The Chili

[McJr760]

She offered me chili? Out of nowhere I got a message saying that she is making her favorite chili and was wondering if I wanted any since she has plenty to go around. As soon as I saw that my stomach sank. I have been trying to forget her for 3 weeks now and have made pretty good progress. Now I get this and my head has been kind of spinning. Do I want the chili? I don't know if I should leave things unanswered and just move [ ] on, or if I want closure. Do I want to know how she really feels about me? Do I want to face her after all the mean things I said to her out of frustration? Maybe I should just be a man and take what I deserve. Maybe it's not as bad as I think. It would be nice to see her. I've been told(by her) that she makes some darn good chili.

Aside from all the things that go bad or really great: she wants to see me. Maybe she actually misses me? A part of me still misses certain parts of her. The other parts I can go without, but I know that's not possible. I’m a pretty easy going guy who has the capacity for a good amount of bullshit. My upbringing helped me learn ways to look past a person's emotions and really hear what they’re saying. I never really got a chance to do that with her. She always tried to keep her baggage from me. In the end I think that added to our separation because I didn't get to truly see her. It was mostly a facade accompanied with drinking and keeping us distracted.

Thinking about it now, I would do most of the talking during our ‘deep conversations.’ She would agree and basically say ‘same’ with a bit added on that was only tid-bits of how she really felt. Or maybe I didn't really listen. Blinded by ecstasy, giving me tunnel vision. I can’t say I was selfish. I definitely wanted to know everything about her. She was an absolute mystery to me, one of the reasons why I loved her. Problem was that when I would ask her questions she would respond with ‘I don’t want to talk about that right now.’ There was definitely effort. I figured she just wanted to enjoy the moment. Maybe she was nervous that I would reject her. I don’t think I would; we all have our faults.

Vulnerability is a funny thing. I find it easy with her, and I figured that creating that safe space would help her feel comfortable too. I never had a reason to lie to her, and always told her how I felt. She was the one who told me from the beginning that communication can help solve anything. A common notion, but does she really believe that? It sounds too good to be true. Because the truth is that she didn’t want to communicate with me. Maybe she wasn’t ready? Time does heal all wounds. Being prepared for those things is very important. I do remember her saying that when we first got together she didn’t really have any plans on dating seriously. That happened naturally; we were inseparable from the start. I do miss my best friend. I forgive her for being rash, and I want to apologize for so many things. The codependency(although she said she didn’t mind it), for failing her as a partner by not paying attention to the signs, and most importantly, for my actions that made her lose trust in me. This is a huge learning experience for me, and I'm soaking it all in. I will do anything to make things right. Anything for my bibti. That chili better not have beans!

 

Edited September 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language, paragraphs

[Wiseman2]

The best thing you can do is delete and block her. This way if you get messages by mistake or that she sends to everyone in her list, it won't upset you or set you back.

[glows]

14 hours ago, McJr760 said:

 I don't know if I should leave things unanswered and just move [ ] on, or if I want closure. Do I want to know how she really feels about me? Do I want to face her after all the mean things I said to her out of frustration? Maybe I should just be a man and take what I deserve. Maybe it's not as bad as I think. It would be nice to see her. 

 

Did you end up seeing her? If not the message may have been a mistake, not meant to be sent to you. 
 

Quote

The only problem is that she has trust issues from past trauma by an ex boyfriend and other shitty people in her life. 

And what about this written in your last thread? You have reservations about her and people in her life. You don’t accept her the way she is. How do you expect things to be different a second time around? 

[McJr760]

9 hours ago, glows said:

Did you end up seeing her? If not the message may have been a mistake, not meant to be sent to you. 
 

And what about this written in your last thread? You have reservations about her and people in her life. You don’t accept her the way she is. How do you expect things to be different a second time around? 

I didn't see her yet, but we did text a little bit last night. Nothing significant, but she was friendly. Definitely nice to talk to her again. I'm a little worried she's trying to be friends and I don't want that. I'm waiting to share all of that though if she wants to meet up. If not, then I'll let her know we can't keep talking. 
 I do accept her as she is, its about her letting me be a part of her life. Because of her traumas she always kept me at arms length emotionally. I'm willing to be patient with her; she's in her early twenties with a lot to learn about coping and acceptance. Nothing I can push on her. I figure we all have baggage.

[S2B]

It’s really not about the chili. If you want to be capable of finding a good match - block her.

the chili was just to bait you in yo talking to her again.

[McJr760]

31 minutes ago, S2B said:

It’s really not about the chili. If you want to be capable of finding a good match - block her.

the chili was just to bait you in yo talking to her again.

