Partner keeps me separate

[Sunflower2355]

I relocated 30 mins from my home town 5 months ago and bought a house with my partner of 3 years. I really thought this through, I don't make rash decisions and took my time. I moved dds school (yr 4 now) , she was really upset and it's taken her a while to settle. Ds started reception this week at the same school.

 

I am absolutely miserable. My partner doesn't acknowledge my son, he doesn't speak to him. I hate it for it and I can't stand to be around him. He finds my son difficult as he is loud and has lots of energy. I don't want to be with him anymore and I cannot put up with this. I have spoke to him about this and he says he struggles. He knows how I feel about this and I've told him about the impact in my son. He works shifts so isn't here all the time which is better than nothing.

 

I feel like the worse mother in the world. I've moved my children and now I know we cannot stay here. They have done so well with all the upheaval and now this.

 

The issue is my daughter simply won't cope with another school move. Her year group is full at the previous school. There are also no places for my son. I've completed paperwork and they are down on the waiting list. Moving dd to another school is not an option, it would cause her too much stress and upset again.

 

I can't move to another house in this area as we own this house. I have no one to stay with as have no family or friends here. I can't move to my home town as the kids are in school here. I can't talk to my family about this. There is no timescales on getting school places at the previous school.

 

What can I do? I've made such a mess of things and I feel absolutely awful.

 

To add my partner is lazy, messy amd since living together I've realised that is emotionally unavailable, has no empathy and I'm sure he is on the autistic spectrum.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

So sorry you are going through this.  It sounds horrible truly.

Did they not interact before moving in together?

I think you need get tough.

0. Break up with him.

1. Have him buy you out so you can move out and rent a place until something opens up.

2. You buy him out or make some other arrangements like renting out a room and you help him to pay rent - he moves out. 

3. Get a line of credit using house as collateral to get the funds to move out. Sell the house.

I assume you work?

 

[SingFish]

6 hours ago, Sunflower2355 said:

What can I do? I've made such a mess of things and I feel absolutely awful.

Is your partner miserable too? Maybe you can talk to him and come to some arrangement with the house. 

If you plan to stay together get help for your partner to live alongside your children. 

Otherwise move back to your daughter's previous school area and enroll her there?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Sunflower2355 said:

I can't move to another house in this area as we own this house. I have no one to stay with as have no family or friends here. I can't move to my home town as the kids are in school here. I can't talk to my family about this. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you co-own the house? If so you may need to figure out how to get out of the house and mortgage. 

First tell him it's not working out and you need to move out. You may need an attorney or banking advice on how to get out of this.

Unfortunately you have a long list of "I can't", but logistically what can you do?

Hopefully you are not thinking he'll change or your children will benefit from living in turmoil.

See what you Can do as far as resolving this issue. Talk to the bank or an attorney about getting out of this house deal.

[Sunflower2355]

We co-own the house and have lived here for 5 months.  We would sell the house and the market seems good at the moment. The issue is I have no school places for my children in the school my daughter previous went to. She would definitely not cope with another school move in such a short amount if time. If I could get them both a place I could move in wit lh family and put my things in storage. It would be ideal as their house isn't big enough for us  but it's an option.

 

Renting is far too expensive,  I cannot afford rent.  It's way more than the mortgage we pay together. It's around £500 more. If my partner moves out I can't afford the bills/council tax by myself. 

I have tried to talk to him. Tbh I think he is on the autistic spectrum. He doesn't talk about his feelings so one day to another I have no idea what he is thinking/feeling.  He would never help any help/support for himself. 

 

Ideally school places will come up, I can move to my parents and sell the house. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Sunflower2355 said:

 I can move to my parents and sell the house. 

Ok there's a solution. Get him to buy you out or some other arrangements and stay with your parents. Whatever it is try to make a stable happy home for your children. Where is their father?

Not everyone who doesn't want to talk about feelings needs the ASD label, so just write it off to incompatibilities.

 

[Sunflower2355]

My parents live in a different area to my children's school. It would take almost an hour in the morning/school time. I wouldn't be able to work if I had to travel an hour there and back, then again in the evening. 

