I think I married the wrong person

[SassyRedhead88]

I think I may have married the wrong person. Let me explain. We were together for a year and a half before we got married. He was the kindest sweetest understanding man I have ever met. After we got married everything changed. Always fighting with me , saying bad things about me and always putting me down. Giving me the silent treatment for days when he’s angry with me. He did this once during the time of my mother funeral so I had to do this all alone. He would say he loves me very much unless I did something he doesn’t like them he would say he loves me little. I don’t think I can live like this for the rest of my life but I’m a Christian and I made a promise before God so I feel I need to stay in this marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

I think I may have married the wrong person. Let me explain. We were together for a year and a half before we got married. He was the kindest sweetest understanding man I have ever met. After we got married everything changed. Always fighting with me , saying bad things about me and always putting me down. Giving me the silent treatment for days when he’s angry with me. He did this once during the time of my mother funeral so I had to do this all alone. He would say he loves me very much unless I did something he doesn’t like them he would say he loves me little. I don’t think I can live like this for the rest of my life but I’m a Christian and I made a promise before God so I feel I need to stay in this marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Divorce is a difficult enough topic without religion. I empathize with you though as I went through my own journey reconciling my divorce as a Catholic. What’s causing these disagreements? Do you disagree on finances, are one of you not employed,  what are the fights about? 

Silent treatment can be contempt or someone shutting down to self-preserve. There’s not enough info about why your dynamic is so toxic and dysfunctional. 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

I think I may have married the wrong person. Let me explain. We were together for a year and a half before we got married. He was the kindest sweetest understanding man I have ever met. After we got married everything changed. Always fighting with me , saying bad things about me and always putting me down. Giving me the silent treatment for days when he’s angry with me. He did this once during the time of my mother funeral so I had to do this all alone. He would say he loves me very much unless I did something he doesn’t like them he would say he loves me little. I don’t think I can live like this for the rest of my life but I’m a Christian and I made a promise before God so I feel I need to stay in this marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Can the two of you get counseling through your Pastor?  Is he also a Christian?

[SassyRedhead88]

We are both employed but he says my money is his money and his money is his. He gets mad about ever little thing. To him I can’t do anything right 

[SassyRedhead88]

He wouldn’t go to counseling and no he’s not a Christian 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

We are both employed but he says my money is his money and his money is his. He gets mad about ever little thing. To him I can’t do anything right 

He sounds borderline and even abusive at times. Couple’s counselling isn’t recommended in abusive relationships where there’s belittling and put downs. I suggest seeking therapy for yourself in private and figuring out what you want and need in a relationship. Disengage from the arguments and leave the room when things escalate to put downs and insults.

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

He wouldn’t go to counseling and no he’s not a Christian 

I think it would be a good idea for you to set up counseling with your Pastor for advice.  How long have you been married and how long did you date?

Edited September 25, 2022 by stillafool

[SassyRedhead88]

We’ve been married for almost a year and a half and dated a year and a half 

[Weezy1973]

Whether you’re Christian or not, living a life of misery is not a necessity just because you married an abusive man. Getting a divorce might be embarrassing for you in the short term, but your future self will thank you. Do you have kids?

[SassyRedhead88]

No we don’t have any children 

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

No we don’t have any children 

Whatever you decide, do not bring children in this world until/unless you sort the issues in your marriage.

I’m not particularly religious, but under no circumstances would I stay with a man who behaves in this way. The fact that he is unwilling to attend counselling and even consider that he needs to change his behavior - that would only confirm my decision to file for divorce. 

Edited September 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

OP, I am fairly certain his bait and switch behavior after marriage justifies an annulment. 

Talk to your pastor.  

No divorce but annulment which the Christian faith allows for and even encourages in these types of toxic situations when there are no children.

It's not a difficult process. 

Good luck. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

No we don’t have any children 

Privately and confidentially talk to an attorney about an annulment. No religion condones abuse.

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

I think I may have married the wrong person. Let me explain. We were together for a year and a half before we got married. He was the kindest sweetest understanding man I have ever met. After we got married everything changed. Always fighting with me , saying bad things about me and always putting me down. Giving me the silent treatment for days when he’s angry with me. He did this once during the time of my mother funeral so I had to do this all alone. He would say he loves me very much unless I did something he doesn’t like them he would say he loves me little. I don’t think I can live like this for the rest of my life but I’m a Christian and I made a promise before God so I feel I need to stay in this marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Did you live together before marriage ?

what were the fights about?  

are there money issues going on?

