Still thinking about ex of 9-year relationship.

[lovesbooks]

We broke up this past March.  After 5-months of blocking him, I called to check on him.  He was okay and I left it at that.  He's called since and I answer but will not agree to meeting up again. He is not the one I need.  He would be a last-minute date breaker and the last straw was when he didn't show up for my mother's funeral although he was invited.  This was a 9-year relationship.  He is 10 years my senior which was not the problem.  We had no intimacy save for one Saturday morning at the beginning of the relationship.  Why did I stay?  I had mad chemistry with him, and I loved him. I still do.  He once said to me that he wouldn't mind being married to me.  That's not the way you want someone to express marital issues.  I am not young anymore, but I want someone who is more emotionally developed and available.  He is neither.  Despite his ability to get back with me over years like a cat squeezing through a fence, I want more. He keeps telling me I should call him if I think of something we can do together.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Our last date was a Valentine's Day gift from me to him in the form of a Broadway play.  He threw me money in the cab to buy flowers.  I think I need another man even at my age.  I hate the idea of OLD but...

[stillafool]

Your mistake was to contact him after the 5 months of blocking.  As you can see nothing has changed.  It's best to let sleeping dogs ly.  You can find another man you just have to put yourself out there.

[AdvisorDJ]

You state that you need another man, not him.  Done. 

That does not mean you do not grieve, even when you know it was never right and was never going to be right.  I have been there, done that, and with regard to my ex, I may still be there to some extent.  We may never heal completely, so maybe we hope it scars over and the scar fades with time.  

As to how you grieve, get out, and do things.  A busy mind grieves, just not consciously all the time.  Sounds like you are in the NY area, where I have lived but before COVID, but still there cannot be a lack of things to do.  

If you are serious about finding someone new, then really get out and be places where you can run into Mr. Right.  Do things you find interesting and which men also find interesting.  

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, lovesbooks said:

I called to check on him. I want someone who is more emotionally developed and available.  He is neither.  

I would delete and block him from all your social media, messaging apps, devices and contact lists. You did well with no contact, but something inspired you to contact him. You already know after 9 years together he will never change and become who you need or wish he were. Try not to get so lonely that you backslide into something that never worked.

You may hate OLD, but it wouldn't hurt to get a good profile and pics on some quality apps and start talking to and meeting men for a coffee/drink. Also join some groups and clubs, take some classes and courses, volunteer, do stuff that gets you  out and mingling with other people.

[Alpacalia]

My condolences to you on the passing of your mother. I hope you were surrounded by the most important people who love and care about you and understand what you want and need more than this schlub does.