Question Re Boundaries and Respect for Time

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, an issue arose with my hubs today and I want to know if I handled correctly.  I am wondering if I am too flexible and easy going and that this may not be a good thing and that people might take advantage. I am not pretending to be flexible and easy going, there are some things that truly do not bother me like they would some people.

Anyway, my hubs and I talked about meeting downtown and having lunch together today.  He sent me an email at around 10:30 am suggesting 12:30 pm.  It was not a confirmation just a suggestion and I replied saying that sounded good.  He then replied saying he would text me before he left work and we would meet at the restaurant which we had not even decided on yet.  In my mind, it was still very open-ended.

He didn’t message me until 12:50 pm and this is what he said:

“Sorry babe gotta reschedule lunch, a new customer came in and I am still meeting with him.”

Now honestly and truly this did not bother me.  I am at work, keeping busy, I was not sitting around waiting for the call and when he didn’t call at 12:30, I figured something came up, he got delayed or something, which is exactly what happened!

My co-worker and friend asked what happened, why I didn’t meet my hubs and I told her what happened and she responded saying that I should be furious!!

She said he totally disrespected me and my time and that I should NOT allow him to get away with such crap behavior!

She was angrier than I was, in fact I wasn’t even angry.

But should I have been?  Should I have felt disrespected?  Should I say something to him, tell him his behavior was unacceptable and that he should have cut short the meeting with his new client to meet with me as discussed?

I dunno, in my mind it wasn’t confirmed, the time was a suggestion and he said he would call me before he left.

Worthy of note, my hubs is very reliable, he always keeps his commitments and very respectful of me.

But my co-worker friend has now got me questioning my own reactions.  She thinks I am too “nice” and easy-going and that I should be more of a “bytch.”

And that my “niceness” sets up a dynamic wherein he will begin taking me for granted, etc.

What do y’all think? 

Thank you! 

 

Edited September 23, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

“Sorry babe gotta reschedule lunch, a new customer came in and I am still meeting with him.”Now honestly and truly this did not bother me.

My co-worker and friend asked what happened, why I didn’t meet my hubs and I told her what happened and she responded saying that I should be furious!!She said he totally disrespected me and my time and that I should NOT allow him to get away with such crap behavior!

 

You handled it fine. If he has the type of job where stuff comes up then that's how it is. It sounds like this co-worker is sort of a witch.

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You handled it fine. If he has the type of job where stuff comes up then that's how it is. It sounds like this co-worker is sort of a witch.

Totally agree. You handled it perfectly Pops. 

Your coworker sounds like my worst nightmare. 

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like there was no problem, until your co-worker felt that it was her place to tell you how you should feel.  Personally I would have a big problem with that... some co-worker telling me how I should feel, especially sticking her nose in the middle of your personal relationship with your husband.  She doesn't know the inner dynamics of your relationship with your husband and how you relate to each other.  She was out of line and needed to mind her business.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Worthy of note, my hubs is very reliable, he always keeps his commitments and very respectful of me.

It wouldn’t bother me. If anything, I would suggest that should this ever happen again, I would appreciate a text sooner so that I could go get some lunch - I would have been very hungry by 1pm. 

I have a friend who is habitually late for everything. That, I find is very disrespectful of other people’s time. And interestingly, she changed her habits when she started dating her husband - who did not like it. 

ETA, I agree that it was out of place for your coworker to voice her opinion. Your marriage is none of her business. 

Edited September 24, 2022 by BaileyB

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

It also would not bother me unless it became a constant thing. During the workday things do come up and at times casual lunch plans (even with a spouse) may fall through or have to be reset.

[Gaeta]

I see nothing wrong with what happenned between you and your husband.  Your co-worker is seriously confused. This was not a date,  this was a "maybe" we could catch lunch. Don't let her confuse you. 

[S2B]

This coworker should never be allowed to tell you how YOU should feel! She was inappropriate and crossing way over into YOUR boundary! 
 

you feel what you feel! It’s your husband - he got busy at work! No big deal! 
 

then the coworker tells you how to act/behave? NO WAY! I bet money she is single. You don’t have to be a witch to people you love. 
 

you be who you are. Don’t let others tell you what that looks like for you!

[Alpacalia]

I can't imagine my co-workers acting that way towards me. If they did I would tell them to kindly take a hike! 

I think you should befriend new co-workers. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

But my co-worker friend has now got me questioning my own reactions.  

Why is that?

She is a third party who is not involved in your marriage. I would reflect on why she's had the power to rattle you and have you doubting your own feelings. 

