Had a first date yesterday late afternoon. not sure about second date.

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, Red2016 said:

But usually ppl should confirm plans within 24 hours the latest

The word "should" with respect to other people always sets us up for disappointment because people don't always do as we would in the same situation.   And that's OK.

 

[Rider on the Storm]

29 minutes ago, Red2016 said:

But usually ppl should confirm plans within 24 hours the latest. Its not like I needed all of the details of everything on the spot. But at least knowing what day/time frame is a reasonable expectation.

I think it would be reasonable to say something like, I hadnt heard from him so I assumed he was busy for those days. Is that not the case? 

because at this time, I am nearly fully believing that he is not up for those days, as he hasnt said anything. I would be a fool to assume that it is happening still.

Generally speaking, I agree. People should be able to respond to a text or to confirm plans within a 24 hour period. No argument there. One date or eleven, you should always treat a person with common courtesy and respect.

I just think your expectation of a 3+ day advanced notice after one date is a bit much. If he really likes you, he should be showing that by confirming whether those days work for him. If you really like him, I would think you'd be willing to bend a little and agree to a 2nd date regardless of whether your 3 day policy is being adhered to or not. After one date, assuming there is interest and attraction by both parties, we shouldn't be having this conversation.

I think you should give it until tomorrow. If you don't hear from him by then, move on. 

Edited September 26, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[poppyfields]

@Red2016may I ask how old you are (approx) and what your dating experiences have been like? 

I'll be blunt, you sound rigid and inflexible.  Either that or terribly insecure. 

Why can't you keep it open-ended for a few days? 

Hopefully you have other things happening in your life to focus on other than when you hear back from a man you had one date with 24 hours ago? 

I never experienced anything like this and I dated A LOT before I recently got married. 

Why?

Because I always remained flexible; when I liked a man, I was open and trusting. 

When he asked me when I was free, I'd give him dates and then kept busy until I heard back from him confirming. Even if it took a few days. 

When he did, I was happy to hear from him and we planned and  had another fantastic date. 

Usually resulted in a long term relationship.

What you're experiencing now sounds utterly exhausting, mentally and emotionally.

Just my take but my sense is you don't have any other pressing plans, but rather you want to teach him a lesson.  

Essentially punish him for not acquiescing to your frame, your timetable in contacting you sooner, like immediately or the next day at the latest. 

I mean you really sound anxious and pissed off about it!  

I change my stance on this.  With your current attitude, I don't envision anything positive. Sorry. 

May as well dump him now as far as I am concerned.

Learn flexibility and to not take things so personally.

Both those things go a long way  towards being successful at dating and developing long term relationships.

All the best.

 

Edited September 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Red2016 said:

I would be a fool to assume that it is happening still.

Live your life. It’s good that you’ve made other plans. If/when he contacts you, simply explain that you hadn’t heard from him so you made other plans. 

You have no control here, so no sense worrying about it. Just make your plans and see what happens… either way, you win. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Red2016 said:

well it's been about 24 hours since the date and the text last night. 

Since it's now Sunday and I gave my availability for Tues/Wed, I am already making my plans for the week and I cannot keep my schedule clear for the possibility that he will confirm one of these.

Maybe if he responds tomorrow, can I just tell him that I am now longer free on those days and I can meet him later in the week instead? (bc I am trying to plan other things for the week, for now) 

Would that be rude or unreasonable to tell him politely if he ever does get back to me? I just usually plan things at least 3+ days in advance.. 

Yes, that’s completely fine. You’re busy and need to know your schedule in advance. If this isn’t just about being turned off by his lack of communication/coordination/interest, then it’s also about you not putting your entire life at a standstill. You’re not being rude by continuing to fill your calendar as needed if he doesn’t get back to you in a time you feel is soon enough. 

All it means is change of plans and if he gets back to you he’s not a priority. He can see you whenever you are available next. No biggie. I wouldn’t spend much more effort on this guy.

[basil67]

To be honest, I think you weren't clear about your diary needs and this caused the problem.   If you'd said "I've got some loose plans on Tues and Weds, but I'd like to see you and could make sure I'm available.  Could you to let me know so that I can plan?" and he didn't respond, it would be perfectly acceptable to cancel because he knew you needed an answer soon.

However, if you say that you're free on Tues or Weds (without any caveat) then it's rude to go and book something else without being a bit patient for an answer.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Red2016 said:

, I am already making my plans for the week and I cannot keep my schedule clear for the possibility that he will confirm one of these.

 

 You're playing some pretty hard games here. Is it that you're actually not that interested or that you're annoyed he's not texting 24/7?

[NuevoYorko]

14 hours ago, Red2016 said:

 

I think it would be reasonable to say something like, I hadnt heard from him so I assumed he was busy for those days. Is that not the case? 

because at this time, I am nearly fully believing that he is not up for those days, as he hasnt said anything. I would be a fool to assume that it is happening still.

This all sounds conniving.  You don't need to be mapping out what you are going to say, assuming this and that, thinking along the lines of: "nearly fully believing,"  "I would be a fool to assume" etc.

If you truly have such a pressing social calendar that Tuesday and Wednesday evenings are filled for you by the prior weekend, I guess he will have to wait, or give up on you.  So be it.  

I'm sorry to say this, but at this point you have a big pile of anxiety and potential game playing strategy built up.   Unless you can just completely step away with all of your assumptions,  doubts etc. and just approach him with a fresh and positive attitude IF and WHEN he asks you out, this is not going to go well.  

Your priority is to have him assuage your anxieties and make you feel a certain way (like he is over the moon about you). There is no room at all to get to know another human being. 

