Breakup after 5 years, ex cheated on me and now dates the woman he cheated on me with

[Laney]

My ex boyfriend and I were together for nearly 5 years, I am 31, he is 32 -- we just moved in together last september. I found out he was cheating on me in january since last september.. with his boss.. He never did the whole begging for me back when I found out because he couldn't face any of it, he moved out and just kept pursuing her. Started to believe he was a narc with the manipulation and lies he was telling me. He came back a few times and attempted to hang out and reconcile, but all 3x now, I found out that he was still with her. We had a big blowout this past weekend when he and I went to dinner where he told me he had broken up with her. Only to find out that it wasn't true. I am completely heartbroken as I wanted to believe him this last time, and just to find out he hurt me all over again. I had my hopes up that things would start to turn around, and she was all one big mistake. He is an avoidant, and I know in the beginning he admittedly avoiding facing his mistakes, and because he worked with her, he just ran with it and things snowballed. At least that's what he said. Now that her and I have exchanged everything he has been saying between the two of us as of this week, he has cut of all contact with me to "prove" to her that she is the one he loves. We split 7 months ago after 5 years... how can he be soo in love with another woman that quickly? Telling her he wants to marry her, have her children, etc? Yet his mother does not even know about her, because he is ashamed to tell his mother that he cheated on me and now dates this girl. I am having an extremely difficult time moving on and letting go entirely because they are two terrible human beings, and I try to think that karma will eventually catch up to them. I feel like this was the ultimate betrayal, I was in deep depression of course for a few months when I was going crazy thinking if he was cheating on me. And now that he actually dates her, I am heartbroken. Tips on how to get over it? Advice? Anything!

[stillafool]

Welcome to LoveShack Laney.  I'm so sorry I can only imagine how painful this is for you.  How old are you, him and his boss and how long has he been working there?  Have you been the one initiated dates and contact or has he?  It sounds like he's at a point where if he breaks his bosses heart he might lose his job; but then again he could have serious feelings for her.  What have you and the boss discussed and does he know about it?  I would distance myself from him completely and let him make a final choice.

[glows]

5 hours ago, Laney said:

My ex boyfriend and I were together for nearly 5 years, I am 31, he is 32 -- we just moved in together last september. I found out he was cheating on me in january since last september.. with his boss.. He never did the whole begging for me back when I found out because he couldn't face any of it, he moved out and just kept pursuing her. Started to believe he was a narc with the manipulation and lies he was telling me. He came back a few times and attempted to hang out and reconcile, but all 3x now, I found out that he was still with her. We had a big blowout this past weekend when he and I went to dinner where he told me he had broken up with her. Only to find out that it wasn't true. I am completely heartbroken as I wanted to believe him this last time, and just to find out he hurt me all over again. I had my hopes up that things would start to turn around, and she was all one big mistake. He is an avoidant, and I know in the beginning he admittedly avoiding facing his mistakes, and because he worked with her, he just ran with it and things snowballed. At least that's what he said. Now that her and I have exchanged everything he has been saying between the two of us as of this week, he has cut of all contact with me to "prove" to her that she is the one he loves. We split 7 months ago after 5 years... how can he be soo in love with another woman that quickly? Telling her he wants to marry her, have her children, etc? Yet his mother does not even know about her, because he is ashamed to tell his mother that he cheated on me and now dates this girl. I am having an extremely difficult time moving on and letting go entirely because they are two terrible human beings, and I try to think that karma will eventually catch up to them. I feel like this was the ultimate betrayal, I was in deep depression of course for a few months when I was going crazy thinking if he was cheating on me. And now that he actually dates her, I am heartbroken. Tips on how to get over it? Advice? Anything!

All this has showed you he isn’t trustworthy. You get over it by distancing yourself and blocking his attempts to contact you again. Don’t leave yourself open to reconciliation because it didn’t work and it hasn’t worked. You’ll likely always be looking over your shoulder and wondering what he’s doing behind your back. As he works with this person they’re still seeing each other. You can’t change that. What you can do is address it and his constant betrayal and create clearer boundaries for yourself. This means ending communication with him and letting go permanently. Don’t keep repeating the same mistakes over again.

Edited September 26, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Laney said:

had my hopes up that things would start to turn around, and she was all one big mistake

As you are seeing, this wasn't one big mistake. 

It was a series of deliberate, conscious deceptive choices. He chose to lie to you for a long time, and he's continued to lie to you. He chose to betray you and do many things that risked your entire relationship and your emotional well-being. That was no mistake on his part. That was very intentional behaviour. 

I am very sorry this has happened. Wondering how he's so smitten with her doesn't get you anywhere, though I realize it's easy to fall into those swirling and painful thoughts. But know this - his cheating is not a reflection on you. It's time to cut him off completely, forever.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Laney said:

- we just moved in together last september. I found out he was cheating on me in january since last september.. , he moved out 

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. Be glad this dog is out of your house. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.