He is indecisive between me and other woman

[Msblueeyez]

59 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

The crux is how he got hurt.

 

with you he saw you leave and fears you will leave again.

Yes might be the case. His ex left him and he might think I am the same.

[Msblueeyez]

24 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why would you choose to be FWB with him?  What is in that for you?  You are going to be feeling rejected (because you were, in fact, rejected) every day.  Why would you do that to yourself?

A "casual" relationship works between 2 people who want a casual relationship.  You are already asking for "something more" and discussing all of this with his cousin (STOP that, it's out of line in  a huge way).  Not going to be fun for you.  

I don’t feel I was rejected. We just started to want different things.

[Ami1uwant]

12 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

Yes might be the case. His ex left him and he might think I am the same.

As you said you went away for a few months.  He does not know if you will do that again.

 

there are many who won’t touch LDRs

[Msblueeyez]

13 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

As you said you went away for a few months.  He does not know if you will do that again.

 

there are many who won’t touch LDRs

It was a course, I am not supposed to go again.

[glows]

36 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

Yes I do have feelings for him. Feelings is not something you can control, it’s either there or not.

But that doesn’t seem I am blind to things and I am starting to see how he feels due to his past relationship and I am not sure anymore I want a relationship with him. At least not now.

I might see him casually yes but date others too.

Seems like you’re very aware and also pulling back. It’s difficult to distance yourself from someone you care about. It’s good you realize or get the sense he’s not someone you necessarily want a relationship with. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Msblueeyez said:

 So I understand how he feels and I wonder if I leave him he’ll think I am the same.

You can't leave him if you're not even dating him, OP. 

Be careful not to play tricks with yourself to give yourself a reason to hang around. He's been clear he doesn't want a relationship. If you opt out of seeing him even casually, it is in no way the same as his ex cheating and leaving him.

I think you are the who stands to get hurt the most here, not him. 

[introverted1]

5 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

 he said the reason he doesn’t want a serious relationship was because it was really hurt by a past relationship that ended in the beginning of this year when we met.

 

2 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

His ex left him and he might think I am the same.

 

2 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

I understand how he feels and I wonder if I leave him he’ll think I am the same.

It sounds very much as though you are trying to convince yourself that all he needs is the love of a good woman, and the reassurance that she won't leave as his ex did.

When men do this, it's called white knight syndrome.  I am not sure what the name is for women who believe they can rescue men, but I'd advise against it. 

If he is still damaged from whatever his ex did, he needs therapy, not a new relationship.

[poppyfields]

57 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

It sounds very much as though you are trying to convince yourself that all he needs is the love of a good woman, and the reassurance that she won't leave as his ex did.

I agree with this^ and it's one of the biggest mistakes a woman could ever make with an ambivalent, unavailable man who's not interested in a relationship or commitment - with a particular woman, namely you OP (sorry).

It's a HUGE manipulation.

OP, he's not "scared" of anything including getting hurt or anything else, what a load of *.

He's a player, and he's playing you, period end of.

That said there are men (and women) who have issues/fears surrounding relationships/ commitment but they do NOT behave like he is. 

He's manipulating you into believing he's "scared'" of getting hurt to keep you around while he's free to pursue other women and still have you pining away for him serving his needs (sex) and anything else he wants from you whenever it suits his purpose.  

Please don't fall for this, be smarter than that. 

Incorporate logic into your thought process and don't allow your emotions to steer this ship, it would be a big mistake, imho.  

All the best moving forward, ideally without him. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[Msblueeyez]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

 

 

It sounds very much as though you are trying to convince yourself that all he needs is the love of a good woman, and the reassurance that she won't leave as his ex did.

When men do this, it's called white knight syndrome.  I am not sure what the name is for women who believe they can rescue men, but I'd advise against it. 

If he is still damaged from whatever his ex did, he needs therapy, not a new relationship.

I don’t think I have to save him through ‘the love of a good woman’. I just like him and like to be around him.

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

I don’t think I have to save him through ‘the love of a good woman’. I just like him and like to be around him.

Proceed at your own risk, in that case.  He's already said his interest is in a FWB, not a relationship.  Nothing wrong with FWB, though, if that is what you are after, too.

Good luck. 

[Msblueeyez]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with this^ and it's one of the biggest mistakes a woman could ever make with an ambivalent, unavailable man who's not interested in a relationship or commitment - with a particular woman, namely you OP (sorry).

It's a HUGE manipulation.

OP, he's not "scared" of anything including getting hurt or anything else, what a load of *.

He's a player, and he's playing you, period end of.

That said there are men (and women) who have issues/fears surrounding relationships/ commitment but they do NOT behave like he is. 

He's manipulating you into believing he's "scared'" of getting hurt to keep you around while he's free to pursue other women and still have you pining away for him serving his needs (sex) and anything else he wants from you whenever it suits his purpose.  

Please don't fall for this, be smarter than that. 

Incorporate logic into your thought process and don't allow your emotions to steer this ship, it would be a big mistake, imho.  

All the best moving forward, ideally without him. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know how it sounds from the outside but he is not a player and is not manipulating me. He was being sincere, even if it doesn’t sound like it.

To be honest I don’t want to move forward without him but I also don’t want a relationship with him like this.

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

I know how it sounds from the outside but he is not a player and is not manipulating me. He was being sincere, even if it doesn’t sound like it.

To be honest I don’t want to move forward without him but I also don’t want a relationship with him like this.

Well, love is blind as they say and of course your feelings such as they are, you want to see the good in him and believe he's sincere. 

I understand, I've been there too. 

It did not end well but I learned, so that part was good.  

Good luck.  

Edited September 27, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

23 minutes ago, Msblueeyez said:

I know how it sounds from the outside but he is not a player and is not manipulating me. He was being sincere, even if it doesn’t sound like it.

