Boyfriend wants to sleep in separate rooms

[BaileyB]

^^^ There is nothing to say that you can’t sell whatever home you buy and get something together when he is ready - two years, five years, ten years down the road… no decision is forever. You need to do what’s right for your children, they are your first priority. He is a parent, he should understand that. There will always be time for your relationship - right now, the focus should be on what’s best for your children. 

[SM78]

On 12/16/2022 at 7:06 PM, Gaeta said:

Has he dated other women before meeting you?

Not much. He was only single for a year before we met. He didn't date for the first 9 months after his separation. He said he didn't feel ready, and felt he should figure things out for himself a bit before starting a new life with someone else. He wasn't interested in casual dating, he wanted to find a new life partner once he was ready. He had only been dated for a few months when we met.

[SM78]

On 12/17/2022 at 3:51 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You're relationship, especially as single parents and particularly so soon after the demise of his marriage, is moving along fine.

He is wisely taking his time, adjusting to single parenthood and putting his children's needs first.

There's no need to play house yet. Try to build a more solid relationship first and spend time together.

I agree. We have a great relationship. We are able to communicate really well which is something I never had with my ex husband. He would get upset and stonewall and then I would give into what he wanted just so he would talk to me again! My BF doesn't do that. He very respectfully listens to my concerns and acknowledges my feelings. But he won't compromise if things don't work for him. He's very clear with his boundaries. I realize that's something I'm myself not so great at because I was never allowed to have boundaries with my ex!

[SM78]

On 12/17/2022 at 12:46 PM, Lauriebell82 said:

This sounds very much like my situation. I am also divorced (for 6 years), as is my boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years and do not live together (mostly because of being in different school districts and both having kids and also my alimony clause of 5 years, but now that has ended). We have talked about the next steps and he's made it clear he is still fearful of progressing the relationship forward. We have been having these conversations since year 2 (similar to you) and his perspective has not changed. But the reason I have stayed in the relationship is mainly because my perspective has changed! I bought a beautiful house, became financially stable, and generally enjoy being a single person but still having a relationship. I'm not actually sure I want a live in partner or a husband again. So I actually do see the benefit of how he feels, despite the fact that's not what I had originally wanted going into the relationship or when I got divorced. 

But in your situation, I would REALLY consider if this is what you want. You could end up years from now still in the same situation (just like myself) where he is still saying the same things to you. But not everyone is like me. Divorced men either want to remarry or they can be totally terrified of it. Can you accept this situation as it is and remain in a relationship with this man even if it never changes? Or do you need more out of a relationship then you are getting. There is no right or wrong answer, it's honestly what you feel is right for YOU.

That is such an interesting story. Thanks for sharing! And thanks for the question! First thought that comes to mind is that I want to be in this relationship with him no matter what he decides although I do have a clear preference for moving in together at some point. A big part of his custody battle was that his ex wanted to relocate. His lawyer thought her arguments weren't amazing, but perhaps good enough to convince a judge. She gave it a 20% chance that the ex would win relocation. So, it's not something that was a huge worry for us, but we did have some discussions around it, about him potentially relocating with her if she won, and whether we would try to figure out the long distance thing (we agreed that we would give it a try). In that sense, I would say that we are both very committed to making this work even if the situation is perhaps no ideal. I would definitely not break up over him not wanting to move in with me, not specifically in any case. By that I mean that the situation (if I'm continuously unhappy about the situation) might cause tension in our relationship which might have an negative outcome.

I don't think that he's terrified of the commitment, or remarrying. He has brought up the topic of us eventually getting married very often, which is honestly a bit confusing in the current context! I think that he is very confused and doesn't really know what he wants and it's exhausting and impossible to plan around!

[SM78]

On 12/17/2022 at 6:02 PM, poppyfields said:

You are sharing a life together.  You're not living together but you're still sharing your lives.

You spend entire weekends together and are spending the holidays with friends and families.  You're children get on well together as well.  You're able to communicate and resolve conflicts. 

I fail to understand why you don't believe this is sharing your lives?

I understand that you enjoy the day-to-day and want to buy a house and live together. 

And after two years, that is certainly reasonable.

However, unfortunately HE isn't there yet which is also reasonable.

It's important you respect that and stop attempting to force it by continuing to discuss. All that will accomplish is pushing him away.   

It's rather obvious at this point he is already feeling pushed and pressured, hence his response that he needs more time. 

It may not be your intention to pressure, but by continuing to bring it up, that's what you're doing and how HE is feeling. 

If you envision your relationship being long term and eventually living together, try enjoying each day as it comes and cherishing what you currently DO have together. 

Which frankly sounds beautiful imo, more than many people have or able to find. 

