Mental Health Issues and Relationship Breakup

[Stret]

5 hours ago, giotto said:

Having been married to a person with mental issues with a lot of similarities for a long time (but we are separated now), maybe I can offer you some words of advice... he seems to have what another poster called "rumination" issues... these are constant and obsessive thoughts going around in your head that you can't stop (it's a type of OCD, sometimes called "Pure O"). My wife had the same and she was also anxious and depressed. Alcohol didn't help, in fact it made it worse to the point that she stopped drinking completely. The only thing which help was anti-depressants. A medium dose. She could function with those. What's happening to your boyfriend is that he is stopping all the medications and his issues are spiralling. He needs to see a doctor ASAP so they can diagnose him and find an appropriate therapy. 

Not sure if this is what the OP's boyfriend has. He has ADHD, anxiety and depression - people with this diagnosis do feel overwhelmed a lot, almost all the time. They will push you out and pull you back in - without meaning to hurt you but being protective of themselves - like many others with mental illness. More often then not, there is no stability in these relationships. 

BTW - if I may share for you and OP to perhaps not completely discard the possibility you offered - I had a relationship with a guy who had primary OCD, I think it is what you're referring to. One day, we were lying in bed, and he told me he is not over his ex yet. We just moved in together. I immediately left - later, he told me he had no idea why he said what he said, because it was not true and that he was over her. I thought he was full of s***. He went to psychologist just to be diagnosed with primary OCD. He explained it as a obsessive thoughts, for example, if he sees a good looking guy, he cannot stop thinking for a week if it means he is gay just because he thought he was a good looking guy. He said that once in his life he got particularly upset when he saw a cute child... It almost killed him. He had anxiety attacks and he described feeling his muscles all cramp. So when we were lying in bed and he told me he were not over his ex yet, it was because the movie we just saw had a scene from the beach where he was with his ex and they had a great time. He remembered some of the nice time they were having and then got into obsessive mode: does it mean that I still want her? This bothered him for a week and I did notice him pull back. The only cure for this is to say it to someone. Once he says it, it takes away the power it has over him. I broke up with him because I couldn't be pushed and pulled in, and pushed and pulled back in again... I needed stability and safety and he wasn't giving it to me. I don't blame him for being ill and we did stay in contact as friends. Not sure if this is what OP's boyfriend has but I doubt it. 

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

but even with or without  those issues, he wants to pull back from the demands of a more full-on relationship.

I do fully understand that - that regardless of WHY, the expressed words are the same.  

What's  confusing to me is that we've always been very independent from each other.  I never want to live with or marry anyone again, he feels the same.  We have shared family events and friends and were (still are) together several days/nights a week.  We're important parts of each others' lives, but not necessarily side-by-side for each and every thing that comes along in our lives.  Neither of us have been the number one priority for the other all or even most of the time, we had a more balanced approach that seemed to work for both of us given our ages and past relationship experiences.  What he's showing me right now, how he is with me, isn't any different than what we've had for the last several years.  I'm still included in his family and friend events.  He says his feelings haven't changed, neither have mine.  There was no change in our circumstances that I can see, before or after  But he still had a melt down.  

That's why this episode came as a surprise to me.  I'm now aware that he's not always going to be stable. I'm now aware his problems are deeper than I had appreciated.  While I do feel the need to pull back my focus from him, I'm not at the point of just walking away.  This is the first time in 3 years anything like this has occurred.  I would hope if our positions were reversed he wouldn't just walk away from me either without giving it a little time.  

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, FMW said:

Thanks for the responses.  To clarify, he is taking the medication for depression, although it doesn't resolve all the depression issues, just makes them more manageable.  The medication he's stopped (for the most part) is for his ADHD.  I think the combination of that and his resuming counseling is stirring things up for him and making him pull back from anyone with whom he has a close relationship.

We were together last night and things were "normal".  He was affectionate and initiated spending time with me, acting as much like we are "together" as he ever has.  He kept his arms around me all night long.  When he left this morning he asked me to accompany him to his gig Friday night (which I declined because I had already made other plans) and also asked me to go to an event with him on Sunday (which I accepted).  I didn't seek his time, he offered it.

He's overwhelmed and doesn't want to feel like anyone is relying on him or that he's responsible for anyone else right now is what he has said.  Honestly I've never been dependent or reliant on him for anything that he hasn't continued giving me in almost the same amount for the past week (time, affection).   I'm not sure what stirred that particular concern for him about me, he says it wasn't anything I was doing, that he didn't feel any pressure from me.  It's just frustrating.  He's distanced himself in the same way with his friends, so I'm trying not to take it personally, but easier said than done. 