[basil67]

If you'd been all dressed up and waiting for him on a nice date and he'd blown you off because he wanted to hang out with his mates, she'd have a point.   But as this was very casual and he got caught up at work, your response was perfect.

If this is the way your workmate carries on in her own life, I'd lay money that she struggles to maintain relationships.

[poppyfields]

Thanks guys, you guys are awesome 😂

To answer some questions, my co-worker was standing next to me when I received my husband's text and I was chuckling and said in a jokey way "I think my hubs just blew me off"!  Lol

I was totally joking, as I said it truly didn't bother me (except I was looking forward to having lunch with him), but I didn't take it personally at all

Now she, as a single woman who struggles in dating, gets blown off, ghosted, etc had a completely different reaction.

Had it been her, she would have taken it personally, took offense to it, maybe assumed the guy didn't like her or care and perhaps thought he was using work as an excuse to bail and had received a better, more attractive offer. 

I mean isn't that fairly typical when one feels insecure, anxious and uncertain about how their boyfriend/girlfriend or date feels about them?

She was projecting essentially and I understood it. 

That said, y'all are right, it was not her place.   But we were in the office, I did not want to add to the drama she had already created and I chose to let it go 

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is a third party who is not involved in your marriage. I would reflect on why she's had the power to rattle you and have you doubting your own feelings. 

 Great response @ExpatInItaly.

I think it's because my nature is so very flexible and easy-going that I sometimes question if I have strong enough boundaries and if my reactions are appropriate to my partner's behavior.

I've had trouble with boundaries in the past and have had boyfriends take advantage of my good nature and step over the line into disrespectful.

So after my co-worker's strong response, a part of me questioned it for a moment, hence this thread.

But it's all good now. Tonight he's taking me to a lovely restaurant for dinner and we're going to celebrate his new VERY big client and my raise!

Thanks again guys! 💛

Edited September 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

The thing is, you and your husband both understand each other and have your own expectations, which are far from your coworker's. That's why you two are happily married.

[Lotsgoingon]

You guys understood each other--you understood the tentativeness of the plan, so you didn't commit to it. So no loss there.

You will know when you need to set better boundaries by the feeling in your gut and body. You'll feel furious. You'll feel used or pushed around. 

I read your hubby's words as more committal than you did. But you KNOW him. 

There is no problem here. You will have plenty of times to get righteously angry at your hubby (it's part of the best relationships). You don't need to go looking for that. Your coworker doesn't understand how you guys communicate. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

19 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hey guys, an issue arose with my hubs today and I want to know if I handled correctly.  I am wondering if I am too flexible and easy going and that this may not be a good thing and that people might take advantage. I am not pretending to be flexible and easy going, there are some things that truly do not bother me like they would some people.

Anyway, my hubs and I talked about meeting downtown and having lunch together today.  He sent me an email at around 10:30 am suggesting 12:30 pm.  It was not a confirmation just a suggestion and I replied saying that sounded good.  He then replied saying he would text me before he left work and we would meet at the restaurant which we had not even decided on yet.  In my mind, it was still very open-ended.

He didn’t message me until 12:50 pm and this is what he said:

“Sorry babe gotta reschedule lunch, a new customer came in and I am still meeting with him.”

Now honestly and truly this did not bother me.  I am at work, keeping busy, I was not sitting around waiting for the call and when he didn’t call at 12:30, I figured something came up, he got delayed or something, which is exactly what happened!

My co-worker and friend asked what happened, why I didn’t meet my hubs and I told her what happened and she responded saying that I should be furious!!

She said he totally disrespected me and my time and that I should NOT allow him to get away with such crap behavior!

She was angrier than I was, in fact I wasn’t even angry.

But should I have been?  Should I have felt disrespected?  Should I say something to him, tell him his behavior was unacceptable and that he should have cut short the meeting with his new client to meet with me as discussed?

I dunno, in my mind it wasn’t confirmed, the time was a suggestion and he said he would call me before he left.

Worthy of note, my hubs is very reliable, he always keeps his commitments and very respectful of me.

But my co-worker friend has now got me questioning my own reactions.  She thinks I am too “nice” and easy-going and that I should be more of a “bytch.”

And that my “niceness” sets up a dynamic wherein he will begin taking me for granted, etc.

What do y’all think? 

Thank you! 

 

You understand each other. You understand his job and #$&@ happens.  
 

this was an idea that did not get confirmed in meet at location X at time y.

 

 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Now she, as a single woman who struggles in dating, gets blown off, ghosted, etc had a completely different reaction.

