My gf asked me to move in with her soon but does this sound like a good idea?

[ironpony]

We have been dating for a year and five months now about and she asked me to move in with her after Christmas to see how it would go living together, so we know the future of the relationship would be.

It's just I live with my parents and have had trouble living on my own since I am autistic.  But she says she will help with that and support me.  I love her very much, but I feel my parents will freak if I tell them I am moving in with a gf as they may not fully trust her intentions, or just worry and think I cannot make it with her, which may be true, but I won't know until I try?

Does it sound like a good idea, and I should just tell them, and move in with her in a few months?  Thank you for any advice on this!  I appreciate it!

Edited September 23, 2022 by ironpony

[Wiseman2]

Why not just stay overnight sometimes and get a better feel for things. Does she need help with rent and bills? You can always chip in more if you stay there more often.

[assertives]

Might be a good idea to try easing yourself into things. Like staying over some nights at first then eventually stay perhaps a few days a week with her and the rest of the week back at your parents. Of course do contribute proportionately to rent and utilities as you spend more and more time over.

Even if things don't work out in the end, it may help you learn to be able to eventually live with others other than your parents or even by yourself. Perhaps you can approach it this way with your parents as a plan to eventually help you become independent and not make it just about moving in with a gf.

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, ironpony said:

as they may not fully trust her intentions

What could be those bad intentions?

Do you and your gf spend your weekends together? Do you go away together?

[Rider on the Storm]

11 hours ago, ironpony said:

We have been dating for a year and five months now about and she asked me to move in with her after Christmas to see how it would go living together, so we know the future of the relationship would be.

It's just I live with my parents and have had trouble living on my own since I am autistic.  But she says she will help with that and support me.  I love her very much, but I feel my parents will freak if I tell them I am moving in with a gf as they may not fully trust her intentions, or just worry and think I cannot make it with her, which may be true, but I won't know until I try?

Does it sound like a good idea, and I should just tell them, and move in with her in a few months?  Thank you for any advice on this!  I appreciate it!

Is there a specific reason why your parents wouldn't fully trust her intentions?

[smackie9]

5 months is way too soon and hardly enough time to really get to know someone and for her to earn your parents trust. I would give it a year before moving in, have the honeymoon period over to see what you really have in a relationship. Right now you can do trial runs and stay over on weekends. Get her up to speed what your needs with be and set her to the test.

[Gaeta]

48 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

5 months is way too soon and hardly enough time to really get to know someone and for her to earn your parents trust.

It's been 1 year and five months 🙂

 

[Happy Lemming]

Source: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/602771-is-it-bad-to-not-care-about-what-other-people-think/page/4/?tab=comments#comment-8012666

On August 13, 2021 You @ironpony wrote:

"Oh okay.  It's just that where I live, there a law that if you live together for a set period of time, I read a year, that if things were to not work out that the other person is entitled to a good amount of your savings.  I mean that would be a worst case scenario probably, but it was established before on here that the worst case scenario is the most likely possibly in logic.  So there is that to consider, isn't there?"

[Els]

If you genuinely can't live on your own, you can't and shouldn't be living with your girlfriend. She is supposed to be an equal partner, not your carer. It would be incredibly unfair to her to put that burden on her shoulders, especially at her young age. If you really have disabilities that prevent you from living alone, then you need to look into professional carers and other social care options. 

[ironpony]

1 minute ago, Elswyth said:

If you genuinely can't live on your own, you can't and shouldn't be living with your girlfriend. She is supposed to be an equal partner, not your carer. It would be incredibly unfair to her to put that burden on her shoulders, especially at her young age. If you really have disabilities that prevent you from living alone, then you need to look into professional carers and other social care options. 

I see what you mean but I thought I had a better chance living with an equal partner than by myself.

But if I don't move in and try at least, I think it will be a deal breaker for her.

[ironpony]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

What could be those bad intentions?

Do you and your gf spend your weekends together? Do you go away together?

I've stayed some nights here and there..  we can't spend weekends together since I work weekends in my job.  But if we want to spend a whole day together I have booked days off for that once in a while.  We took a couple of trips so far and it was good.

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Is there a specific reason why your parents wouldn't fully trust her intentions?

No reason specifically, they are just concerned I think.   I had an ex that took me for a ride years ago do I guess that might have made me and my parents more cautious maybe.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I see what you mean but I thought I had a better chance living with an equal partner than by myself.

