Boyfriend wants to sleep in separate rooms

[FMW]

He doesn't get to make choices for your life.  Too bad if he doesn't like the idea of you buying a place.  It's selfish and unreasonable for him to expect you to just wait quietly and patiently for him to decide when he's ready.  You can continue as you are, but with you and your children in a more stable situation.

[stillafool]

I agree with the above^^^^.  2 years goes by in a flash and he may not be ready by then either.  Has he put an engagement ring on your finger?  If not, move forward with your plans.  As someone else said you can always sell the home if he still wants to by then.

[NuevoYorko]

The problem with the recent installment is that he found out from the kids that you were inquiring about a house.  It would have been preferable if you'd broached this with him.  It's a serious topic if you are ready to start making moves in that direction.   

It's important for your relationship that your bf doesn't feel like your steps towards moving are in any way efforts to manipulate him to do what you'd like.  Be sure within yourself that this is not the case as well.  If YOU are really ready to get out of the apartment with your kids and buy a house, you truly should not be putting that on hold pending him being ready, potentially, in 2 years.  

For the record, I don't think it's wrong at all for your bf to hesitate like he is about merging your lives more at this time.  It makes sense to me that he is still very embroiled with his ex and all of that.  The timing is not right for him, really.

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, SM78 said:

. He said "why can't you wait for me? I just got over my custody battle and adjusting to a new schedule with my kids. I need some time to just live and not worry and plan for a while"

Unfortunately, this sounds like guilt tripping. Quite the victim-like manipulation. He needs to participate in the relationship, not be a passenger. He's not doing anything for your relationship.

You're under no obligation to hurry up and wait for anyone. Especially someone who doesn't have his act together and isn't on the same page as you are.

Your children need stability and must come first. His chaos and conflicts with his ex are stress you and your children don't need.

He may be a nice and fun person, but you don't know each other that well and so far he's manufacturing a lot of  turbulence allowing his divorce and custody wars with his ex to upend the peace and stability your children deserve.

Put your family first. Step away from this. The more you push, the more he'll retreat. Focus solely on yourself and your children. Don't hold his hand through his divorce/custody issues.

Sadly he seems like he's in the classic rebound relationship where he's "not ready" . Be careful not to invest too much into him. Like many rebounders, he may discard the bandaid (you) when he's sorted out.

 

Edited December 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

11 hours ago, SM78 said:

That is such an interesting story. Thanks for sharing! And thanks for the question! First thought that comes to mind is that I want to be in this relationship with him no matter what he decides although I do have a clear preference for moving in together at some point. A big part of his custody battle was that his ex wanted to relocate. His lawyer thought her arguments weren't amazing, but perhaps good enough to convince a judge. She gave it a 20% chance that the ex would win relocation. So, it's not something that was a huge worry for us, but we did have some discussions around it, about him potentially relocating with her if she won, and whether we would try to figure out the long distance thing (we agreed that we would give it a try). In that sense, I would say that we are both very committed to making this work even if the situation is perhaps no ideal. I would definitely not break up over him not wanting to move in with me, not specifically in any case. By that I mean that the situation (if I'm continuously unhappy about the situation) might cause tension in our relationship which might have an negative outcome.

I don't think that he's terrified of the commitment, or remarrying. He has brought up the topic of us eventually getting married very often, which is honestly a bit confusing in the current context! I think that he is very confused and doesn't really know what he wants and it's exhausting and impossible to plan around!

Since you’ve decided you want to be with him enjoy the relationship for what it is and do what’s best for your family. There’s really no reason for him to be sad or upset about you buying a place for your family. He’s made his decision which is fair - 2 years - so you both can check in on the topic again then. 

I’d detach completely from his ex issues and custody problems. Given his situation it’s probably best that you both continue to live apart until that is settled and he’s more confident about custody and coparenting. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He needs to participate in the relationship, not be a passenger.

