I hurt him, and want him back. Should I contact him?

[Confused5433]

I dated this younger guy for a month. We saw each other a total of 10 dates and the dates were so intense, so much fun and very passionate. He made all the effort, never cancelled, always willing to see me. He was sweet, so affectionate, put in the distance and time to see me, planned dates and if I asked about something I wanted by next date he was making that effort. My feelings for him where starting to grow, the only issue was that he was moving fast in the physical intimacy side, and I didn’t feel comfortable to sleep with him just yet.

He made many sexual moves starting on date 2, and respected my boundaries when I would say no and we had a conversation about it. He wanted a relationship and of course physical intimacy. My style of dating is to take it slow, by week 2 he didn’t want to just see me weekends but also weekdays. I agreed to just one day during the week. He eventually came to my place, but always respected my boundaries. On the night that he was going to ask me to be his gf, he escalated sexually and when I paused him, I said the words that changed everything in his mind. I told him I wasn’t ready (which he understood) but that I felt something was missing in the relationship with respect to our emotional connection. The truth is, I felt deep down that his intentions were more sexual than getting to know me more. He did try to have deeper conversations, but I mostly initiate those. We never talked over the phone in between dates, mostly texts. And he got tested by week 3, and expected me to get birth control pills because he knew I wanted to be safe if we got intimate and that’s what I required. He never made me feel pressure when we were together but in a way I felt I was letting him down. I felt he still didn’t know me enough to make me his gf, but his feeling for me were growing faster and maybe his hormones too. 
He was cold with me that night I shared my feelings and by the next morning he texted me that I had hurt his feelings and he had planned to ask me to be his gf. I tried to explain what I meant, that it wasn’t I didn’t feel any emotional connection, but that something felt missing. but in his mind he was convinced I would never be ready to be in a committed relationship with him. I tried to convince him to talk to me over the phone, but he refused. He saw no point on seeing each other again. I told him that my intent was not to hurt him, but be honest and work together on this issue. He was really hurt, and though that everything he did meant nothing to me and didn’t see the point on us talking. I reassured him that all his effort was so valuable to me, and that it meant so much, he meant so much. I tried to explain to him that he misinterpreted what I said, but it was too late. He let me go via text and I let him go too, we ended things amicably and he even wished for me to find a man that would fulfill my emotional connection needs. 
That was painful! 
The next night, he texted me a heartbreak song and I like it and asked why he send me that video. He never replied and it has been 2 months of no contact. 
I miss him more than ever, and after looking back at our text exchange, he really tried to reach out more, send me random sweet messages, and really did make an effort just not in the way I wanted, but in his own way of forming this emotional connection, he wanted us to be in a relationship. He was sure we were growing in all aspects of this relationship, and that’s why he wanted to formalize. I would like to reach out to him, but should I? Should I just leave things as they are or see if we still have a chance? Did I totally mess it up by being honest and sharing my feelings? What should I do? 

Edited September 27, 2022 by Confused5433

[basil67]

Kindly, what is the point of trying to restart this if there was "something missing" the first time around?   And the other problem being that the two of you were so very different with being ready for sexual intimacy?   

You didn't mess it up by being honest.  Rather, your honesty showed him that you were on completely different pages to each other.   He was wanting more than you were ready for and you weren't meeting his needs.    

 

Edited September 27, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, Confused5433 said:

I told him that my intent was not to hurt him, but be honest and work together on this issue.

When you've only dated a month and there are already issues to work on, you're dating the wrong person. 

Listen to the gut instinct that was telling you that this man wasn't right for you. It is quite clear reading your post that you two are not compatible. It may have felt nice to be so desired, but I don't get the sense you feel that way about him.

I would not try to revive this. You two are too different. 

 

[Confused5433]

Hi @basil67 thank you for your reply. The point is we can work on that, I know that if we communicated more in between dates and had more conversation via phone when we couldn’t see each other, I would feel more connected to him. Just like he wanted to see me more than weekends by week 2, I adjusted and accepted to see him more which I normally wouldn’t do until maybe after a month. 
And yes we weren’t on the same page sexually, but for me to feel fully comfortable I was asking for him to in simplest terms talk to me more, get to know me more, not just when we saw each other, which eventually turned into make out sessions because the physical attraction was 100% there, but I just us to have that connection. I thought it was a reasonable concern, but he took it to another level and I feel terrible I hurt him. Besides, he has been the best guy I have dated in several years. He made me feel so loved, beautiful and like I was already his gf. Hard to let that go! 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Confused5433 said:

 I felt deep down that his intentions were more sexual than getting to know me more. 

It sounds like your instincts were correct. No don't reach out. It would be much better to find someone more mature and compatible. Anyone can send schmaltz for the purposes of seduction.

