OW. Affair. Polyamory. Cheating. Deception.

[Sol Flor]

I am back from a hiatus. This will be long.  I wrote back in March 2021 about being involved with a engaged man. And how he ended it. And from reading what I wrote, I was in pain. Fast forward. My insecure, coward, low self esteem, pathetic, low class, home-wrecker self fell back into the grips of the affair. 
However there’s a twist that I didn’t mention before. I became involved with him and her in a polyamorous relationship. He introduced me to her with hopes that she’d like me and she did. 
When I first started talking to him, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend. He presented himself as an available man. One thing led to another and the flirting intensified over a period of weeks. At this point he said to me “I’d really like you to join my fiancé and I in a threesome. We have them all the time.” I was intrigued. (More like I was stupid). We got physical before I met her. But I met her soon after and she was interested in me. The first day we met, she kissed me. I had never kissed a woman. This was all a whirlwind. It was new and exciting. It felt right. She was ok with him driving me home. She was ok with us going on dates alone together. I suppose I convinced myself she knew and allowed us to be together. He and I had a pretty intense physical affair for years. Our sexual chemistry was intense. And we would have threesomes with her in between. He convinced me that it was ok because she knew. Though we both knew she didn’t know the extent of how often we were together. We’d spend birthdays and holidays together. They’d invite me on holiday. She and I would go out together. We’d hold hands. Kiss. It was all so much. But I liked him. And I liked her too. But I mostly liked him. Somewhere in this they got married. But nothing changed. There were times she text me or call me and ask me to service her husband. (Wow when I type all this it sounds out of this world). I treated him like a boyfriend. I’d make dinner, bake cakes for birthdays.They both are very depressive people. I was their touch tone. I became very emotionally involved in their lives. They reached out to me during tough times. I was their true blue friend. And I was sleeping with both if them but my heart was with him. Though I never wanted him to leave her. I was ok with the 3 of us. 
i started getting insecure and jealous because I knew his nature. I was very intuitive to how he’d interact with people and when he’d like to me. I started becoming a nagging faux girlfriend. And when we’d fight she’d reach out to me and apologize for his temper. He would tell her. 
And finally, as was inevitable. He ended up sleeping with another woman . He had to come clean to both of us. And my heart shattered into a million pieces. I suppose I have no right. I have now been there as a supportive friend in her grief. Because she is shattered. Much more than I. Mine is but a fraction of her heartbreak. I have been there  as a supportive friend for him, too. And he has labeled me as just the other woman. He has told me I have no right to feel betrayed or sad because I was doing the same. i got what was coming in his words. He’s trying to fix his marriage. But He won’t let me go. Keeps me dangled on a string. He calls all the time. Just like he used to. We’re not sleeping together. I am so entangled and intertwined in the web of friendships and affair and love and somewhat of a distorted relationship … but I’m the one left out in the cold. 
I feel like the other woman who got what she deserved. 
I feel shame and guilt 

yet betrayed and thrown away. 
 

I don’t even know where my story fits. But overall I am the other woman. 


 

[stillafool]

So since he's now got another OW why are you still hanging around them?  It's time to go.  When he/they get tired of that OW (and he will) he'll just get a newer one but he will not leave his wife.  Why are you wasting your time with these people?

[spiritedaway2003]

Sometimes the best advice is the shortest.

“But He won’t let me go.”

YOU don’t need his permission.

You can “choose” to let him go. Start by blocking him and changing your number.  You do not need to be intertwined anymore in their lives.  

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Sometimes the best advice is the shortest.

“But He won’t let me go.”

YOU don’t need his permission.

Indeed. If he has hurt you, and replaced you, then it’s time to go. 

[Sol Flor]

Why does it sound so easy to just let it go? 
 

I suppose it’s just as easy as I was replaced 

[BaileyB]

What keeps you holding on to this man who has treated you so badly?

[mark clemson]

No doubt it's easier said than done, but that doesn't mean it's not doable.

Clearly the situation and particularly the later outcome did not make you happy. You'll need to apply resolve and willpower, but walking away will presumably eventually net you a more normal relationship with a lot less "it's complicated."

[Sol Flor]

I have started therapy to understand why I won’t let it go. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m broken beyond belief.  I knew this would eventually happen. I never envisioned forever with him.  I was mostly miserable while we were together. Always wondering if he was grooming someone else. Waiting for the ball to drop and find out he was sleeping with someone else. 
 

I’m scared of the quiet that comes with letting go. 
I'm scared of someone else knowing his touch. 
I’m jealous of the next woman. 
 

I read this. And I’m embarrassed. 

[poppyfields]

You're addicted.  HE is your drug of choice.

And it needs to be treated like any other serious addiction -  cold turkey.

Yes you will experience withdrawal symptoms - emotionally, mentally and perhaps even physically.  Unable to eat or sleep, panic attacks, even the shakes (debilitating anxiety). The whole nine. 

In order for this to happen, you have to be serious about kicking it though.  None of this waffling back and forth and being weak. 

It takes a hell of a lot of strength to break an addiction and love/sexual addiction to another human being is particularly hard because it's emotional. 

You can't just throw up for three days and it's over. 

It takes a loooong time, strength, resilience, knowing it's for the best and having faith and trust in yourself that you can do this, break the addiction and move on from him.

But you have to really want to and I'm getting the sense you're not there yet, not quite ready to let go.

So that's the key, being ready. You may have to hit the very rock bottom; only you know if you're ready for that.

It may be the toughest thing you ever experienced in your life but it's well worth it, please trust me on that. 

Good luck @Sol Flor.

 

 

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Edited September 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

It may sound trite, but I heard a beautiful quote today. “Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go…”

Quote

I’m scared of the quiet that comes with letting go. 
I'm scared of someone else knowing his touch. 
I’m jealous of the next woman. 

It’s not about him, or whoever is next to land in his bed. This is all about you.

It’s in the quiet that you will find yourself and you will find your way forward. But, you will not be able to move forward until you learn to sit in the quiet. 

It’s good that you have a counsellor. I wish you well.

Edited September 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sol Flor said:

I have started therapy to understand why I won’t let it go. 

That's a great place to start. Not everyone is cut out for threesomes, polyamory and sharing beds.

Another place to start is the practical act of severing. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

You can't really start healing until you remove the knife from the wound.

With a twofold approach of addressing the emotions in therapy and removing them it will help.