Should I be angry with my husband of 12 years for dropping everything to fly cross country for his ex-wife of over 15+ years ago's father's funeral?

[smo2627]

Here’s the whole story via text after I left for work this morning after getting the call at 12:30AM:

Me: I'm sorry you're upset but you were there for me when BOTH MY parents n brother died in the span of 2 yrs and regardless of my relationship with them at the time which you were so poinent at pointing out to what? hurt my feelings this is not YOUR immediate family That relationship is no more or less important than my EX inlaws It makes no sense that I Get called a heartless [ ] and everything else after the last few days of being cussed at threatened to be put in the hospital and have teeth knocked out after you bust my fan into pieces that I HAVE to sleep with and you cry cold because you refuse to sleep under a blanket and then accuse me of stealing OUR nest egg from OUR household and you expect me to be empathetic about your ex’s father passing?! I’m going to post an anonymous forum to find out if this is just me or if this is REALLY [messed] up!! my condolences but he has NOTHING to do with OUR immediate family its not YOUR father then i would be empathetic regardless of our recent issues like our daughter said "people die what does he have to do with our family" I'm curious to see how you're going to pull off a cross country plane ticket with rent being due next week and why it would even be a consideration that you need to rush back East for your EX in laws funeral?? you're not even contributing money that OUR household needs right now! it's [ ]  ridiculous But I'M  heartless because your EX father-in-law passed what does that have to do with our [ ] family and why am I supposed to be so sympathetic and empathetic and Like it was YOUR [ ] parents or something?! Unreal

Him: Wow! Gary was like a father to me!

& like a 2nd father to T. Have you EVER heard me loose it like that B4 NEVER!

Stop saying Melissa this n that BS. This is about T n Me and our relationship

with one of the best men I have ever known. You have no clue about any of that because of your jealousy issues. I loved that man and he has been there for T his whole life whatever he needed tangible or emotional. If T wasn't even going I would still try n figure it out. But he is [ ] devastated! My Son needs me bad Gary built a real family and b4 that Id never had one he welcomed me in and it was the only time I ever had that. He was the person I called when I needed advice. He was the one that took us on at least 9 week long vacations. Linda n him would comee down to stay for weeks sometimes months. Lisa- Steven my neices Kara n Holly. My "brother" Tod and Niece Hannah. We all did everything together. We'd drive up their on every Xmas Thanksgiving birthdays christening's ect. ect. ect

I am very hurt over his loss..

Very hurt by you last nite and today how can you be so cold when I was obviously shattered last nite.

Throwing up all nite. NOT 1 KIND WORD FROM YOU1 NOT EVEN A SQUEEZE OF A SHOULDER.

My neices still call me Uncle Dar. He really was a GREAT MAN!

Stop making your daughter out to be as cold-hearted as you shame on you for continously doing that! You are damaging her over and over again with that s***.

Me: Who are these neices and “brother’s” etc that I’ve never even heard of the whole 12 yrs we’ve been together?? And The way you've treated me this week?! Its a shame you didn't learn a thing or 2 from him and my daughter has her own mind and that was HER individual response im not hiding how you treat me and how you're making OUR family suffer from her anymore she has her own mind and opinion and my jealousy issues?! Please... I'm sad for T but he’s 25 yrs old and has plenty support where WE DO NOT... and she's beginning to realize that now too

I'm disgusted by how a family from 15+ yrs ago mean more and are more important than the family you have now but I'm not surprised does T understand that you're not even making sure we have what we need to pay our bills and keep lights and a roof?! I'm sure if he did he would understand if you couldn't come out there if it was YOUR father this would be completely different you can be there for him the same way I was there for Noah after him losing SIX immediate family members within TWO YEARS!

Him: please do not reply you've done enough damage already. Post that text I just sent you ,on your lil forum and see what happens! But you will never be honest with people you see things in only your perspective. Wich is so twisted up! You've never tried on another person shoes but your n julz. N people talk s*** all the time when their arguing I never said I was going to put you in a hospital. I've never laid a pinky on you n you know it. I told T I probably couldnt come because of the money issues you know what he said "Daddy I need you" Dont worry about it ill take care of it. He's got over 20 grand saved up from working since he was 15.

don't text me back.

Me: Oh yea I'll make sure I post that too! I don't ever not tell the whole story and you most CERTAINLY said "I'll put you in the hospital and knock those fake ass teeth out your face" and MY son needed me too and I should’ve gone back east for him but with what money but that wasn't important to YOU and you didn't comfort ME when I lost all my EX people oh thats right cuz I didn't lose my s*** cuz they're EX people from another time in my life but it hurt my son just the same but I have a family HERE that I have to take care of so give me a break! Good to know you're gonna take care of it instead of making sure WE'RE taken care of and have lights and a roof but it wouldn't be the 1st time you left us with nothing messed up… again... not surprised!! Like you said tho since YOU said so now, we're done so you might as well stay out there i can ship your s*** to you

Edited September 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
multiple language breaches

[basil67]

Oh dear, what a mess. 

All things being equal, I see no harm in someone going to the funeral of an ex's parent.  

However, in your situation, the funeral isn't the problem.  The problem is the complete and utter lack of respect both of you have for the other.  The way you speak to each other is appalling.  All these raised voices, threats, blame and raising of long held grudges from both of you is nothing short of toxic.  If the two of you were able to treat each other with respect, the funeral would most likely have been a non issue.

 May I ask what you'd like your future to be like?   Do you want to work together to fix the marriage, learning how to communicate in a healthy manner?   Or do you want to end the marriage?   Even if you do end the marriage, you could still benefit from counselling to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.

Do you have children in the house? 

[Els]

The problem here is clearly not the funeral.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, smo2627 said:

 Him: . Post that text I just sent you ,on your lil forum and see what happens! 

What does he mean by this? Why are there threats about forums? Keep in mind posting text dialogues is not some sort of divorce court jury.

Unfortunately you're in a mutually abusive situation and a divorce is about 11 years overdue.

[Stret]

Whatever is happening, he shouldn't really threaten you with violence like that. His wife and his family should be a priority and should be the first people to protect, their feelings and finances both - he does neither. He can send something for the funeral and express his condolence to that ex and her family. If he spends the money that you need for bills on funeral, then it is not just about funeral but about the priorities he has in life. And if he takes the hard earned money from a young guy who saved a measly 20K just so he can go there, then he really hasn't got much love for him either. Leeching off would not be a sign of a good character. He obviously doesn't feel very protective over you as a husband should but feels more like a teenager with a mum (those dynamics are not healthy). He wasn't there for you and expects you to understand everything he needs. Immature and childish. I'm not surprised that you are that upset and angry at him as he seemed to have hurt you and dragged you down to his level where you're becoming insane. I see he didn't have anything concrete to tell you in the messages but was more mixing a word salad and telling you about how much he loves people you never even heard of. My advice is that instead to look for justice and proving to him who is right, try and find a way out of that marriage. He will never change and you will just grow even more resentful.