You deserve better, is there someone better?

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

Side note: Why is it that men are able to compartmentalise affairs better than women? Why are they more inclined to breadcrumbing you once the excitement wears off?? Can't women do the same???

They do all the time.  You just can't.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

The part where I feel my life ia empty and meaningless happens just recently. It could be mid-life crisis. It could also be because I juat moved to another country to start a business and all my friends are not here with me. 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get a job where there are other people, even part time. Take some classes and courses, anything. language, dancing, yoga, whatever. That way you'll fill voids in a more constructive permanent basis.

However unavailable people choose other unavailable people so perhaps someone else's husband is "safe" to you as it involves no effort, insight or future. Don't hide away in your apt with cats for if/when this guy has a free moment he can sneak away from his wife.. Take control of your life, heart, mind.

When you feel better, get a good profile and pics on some Quality dating apps. Start talking to and meeting local interested available single men.

[BrinnM]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

someone else's husband is "safe" to you as it involves no effort, insight or future

Totally resonates with me. 100% 

[glows]

13 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

Unfortunately relationships these days are very confusing. There are so many school of thoughts around: Marriage and babies kill desire, monogamy is unnatural, uncertainties breed desire, marriage is a social construct, institutional contract designed to benefit the economy.

I'm not sure if they are actually happy or if they brainwash themselves to be happy if they can't find anyone compatible. 

Amid all these thoughts, what I want is to have no expectation of MM and just enjoy the ride, and transit into FWB type of relationship, which was my original intention. Of course I have to work on issues such as the emotional attachments, maybe it's possible.

 

13 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

That was exactly what I thought. The weird thing is I am a confident person. But I don't understand why I can't get high-value men. I suspect it's because I'm the only child and I got paranoid that I'd die alone with cats. 

The part where I feel my life ia empty and meaningless happens just recently. It could be mid-life crisis. It could also be because I juat moved to another country to start a business and all my friends are not here with me. 

Having or being able to develop healthy emotional attachments is part of life/living. That’s a gift you’re able to use. Why downgrade your abilities or expect less of yourself, numbing the ability to attach? Are you self-sabotaging in boredom? 

This takes me to your second quote above. Stay busy and productive. Think big picture and work backwards on completing your goals. If you’re interested in more out of life go and accomplish all those things. Companionship is just one tiny piece of the puzzle. Are there other things you’d wish to do with the rest of your life?

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

There are so many school of thoughts

I'm not sure if they are actually happy or if they brainwash themselves to be happy if they can't find anyone compatible. 

Amid all these thoughts, what I want is to have no expectation of MM and just enjoy the ride, and transit into FWB type of relationship, which was my original intention. Of course I have to work on issues such as the emotional attachments, maybe it's possible.

Right. The important question, for you, is which school of thought are you.

I'm pretty sure there are some folks who are quite genuinely happy single. I agree there may be those who would prefer to be coupled but find it difficult or impossible for whatever reasons and so try to "convince themselves" as they make the best of it - that's probably out there too.

I'm not sure you can "force yourself" to have no expectations or emotional attachment IF you naturally tend towards having them. That would seem like an attempt to convince yourself of something you don't actually feel, etc, as well.

You can certainly "suppress" your feelings/emotional attachments, people do this all the time. However, I don't think you will actually avoid feeling them, certainly not entirely. I'm not sure how wise and/or emotionally healthy that would really be. You may end up feeling like "you never got what you really wanted" out of any of this. Hard to say, it's as if (and I could be way off here) that you're trying to "not want what you really want" in order to "be able to have what you think you should want or should be allowed to have". Something like that, dunno.

Edited September 21, 2022 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

The part where I feel my life ia empty and meaningless happens just recently. It could be mid-life crisis. It could also be because I juat moved to another country to start a business and all my friends are not here with me. 

I would guess this has to do with your sense of identity being "disrupted" a bit by all the changes and/or reduction in your social group. You'll probably need to "rebuild it" a bit by adjusting to your new role(s)/activities and developing a new social network.

Edited September 21, 2022 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

what I want is to have no expectation of MM and just enjoy the ride, and transit into FWB type of relationship, which was my original intention.

It goes without saying, but MM don’t have FWB type of relationships… they have affairs. If his wife was aware of his exploits, it’s more than likely that she would have a problem with it. People generally marry with the expectation that their partner will be faithful - not that he will have any number of “FWB” on the side. 

Affairs are not regular relationships. As I said above, you can’t compare them to other long term relationships. And, it’s not like dating a single man. You’re expectations and your language is in keeping with a single woman looking for a long term sexual partner (FWB), but that’s not what you have here. Let’s call a spade a spade - MM don’t date and they don’t act like boyfriends. MM have affairs and the parameters of those relationships and your expectations are/should be very different. 



 

[BaileyB]

People often use relationship terms to describe affairs, “dating” and “FWB” being among the most common. It’s often an attempt to normalize and make more socially appropriate a relationship that is outside what many would consider to be socially appropriate norms.

If I may, let’s imagine that you were married and your husband decided to be “FWB” with another woman and keep that relationship secret from you - how would you feel about that OP?

Edited September 21, 2022 by BaileyB