Faidle Posted September 24, 2022 Posted September 24, 2022 Me and my wife of 5 years are now on the 6th day of not really talking to each other and I have no idea how it started. Right before it started I was cutting some metal with a hacksaw trying to do something she asked me to for the house. While doing this I ended up slicing my finger open, and shouted at the piece of metal. I was very upset because I knew I was going to do it because of how I was holding the metal, but still kept going for a second because I thought it would be alright. After shouting she asked me what was wrong and I took a second to tell her I cut my finger open with the saw while I was in our bathroom looking for some toilet paper. Then still pretty angry with myself I stomped upstairs, got a band-aid and stomped right back downstairs because I didn't want this project to get the best of me. A few minutes later she came downstairs looking pretty angry and started slamming doors while doing some household chores, and from past experience I knew the silent treatment had started. Throughout our marriage whenever I do or say anything that might upset her she uses the silent treatment as her go to, she told me she just needs time to think about why she is mad and if she is actually mad at all when this happens. When she decides she is mad, usually within a few hours to at most 2 days she will come at me pretty hard with all of the reasons something I said or did was wrong and I will apologize, whether I meant something in the way she took it or not. I should also point out that this doesn't happen often, maybe just 2 to 3 times a year if that. The problem when this happens is that the majority of the time I can't figure out what it was that started it and now it's been 6 days. Another thing she does during this time is refuse help with any of our normal household chores. All of the things I normally do for her she starts doing herself, like she's taking it away from me. And this time around her brother is our room mate, so instead of her asking me to do something for her that I normally do, he will ask me to. These things aren't household chores, just things for her like get a candy bar on the way home or something like that. Normally I will try to pry a little bit, asking her what's wrong or if I did something wrong and usually get "nothing" as a response but this time I haven't at all. I think even though not frequent it has still chipped a little away at me every time she does it. I feel alone and unwanted just inches away from my wife in bed, probably magnified by how little intimacy we share throughout the year, maybe twice per year due to her being too tired, having a headache or other physical problems. I've gotten to the point where I only feel wanted when I'm doing chores or being convenient to her. What's worse is she at least has her brother to talk to and I have no one in our house. Anyways I don't know what to do anymore, I've debated telling her I'm going to sleep on the couch but I think that would only help me. It's to the point where I just don't want to be here anymore, I feel less alone by myself. I don't know what's different about getting the silent treatment this time, but I feel like so much damage has been done. I would appreciate any help I can get.
Wiseman2 Posted September 25, 2022 Posted September 25, 2022 6 hours ago, Faidle said: she at least has her brother to talk to and I have no one in our house. Why is her brother living with you? Are there economic problems? Your marriage sounds quite strained overall from lack of communication, lack of intimacy and a lot of passive aggressive game playing. You must know why she's upset. You can't be married to someone 5 years and have no clue. What else is going on? Are there financial issues? Do you both work? Do you have kids? Do you both do your share around the house? Are there issues with drinking, drugs or mental health? Don't you think it's strange that her and her brother act like a civilized couple and you're more like a boarder or roommate? Your choices seem to be marriage therapy or divorce. But first figure out how to get some privacy and live like a couple without this brother hanging around. 1
glows Posted September 25, 2022 Posted September 25, 2022 (edited) You seem worked up about the project and upset. She’s giving you space because she doesn’t want to get involved with your agitation and frustration cutting yourself or not finishing the project. There seems to be a lot under the surface neither of you are addressing. Are there any other issues in the marriage? She seems to be avoiding you out of self-preservation or shutting down and it may not be voluntary. It’s involuntary and a coping mechanism. Edited September 25, 2022 by glows 1
giotto Posted September 25, 2022 Posted September 25, 2022 Intimacy twice a year? How old are you two? Yes, it seems that there is some underlying problem in the marriage. 1
mark clemson Posted September 25, 2022 Posted September 25, 2022 21 hours ago, Faidle said: It's to the point where I just don't want to be here anymore, I feel less alone by myself. I don't know what's different about getting the silent treatment this time, but I feel like so much damage has been done. I would appreciate any help I can get. This is what can happen when you allow a relationship continue without it actually meeting your needs. I suspect the lack of intimacy is undermining your "bond" as a couple for both your wife and for you, although that probably isn't the main driver - there are probably other issues that are "elephants in the room" in your marriage as well. You don't seem to be communicating well at all about problems. From what I understand that's not uncommon. If you want to try to salvage things then I (as well) think you'll need a marriage therapist, as you'll want a referee for difficult conversations between the two of you. My gut sense is that your wife will resist going, but may change her mind when faced with the prospect of divorce. If necessary, present MC as a positive - to help you get better at resolving things as a couple. Six days is a long time - it's possible your wife is "done" in which case the above may be a moot point. That may or may not be the case. 2
Will am I Posted September 26, 2022 Posted September 26, 2022 On 9/25/2022 at 12:11 AM, Faidle said: Then still pretty angry with myself I stomped upstairs, got a band-aid and stomped right back downstairs because I didn't want this project to get the best of me. A few minutes later she came downstairs looking pretty angry and started slamming doors while doing some household chores If I were you, the first thing I would do is apologize to your wife. I imagine you must have come across rather aggressive when you were bolting up and down the stairs. She didn't do a thing to provoke your aggression. The fact that your anger wasn't directed at her does not mean it didn't affect her. Why should you wait for your wife to explain what you did wrong? She's probably waiting for you to show some initiative. The increasing duration of silent treatment is an indication that she may be digging herself into the trenches. Although I don't approve of silent treatment as a communication style (I think it's passive aggressive), I do think it's important that you recognize how she's drifting away from you. If she would be the one writing a topic here, what would it read like? Maybe something like "husband aggressive AGAIN with no reason, having more and more difficulty coping"? 2
Weezy1973 Posted September 26, 2022 Posted September 26, 2022 2 hours ago, Will am I said: If I were you, the first thing I would do is apologize to your wife. I agree, especially if this has been a conversation she’s had with you before. That being said, the silent treatment is her intentionally trying to hurt you. And it’s working. If one partner is actively doing things to hurt their partner, there’s something deeply wrong with the marriage. Much more wrong than an incident of yelling at metal. For her to want you to feel pain, there must be an awful lot of resentment built up.
mark clemson Posted September 26, 2022 Posted September 26, 2022 Agree + it's also a "power" thing, I think, or at least sometime it is. You need me to talk to you, I don't need you to talk to me, maybe I'll just be done with you, etc. I think silent treatment can be useful short-term if it helps people cool off a bit so they can communicate rationally instead of emotionally after an argument. But 6 days is a LONG time for that and doesn't bode well at all IMO. IF the intent is to show "power"/"emotional dominance" or similar I think the wife is overplaying her hand (which is what this sort of approach can often lead to) as now OP is starting to seriously think of leaving.
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