That the problem here though. He can’t participate, because he got himself into a serious relationship before he was ready. He can participate (they can date), but he can’t participate in the way that she wants because it’s too soon for him.

As it relates to the progression of this relationship, these two individuals are incompatible. While they may agree on the end goal, they don’t agree on the timeline and “how” they are going to get there. So, somebody needs to compromise - based on his statement, it looks like they both need to compromise. She needs to accept that he is not going to live with her anytime soon. And, he needs to understand  that she is going to do what is best for her children, while still dating the man and respecting the boundaries that he has set. 

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, SM78 said:

My BF is also dealing with a very difficult coparenting situation. His ex is so so toxic. The messages she sends him sometimes are extremely nasty! I get the stress of it. I see him tense up every time he sees that she sent him another message!

I am also a planner, and it's been extremely hard not planning, not thinking about the future, just being in the "now". Also, it's hard for him to fit within my plans given the court order and the difficult ex. (part of their agreement is that their schedule changes with the kids' activities. They are both in competitive sports). So, I feel like I always have to adapt to his plans, and if I can't then we sometimes go a big stretch of opposite schedules until I can figure it out with my ex. So that's been difficult on me. I've been having to do a lot of compromising.

I agree with Glows to not get involved with what's going on with him and his ex.  The fact that you have to do all the compromising is not his ex's fault but his.  People make priorities for those they want to.  You also have kids.  He obviously is not bothered about the long stretches of opposite schedules or he'd figure it out if you were more important to him.

[introverted1]

OP, if you buy a house, will your bf have to move?  IIRC, you own the building you currently live and, and offered the upstairs apartment to your BF and his kids. If you move out, what happens to his rental arrangement? 

[SM78]

31 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

OP, if you buy a house, will your bf have to move?  IIRC, you own the building you currently live and, and offered the upstairs apartment to your BF and his kids. If you move out, what happens to his rental arrangement? 

I am living in a rental building of 6 apartments. I don't owe the building. My ex bought me out of the house we were living in together and I rented an apartment. By BF moved into the same building when there was a vacancy, so no that wouldn't affect his situation.

[SM78]

Thank you everyone for your comments. It's been very useful. I guess I have some thinking to do!

Part of my hesitancy of buying something that might potentially just be for 2 years is that moving is expensive! Not just the actual move, but paying the "welcome tax" when buying a new place. So, moving including the welcome tax would probably cost me 10k. Not something I really want to do again in two years time.

On the other hand, the two-bedroom situation, also me working from home on my kitchen table, no backyard or outside space with small children. I don't want that to be my long term situation.

I'm thinking perhaps just casually looking at houses. If the perfect house comes up -perhaps one where my BF could eventually move into with his kids when the time comes but that I can afford on my own in the meantime OR something that is good enough but a really great price an location - then I could make a move on it.

[SM78]

31 minutes ago, S2B said:

If you own a home and he lives with you - does he pay you half the mortgage?

 

I'm not sure that I understand your question? Are you asking that if I buy a house that he could eventually move into, if he would pay half the mortgage on top of the rent of his apartment? I don't think that would be a realistic expectation. I wouldn't buy anything that I can't afford. I guess it's unlikely I would find something that would be big enough for all of us and that I could afford on my own until or if he chooses to move in. But who knows! Perhaps I could find something that is a good price because it's in desperate need of renovations, and I could live in it "as is" until he makes up his mind, and then renovate if he moves in and we share the expenses.

[FMW]

You are considering him in your future plans for where to live.  He's not even ready to talk about it  Effectively, you're putting your life (and your children's) on hold for him and hoping/expecting that he will decide he's ready to live together.  I wouldn't recommend that unless you are able to be satisfied with how things are right now, indefinitely.  It doesn't sound like that's likely.  

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, SM78 said:

I'm not sure that I understand your question?

