When he never calls when he's on 'his' time - red flag?

[Bluebell72]

So I recently started dating this guy and it's going really well. Unfortunately we don't work the same hours. I start early finish mid afternoon. He starts just before I finish and finishes before midnight. We both work 5 days per week but only have 1 day off in common. So what happened is he started ringing me from his work in the evenings when he had quiet time and that's when I was at home. At first I thought that worked well. Then I realised that he only ever called me from work. He never actually called when he was on his own time, on days off etc. I started to think this might be a red flat. If he's only calling from "work" time and not making any time for me when he's off work, maybe I didn't mean that much to him. Or maybe I'm overthinking it??? 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Bluebell72 said:

. If he's only calling from "work" time and not making any time for me when he's off work.

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Have you been to his home?

There's a few things. One is your work schedules are difficult. The other is the red flag that he only contacts you from work.

How often have you met in person? Is he married?

[ironpony]

This does seem strange to me.  I am always more in the mood in calling my gf on my own time, rather than at work, where I am more in work mode.  I'd say it's strange of him.

[Bluebell72]

We are both in our 40s and have been previously married and divorced. He is single. I am single. Yes, I have been to his home. We have met in person several times. We have been dating for around 3 months and are taking it really slow. He has introduced me to his daughter that he has 50 per cent of the time. Thanks for your input. 

[glows]

How old is his daughter? It’s odd he’s working when she’s not in school. How does he care for her 50% of the time if he’s working 5 days a week in the evenings? Does he have someone living with him, a grandparent of his daughter for ie? At 3 months you may know his schedule. Is he not open about his daily routines? What is he doing in the earlier half of the day?

If you know each other and this is more or less a communication issue let him know he’s welcome to call you at work or on your break. He may not want to be intrusive or disrupt you at work so is being kind and considerate.

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Bluebell72 said:

. We have met in person several times. We have been dating for around 3 months and are taking it really slow. 

You don't seem compatible. He may be a nice guy but between the work schedule and custody, he hasn't really made much time for dating anyone.

If you've only met a few times after dating a quarter of a year, it seems unsatisfactory as far as building any sort of relationship .

Are you exclusive? Are either of you still talking to and meeting others?

It may be best to cut your losses and consider someone more available.

[Bluebell72]

His sister helps out a lot with childcare. But it is complicated. Thanks everyone for your feedback. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Bluebell72 said:

His sister helps out a lot with childcare. But it is complicated. Thanks everyone for your feedback. 

You’re welcome. Be cautious but don’t sabotage this if it’s a good thing. Communicate with him. That’s all you can do especially with busy schedules. If it’s not meant to be go your separate ways.

[Bluebell72]

We have been out for dinner, walks on the beach, gone shopping, he has cooked dinners for me...

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Bluebell72 said:

His sister helps out a lot with childcare. But it is complicated. 

His situation is complicated or the relationship is complicated?  Or does he just say "it's complicated"?

You seem to be struggling to try to make this work. What exactly is he doing to help build a relationship?

[Alpacalia]

I would find it a bit odd too.

Have you ever tried to reach him when he wasn't working and couldn't reach him?

The man I've been seeing for 8 months recently took a position that requires a lot more hours and longer commutes.

I attend full-time school and work, and he works full time.

He is one of those people who likes to talk a lot. I also find it quite amusing that he likes to plan out all of our dates ahead of time, something I was not so comfortable with at first. As much as I love spending time, I also have my own things to do on my own time. There was a time when I felt rushed, but that has changed. 

I think, for now, we've created a healthy balance, time will tell. I realize I must compromise, and he has been open about what he needs.

Certainly, be cautious, but I wouldn't write him off yet.

Are you comfortable being open about this? Is he responsive? It is possible that he is not ready for a relationship. There is nothing you can do about that. 

I would say that if he's a great person otherwise, and if he meets your needs as they are; carry on, sister. Assuming he does not meet these criteria, you might be better off going it alone.

Edited September 25, 2022 by Alpacalia

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Bluebell72 said:

I start early finish mid afternoon. He starts just before I finish and finishes before midnight.

So when is it that he could be calling you but isn't?  After midnight?  Or just on the one day off you don't have in common? Aren't you working then?  Or do you mean that night?

If you only have 1 day off in common and spend that day together, plus you hear from him regularly on other days, it seems to me that it's no big deal if you don't hear from him on the one day he's off that you aren't, especially since you've only been dating for 3 months.  On the other hand, if it's important to you, why not tell him?  Or make the call yourself on the day he's off.

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, Bluebell72 said:

So I recently started dating this guy and it's going really well. 

^How so?  From what you've posted, it doesn't sound like it's going "really well" to me.

His behavior seems off, and imo shady. 

Pay attention!  Sorry for the yell but I cannot stress this enough especially during these precarious early stages when you're observing each other..

If something seems off, it usually is.

Trust your intuition and follow it is my advice. 

[stillafool]

Why haven't you asked him why he only contacts you when he's at work rather than on his time off?

[Alvi]

12 hours ago, Bluebell72 said:

So I recently started dating this guy and it's going really well. Unfortunately we don't work the same hours. I start early finish mid afternoon. He starts just before I finish and finishes before midnight. We both work 5 days per week but only have 1 day off in common.

Well, if you work till the afternoon and he starts working in the afternoon, what time do you want him to call you:? During your work hours or after the midnight? Not saying that there are no red flags here could be. But I am trying to think realistically here. Why doesn't he phones you on his days off is a very good question.  But talk to him and tell him that you want to hear from him more often.

11 hours ago, Bluebell72 said:

We have been dating for around 3 months and are taking it really slow.

And who came up with that idea? Not saying that you should move in together after second date, but this statement says that your relationship is not serious. Have you talked about what taking it really slow means and entails?  Just one date at a time or the two of you are allowed to be dating other people? I think that you want more, while he views this as a very casual relationship. Talk to him and see where his head is regarding this.

Edited September 25, 2022 by Alvi