I'm finding that hard to do these days. I did block her on all socials. I'm just not ready to cut her off completely. Thought I was, but she really grew on me. I just need a little time to see if there is a chance. I know it sounds a bit inferior, but I'm waiting for my second chance. I never got to plead my case, and I really don't want her to think of me negatively even if we're not together. She had always said that we would talk. But I did something pretty stupid--she thought I was obsessed with someone I hadn't seen or talk to in almost 10 years and by coincidence I put that girls name into a story I wrote and it freaked her out. To me it was a silly mistake. To her it solidified her suspicions and labeled me a liar from here on out. So I never got to plead my case in person, only over texts. It definitely was a bait text to see if I would respond because I haven't had that chili yet lol

[McJr760]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The best thing you can do is delete and block her. This way if you get messages by mistake or that she sends to everyone in her list, it won't upset you or set you back.

She does play games like that lol but this wasn't a mistake, we had a little conversation afterwards

 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/23/2022 at 6:23 PM, McJr760 said:

I accepted her offer of chili lol I offered some elk steak in return. I have a feeling this is like her testing the waters

Unfortunately this seems more like the friendzone. You dated 5 months and when it's over, it's over.

If you had past issues with nostalgia such as the name mix-up which prompted the breakup, it's best to explore why you have difficulty living in the present and pine over the past .

You're still hoping to reconcile, but buzzing in the friendzone  after a breakup rarely works

Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people . So chasing those who are gone or long gone is something to reconsider.

Edited September 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

1 hour ago, McJr760 said:

I'm finding that hard to do these days. I did block her on all socials. I'm just not ready to cut her off completely. Thought I was, but she really grew on me. I just need a little time to see if there is a chance. I know it sounds a bit inferior, but I'm waiting for my second chance. I never got to plead my case, and I really don't want her to think of me negatively even if we're not together. She had always said that we would talk. But I did something pretty stupid--she thought I was obsessed with someone I hadn't seen or talk to in almost 10 years and by coincidence I put that girls name into a story I wrote and it freaked her out. To me it was a silly mistake. To her it solidified her suspicions and labeled me a liar from here on out. So I never got to plead my case in person, only over texts. It definitely was a bait text to see if I would respond because I haven't had that chili yet lol

At least you’re aware. This may be one road you need to travel on to learn for yourself where it leads. She sounds like a lot of trouble and you’re still attached. I’m sorry. The chilli sounds good too.

[JM760]

Recently I find myself wanting to call her. I tell myself that's it out of habit, but I really just miss the good conversation. I miss her soothing voice and how she asked me how my day was. The way she listened and always took my side when I would complain about someone she never met. The way she would help see the lighter sides of things and tell me I was overreacting. I miss having that. I miss her, but I can't tell her how much so. She wants nothing to do with me and although she hasn't blocked me, I'm worried about what would happen if I do. It makes me think about silly movies where the guy gives a speech about how he really feels--and by admitting his faults with promises of change, she takes him back and they live happily ever after. Makes me think about certain times when I was young trying to do the same thing with no success. And the other very few times that it worked. Usually it came with me feeling like I had to convince these women to stay with me, as if I was entitled to their affection. Older now, I know people don't like to be pushed or bothered by someone that hurt them. Understanding the way my ex thinks: there's no way that she would answer. The only time I would expect her to answer is when she has absolutely nothing going on, she's had a nap about two hours ago and there hasn't been any drama for the past 48 hours. That combo maybe happens once a month or so. With how recent we broke up(almost a month), I know there's no way she'll talk to me. She would only want to be friends if we reconnected. I wouldn't be able to handle that. I already blocked her on social media because I would be tempted to contact her. I don't know how long it's going to be to get over her. I don't know if I want to get over her. We had plans, things that we wanted to do together. We talked about traveling and had already been on a couple little getaways. She even said she would move in with me next year. Then I fudge up and she's too stubborn to listen, at least for now. I try to be understanding, but I just want her to look at me like she did when we first met. I want to call her to see if she still feels that way about me. I want to know if she misses me to and is struggling with staying away too. What would be the best way to reach her without being intrusive? I know either way it's not going to enjoyable if she responds negatively. I like to think there's a chance that she would be happy that I messaged her. Maybe she's waiting for me? The cynical side of me wants to keep her waiting, but I'm not one to hold a grudge. Yes she hurt me, but life hurts. It's all about how you deal with it. I can forgive and forget as long I have an understanding. Unfortunately she can not without taking some time to stew on it. Nobody is perfect, and I'm not exception. If I was then I wouldn't be here writing this. I can accept her flaws because I love her. These past few weeks I've been struggling with the notion that my love for her was really just lust. At first it made sense because I was angry and it was easy to get her off my mind. Lately she's been all I can think about. And now when I catch myself on my lunch break, or while waiting for the bus, wanting to call her and have a little conversation. I don't even want to have the big talk about rekindling or any relationship stuff. I want to know how she's doing, how her cats are, how her parents are doing. She started a new job today and I know she was nervous, so I want to know all about it. I won't call her though. I'm not going to call her and act like everything is ok because it's not. She needs her space and I respect that. I'll know when it's time to call her.

Edited September 27, 2022 by JM760

[glows]

What was the reason she broke up with you? 

It’s not uncommon for healing to have ups and downs. Some days are better than others. You seem very upset still and affected by the break up and contacting her will only set you back as she’s clear she doesn’t want to date you or only wants to be friends.