I'm working on accepting in my heart, not just my head, that I can't help him.  I either accept things as they are right now and see how things go, or I choose to walk away.  For the time being I am going to continue the relationship, but pay attention to my own mental/emotional well-being.  I'm going to take some of the focus off of him and put it back where it belongs, on me - my work, friends, family, and other interests.   

I feel like I've touched the fire and been burned, so now I'm a little wary.  I'm not walking away right now, just paying close attention to what he does going forward.   

I appreciate the feedback.  This all really has taken me by surprise. 

 

FMW, I'm glad you're feeling better about the situation, but some things concern me.

If you recall, he said he's not capable of being a loving boyfriend right now and could not fulfill all of his commitments to you. His opinion is that it will not change anytime soon.  

He is now turning around and being affectionate with you, initiating the idea of spending time together.

I consider this unfair to you.

The problem with depression is that he may often say one thing, but mean another. Self-isolation is a common symptom of depression, but those who love the depressed partner are often caught up in the "yo-yo" dynamics.

There is a tough part here in managing your own health while also considering your partner's well-being. Keeping your actions and words in balance while still being true to yourself can be exhausting.

It's good that you declined his invitation to his gig Friday night.

Taking that step was a good idea.

 

 

 

[FMW]

I wanted to add that notwithstanding my current position of not walking away, I am not feeling good about things, I'm not pretending everything is ok.  It's been very unsettling.  This seemed to come out of left field and after a 48 hour break after the original conversation, he's not treating me any differently than he was before.  Although I turned down his invitation to go with him tonight because I have plans with friends, he asked and I agreed to go to a family event  (his family) on Sunday.  I'm just giving the situation some time before making a hardline decision about how to proceed (or if to proceed).  We've gone through a lot in the past three years together, and I (along with his friends and family) am very concerned about how he is at the moment.  I know it's easy from the outside to say walk away, but I just don't feel that's the thing to do at the moment. 

I really do appreciate all the comments, they all give me a lot to think about.  

[Stret]

4 hours ago, FMW said:

I wanted to add that notwithstanding my current position of not walking away, I am not feeling good about things, I'm not pretending everything is ok.  It's been very unsettling.  This seemed to come out of left field and after a 48 hour break after the original conversation, he's not treating me any differently than he was before.  Although I turned down his invitation to go with him tonight because I have plans with friends, he asked and I agreed to go to a family event  (his family) on Sunday.  I'm just giving the situation some time before making a hardline decision about how to proceed (or if to proceed).  We've gone through a lot in the past three years together, and I (along with his friends and family) am very concerned about how he is at the moment.  I know it's easy from the outside to say walk away, but I just don't feel that's the thing to do at the moment. 

I really do appreciate all the comments, they all give me a lot to think about.  

This is when he pulls you in. When he has another crisis he will push you out. Then he'll panic because his life changed without you and his mental health is even worse for it, bend over backwards to get you back in and so on. I admit that this view is sceptical. But it's based on experience in a few relationships with people with mental health issues. Never again for me. Good luck, you're an experienced and smart woman, you'll make the right choice for yourself. X

[Wiseman2]

Try a reverse approach and pull back. It will help you reflect as well allow him to appreciate you rather than pushing back for space.  Try not to worry or smother him.  Step back, including talking to his friends about your concerns. You really can't live on pins and needles.

[FMW]

I'm leaving this update because maybe it will be of use to someone who searches for posts on a similar topic.  I know I have searched for specific topics here before myself.

Things with him seem to be "normal' again.  Yesterday he introduced me as his girlfriend when meeting people he hadn't seen for a few years.  My work is going to keep us apart all week and he wanted to lock down when we would see each other next (not until Friday).  He's scheduled a fishing trip with his best friend that he's blown off for several weeks, and seems to be looking forward to it.  He's in a much more positive frame of mind about the current projects he's working on, both musically and around his house.  

I'm not sure why he had this episode after three years of my never experiencing it with him before, I don't know why he seems to have turned a corner back to normal again in a relatively short period of time. I'm very aware of my reticence to bring it up for discussion any time soon.  It's changed how I see him and our relationship.  I love him as much as ever but I'm unsettled by it all.  I'll certainly be more tuned in the next time he shows any sign of instability.  I'm moving forward with him, but I'm left in a wait and see frame of mind.