BetrayedPartner2022 Posted September 21, 2022 Share Posted September 21, 2022 My husband is my best friend. We met in college and have been inseparable ever since. I never imagined he would actually have an affair. I don't trust easily and scrutinize everything, but looking back on it I ignored the clues that seem so obvious now. The long and short of it is this, life served up a few year's worth of lemons. My life felt out of control. I started drinking and it evolved into a full-blown addiction. I let everyone in my life down until I got sober. During the height of my struggles, my husband started a new job with a horrendous commute. An admin in their office befriended him and their relationship quickly evolved into talking every day. Texting. Calls. Social Media DM's, and eventually sex. This went on throughout my spiral. I went to treatment. Got sober and have been for almost three years. I work hard at righting my wrongs and helping my children/husband heal. All this to find out their relationship accelerated as I got healthier. He never spent the night with her. She never came to our home. They went on only a handful of dates, but there was a real connection there. I emailed this woman in April of this year and in my most diplomatic voice, asked her to explain their relationship and to alert her that we were very much married. She refused to respond to me. I knew something wasn't right. I didn't have all the details but there were enough discrepancies that I couldn't ignore it anymore. Flash forward to June. I was out with my husband and posted a pic on Twitter of us, and the barrage of emails started. The first email was one that she sent to him, and blind copied me. It was almost an outline of every thing the two of them had done in the last six months. I responded to both and simply said, "Thank you." It was the validation I needed. That wasn't enough. She continued to email me. Sending me pictures. Screen shots of texts. Details about their encounters. I asked her to stop. She persisted. I told her that I would get a do not contact order if she didn't stop. I was angry with her too. She knew he was married. She knew we had kids. I can't hold her accountable, but that doesn't mean I want to be friends with this woman. She stopped bothering to me, and shifted to my 13 year old daughter's instagram account. Sending her messages with pictures of the two of them together. Telling her that her father was leaving us to be with her. We had our lawyer draft a letter telling her to stop contact. I didn't want to get a DNC and put something on her record. I didn't want to be that woman. It's been a lot. We are working on finding a path forward but my heart feels destroyed on many levels. I'm doing all the recommended things. Therapy. Treatment work. Reaching out for support. He's doing the same, but I'm left feeling really unsteady and angry. If you found a path forward, how did it go? Did you find inner peace with time? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 21, 2022 Share Posted September 21, 2022 6 minutes ago, BetrayedPartner2022 said: Got sober and have been for almost three years. We had our lawyer draft a letter telling her to stop contact. Focus on your sobriety. You're doing the right things to protect your child. Is your husband still seeing her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BetrayedPartner2022 Posted September 21, 2022 Author Share Posted September 21, 2022 He ended the relationship without hesitation. I was with him when he spoke to her. Yes, my sobriety is the most important thing and this certainly has tested that. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 21, 2022 Share Posted September 21, 2022 31 minutes ago, BetrayedPartner2022 said: She stopped bothering to me, and shifted to my 13 year old daughter's instagram account. Sending her messages with pictures of the two of them together. Telling her that her father was leaving us to be with her. We had our lawyer draft a letter telling her to stop contact. I didn't want to get a DNC and put something on her record. I didn't want to be that woman. This sounds very aberrant to me. I think perhaps you DO want to be that woman, actually. Leave 13 year olds out it. She was probably sensitive to a lot of friction between you and your husband, as well as whatever she may have witnessed during your alcoholism. "More drama" is no doubt the last thing she needs. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 21, 2022 Share Posted September 21, 2022 How old are your children? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 22, 2022 Share Posted September 22, 2022 7 hours ago, BetrayedPartner2022 said: We had our lawyer draft a letter telling her to stop contact. I didn't want to get a DNC and put something on her record. I absolutely would. This woman is unhinged and involving your daughter. All bets are off right there. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 22, 2022 Share Posted September 22, 2022 7 hours ago, BetrayedPartner2022 said: . We had our lawyer draft a letter telling her to stop contact. I didn't want to get a DNC and put something on her record. Yes, pursue whatever legal protection you can. Have you seen the film "Fatal Attraction"? The phrase bunny boiler was coined from the scene where the crazy woman boils the child's pet. While of course that's fiction and dramatized, the concept of crazy other women such as this one engaging your 13 y/o is not that far off. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 22, 2022 Share Posted September 22, 2022 I think you feel unsteady about your marriage because (partly) it hasn’t been your husband that’s been providing the info/details about his affair. when will HE get honest with YOU about how he participated? how does he plan to earn your trust back? the marriage you used to have has been forever broken - what will the new version of your marriage look like? Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 There are so many angles to this. I don't think it makes sense to talk about OW. The one on the forum is you @BetrayedPartner2022 and the person you are dealing with is your husband. My first angle is about your husband. By the reaction of his OW after the Twitter photo, it shows how she must have felt entitled. Like she was his primary partner and not you. Your husband may try to downplay this like "she's crazy" but how realistic is that? My guess is that he lead her on to these thoughts of how his wife had mentally abandoned him and he was the victim and how grateful he was with OW who did give him some love and attention. He must have lifted her up into your spot and that is really on him. My second angle: you are a self admitted alcoholic. Alcoholism is a terrible desease which gradually eats away at your ability to sustain intimate relationships. I do feel how lonely your husband may have felt when you were mentally absent and preferred drinks over human contact. So I have some sympathy for him despite his obvious wrongdoings. What is your perception on this: would you be open to accept your share of guilt if your husband accepts his? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 (edited) 45 minutes ago, Will am I said: My second angle: you are a self admitted alcoholic. Alcoholism is a terrible desease which gradually eats away at your ability to sustain intimate relationships. I disagree. She has done her part and has been sober for 3 years. This bunny boiler contacted their 13 year old child!! That is 100% the husbands fault and they are correct to get legal intervention for that. Yes she admits she drank, but she is not responsible for his choice to cheat and get involved with a crazy woman. Cheating is his choice, not an appropriate or excusable response to whatever problems/issues there were. Edited October 1, 2022 by Wiseman2 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 (edited) On 9/21/2022 at 2:09 PM, BetrayedPartner2022 said: She stopped bothering to me, and shifted to my 13 year old daughter's instagram account. Sending her messages with pictures of the two of them together. Telling her that her father was leaving us to be with her. We had our lawyer draft a letter telling her to stop contact. I didn't want to get a DNC and put something on her record. I didn't want to be that woman. It's been a lot. We are working on finding a path forward but my heart feels destroyed on many levels. I'm doing all the recommended things. Therapy. Treatment work. Reaching out for support. He's doing the same, but I'm left feeling really unsteady and angry. If you found a path forward, how did it go? Did you find inner peace with time? Regarding deception in general and altogether an intolerable situation, yes, I found a path forward. I chose divorce and have lived happily ever after with great inner peace. I am very sorry you’ve gone through this. Congrats on getting sober, stay sober please for the sake of your kid/s. He chose to involve himself with her in an affair and while the decision is yours on how to proceed, he still remains the father of your child. Do what you can to protect her and I don’t think a DNC is unwarranted. It was wrong of her to ever contact your daughter. What did your husband have in response to his AP’s behaviour? Is he tail between his legs now that he’s been outted or now that his AP is revealed deranged? Edited October 1, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 Sounds like my xH's OW as well. It has finally been a year since I heard from her last. 4 Years after I divorced my xH. After I had moved on and in a long term relationship. I would block one number, and a new one would start to text, call ,etc. New emails created daily. Social media accounts. Etc. Admittedly, I engaged a time or two. She didn't like it when the reversed happened. Link to post Share on other sites
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