 

 

 

You are right. We have an amazing relationship. He's amazing. His kids are amazing. Everyone get along (he even gets along splendidly with my weird and difficult family. They cannot stop singing his praise. They all want to marry him!! My mom the first! (she HATED my ex husband).

[SM78]

On 12/20/2022 at 11:50 AM, Lauriebell82 said:

I think it probably is hard to understand if you have not had a traumatic marriage/divorce and properly healed from that. It's even harder when having to continually coparent with this toxic ex spouse who continually does crazy stuff. It makes progressing a new relationship very daunting/confusing/scary. 

That being said, I agree the OP should base her decision making on what she feels is in her best interest. I know for myself my relationship works best if I make my own plans for me and my kids (and my boyfriend does the same) and we both continue to fit each other into those plans. I had to do was become more comfortable living in the "unknown" if you will, because there is no hard and fast plan for what is to happen with our relationship. That has been an extreme challenge for me given I like to have a plan for my life. But what has helped is to have faith that my boyfriend will continue to fit into whatever plan I have for myself. And that's what will make our relationship work! 

My BF is also dealing with a very difficult coparenting situation. His ex is so so toxic. The messages she sends him sometimes are extremely nasty! I get the stress of it. I see him tense up every time he sees that she sent him another message!

I am also a planner, and it's been extremely hard not planning, not thinking about the future, just being in the "now". Also, it's hard for him to fit within my plans given the court order and the difficult ex. (part of their agreement is that their schedule changes with the kids' activities. They are both in competitive sports). So, I feel like I always have to adapt to his plans, and if I can't then we sometimes go a big stretch of opposite schedules until I can figure it out with my ex. So that's been difficult on me. I've been having to do a lot of compromising.

[S2B]

On 12/16/2022 at 12:56 PM, SM78 said:

I'm not in a hurry to move forward. I just want to know that we will move forward eventually, and by that I don't mean when all the kids are grown up in 13 years. Also, my current living situation is getting tight. I had made the choice of a 2-bedroom apartment with two kids when I first separated, but my kids are getting way too old to share a bedroom, and we overall are lacking space since years. It was only supposed to be temporary, and before I met my BF, I was actually house shopping and wanted to buy a 3-bedroom house in the neighbourhood. Then when I met him, I decided to wait and see where things will go, and not rush into buying a house that I might want to sell again in a few years. I guess I feel like I've put my life on hold for him. I do realize that he has never asked me to do that, and that he has no obligation to meet my expectations.

Stop waiting for his next move. Buy a house  if that’s what you want.

he will adjust or he won’t.

don’t make decisions based on any man.

he just got out of his last marriage! He may not be ready for more changes for years.

do not have him move in with you. You need these years with just you and your kids (time at home) while they are young.

you have plenty of time later to plan more secure things with him.

i’m not sure why you have the need to pin him down? Let the guy breathe a bit.

Edited December 21, 2022 by S2B

[FMW]

He doesn't get to make choices for your life.  Too bad if he doesn't like the idea of you buying a place.  It's selfish and unreasonable for him to expect you to just wait quietly and patiently for him to decide when he's ready.  You can continue as you are, but with you and your children in a more stable situation.

[stillafool]

I agree with the above^^^^.  2 years goes by in a flash and he may not be ready by then either.  Has he put an engagement ring on your finger?  If not, move forward with your plans.  As someone else said you can always sell the home if he still wants to by then.

[NuevoYorko]

The problem with the recent installment is that he found out from the kids that you were inquiring about a house.  It would have been preferable if you'd broached this with him.  It's a serious topic if you are ready to start making moves in that direction.   

It's important for your relationship that your bf doesn't feel like your steps towards moving are in any way efforts to manipulate him to do what you'd like.  Be sure within yourself that this is not the case as well.  If YOU are really ready to get out of the apartment with your kids and buy a house, you truly should not be putting that on hold pending him being ready, potentially, in 2 years.  

For the record, I don't think it's wrong at all for your bf to hesitate like he is about merging your lives more at this time.  It makes sense to me that he is still very embroiled with his ex and all of that.  The timing is not right for him, really.

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, SM78 said:

. He said "why can't you wait for me? I just got over my custody battle and adjusting to a new schedule with my kids. I need some time to just live and not worry and plan for a while"

Unfortunately, this sounds like guilt tripping. Quite the victim-like manipulation. He needs to participate in the relationship, not be a passenger. He's not doing anything for your relationship.

You're under no obligation to hurry up and wait for anyone. Especially someone who doesn't have his act together and isn't on the same page as you are.

Your children need stability and must come first. His chaos and conflicts with his ex are stress you and your children don't need.

He may be a nice and fun person, but you don't know each other that well and so far he's manufacturing a lot of  turbulence allowing his divorce and custody wars with his ex to upend the peace and stability your children deserve.