To be honest I don’t want to move forward without him but I also don’t want a relationship with him like this.

Frankly it sounds like it’ll fade out and run its course on its own. Nothing to do here, enjoy the company but know your limits and it seems you do.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Msblueeyez said:

I also don’t want a relationship with him like this.

That's all he's offering. It's like walking into a bakery and getting upset that they are not selling shoes. You and an exclusive relationship, he does not. You need to respect that.

[Rider on the Storm]

9 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

Thank you all for your replies.

Ok so I talked to him today and he said the reason he doesn’t want a serious relationship was because it was really hurt by a past relationship that ended in the beginning of this year when we met.

He admitted to like me but is having many fears around a relationship. 

He seemed sincere. I guess now is up to me to continue seeing him casually or just move on and let him heal.

He might seem sincere, but often times when a guy doesn't want a serious relationship because he was "hurt by a past relationship" that's just code for he likes you enough to sleep with you, but doesn't want to commit to anything more than that.

We all have our past relationship heartaches. If he's truly into you, he would be opened to more than just FWB. Don't buy it.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

10 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

Thank you all for your replies.

Ok so I talked to him today and he said the reason he doesn’t want a serious relationship was because it was really hurt by a past relationship that ended in the beginning of this year when we met.

He admitted to like me but is having many fears around a relationship. 

He seemed sincere. I guess now is up to me to continue seeing him casually or just move on and let him heal.

You do realize what seeing him casually means, right?

He is not committed to you and therefore can be with or play with anybody he wants with no regard to your feelings.  You on the other hand have feelings for him so what happens when you SEE that he is with another?  You will be DEVASTATED.  We see it on these boards all the time.  So go right ahead and do it to yourself.  

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

I don’t feel I was rejected. We just started to want different things.

OK.  You wanted to be in a relationship, and let him know.  He wanted FWB and / or to possibly choose a different woman (for a relationship?  or for FWB?  whatever).  Many people in your position would have experienced that as a rejection.  I would.  It doesn't really matter though.   I still don't see why you would want to have any part in this.  Sounds like a mess. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

To be honest I don’t want to move forward without him but I also don’t want a relationship with him like this.

Well then, you have to end it. If this is what he is offering and you don’t want a relationship with him and this, the only result is that you are going to be hurt and disappointed. 

When a man tells you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you - believe him. Women would save themselves so much time and trouble if they would simply believe him. 

Don’t sacrifice your dignity and your happiness to keep him around with the hope that he will change his mind… because if another woman comes along that he wants to date, you know what’s going to happen… 

You are worth more than this. 

Edited September 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

To be honest I don’t want to move forward without him but I also don’t want a relationship with him like this.

Then step back and don't see him casually. 

This is  all he is offering. And it will hurt really badly if he also starts seeing someone else causally, too.  It would be foolish to believe this won't happen. 

[Alpacalia]

No matter what his reasons are for not wanting to get into a relationship, he has been forthright about having some stuff to work out. Trying to ease his fears regarding his cheating ex is not really your responsibility.

Don't force him to be in a relationship with you if he isn't interested. In the end, you will only hurt yourself.

[Acacia98]

14 hours ago, Msblueeyez said:

So I understand how he feels and I wonder if I leave him he’ll think I am the same.

Honestly, if your ending the casual hookups makes him think you're just like the girlfriend who left him, then he's too broken to be seeing anybody, casually or otherwise. He needs to take time to heal.

Be careful. You sound like the sort of person who might sympathize so deeply with someone else that you end up sacrificing your own needs for his. I may be wrong of course. I don't know you in person. But if there's the slightest chance that I'm right, just remember that staying with him out of sympathy would do both you and him more harm than good.

[smackie9]

If a guy really wanted to have a relationship with you he wouldn't let anything get in the way. It's just a convenient excuse. You don't see it because your feelings are clouding your vision. This is what we are here for.....to wipe the steam off the glass. 

[NuevoYorko]

Frankly, what he thinks and how he feels about things is none of your concern.  

My impression is that you are living inside your own head about this and making up stories to tell yourself.  

You went on a few dates with him, it was casual, and it went on for TWO MONTHS.   

Then you were gone and didn't talk to him at all for "a few" months.

Finally, a cousin of his spoke out of turn.

Now you say you "don't want to go forward without him" but in reality, you have no idea what it would be like to be WITH him.  He's not interested in being with you in any serious way.  

It's not healthy for you to be spinning yarns about this.   Just stick to basics:  You like him, but there's nothing really there to build on.   Wish him well (inside your head - no reason to talk to him) and carry on.

[poppyfields]

Agree with everything others have posted, but will add this. 

If you care at all about what HE thinks of you (which you shouldn't really but it's human when we have feelings for that person), be aware that by sticking around, acquiescing to his frame (casual, FWB), when he knows you want more, he is losing respect for you.  

He may see you as desperate even delusional, as a woman who does NOT respect herself! 

A woman who did respect herself would say NO to this, and HE knows it!   Please don't kid yourself about that. 

And no man, no person, will ever respect you if you don't first respect yourself and love yourself first. 

Bottom line, you're not scoring any points by sticking around, you're losing points.

It's the exact opposite of what you believe and what he is leading you to believe. 

As I said previously, it's a manipulation and this may sound harsh but when he thinks of you and talks about you with his friends, he (and they including the cousin who told you a story) may even be laughing at you, at how desperate and delusional you are, I'm so sorry to say that.

So I hope you will reconsider this arrangement.

There is nothing good or positive about any of this and will only serve to lower what appears to be an already shaky sense of self. 

I'm sorry. 

 

 

Edited September 28, 2022 by poppyfields