But if I don't move in and try at least, I think it will be a deal breaker for her.

Assuming that she has full knowledge of what your support needs are, I think it's smart for you to move in together.   You will not only find out how compatible you are, but you will be able to leave the nest and finally become independent.

People with disabilities (PWD) can and do find love, cohabit and marry - even if they need support.  Sometimes with another PWD or sometimes with someone who has no disability.  To be able to live a full life with work, friends and love is something the disability community has been working towards ever since people stopped being institutionalised.   And yes, people do fall in love with someone who needs support and choose to take it on.

Yes, it's true that not everyone will want to take this on, but if your girlfriend is up for it, then why not explore the idea?   Even without disability, few partners are equal in terms of their skillsets, so the two of them combine like a jigsaw, each filling the gap which the other is poor in. 

Depending on your needs, you may be able to have others assist you too.  May I ask which tasks your parents currently support you with?   I'd be interested to discuss them with you and we can talk through what could be outsourced, what you can learn to do for yourself and what your girlfriend could reasonably take on.   Also, what strengths do you bring?  What can you help your girlfriend with?  With this bit of research done, you can bring the idea to your parents to help support your idea.

Lastly, as a parent of an autistic son (who I think needs more support than you), I am acutely aware that my husband and I aren't going to be around forever.  It's crucially important that he does leave the nest before we are too old to manage.  While I understand that your parents may be worried, it would be smart of them to support you to live independently to them rather than to keep you at home and limit your independence.   If they are not keen on you moving out, I'd tell them "I am X years old.  You're not going to be here forever to help support me and I need to learn to live without you.  I would love if you could help me achieve this goal".   Perhaps your parents could help you find services to help support you?

Edited September 23, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

5 months is way too soon and hardly enough time to really get to know someone and for her to earn your parents trust. I would give it a year before moving in, have the honeymoon period over to see what you really have in a relationship. Right now you can do trial runs and stay over on weekends. Get her up to speed what your needs with be and set her to the test.

It's a year and five months  

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Elswyth said:

If you genuinely can't live on your own, you can't and shouldn't be living with your girlfriend.

Not only that, but I would consider you a vulnerable person. I would not do it without legal and financial protections. Your parents and your lawyer should be able to help with this. 

[ShyViolet]

Speaking as someone who has seen your many, many, many posts about the problems you've had in this relationship over the past year or so, I think moving in together would be a horrible idea.  You will find yourself in quite a mess if you do this.  People on this board have advised you to end this relationship many times because you have had so many problems with her, but you've chosen not to do that.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

Speaking as someone who has seen your many, many, many posts about the problems you've had in this relationship over the past year or so, I think moving in together would be a horrible idea.  You will find yourself in quite a mess if you do this.  People on this board have advised you to end this relationship many times because you have had so many problems with her, but you've chosen not to do that.

This is a good point. Is the relationship meeting all of your needs now?

[ironpony]

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is a good point. Is the relationship meeting all of your needs now?

Oh yes the relationship is much better now.  I talked about problems with her ex bothering her before, but that's been good for a long while now and things have been much better.

[Els]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, it's true that not everyone will want to take this on, but if your girlfriend is up for it, then why not explore the idea?   Even without disability, few partners are equal in terms of their skillsets, so the two of them combine like a jigsaw, each filling the gap which the other is poor in.

There is a huge difference between having complementary skillsets, and living with a partner who is literally incapable of living on their own (for whatever reason). People with disabilities can and do live with partners, but firstly the relationship tends to be more developed and mature, and secondly they still need to seek professional assistance. Expecting a partner to replace professional help is a terrible idea, but that seems to be what they are intending to do.

This girl is in her mid twenties. In no way is she equipped to be the sole carer for a disabled person ten years older than her, and even if she felt she was, it's extremely unfair to her especially at this stage in her life.

[ironpony]

4 hours ago, Elswyth said:

There is a huge difference between having complementary skillsets, and living with a partner who is literally incapable of living on their own (for whatever reason). People with disabilities can and do live with partners, but firstly the relationship tends to be more developed and mature, and secondly they still need to seek professional assistance. Expecting a partner to replace professional help is a terrible idea, but that seems to be what they are intending to do.