Put your family first. Step away from this. The more you push, the more he'll retreat. Focus solely on yourself and your children. Don't hold his hand through his divorce/custody issues.

Sadly he seems like he's in the classic rebound relationship where he's "not ready" . Be careful not to invest too much into him. Like many rebounders, he may discard the bandaid (you) when he's sorted out.

 

Edited December 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

11 hours ago, SM78 said:

That is such an interesting story. Thanks for sharing! And thanks for the question! First thought that comes to mind is that I want to be in this relationship with him no matter what he decides although I do have a clear preference for moving in together at some point. A big part of his custody battle was that his ex wanted to relocate. His lawyer thought her arguments weren't amazing, but perhaps good enough to convince a judge. She gave it a 20% chance that the ex would win relocation. So, it's not something that was a huge worry for us, but we did have some discussions around it, about him potentially relocating with her if she won, and whether we would try to figure out the long distance thing (we agreed that we would give it a try). In that sense, I would say that we are both very committed to making this work even if the situation is perhaps no ideal. I would definitely not break up over him not wanting to move in with me, not specifically in any case. By that I mean that the situation (if I'm continuously unhappy about the situation) might cause tension in our relationship which might have an negative outcome.

I don't think that he's terrified of the commitment, or remarrying. He has brought up the topic of us eventually getting married very often, which is honestly a bit confusing in the current context! I think that he is very confused and doesn't really know what he wants and it's exhausting and impossible to plan around!

Since you’ve decided you want to be with him enjoy the relationship for what it is and do what’s best for your family. There’s really no reason for him to be sad or upset about you buying a place for your family. He’s made his decision which is fair - 2 years - so you both can check in on the topic again then. 

I’d detach completely from his ex issues and custody problems. Given his situation it’s probably best that you both continue to live apart until that is settled and he’s more confident about custody and coparenting. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He needs to participate in the relationship, not be a passenger.

That the problem here though. He can’t participate, because he got himself into a serious relationship before he was ready. He can participate (they can date), but he can’t participate in the way that she wants because it’s too soon for him.

As it relates to the progression of this relationship, these two individuals are incompatible. While they may agree on the end goal, they don’t agree on the timeline and “how” they are going to get there. So, somebody needs to compromise - based on his statement, it looks like they both need to compromise. She needs to accept that he is not going to live with her anytime soon. And, he needs to understand  that she is going to do what is best for her children, while still dating the man and respecting the boundaries that he has set. 

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, SM78 said:

My BF is also dealing with a very difficult coparenting situation. His ex is so so toxic. The messages she sends him sometimes are extremely nasty! I get the stress of it. I see him tense up every time he sees that she sent him another message!

I am also a planner, and it's been extremely hard not planning, not thinking about the future, just being in the "now". Also, it's hard for him to fit within my plans given the court order and the difficult ex. (part of their agreement is that their schedule changes with the kids' activities. They are both in competitive sports). So, I feel like I always have to adapt to his plans, and if I can't then we sometimes go a big stretch of opposite schedules until I can figure it out with my ex. So that's been difficult on me. I've been having to do a lot of compromising.

I agree with Glows to not get involved with what's going on with him and his ex.  The fact that you have to do all the compromising is not his ex's fault but his.  People make priorities for those they want to.  You also have kids.  He obviously is not bothered about the long stretches of opposite schedules or he'd figure it out if you were more important to him.

[introverted1]

OP, if you buy a house, will your bf have to move?  IIRC, you own the building you currently live and, and offered the upstairs apartment to your BF and his kids. If you move out, what happens to his rental arrangement? 

[SM78]

31 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

OP, if you buy a house, will your bf have to move?  IIRC, you own the building you currently live and, and offered the upstairs apartment to your BF and his kids. If you move out, what happens to his rental arrangement? 

I am living in a rental building of 6 apartments. I don't owe the building. My ex bought me out of the house we were living in together and I rented an apartment. By BF moved into the same building when there was a vacancy, so no that wouldn't affect his situation.

[SM78]

Thank you everyone for your comments. It's been very useful. I guess I have some thinking to do!

Part of my hesitancy of buying something that might potentially just be for 2 years is that moving is expensive! Not just the actual move, but paying the "welcome tax" when buying a new place. So, moving including the welcome tax would probably cost me 10k. Not something I really want to do again in two years time.

On the other hand, the two-bedroom situation, also me working from home on my kitchen table, no backyard or outside space with small children. I don't want that to be my long term situation.

I'm thinking perhaps just casually looking at houses. If the perfect house comes up -perhaps one where my BF could eventually move into with his kids when the time comes but that I can afford on my own in the meantime OR something that is good enough but a really great price an location - then I could make a move on it.

[S2B]

21 minutes ago, SM78 said:

Thank you everyone for your comments. It's been very useful. I guess I have some thinking to do!

