crisis strikes, they will do everything to protect themselves regardless of what it does to you. They will never even wonder how do you feel because they will be too involved with themselves and protecting themselves, leaving you feeling alone and isolated. In other words, their illness will hurt you too. So keep taking care of yourself.