This girl is in her mid twenties. In no way is she equipped to be the sole carer for a disabled person ten years older than her, and even if she felt she was, it's extremely unfair to her especially at this stage in her life.

oh yes for sure, I wouldn't want to be the sole carer. She just wanted me to move in to see how it would go but she herself said she wouldn't want to be a carer and just want to live together as equals to see if it works and she will try to support me in certain years and I can try to do the same for her. Or at least that's what she is asking for and that sounds pretty good to me, ideally.

Edited September 24, 2022 by ironpony

[Happy Lemming]

18 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Source: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/602771-is-it-bad-to-not-care-about-what-other-people-think/page/4/?tab=comments#comment-8012666

On August 13, 2021 You @ironpony wrote:

"Oh okay.  It's just that where I live, there a law that if you live together for a set period of time, I read a year, that if things were to not work out that the other person is entitled to a good amount of your savings.  I mean that would be a worst case scenario probably, but it was established before on here that the worst case scenario is the most likely possibly in logic.  So there is that to consider, isn't there?"

Have you thought about how you are going to protect your $200K (that you have saved up for your movie)??

[smackie9]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's a year and five months  

Thanks, well baby steps then.

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Have you thought about how you are going to protect your $200K (that you have saved up for your movie)??

Oh well I am trying to get the movie ball rolling now, so that money might be spent before I would need to protect it perhaps.

[basil67]

15 hours ago, Elswyth said:

There is a huge difference between having complementary skillsets, and living with a partner who is literally incapable of living on their own (for whatever reason). People with disabilities can and do live with partners, but firstly the relationship tends to be more developed and mature, and secondly they still need to seek professional assistance. Expecting a partner to replace professional help is a terrible idea, but that seems to be what they are intending to do.

This girl is in her mid twenties. In no way is she equipped to be the sole carer for a disabled person ten years older than her, and even if she felt she was, it's extremely unfair to her especially at this stage in her life.

I feel like you've written the OP off with little knowledge of what his skills actually are.   I'd like to think that the OP's girlfriend has a better idea of what his skills and her ability to support him that we do.  Surely if she felt overwhelmed at the prospect, she wouldn't be keen to try it.

I haven't read that the OPs and/or his girlfriend won't ask for assistance if they do find they need it.  Please forgive me if I missed where he stated that this was the intention.

With a lack of independent living skills, perhaps the OP's parents have been doing too much for him.  He may well be able to develop more self sufficiency with the help of an occupational therapist.  I can personally testify to what a good O/T can achieve in terms of skilling my son up in areas which I had no idea how to teach, while helping me learn when to step in and all the times I need to hold back.  

Regarding successful relationships being "more developed and mature"?  Are you talking about problem solving skills?  There are successful relationships between two people who both have learning disabilities.  Yes, they would require support, but that doesn't make the relationship any less successful.  Or indeed, the individuals in question being less deserving of love and partnership.

As for her being too young, one of my friends was in her early 20's when she decided to move in with her partner who has a degenerative disease.  He's now at the stage of requiring full assistance, but she loves  him and supports him with the help of friends, family and government funded support workers.   Who are we to say what another should and shouldn't take on simply because they are young?    Or to counter my own argument, I got married at 20 and the marriage crashed and burned.  But I got divorced and got on with life.  Making decisions when young is all part of the journey...and so is learning from the consequence (for better or worse) of those decisions.

@ironpony  I'm sorry to be talking about you instead of to you, but I'm still keen for the answer to my earlier question:  Does your girlfriend know what areas you need help in? 

And I'd still like to help you work through solutions regarding what you need assistance with, and what you think you can learn.  And are you willing to get support in areas where you need it?  Would your parents be happy to also support you in some areas either ongoing or during a transitionary phase?   For example, if you struggle with money, I'd like to think they could continue supporting you by helping manage your finances.   

Edited September 25, 2022 by basil67

[Els]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

I feel like you've written the OP off with little knowledge of what his skills actually are. 

I'm not. I'm going off the OP's own words, which are that he "had trouble living on [his] own".

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

I haven't read that the OPs and/or his girlfriend won't ask for assistance if they do find they need it.  Please forgive me if I missed where he stated that this was the intention.

I haven't been on LS for a long time, but last I checked, the OP is not seeing a health professional for his disability, and isn't even going to therapy.