 

There is a long list if his difficulties,  not just the feelings stuff. It's definitely not incompatibility. He has sensory issues, no empathy,  cannot pick up on emotions and doesn't recognise things like whe his son his tired or hungry unless he says he is. He is emotionally unavailable,  very defensive if anything is discussed with him and he immediately stonewalls me. He thinks stress,  depression and anxiety are a choice. Everything is logic to him, even love that he says he has never felt for previous partners apart from me. It's been difficult. I am going through a potential disciplinary at work which could lead to me losing my job and he has not supported me at all. He said it's not a big deal and I am choosing to be worried/stressed about it. If I cry he runs a mile and will avoid me. He cannot reassure, he cannot be emotionally intimate,  doesn't compliment me at all as he doesn't see why people need any validation. Sorry went off then!

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Sunflower2355 said:

My parents live in a different area to my children's school. It would . I am going through a potential disciplinary at work which could lead to me losing my job and he has not supported me at all. 

It's understandable you're not happy living there. Where is your childrens father? You'll have to either try to get along or uproot your life. It's up to you.

How do you propose to solve the problem of co-owning the house?

Have you been to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Start there. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

If your partner is not supportive, stop talking at him and seek appropriate compassionate and helpful support.

[SingFish]

2 hours ago, Sunflower2355 said:

Ideally school places will come up, I can move to my parents and sell the house.

Yes, maybe you can home school until then. 

Stay positive, teach your kids that everything will be okay!

[Will am I]

 

12 hours ago, Sunflower2355 said:

I feel like the worse mother in the world.

You don't sound like the worst mother in the world. Your story shows how you are making all this effort to your best judgement and aimed at the benefit of our children. So in your mom role you seem to be doing well.

 

12 hours ago, Sunflower2355 said:

To add my partner is lazy, messy amd since living together I've realised that is emotionally unavailable, has no empathy and I'm sure he is on the autistic spectrum.

The problem seems to be more on the relationship level.

It seems you didn't think things through very well and ended up buying a house with a partner who's not a great match with your children (or with you at this moment).

I understand the kids are yours and he doesn't have kids of his own? Living in a house with small children is quite an adjustment for him. EIther he will grow into it quickly or it was a mismatch for him to move in with a woman and her children.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Sunflower2355 said:

Ideally school places will come up, I can move to my parents and sell the house. 

Ok. It may take a while to untangle the house mess so maybe when that's over, you can move the children back home near their friends family and what they are used to. Where is the father? Does he have custody and visitation and pay child support?

Your BF doesn't seem like a good match as far as living as a family or as a partner.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Sunflower2355 said:

There is a long list if his difficulties,  not just the feelings stuff. It's definitely not incompatibility. He has sensory issues, no empathy,  cannot pick up on emotions and doesn't recognise things like whe his son his tired or hungry unless he says he is. He is emotionally unavailable,  very defensive if anything is discussed with him and he immediately stonewalls me. He thinks stress,  depression and anxiety are a choice. Everything is logic to him, even love that he says he has never felt for previous partners apart from me. It's been difficult. I am going through a potential disciplinary at work which could lead to me losing my job and he has not supported me at all. He said it's not a big deal and I am choosing to be worried/stressed about it. If I cry he runs a mile and will avoid me. He cannot reassure, he cannot be emotionally intimate,  doesn't compliment me at all as he doesn't see why people need any validation. Sorry went off then!

Did his behavior change after you moved in with him 5 months ago or was he this way before you moved in with him?  How did he treat your children before you moved in together and how long have you known him?  Are the children's father around to help with them?

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Did his behavior change after you moved in with him 5 months ago or was he this way before you moved in with him?  How did he treat your children before you moved in together and how long have you known him?  Are the children's father around to help with them?

Took the words....

@Sunflower2355did he do a massive bait and switch after move in?  

Anyway, my advice is talk to a lawyer.

Kids are resilient, they will bounce back in time. 

Trust me, moving them again is better than living in a home with this much toxicity and dysfunction between the adults; that will do much more harm then moving again.

I speak from experience when saying that. 

 

Edited September 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Will am I]

On 9/8/2022 at 5:40 PM, poppyfields said:

Trust me, moving them again is better than living in a home with this much toxicity and dysfunction between the adults; that will do much more harm then moving again.

“it is better to be from a broken home than to live in one”

dr. Phil

[Sunflower2355]

I've been with my partner over 3 years and we live together. I have two children and he has one  he is welcomed with open arms by my family and they are always included. I haven't seen any of my partners family for 5 months. They never visit as my partner doesn't invite them and he goes to see them with his son weekly. Often it's after he picks his son up from school and I'm in work.