 

[SassyRedhead88]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

6 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Did you live together before marriage ?   

what were the fights about?  

are there money issues going on?

 

 

No we didn’t  live together before we got married and we still don’t because we are in a long distance marriage. Anything and everything. Our lastest fight was about me not sending him a good morning text. 🤦🏻‍♀️ The only problem we have with money is that he thinks it all belongs to him. 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

No we didn’t  live together before we got married and we still don’t because we are in a long distance marriage. Anything and everything. Our lastest fight was about me not sending him a good morning text. 🤦🏻‍♀️ The only problem we have with money is that he thinks it all belongs to him. 

Have you asked him to explain why your money is his and his money is only his?

[glows]

1 hour ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

No we didn’t  live together before we got married and we still don’t because we are in a long distance marriage. Anything and everything. Our lastest fight was about me not sending him a good morning text. 🤦🏻‍♀️ The only problem we have with money is that he thinks it all belongs to him. 

Do you mind me asking why this is the case or why it’s long distance? 

I think it’s best you speak with a lawyer asap to gather the info you need. You may not want to divorce him or think it conflicts with your religion but you still owe yourself the correct legal info in order to dissolve the marriage if it comes to that. Don’t be naive or need to scramble for that when the time comes because you have seen and heard what he is. It’s good to have that info regardless.

Edited September 26, 2022 by glows

[Lotsgoingon]

Well you raised religion, so I'll get into it here--it's relevant.

The Christianity I grew up in allows for divorces.  The Catholic Church doesn't accept divorces, so you have to get an annulment. But that's the official line. Plenty of Catholics get divorced. And non-Catholic Christians definitely get divorces. 

You promised to do your best to support the marriage--that's the way I take the vows. You did not promise that you would endure misery and emotional abusiveness. Him not supporting you during your mother's death and funeral--right there he violated his vows and so you're free to move on, if you ask me.

My mother was a deeply believing Christian woman. You would think it was absurd for anyone to think they are offending God by getting out of a bad relationship. She thought that kind of thinking was particularly unfair and cruel to women. 

I'll be blunt here. It was dumb, really dumb, to marry someone after a year and a half. Just because you made a dumb decision doesn't mean you have to stick with it. Again, someone like my mother would say to you that God values your happiness and wellbeing (emotional, spiritual, physical) more than he values staying in a marriage that will make it impossible for you to have lots of good energy in the world. 

It's really hard to be a good and positive person in the world if you're in a miserable marriage. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

 we are in a long distance marriage.  he thinks it all belongs to him. 

Ok. Then it's time for an annulment. Was this an arranged marriage? Frankly he sounds like a scammer. 

[Amy4love]

This is a clearly tonic and abusive relationship. Your psychological health and happiness is very important for a healthy marriage.

You should try talk to him about this, make him understand you are human and deserve respect and love.

And if this fails, an annulment should be the best bet...because life is precious to the living....

Nevertheless It's not a bad idea for people going into or in a relationship to know if that person is who you are truly meant to be with or soulmate, because deceptions, lies and pretence can erode dating and falling for those can have an everlasting repercussions

[]

Edited September 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed commercial link

[Will am I]

19 hours ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

I think I may have married the wrong person.

First, let me express my sympathy. It must be a hard place to be in and I imagine it must have been hard to come out and write about it.

19 hours ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

Let me explain. We were together for a year and a half before we got married. He was the kindest sweetest understanding man I have ever met. After we got married everything changed. Always fighting with me , saying bad things about me and always putting me down. Giving me the silent treatment for days when he’s angry with me.

Your husband sounds abusive.

Most of all he sounds insecure, which may explain his behaviour. But let's not confuse "explain" with "excuse". He sounds abusive. Period. 

19 hours ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

I don’t think I can live like this for the rest of my life but I’m a Christian and I made a promise before God so I feel I need to stay in this marriage. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Maybe I can offer some insights here.