Doesn't you bf live in the building you own?  Aren't you his landlady?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, SM78 said:

If the perfect house comes up -perhaps one where my BF could eventually move into with his kids when the time comes but that I can afford on my own in the meantime OR something that is good enough but a really great price an location - then I could make a move on it.

I wouldn't make this move until you are sure you and your current bf will be together in 2 years or you may end up with a house with too much space once your kids grow up and move out.  Besides if you do move into a house you both chose together in 2 years he will pay half of the moving expenses.  Let him do some of the work instead of you trying to put it all together.  Let him be the man.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, SM78 said:

But who knows! Perhaps I could find something that is a good price because it's in desperate need of renovations, and I could live in it "as is" until he makes up his mind, and then renovate if he moves in and we share the expenses.

That would be a bad idea.   Isn't the whole point here that the bf is not ready to make a solid future commitment and doesn't think he will be for two more years?

Don't do something that will depend upon his participation.  Don't move yourself and kids into a house that is "in desperate need of renovations,"  dependent upon his future participation, for heaven's sake.

Do you understand how telling this man "I want to buy this house that I can afford which is in desperate need of renovations.  I will live there with my two kids for TWO YEARS awaiting your arrival to help me make it habitable for our combined family" would be just an avalanche of exactly the pressure  he's clearly told you he cannot have at this time?  

You don't seem to have boundaries in place.  If YOU decide it's time for YOU AND YOUR KIDS to move to a house, and financially it's a good idea for YOU AND YOUR KIDS for you to become a homeowner soon,  you will need to communicate this to your bf WITHOUT any stuff about how you will be living in a decrepit home until he's ready to join you and make it habitable.

I don't intend to pander to him and say that it has to be "HIS way."  But his life does have to be his way.  As others have already written, the two of you have a serious incompatibility with your timelines.  You seem determined to stick it out, which I can respect, but you need to do the boundary thing unless you want to drive him off.  He has been clear with you.   You are in the position to either accept him where he's at, or say goodbye. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, SM78 said:

 I could live in it "as is" until he makes up his mind, and then renovate if he moves in and we share the expenses.

At the risk of sounding trite, this may be a classic case of "don't count your chickens before they're hatched". 

Meaning try not to figure him into the equation whether on a contingency basis or by waiting.

You're unfortunately allowing his fickleness to be the rate limiting factor in your life and that's never a good idea.

Keep in mind, this has all the signs of someone keeping his options open, while enjoying some handholding along the way. 

Edited December 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

 

[ ]  I think the real key is for [you] to be honest with themselves, fully.  The poster @Lauriebell82 seems to have got it right - if [you} had it her way, [your] relationship would probably look different, but it's worth it to her to change her paradigm for how her relationship is going to look in order to have her boyfriend in her life.

The key is FULL ACCEPTANCE.  You'd need to be very able to live and love in the moment without a certain level of demonstrated commitment.  Not easy to do and not many people really can do it.  

Simply put:  If this is as good as it gets, are you good with staying in?   If his inability to make commitments that you want leads to him ultimately moving on from your relationship, will it have been worth it to spend this time of your life with him?  If the answers are not YES then you probably cannot really do this and are likely to drive him away.

I can't help but think that there are other parts of the story that you have not shared which illustrate some persistence on your part about the future planning; he's obviously already frustrated and pressured.   Take my word for this:  You REALLY don't want to drive him away. That would be devastating for you.  Better to break up on purpose, if you can't settle with some comfort into the uncertainty of your future with this man.

 

Edited December 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
not addressing OP

[Lisa]

@MomInHer40s and @SM78 are the same poster

[NuevoYorko]

OP, are you going to return now that we have more parts of your story?

Do you own the place where you live now, or not.  It makes a difference.

 

[introverted1]

10 hours ago, SM78 said:

I am living in a rental building of 6 apartments. I don't owe the building. My ex bought me out of the house we were living in together and I rented an apartment. By BF moved into the same building when there was a vacancy, so no that wouldn't affect his situation.

