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What does he want with me?


Summer2024

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Hi! So I met this guy 5 months ago, (through kids’ school) he is getting divorced and so am I. The first time I met him, he was so charming and even asked me if I wanted to do a speed dating right then and there. We talked maybe for 30ms. And we saw each other one month later, again at school. In the meantime, he texted me and was very flirtatious. When I saw him a month after, he told He had a girlfriend and made sure To tell me she was 20 years younger (I am 11 years younger than he is- he is older). I thanked him for his honesty and said if he was ever single and available he could reach back. I was honestly offended that he thought it would be OK to lead me into thinking something could happened when he was dating someone else. I texted later and said I like guys who walk a straight line and I thought he was a guy with low values. So he got offended and we stopped texting. 
I run into him few days ago, after four months, and he asked me if I wanted to go for a drink. I was running and I said “you have my number, text me and will see”.
I thought about it, and had doubts about accepting his invitation but I accepted it bc he is so charming and I thought “well maybe he is single and reaching back.”
I met him for a drink, he was charming as always, and very flirtatious again, he said “don’t make me fall in love with you” and called me beautiful so many times. I asked how his summer went and he told Me he went to Europe with his girlfriend. He still has a girlfriend, so I told him again, “thanks but no thanks”, I told him I have the impression he does not know what he wants. He told me his relationship was “unwinding” (coming to An end- I guess) because they want different things, she wants to have kids and he does not want more. However he is still in a relationship, and has been for one year. I joked and I told him he was vained, I told him he looks his age, mid 50s and that I could tell by his wrinkles and grays and I also told him that he was so predictable, (older man dating younger woman). he laughed when I told him he had wrinkles and told Me he was going to do Botox. (Joking)
 

We had one drink and I said I had to go. 
he texted me later and said that running into me was “serendipity”. I responded “I see you at parents day” (in October) he said “maybe earlier” I said “that will only depend on a couple of factors and one of them is 100 percent in your court and it does not have to do with your wrinkles- I like your wrinkles” he said, “ha, I want to talk to you about that” and I said “about the factor or your wrinkles?” He said “wrinkles” so I said “I will see you at parents day”. That was it.

Could anyone explain to me his type? I am such a straight forward and honest person. I also know exactly what I want and I have 0 tolerance for infidelity of any kind. 
 

what does he want with me? Is he a confused middle age man having fun with a woman 20 y younger, if so why to Be so flirtatious with me every time he sees me?

is this man a complete womanizer? I hate the type! 

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2 minutes ago, Summer2024 said:

 

is this man a complete womanizer? I hate the type! 

Clearly he is. What makes you think he’s anything but a womanizer? And despite “hating” the type, you seem to be attracted to the type.

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Ha’! Yes, I do like him. I feel great when I talk to him, and his fun and did I mention his so charming? 
Ok. So I guess the question is how do I make him to make a choice and choose me?

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5 minutes ago, Summer2024 said:

Ha’! Yes, I do like him. I feel great when I talk to him, and his fun and did I mention his so charming? 
Ok. So I guess the question is how do I make him to make a choice and choose me?

So to be clear, you want to be with a womanizer? If so, I’d say offer him no strings sex and you’ll get him to have sex with you. If you’re looking for something more, I’m afraid it’s not going to happen. As has been established already, he’s a womanizer. 

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I would be have to say he's monkey branching but I don't even think he's doing that. I just think he likes having the attention of a harem. And the sexual privileges of having one. There's nothing wrong with that if you're up and up with all of the women. Doesn't sound like he's very honest. 

Basically, he's a non-monogamous guy who lies to women either directly or through omission to live a non-monogamous lifestyle while they assume he is monogamous.

In other words he's the worst of both worlds. Stay away - he sounds like a grade a douchebag.

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50 minutes ago, Summer2024 said:

So I guess the question is how do I make him to make a choice and choose me?

Kindly, you need to raise your standards. Immediately. 

This guy is bottom-of-the-barrel. I don't know if you're lonely after your divorce, but don't let the feeling of being flattered by a creep cloud your common sense here. He's looking for a side-piece and he smells your vulnerability a mile off, and he knows exactly how to play you. 

Stay away from this guy and block him. Focus on your self-esteem so you aren't tempted the next time a weasel makes you feel pretty and desired. It won't be worth it. 

EDIT: I went back and read your other threads. Your husband asked for a divorce very recently, by the sounds of it. As of a couple weeks ago, you were struggling very much with this and feeling emotional (understanably) That's even more reason to stay away from dating for a while, and especially men like the one in this thread. Those guys will take full advantage of your fragile state and you will get very hurt. Take time for yourself now, and learn to be your own woman again. Heal. Then consider dating. Right now, you're in a place where you will probably not be so great at weeding out the bad seeds. Wait until you have grieved your marriage and are in a stronger place. That is when you will find great men. Not ones just looking for sex from a vulnerable woman.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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1 hour ago, Summer2024 said:

I met him for a drink, he was charming as always, and very flirtatious again, he said “don’t make me fall in love with you” and called me beautiful so many times.

