NuevoYorko Posted December 22, 2022 Share Posted December 22, 2022 (edited) [ ] I think the real key is for [you] to be honest with themselves, fully. The poster @Lauriebell82 seems to have got it right - if [you} had it her way, [your] relationship would probably look different, but it's worth it to her to change her paradigm for how her relationship is going to look in order to have her boyfriend in her life. The key is FULL ACCEPTANCE. You'd need to be very able to live and love in the moment without a certain level of demonstrated commitment. Not easy to do and not many people really can do it. Simply put: If this is as good as it gets, are you good with staying in? If his inability to make commitments that you want leads to him ultimately moving on from your relationship, will it have been worth it to spend this time of your life with him? If the answers are not YES then you probably cannot really do this and are likely to drive him away. I can't help but think that there are other parts of the story that you have not shared which illustrate some persistence on your part about the future planning; he's obviously already frustrated and pressured. Take my word for this: You REALLY don't want to drive him away. That would be devastating for you. Better to break up on purpose, if you can't settle with some comfort into the uncertainty of your future with this man. Edited December 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator not addressing OP 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted December 23, 2022 Senior Moderators Share Posted December 23, 2022 @MomInHer40s and @SM78 are the same poster Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 23, 2022 Share Posted December 23, 2022 OP, are you going to return now that we have more parts of your story? Do you own the place where you live now, or not. It makes a difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 23, 2022 Share Posted December 23, 2022 10 hours ago, S2B said: If you own a home and he lives with you - does he pay you half the mortgage? It’s a straight forward question that states he pay you IF he moves into your house. Why would he pay for an apartment while living with you? That’s IF he moves eventually. I think he probably needs his space to think and breathe a little. 9 hours ago, SM78 said: I'm not sure that I understand your question? Are you asking that if I buy a house that he could eventually move into, if he would pay half the mortgage on top of the rent of his apartment? I don't think that would be a realistic expectation. I wouldn't buy anything that I can't afford. I guess it's unlikely I would find something that would be big enough for all of us and that I could afford on my own until or if he chooses to move in. But who knows! Perhaps I could find something that is a good price because it's in desperate need of renovations, and I could live in it "as is" until he makes up his mind, and then renovate if he moves in and we share the expenses. it looks like you are twisting and turning my question. It was a simple question - asking if he pays you IF he eventually moves into your house. I never said anything about his apartment - I assume if he ever moved with you - he would no longer have an apartment. IF you want a house then buy one. But do not buy with an assumption that anyone would move in with you. Your kids need you - and the family unit. Create a safe space that for only you and them. You have plenty of years to make a home with someone new after they are away at school. Unless you know fully well how to do major renovations all on your own - don’t buy a run down place. Your kids need stability for the next long run. Not chaos. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted December 23, 2022 Share Posted December 23, 2022 10 hours ago, SM78 said: I am living in a rental building of 6 apartments. I don't owe the building. My ex bought me out of the house we were living in together and I rented an apartment. By BF moved into the same building when there was a vacancy, so no that wouldn't affect his situation. In your OP, you said: On 9/23/2022 at 4:32 PM, MomInHer40s said: I own a duplex and he's moved into the upper unit. So it does seem that he'd be financially impacted if you decide to move, unless you plan to retain the duplex as an income-producing property. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 23, 2022 Share Posted December 23, 2022 11 hours ago, SM78 said: I'm thinking perhaps just casually looking at houses. If the perfect house comes up -perhaps one where my BF could eventually move into with his kids when the time comes but that I can afford on my own in the meantime OR something that is good enough but a really great price an location - then I could make a move on it. Agree. Just decide on something for your kids and yourself if you feel you’re very cramped. Let’s also not rule out a larger rental. Regarding moving costs and finances if he really wants that life with you and to buy a bigger place and accommodate all your kids down the line then he’ll have to make some sacrifices too and contribute to those costs. The priority is you, your family and more space. His ex, his custody problems, the family issues, his sadness are completely separate from what goes on right now between you and your kids and your home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 23, 2022 Share Posted December 23, 2022 (edited) 13 hours ago, Lisa said: @MomInHer40s and @SM78 are the same poster Thank you Lisa. I thought so. So you are his landlady and he's living in your upstairs unit. Or that's what you said in your earlier thread so I don't know why you put the confused emogi by my question. You were concerned that he wouldn't sleep downstairs with you after he moved in. No don't wait to make your next move waiting on this guy. Most people who go through difficult divorces do not end up with the next person they date after they divorce. It's normally someone they meet after they've healed and dated around a bit. He may have said "2 years" but it's doubtful that's going to happen knowing your history with him. Edited December 23, 2022 by stillafool 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 23, 2022 Share Posted December 23, 2022 (edited) Well ... there are more issues in this relationship than revealed under the latest sock. If the first version is the truth, he's already squirming under the pressure of being in a relationship with his landlady, living upstairs from her kind of like they live together, but not (all managed by her) and he doesn't want to sleep with her in her apartment because her kids disrupt his rest. He is not getting the space he'd really need to prepare for a new marriage under these conditions. Any time he actually needs personal space, it is tantamount to rejecting her - because he lives upstairs. If she moves out - after getting him moved into her apartment building (whether she owns it or not) that's a big, heavily laden step. He'd feel quite manipulated and jerked around. I would. But she's in her rights to do it, absolutely. They are unlikely to make it because they are not at the same stages in their lives but mostly because she won't stop pushing and he isn't standing his ground. He'll have no choice but to leave, or to "give in" at some point and be resentful over that. The real question though: Will the OP return? Edited December 23, 2022 by NuevoYorko 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted December 24, 2022 Share Posted December 24, 2022 (edited) On 12/22/2022 at 8:41 AM, SM78 said: But the kids mentioned this to my BF over the weekend, and he was very upset. Not like yelling upset, but super sad upset. He said "why can't you wait for me? I just got over my custody battle and adjusting to a new schedule with my kids. I need some time to just live and not worry and plan for a while". I do see his point, but when I pressed him to give me more details of what amount of waiting is required of me, he said "two years?". My eldest will be in high school by then. He's not gonna want to share a room with his sister at that age! Sorry, but from my perspective, this is cake-eating behavior on his part. He wants you to give him time to figure himself out (which is perfectly fair) but simultaneously expects you and your kids to put aspects of your life on hold for him (which is not remotely fair). You have no idea how he will feel after 2 years. He has no idea either. Regardless of what he says about feeling sure about you but just needing time, you would be wise to allow him space to change his mind about being in the relationship down the road. You would be wise to give yourself space to do that too. Don't lock yourself in a this-relationship-must-last-forever box. You still don't know if it's going to work (this is me being realistic because I have no attachment to a specific outcome). So plan your life and your children's lives accordingly. Communicate with him. But if he feels sad, that's just part of the package: when you get into a relationship before you are ready to, to you are setting yourself up for a measure of sadness/frustration. [ ] Edited December 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator doesn't address OP 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 24, 2022 Share Posted December 24, 2022 OP, you said your ex bought you out, does it mean your bf has to move out too? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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