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Red2016 said:

But usually ppl should confirm plans within 24 hours the latest. Its not like I needed all of the details of everything on the spot. But at least knowing what day/time frame is a reasonable expectation.

I think it would be reasonable to say something like, I hadnt heard from him so I assumed he was busy for those days. Is that not the case? 

because at this time, I am nearly fully believing that he is not up for those days, as he hasnt said anything. I would be a fool to assume that it is happening still.

Well you know by now that you are not a high priority on his list and it is up to you whether you still want to go out with him if he ever gets back to you.  However to give him the spiel about how you haven't heard from him and what you assumed, blah. blah, blah is not necessary nor does he care.  You either accept the date or not.

[Lotsgoingon]

He's not interested. If I want to go out with a woman ... if any guy I have ever met or read about wants to go out with a woman, they will get back you fast.

Here's what I didn't like. He asked you for your availability. I don't like that. He should have proposed X day or X and Y day ... and then let you respond. Or he could have given you say three days that work for him ... and then you can see if any of those days work for you. 

There is something really lazy and noncommittal about him saying "let me know your availability." Because it's not just your availability involved--it's his as well!

I don't sense that you guys are all that much into each other. 

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He's not interested. If I want to go out with a woman ... if any guy I have ever met or read about wants to go out with a woman, they will get back you fast.

Here's what I didn't like. He asked you for your availability. I don't like that. He should have proposed X day or X and Y day ... and then let you respond. Or he could have given you say three days that work for him ... and then you can see if any of those days work for you. 

There is something really lazy and noncommittal about him saying "let me know your availability." Because it's not just your availability involved--it's his as well!

I don't sense that you guys are all that much into each other. 

@Lots, with respect, that's you.  Not every man who is interested behaves the same way, it's nuanced, never black and white. 

Most men I dated asked me my availability including my hubs. 

Some men sent me dates they were available, including my hubs.

There is no rule dictating what's right or wrong. 

Some men texted immediately after the date, some took several days.  All these men were interested and we dated for awhile, some long term, some short term.

That's why imo flexibility is so important, to avoid making snap judgments like this before obtaining more information and getting to know the person better, and their style of dating. 

I DO agree with you however that I don't think either of them are very interested.

Edited September 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

37 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He's not interested. If I want to go out with a woman ... if any guy I have ever met or read about wants to go out with a woman, they will get back you fast.

 

There seems to be a general assumption that every person involved in dating is virtually obsessed with it.

Not true.

Lots of people are going on with their own lives, work, exciting developments of all kinds,  friends, obligations, etc.  New people they meet can be compartmentalized, even if interest is very high.  Whole lives don't necessarily suddenly take a back seat when someone meets an interesting person.   I mean ... this is a person they met ONE TIME.  

I would not be surprised if some awkwardness or red flags (for the guy) popped up during the first date.  The OP has shown here that she is one who will be completely consumed about a person she meets, and already is planning on things to say and ways to act in order to get a specific response out of the guy.   If he has a sense of this, he might have decided that this would be courting trouble.   

In a nutshell:  dating is supposed to be about getting to know another person.  This preoccupation with how much the guy is INTO the woman and all the required proof is, IMO, a bunch of red herrings.  Nobody is going to get to know anybody if all they can think about is whether that person is INTO them enough.  All behaviors of the man are only judged on that basis.   I actually think that a woman with this mindset is liable to accept a terrible man, as long as he does give her all the right ego strokes to "prove" how INTO her he is.  Thus, the success of "love bombing."  

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He's not interested. If I want to go out with a woman ... if any guy I have ever met or read about wants to go out with a woman, they will get back you fast.

This is how it's always been for me.  The guy asked me for the date immediately or said they would call on such and such day at such and such time and did exactly that.  I don't know your age but I'm older and I think men were different back then.   Now they seem to have so many options they get back to you when it's convenient for them or just plain ghost if something better comes along in the meantime.  I would hate to be a young person dating in this day and age.  It's not easy.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Now they seem to have so many options they get back to you when it's convenient for them or just plain ghost if something better comes along in the meantime.

To be fair to men, they experience the same with women

Women also have options, lots of them, and men often find themselves placed on back burner or ghosted.  It goes both ways. 

So they have learned to be cautious, and careful to not come across too needy and desperate - thirsty.  

I've heard this from many men, including my own hubs when he was dating.

So it's important to remember that and not make it all about you. That's entitlement and men can smell that a mile away. 

It's a completely different scene now since the birth of OLDing and dating apps. 

46 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I would not be surprised if some awkwardness or red flags (for the guy) popped up during the first date.  The OP has shown here that she is one who will be completely consumed about a person she meets, and already is planning on things to say and ways to act in order to get a specific response out of the guy.   If he has a sense of this, he might have decided that this would be courting trouble.   

I agree with this^ and believe I posted about it earlier.  

Edited September 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He's not interested. If I want to go out with a woman ... if any guy I have ever met or read about wants to go out with a woman, they will get back you fast.

Here's what I didn't like. He asked you for your availability. I don't like that. He should have proposed X day or X and Y day ... and then let you respond. Or he could have given you say three days that work for him ... and then you can see if any of those days work for you. 

There is something really lazy and noncommittal about him saying "let me know your availability." Because it's not just your availability involved--it's his as well!

I don't sense that you guys are all that much into each other. 

Agree. It goes both ways.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

It's a completely different scene now since the birth of OLDing and dating apps. 

Yes and a completely different scene than when I was dating some 27 years or so ago, which was my point.  I wasn't trying to be unfair to men as it seems like whether they are advised to or not they seem to be the ones to have the upper hand when it comes to dating.  I know in my family the young men make very little effort and girls are literally throwing themselves at them.  Glad to hear it goes both ways and not by what I'm seeing and reading on LS.