 

I've noticed that even if my partner goes at the weekend he goes alone with his son. I asked him why he doesn't invite us, we all live together . He says he often goes there for peace and quiet. He said my kids are disruptive. They are lively kids and when kids and his son are together they get giddy. He said his family don't find disruptive behaviour acceptable and he finds it difficult. He gave my 3 examples if when my son has had a tantrum. 

I've told my partner how I feel. I've told him it hurts me and we don't deserve to be excluded. I'm often the only partner not invited to things such as a family meal.  I think I should leave but I've just lost my career and my family don't live close. Tonight he knows I'm upset and he is just sat playing on my phone. I'm in bed all upset and he doesn't care and says he does not see the big deal. Am I being unreasonable?

[stillafool]

More than likely the reason you and your kids aren't invited is because his family doesn't want you there but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you that so he blames it on your kids behavior which is wrong.  Where is his son's mother?  Why did you lose your career?  If you want to leave you will have to revive it so you can move out.  Are your out of town family willing to help you if you leave?

[basil67]

[], you've already recognised that the relationship is not working and that you need to find a way out of this mess.  May I kindly suggest that if he's going to his parents without you, then you could use that time to enjoy not having his presence around your children.

Edited September 18, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Previous thread merged

[stillafool]

 If you relocated there 5 months ago where there was only a 30 minute drive away, can't you move back?  Also wasn't this guy acting this way before you relocated there and bought a house with him?  I can't believe you didn't see or notice his behavior before uprooting your kids and yourself to buy a home with him.  Why didn't he want to marry you before making such a move?

[S2B]

Is find a new way to support myself and move asap!

he’s not thinking of you. He’s not prioritizing you.

it’s not worth staying in any relationship when you get your feelings hurt by your partner.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Sunflower2355 said:

. Ive noticed that even if my partner goes at the weekend he goes alone with his son. I asked him why he doesn't invite us, we all live together . He says he often goes there for peace and quiet. 

Why would he invite you and your children when it's supposed to be one on one time with his child or a peaceful visit with his family?

You need to accept that he's a single father.  Yes you're being unreasonable. Focus on your children your own family and better co-parenting with your children's father.

It's unclear why you are taking his time spent with his child or family so personally? 

[poppyfields]

On 9/7/2022 at 2:45 PM, Sunflower2355 said:

I am absolutely miserable. My partner doesn't acknowledge my son, he doesn't speak to him. I hate him for it and I can't stand to be around him. He finds my son difficult as he is loud and has lots of energy. I don't want to be with him anymore and I cannot put up with this. I have spoke to him about this and he says he struggles. He knows how I feel about this and I've told him about the impact in my son. He works shifts so isn't here all the time which is better than nothing.

Your previous thread was merged with this one, and clearly the issues between you go much deeper and are much more serious than the fact he chooses to visit his family without you, your daughter and rambunctious son.

IF it were just the latter and everything else was great, I would agree with Wiseman.  Allow him his lone time and time with his family. 

There's no rule stating he must invite you.  I know a few very happily married couples who attend family events without their spouse for one reason or another, there is nothing 'wrong' with that imho.

And in this case, with your son being as loud and rambunctious as he is, it could be his presence is disruptive to what would otherwise be a quiet visit with his family and/or HE simply needs some quiet time for himself for his own peace of mind as he stated. 

With respect, have you considered taking steps to teach your son how to properly behave so he doesn't cause such a disruption, either at the home you share with your partner and when he visits others' homes?  

Something doesn't sound quite right about that, not all 4 year-olds behave that way.  I would suggest having him evaluated by a qualified doctor or behavioral therapist for a possible behavioral problem if it's as bad as you describe. 

Not putting all the blame on you, I am simply suggesting you at least attempt to view this from a different lens versus villainizing your partner. 

Try seeing it from HIS perspective, understanding goes both ways.  

If after you have done that, you are still miserable with a list of complaints, then my previous advice stands.  

Get the heck OUT.  Do whatever it takes.  Raising kids in such a hateful (your word as per above quote), dysfunctional and toxic environment is doing more damage to your kids than leaving even if you and your kids have to live in a family shelter for a bit until you get back on your feet financially. 

Good luck. 

 

Edited September 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

Seeing both your threads, this sounds like it MAY be a relationship that has "run its course." I think an important suggestion would be to get your career back on track so you have the option to leave.

I think right now you don't have the option to do that for economic reasons. As you have children you have to be careful, and you might have to endure your bad relationship for some time in order to leave in a way that's economically safe. Things might turn around, as you seem somewhat less unhappy (overall) in this second post than you did in the first, but overall that doesn't sound overly likely to be frank.