In many churches, we are taught that divorce is sinful and bad and Christians should never engage in divorce. From your writing I sense you may have grown up with that line of teaching. I believe that this strict point of view may be an oversimplification of the Bible as well as dangerous to women.

 

One thing to consider is that we live in a broken world, where sometimes virtues and sins can conflict. The Bible may show a clear picture of what a righteous world should look like, it is by no means a turn by turn navigation on how to get there from the swamps of this world. Virtues and sins do seem to have a certain order. This concept is not very common in Christianity, but in Judaism it is. There is a commonly held understanding that protecting human life is a higher mitzvah (Jewish word, translates to "commandment") than others. From that perspective, sin can be excused if it is committed in the pursuit of a higher commandment. For example: a Jew shouldn't put out a fire on Saturday, but he's allowed to do so if his house is on fire and lives are in danger. This moral principle is relevant in abusive marriages too. If your safety is in danger, the good deed of protecting yourself by leaving may outweigh the bad deed of leaving your husband. I strongly advise against staying in a marriage if it is unsafe.

 

Also, the Biblical teaching on divorce provides much more nuance that you might think. I would like to recommend the book "Biblical Divorce and Remarriage" by Joseph John Bowman. I believe that the writer does a great job at contextualizing the relevant Biblical texts and makes a Blblically sound case for a more liberal view on the topic.

 

 

 

[Will am I]

20 hours ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

He wouldn’t go to counseling and no he’s not a Christian 

This is an interesting fact. Or actually, two interesting facts. Both address your sense of guilt.

 

Part 1: he wouldn't go to counseling.

If he's not committed to the marriage enough to try counseling, how fair is it that you would entirely blame yourself for the failure of the marriage? After all: marriages can only work if both parties commit. 

 

Part 2: he's not a Christian.

This calls for a religious answer.

2nd Corinthians 6:14:

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

1st Corinthians 7:12-15:

"To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. [...]"

 

So you got yourself in a bad situation by marrying him, and unfortunately the teaching in 1st Corinthians does not tell you it;s simply OK to leave. So what can you do?

My advice would be to toughen up and put an end to all the boundary crossing behaviour from your husband. Your husband putting you down in public, do not accept it, talk back. Him taking your money? No more of that. Get your own bank account and have your paychecks deposited there. Work on your independence and dignity as a woman. This change of pace will force a pivot point in your marriage.

Three possible outcomes:

1. He gets use to the "new you" (the strong, independent woman) and there will be a marriage with better boundaries and more respect.

2. He gets increasingly abusive and maybe violent. At what point you have all the reason to leave, see my previous answer.

3. He doesn't like his wife to be strong and independent and walks out (either leaving you or through infidelity).

So one outcome would improve your marriage whereas the other two would set you free. It's a bold move to make but the outcomes are reasonably good.

 

  

 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Then it's time for an annulment. Was this an arranged marriage? Frankly he sounds like a scammer. 

My thoughts as well. 

OP, have you ever met in person?  Spent time together in person? 

You need to be smart here and protect yourself. 

There is nothing good or positive about any of this and again advise that you speak with your pastor immediately and seek an annulment assp.

I'm curious to know your thoughts about this and why you have not done this. 

 

[poppyfields]

13 hours ago, SassyRedhead88 said:

No we didn’t  live together before we got married and we still don’t because we are in a long distance marriage. 

The only problem we have with money is that he thinks it all belongs to him. 

I hope you haven't been sending him money and if you have, please STOP.

Does he have access to your bank account?  If so, change your account info. 

Consider going to the police, he may have a rap sheet. 

You must know this isn't normal by any stretch and he's most likely a con artist. 

Watch "Dirty John" Season 1.  True story about this very thing, except they actually lived together. 

She lost thousands and thousands of dollars, I would hate to see that happen to you. 

I won't judge you for marrying a man you haven't met or live with, but it might be worth your while to seek counseling to determine why you allowed yourself to get bamboozled like this. 

Good luck..

 

 

Edited September 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[SassyRedhead88]

No I’m not sending him money and he doesn’t have access to my bank account. I have met him in person. The reason we are not living together at the moment is because we are waiting for his visa to get approved. If, and when he gets here, we will not be sharing a bank account.