My oh my oh my.

How much cheesier can he get?

First, don't succumb to cheesy remarks.

Second, stop engaging. You are flirting back with him just by reading some of your remarks and responses to him.

Telling this guy that he's wrong for flirting with you and then flirting back and egging him on sends mixed signals.

Pick one approach and stick with it. It's either okay for the flirting to continue or it's not.

Make no bones about it, or he will keep pushing until he gets what he wants. 

 

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2 hours ago, Summer2024 said:

 I met this guy 5 months ago, he is getting divorced and so am I. womanizer? I hate the type! 

Are you both still legally married and/or living with your spouses? 

If you feel he's a dirty old man/womanizer,  just avoid him.

Instead focus on getting your divorced finalized and effective co-parenting.

Once you are single and settled, you will be able to date freely and attract a better class of men.

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Why didn't you ask him if he has gotten a divorce yet and if he's still has the 20 year old girlfriend before you went for a drink with him.   To answer your question, yes he's a womanizer who even with wrinkles and grey hair can get women 20 years or more younger than him.  Is that what you're looking for?

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Wiseman, I have been separated (leaving alone) for 9 months and he has been separated (leaving alone) for 18 months (he has been with his girlfriend for 12 months). We are both in the process of getting divorce but still not legally divorce. 
i have been alone for a while and yes, it is nice to hear someone flirt with you and compliment you. But at the same time this guy is not available and for some reason thinks it’s ok to ask me for a drink as he is still in a relationship. It also makes me wonder how many other women is he asking?

I know that that is not what I want. 

I will just say no, next time I run into him. 
 

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Despin, I did not say all those things in one sentence neither the same day. I am not sure I want to win him over, I would like him to straighten his priorities, take some time alone and ask to get to know me. But I am not sure that he has it on him to be like that.

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11 hours ago, Summer2024 said:

So I guess the question is how do I make him to make a choice and choose me?

That's the neat part - you don't.

He's clearly interested, but whether he's interested in a ONS, fling, short-term relationship, or LTR is anybody's guess.

The only thing you can do is decide to give him a whirl (or not) and see how it plays out. Given everything you describe, my belief is he's still in a post-divorce "trying different women out" mode, which would not bode well.

I suspect that will fade eventually, as some men are ultimately happier paired up, but there is little guarantee that you'd be the one he "settles on" for a LTR (assuming that happens at all).

Edited by mark clemson
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12 hours ago, Summer2024 said:

He told me his relationship was “unwinding” (coming to An end- I guess) because they want different things,

Yeah, she wants a guy who isn't trying to get into the pants of someone else while dating her.

OP, he's shown you who he is.  He's not going to change.

12 hours ago, Summer2024 said:

he was charming as always, and very flirtatious again, he said “don’t make me fall in love with you” and called me beautiful so many times. I

Believe this horseshit at your own peril.

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1 hour ago, Summer2024 said:

I would like him to straighten his priorities, take some time alone and ask to get to know me. But I am not sure that he has it on him to be like that.

He doesn't. 

He isn't available to date anyway, so you don't need to waste your time wishing he is someone he just isn't. 

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He wants sex, that's what he wants. And he wants sex with you while he retains his current gf. 

Not sure what is confusing about this at all. 

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21 hours ago, Summer2024 said:

I know you are right. I will move on! I do not want to be with a womanizer. Awwww if only the man could change!

Ahh, but if he changed, you wouldn't like him anymore!  

You like him just as he is now, which is an attractive, charming womanizer.  

What you're not quite getting is that the same traits and qualities that make him so charming and attractive are the same traits that make him a successful womanizer.  

That's him, who he is, the man you have fallen for.  

I can almost guarantee if he stopped being that man, you wouldn't want him anymore.

And guess what?  HE knows it! 😀

Edited by poppyfields
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I have to agree. 

This man represents something to you. There's attraction, enticement. And coming out of a long marriage, it may be that this "something" is also something quite opposite to your ex husband, which looks extra nice now because it's so refreshingly different. But the man does not seem to be carved out of the right wood for a long term relationship. No "marriage material".

Which leaves you two options. Turn your back and look further (and maybe wait a little bit to recover from the divorce). Or indulge, accepting that it will be a short term and primarily physical relationship. 

 

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18 hours ago, Summer2024 said:

 I would like him to straighten his priorities

There's no need to. Simply be cordial when you have to see him at school functions. He has a GF and that's the no fly zone.

When you're past the throes of divorce, you'll be ready to date men you respect and are attracted to. You seem to depict him as a dirty old man,so why does it matter what "he wants with you"?

Edited by Wiseman2
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