My heart is aching not knowing what to do

[Harriet6722]

Long story short- my heart is hurting,  I’m in a relationship a little shy of 10 years and have 2 children together.  
My gut is wrenching all the time. I wish I could change the way I think and how I process things. It’s awful feeling so doubtful and un-secure in a long term relationship and in life in general. (I have trust issues but he hasn’t cheated, just made me very insecure about myself, disrespected me on many many occasions over a long period of time, and never bothered to change or listen to what was upsetting me) 
 

How do you learn to trust a person you’ve spent so long with, promised he has never cheated but has made a LOT of thoughtless and disrespectful choices towards you in the relationship? 

I want things to work but my heart is so broken from everything over time, giving chance after chance and getting no where. With a young rainbow baby here it makes everything harder to process especially wanting to be a family after the birth/death of our first baby at 40w. 
I’ve tried so many years of counselling to change the way I think/trust but my heart hurts all the time not knowing what to do or if he really is truthful/faithful. He openly admitted he never would have told the truth about him going to a strip club had I not caught him out in a friends video. He’s always had ways of making me insecure but always turns it onto me. 
 

main question, I love him but my heart is broken. Can we heal from this? I can’t feel like this anymore with a baby to look after and put first  I can’t be a good mum when this is on my shoulders constantly. He thinks because he has now decided to change his ways that the last 8 years of how he’s made me feel are irrelevant because he hasn’t done it in a   “ month “

Edited September 22, 2022 by Harriet6722
Adding more

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Harriet6722 said:

Long story short- my heart is hurting,  I’m in a relationship a little shy of 10 years and have 2 children together.  

I’ve tried so many years of counselling to change the way I think/trust but my heart hurts all the time not knowing what to do or if he really is truthful/faithful.

Sorry this is happening. He seems a bit abusive or at best insensitive. Take care of yourself and children. Disconnect from him a bit. See your physician for an evaluation of postpartum health and moods. Definitely continue therapy. Try not to talk to him about your feelings, Instead do whatever you can to address the blues and care for your children. Put him on the backburner on autopilot for now. Focus on yourself.

[stillafool]

Welcome to LoveShack Harriet.   I'm sorry you're in pain.  What did your partner do to make you feel insecure.  It would help us help you if you can be more specific.

[BaileyB]

It’s difficult to provide advice to you Harriet without knowing the full story. 

That said, I am struck by the pain and the disappointment in your post. I have to wonder why you are twisting yourself up into knots trying to make it work with a man when your heart is telling you that it hurts. Whatever you decide, I would advise you to stop having children with this man until you are in a better place. 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Harriet6722 said:

main question, I love him but my heart is broken. Can we heal from this?

A relationship boils down to a choice whether to continue it. So, yes it's possible, and some will even coast on inertia for extended times.

It takes two people to work on a relationship. That said, some people (men and women) are better at "emotional support" than others.

Taking what you write at face value, it sounds like he's trying, or thinks he is, at least to some extent, but that he'll need to "do more" in order for you to feel happy and comfortable again. He does sound insensitive. Even insensitive people can genuinely value their relationships and want to continue them. However, they may not be good at giving their partner what they need, respecting their partners feelings, etc.

You could consider looking into attachment styles. It sounds to me like you might have an insecure attachment partnered with avoidant attachment relationship dynamic going. That is just a guess, but you might try researching this to see if it fits your relationship dynamic.

Edited September 23, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

On 9/22/2022 at 1:17 PM, Harriet6722 said:

Long story short- my heart is hurting,  I’m in a relationship a little shy of 10 years and have 2 children together.  
My gut is wrenching all the time. I wish I could change the way I think and how I process things. It’s awful feeling so doubtful and un-secure in a long term relationship and in life in general. (I have trust issues but he hasn’t cheated, just made me very insecure about myself, disrespected me on many many occasions over a long period of time, and never bothered to change or listen to what was upsetting me) 
 

How do you learn to trust a person you’ve spent so long with, promised he has never cheated but has made a LOT of thoughtless and disrespectful choices towards you in the relationship? 

I want things to work but my heart is so broken from everything over time, giving chance after chance and getting no where. With a young rainbow baby here it makes everything harder to process especially wanting to be a family after the birth/death of our first baby at 40w. 
I’ve tried so many years of counselling to change the way I think/trust but my heart hurts all the time not knowing what to do or if he really is truthful/faithful. He openly admitted he never would have told the truth about him going to a strip club had I not caught him out in a friends video. He’s always had ways of making me insecure but always turns it onto me. 
 

main question, I love him but my heart is broken. Can we heal from this? I can’t feel like this anymore with a baby to look after and put first  I can’t be a good mum when this is on my shoulders constantly. He thinks because he has now decided to change his ways that the last 8 years of how he’s made me feel are irrelevant because he hasn’t done it in a   “ month “

Is he gaslighting you? It sounds like it from the way you describe his behaviour. It’s crazy-making and making you out to be the crazy one in order for him to be in control or keep you from feeling sure of yourself or stable. I suggest you look it up or see a therapist in private to work on those deep feelings of resentment.