Part of my hesitancy of buying something that might potentially just be for 2 years is that moving is expensive! Not just the actual move, but paying the "welcome tax" when buying a new place. So, moving including the welcome tax would probably cost me 10k. Not something I really want to do again in two years time.

On the other hand, the two-bedroom situation, also me working from home on my kitchen table, no backyard or outside space with small children. I don't want that to be my long term situation.

I'm thinking perhaps just casually looking at houses. If the perfect house comes up -perhaps one where my BF could eventually move into with his kids when the time comes but that I can afford on my own in the meantime OR something that is good enough but a really great price an location - then I could make a move on it.

If you own a home and he lives with you - does he pay you half the mortgage?

 

[SM78]

31 minutes ago, S2B said:

If you own a home and he lives with you - does he pay you half the mortgage?

 

I'm not sure that I understand your question? Are you asking that if I buy a house that he could eventually move into, if he would pay half the mortgage on top of the rent of his apartment? I don't think that would be a realistic expectation. I wouldn't buy anything that I can't afford. I guess it's unlikely I would find something that would be big enough for all of us and that I could afford on my own until or if he chooses to move in. But who knows! Perhaps I could find something that is a good price because it's in desperate need of renovations, and I could live in it "as is" until he makes up his mind, and then renovate if he moves in and we share the expenses.

[FMW]

You are considering him in your future plans for where to live.  He's not even ready to talk about it  Effectively, you're putting your life (and your children's) on hold for him and hoping/expecting that he will decide he's ready to live together.  I wouldn't recommend that unless you are able to be satisfied with how things are right now, indefinitely.  It doesn't sound like that's likely.  

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, SM78 said:

I'm not sure that I understand your question?

Doesn't you bf live in the building you own?  Aren't you his landlady?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, SM78 said:

If the perfect house comes up -perhaps one where my BF could eventually move into with his kids when the time comes but that I can afford on my own in the meantime OR something that is good enough but a really great price an location - then I could make a move on it.

I wouldn't make this move until you are sure you and your current bf will be together in 2 years or you may end up with a house with too much space once your kids grow up and move out.  Besides if you do move into a house you both chose together in 2 years he will pay half of the moving expenses.  Let him do some of the work instead of you trying to put it all together.  Let him be the man.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, SM78 said:

But who knows! Perhaps I could find something that is a good price because it's in desperate need of renovations, and I could live in it "as is" until he makes up his mind, and then renovate if he moves in and we share the expenses.

That would be a bad idea.   Isn't the whole point here that the bf is not ready to make a solid future commitment and doesn't think he will be for two more years?

Don't do something that will depend upon his participation.  Don't move yourself and kids into a house that is "in desperate need of renovations,"  dependent upon his future participation, for heaven's sake.

Do you understand how telling this man "I want to buy this house that I can afford which is in desperate need of renovations.  I will live there with my two kids for TWO YEARS awaiting your arrival to help me make it habitable for our combined family" would be just an avalanche of exactly the pressure  he's clearly told you he cannot have at this time?  

You don't seem to have boundaries in place.  If YOU decide it's time for YOU AND YOUR KIDS to move to a house, and financially it's a good idea for YOU AND YOUR KIDS for you to become a homeowner soon,  you will need to communicate this to your bf WITHOUT any stuff about how you will be living in a decrepit home until he's ready to join you and make it habitable.

I don't intend to pander to him and say that it has to be "HIS way."  But his life does have to be his way.  As others have already written, the two of you have a serious incompatibility with your timelines.  You seem determined to stick it out, which I can respect, but you need to do the boundary thing unless you want to drive him off.  He has been clear with you.   You are in the position to either accept him where he's at, or say goodbye. 

[S2B]

Have you asked him to do some professional counseling? He may or may not do it.

but he may have a bad residual feeling about women/marriage/commitment based off his recent history with his ex wife.

until he works through those I’ll feelings - I wouldn’t even see him. I know that seems extreme - but he really isn’t in a good emotional/mental place to make a relationship happy/committed to you based on the baggage he’s held onto.  And that you do FOR YOURSELF knowing you deserve better than too handle all his baggage from the prior marriage.

have a boundary that requires he bring HIS best self to this relationship - not all his leftover crappy feelings from the marriage that just ended.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, SM78 said:

 I could live in it "as is" until he makes up his mind, and then renovate if he moves in and we share the expenses.

At the risk of sounding trite, this may be a classic case of "don't count your chickens before they're hatched". 

Meaning try not to figure him into the equation whether on a contingency basis or by waiting.

You're unfortunately allowing his fickleness to be the rate limiting factor in your life and that's never a good idea.

Keep in mind, this has all the signs of someone keeping his options open, while enjoying some handholding along the way. 

Edited December 22, 2022 by Wiseman2