In your OP, you said:

On 9/23/2022 at 4:32 PM, MomInHer40s said:

I own a duplex and he's moved into the upper unit.

 So it does seem that he'd be financially impacted if you decide to move, unless you plan to retain the duplex as an income-producing property.

[glows]

11 hours ago, SM78 said:

I'm thinking perhaps just casually looking at houses. If the perfect house comes up -perhaps one where my BF could eventually move into with his kids when the time comes but that I can afford on my own in the meantime OR something that is good enough but a really great price an location - then I could make a move on it.

Agree. Just decide on something for your kids and yourself if you feel you’re very cramped. Let’s also not rule out a larger rental. 

Regarding moving costs and finances if he really wants that life with you and to buy a bigger place and accommodate all your kids down the line then he’ll have to make some sacrifices too and contribute to those costs. 

The priority is you, your family and more space. 

His ex, his custody problems, the family issues, his sadness are completely separate from what goes on right now between you and your kids and your home. 

 

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Lisa said:

@MomInHer40s and @SM78 are the same poster

Thank you Lisa.  I thought so.  So you are his landlady and he's living in your upstairs unit.  Or that's what you said in your earlier thread so I don't know why you put the confused  emogi by my question.  You were concerned that he wouldn't sleep downstairs with you after he moved in.  No don't wait to make your next move waiting on this guy.  Most people who go through difficult divorces do not end up with the next person they date after they divorce.  It's normally someone they meet after they've healed and dated around a bit.  He may have said "2 years" but it's doubtful that's going to happen knowing your history with him.

Edited December 23, 2022 by stillafool

[NuevoYorko]

Well ... there are more issues in this relationship than revealed under the latest sock.  If the first version is the truth, he's already squirming under the pressure of being in a relationship with his landlady, living upstairs from her kind of like they live together, but not (all managed by her) and he doesn't want to sleep with her in her apartment because her kids disrupt his rest.  

He is not getting the space he'd really need to prepare for a new marriage under these conditions.  Any time he actually needs personal space, it is tantamount to rejecting her - because he lives upstairs.  If she moves out - after getting him moved into her apartment building (whether she owns it or not) that's a big, heavily laden step.   He'd feel quite manipulated and jerked around.  I would.  But she's in her rights to do it, absolutely.

They are unlikely to make it because they are not at the same stages in their lives but mostly because she won't stop pushing and he isn't standing his ground.   He'll have no choice but to leave, or to "give in" at some point and be resentful over that.  

The real question though:  Will the OP return?

Edited December 23, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Acacia98]

On 12/22/2022 at 8:41 AM, SM78 said:

But the kids mentioned this to my BF over the weekend, and he was very upset. Not like yelling upset, but super sad upset. He said "why can't you wait for me? I just got over my custody battle and adjusting to a new schedule with my kids. I need some time to just live and not worry and plan for a while". I do see his point, but when I pressed him to give me more details of what amount of waiting is required of me, he said "two years?". My eldest will be in high school by then. He's not gonna want to share a room with his sister at that age!

Sorry, but from my perspective, this is cake-eating behavior on his part. He wants you to give him time to figure himself out (which is perfectly fair) but simultaneously expects you and your kids to put aspects of your life on hold for him (which is not remotely fair). You have no idea how he will feel after 2 years. He has no idea either. Regardless of what he says about feeling sure about you but just needing time, you would be wise to allow him space to change his mind about being in the relationship down the road. You would be wise to give yourself space to do that too. Don't lock yourself in a this-relationship-must-last-forever box. You still don't know if it's going to work (this is me being realistic because I have no attachment to a specific outcome). So plan your life and your children's lives accordingly. Communicate with him. But if he feels sad, that's just part of the package: when you get into a relationship before you are ready to, to you are setting yourself up for a measure of sadness/frustration.

[ ] 

Edited December 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address OP

[Gaeta]

OP, you said your ex bought you out, does it mean your bf has to move out too?