Had it been her, she would have taken it personally, took offense to it, maybe assumed the guy didn't like her or care and perhaps thought he was using work as an excuse to bail and had received a better, more attractive offer. 

I can't help but wonder if the reason she struggles with dating is because of her unforgiving attitude.  Sure, the attitude could have developed after a few bad experiences, but it sounds like she's at the point where she's so reactive that relationships simply aren't sustainable for her anymore. 

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Now she, as a single woman who struggles in dating, gets blown off, ghosted, etc had a completely different reaction.

Had it been her, she would have taken it personally, took offense to it, maybe assumed the guy didn't like her or care and perhaps thought he was using work as an excuse to bail and had received a better, more attractive offer. 

I mean isn't that fairly typical when one feels insecure, anxious and uncertain about how their boyfriend/girlfriend or date feels about them?

My guess is that you've been working with this colleague for a while? And you mentioned that you're both friends?

If yes, then you're familiar with how she operates. No?

Her reactions don't appeal to you. Understandable.

A former colleague of mine is one of my best female friends. Our friendship dates back over 20 years, and we're more like sisters. It is unlikely that she would say anything like this to me, but if she did, I would take issue with it.

Especially if a co-worker friend makes disrespectful comments about your husband and hasn't met him. Someone who meddles is not a friend at all. Then it is time to reassess your relationship with her.

[Bluebell72]

I think what is key here is what works for you and how you feel. You said that did not feel angry. You said that it was not even a confirmed thing. You have to trust yourself and your gut. I think that's what you did and that's awesome. If someone else comes along and is critical and tries to tell you how you should be feeling, then that's no good. Trust your instincts and don't start to doubt yourself. If on the other hand there was a situation where your husband was late on a regular basis to definite arranged lunches and that made you a bit frustrated, then it would be totally fine to talk to him about it and work out a solution. 

[poppyfields]

18 hours ago, basil67 said:

I can't help but wonder if the reason she struggles with dating is because of her unforgiving attitude.  Sure, the attitude could have developed after a few bad experiences, but it sounds like she's at the point where she's so reactive that relationships simply aren't sustainable for her anymore. 

I think it's both.  

People often ask -  which came first, the chicken or the egg?  

Meaning, does her unforgiving attitude cause her negative experiences?

On rather, have all her negative experiences caused her to become unforgiving? 

I think it's both, not one or the other. 

I also think, in part, it was my bad for pulling her into this by saying (again in a playful jokey way) that hubs had blown me off.

That sounded like a negative right there, even though it didn't bother me for reasons already mentioned.

So I take responsibility for that and going forward will keep my mouth shut about him and our marriage. 

Both good and bad, even though thus far, nothing much bad but might be interpreted that way.

@Alpacaliashe's a new friend, a friend from work.

Our natures are very different but we get along well, and I find her to be fun, intelligent and introspective, so there's a lot of good there. 

I will simply use more discretion re what I choose to tell her.  

Thanks again guys!  

 

Edited September 25, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lauriebell82]

I stopped taking advice from my friends because its not usually what I would do and they are not dating my boyfriend, I am! What bothers them may not bother me and vice versa. If you are super flexible and dont care about rescheduling then go with that! Who cares what your friend thinks you should do. She isnt the one married to your husband. 

Edited September 27, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[Alpacalia]

On 9/25/2022 at 9:45 AM, poppyfields said:

@Alpacaliashe's a new friend, a friend from work.

Our natures are very different but we get along well, and I find her to be fun, intelligent and introspective, so there's a lot of good there. 

I will simply use more discretion re what I choose to tell her.  

Thanks again guys!  

At first glance, it appeared that you knew this person for quite some time, given your posts and description of her. 

The initial thought I had was that this was someone you knew and had worked with and known for a while. If my best friend said something like that to me, I would certainly be surprised by her response.

I think it's a good idea to not share certain information with her in the future. 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

At first glance, it appeared that you knew this person for quite some time, given your posts and description of her. 

The initial thought I had was that this was someone you knew and had worked with and known for a while. If my best friend said something like that to me, I would certainly be surprised by her response.

I think it's a good idea to not share certain information with her in the future. 

Thanks @Alpacalia. 

My only description of her was "co-worker and friend" but no worries we all interpret posts in different ways; it's the nature of the beast when it comes to the written word. 

I have been at this job for around a year and she began a few months ago but it's a small office everyone is quite close despite not knowing each other that long. 

Anyway, we've moved on from that and I've been keeping quiet about hubs, so it's all good, thanks! 😂