What Should I do?

[Hailey Khoo]

I have an international marriage. I am originally from Malaysia and married to my husband who is from Spain. After a few months, we got married, and a pandemic (covid) happened. Due to this pandemic, my husband lost his job and was jobless for almost 2 years. And it changes him. He was always angry that he couldn't provide for me. As I couldn't speak the language, I was unable to work as well. So, for 2 years we depended on our savings from our previous jobs. However, he managed to get a job last year in September. And I thought this would make him happier. But, I noticed he has gotten more angry and depressed, and I didn't know why.  And this year I started to feel distant from him, but I thought it was because of the stress. It is because he always acted normally and always joked around. So, I thought everything was normal. However, three days ago, all of the sudden, he said he wanted a divorce and said he longer has any feelings for me anymore. I tried to talk him out and suggested to him what we can do to improve our life for 3 consecutive days. But, he said he just couldn't go on with his life together with me. He said he just doesn't feel anything anymore for me and he seemed to be quite depressed as well. 

I still love him and I didn't know how to survive in Spain by myself or to go back to Malaysia to face my parents and family. (Because in my culture, divorce is a bad thing, especially for a woman). I wanted to take a professional course in Spain by next month and planned to get a job by early next year. However, after what my husband said, I didn't know what to do. He wanted me to move out to stay by myself if I decided to continue living in Spain. (which I am not sure whether I will be able to afford it or not) Or I can choose to just go back to my home country. I am having a huge dilemma as I wanted to learn this new career and continue to live here in Spain with my husband (not alone).  

I am thinking to go back to my country for vacation (1-2 months) after my studies to think things through and maybe to give some space to my husband. Do you think is a good idea? I don't know which decisions to make as he said he wouldn't change his mind about the divorce no matter what I do or say.

Please help me or give me some bits of advice. I was kinda depressed, sad, and angry about this situation as I sacrificed myself a lot for this marriage and no one to talk to. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Hailey Khoo said:

I am thinking to go back to my country for vacation (1-2 months) after my studies to think things through and maybe to give some space to my husband. 

Check with your attorney. Can you reenter the country? Does he want a divorce? He may get one in absentia while you're gone and you may be barred from reentering the country.

The best thing to do is divorce now and then move home for good.

[glows]

On 9/20/2022 at 5:24 PM, Hailey Khoo said:

I am thinking to go back to my country for vacation (1-2 months) after my studies to think things through and maybe to give some space to my husband. Do you think is a good idea? I don't know which decisions to make as he said he wouldn't change his mind about the divorce no matter what I do or say.

The relationship sounds like it’s over so start taking care of yourself. You’re going to have to come clean about the divorce with your family anyway but you don’t owe them any details. Your stbx chose to end the marriage not you. Stop taking on all that shame. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about as this wasn’t your choice. Even it was your choice to end the marriage, there is still no shame in ending a relationship that is not working. He sounds unreliable, an angry angsty person and he was dragging you down. 

Id speak with a lawyer to divorce and end the marriage. Then look at options for work and study if you wish to stay in Spain. You’re not stuck there either forever. Nor are you doomed to return to Msia the rest of your life. Dare yourself to start again whenever you feel there’s better opportunity and start a new life and be smart about your finances and choices.