 

[stillafool]

I knnow you see this as a great love story but it reads to me that he was more interested in sex and using the "girlfriend" talk to get it.  What is the difference in your ages?

[glows]

7 hours ago, Confused5433 said:

I dated this younger guy for a month. We saw each other a total of 10 dates and the dates were so intense, so much fun and very passionate. He made all the effort, never cancelled, always willing to see me. He was sweet, so affectionate, put in the distance and time to see me, planned dates and if I asked about something I wanted by next date he was making that effort. My feelings for him where starting to grow, the only issue was that he was moving fast in the physical intimacy side, and I didn’t feel comfortable to sleep with him just yet.

He made many sexual moves starting on date 2, and respected my boundaries when I would say no and we had a conversation about it. He wanted a relationship and of course physical intimacy. My style of dating is to take it slow, by week 2 he didn’t want to just see me weekends but also weekdays. I agreed to just one day during the week. He eventually came to my place, but always respected my boundaries. On the night that he was going to ask me to be his gf, he escalated sexually and when I paused him, I said the words that changed everything in his mind. I told him I wasn’t ready (which he understood) but that I felt something was missing in the relationship with respect to our emotional connection. The truth is, I felt deep down that his intentions were more sexual than getting to know me more. He did try to have deeper conversations, but I mostly initiate those. We never talked over the phone in between dates, mostly texts. And he got tested by week 3, and expected me to get birth control pills because he knew I wanted to be safe if we got intimate and that’s what I required. He never made me feel pressure when we were together but in a way I felt I was letting him down. I felt he still didn’t know me enough to make me his gf, but his feeling for me were growing faster and maybe his hormones too. 
He was cold with me that night I shared my feelings and by the next morning he texted me that I had hurt his feelings and he had planned to ask me to be his gf. I tried to explain what I meant, that it wasn’t I didn’t feel any emotional connection, but that something felt missing. but in his mind he was convinced I would never be ready to be in a committed relationship with him. I tried to convince him to talk to me over the phone, but he refused. He saw no point on seeing each other again. I told him that my intent was not to hurt him, but be honest and work together on this issue. He was really hurt, and though that everything he did meant nothing to me and didn’t see the point on us talking. I reassured him that all his effort was so valuable to me, and that it meant so much, he meant so much. I tried to explain to him that he misinterpreted what I said, but it was too late. He let me go via text and I let him go too, we ended things amicably and he even wished for me to find a man that would fulfill my emotional connection needs. 
That was painful! 
The next night, he texted me a heartbreak song and I like it and asked why he send me that video. He never replied and it has been 2 months of no contact. 
I miss him more than ever, and after looking back at our text exchange, he really tried to reach out more, send me random sweet messages, and really did make an effort just not in the way I wanted, but in his own way of forming this emotional connection, he wanted us to be in a relationship. He was sure we were growing in all aspects of this relationship, and that’s why he wanted to formalize. I would like to reach out to him, but should I? Should I just leave things as they are or see if we still have a chance? Did I totally mess it up by being honest and sharing my feelings? What should I do? 

Leave things as they are. Just reading about your experience sounds uncomfortable and suffocating. You’re on different wavelengths. This was too dramatic and involved for such a short period of time. I don’t think this would have improved. 

[Confused5433]

39 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I knnow you see this as a great love story but it reads to me that he was more interested in sex and using the "girlfriend" talk to get it.  What is the difference in your ages?

@stillafoolWe are 9 years apart and both of our birthdays are coming up next month. I was considering to send him a birthday text, but mine comes first and let’s see if he does reaches our first. It’s just hard to let go of someone that had all the intention of commitment while I hesitated. He did move fast which I think cause me to doubt and fear of his intentions were genuine. But when he became so upset and hurt about me feeling that something was missing, I realized maybe he was being genuine and even told me he was attached to me at all levels, and he was hurt that I had no emotional connection to him after all the time we spend together. Maybe it was his way to ease leaving me or maybe he really did feel that. I think it was the second reason, and he was hurt with purpose thinking all he did meant nothing to me 

how would you feel and react if someone  you dated for a month told you that? That something felt missing but not that they had no emotional connection? 

Edited September 27, 2022 by Confused5433

[glows]

18 minutes ago, Confused5433 said:

@stillafoolWe are 9 years apart and both of our birthdays are coming up next month. I was considering to send him a birthday text, but mine comes first and let’s see if he does reaches our first. It’s just hard to let go of someone that had all the intention of commitment while I hesitated. He did move fast which I think cause me to doubt and fear of his intentions were genuine. But when he became so upset and hurt about me feeling that something was missing, I realized maybe he was being genuine and even told me he was attached to me at all levels, and he was hurt that I had no emotional connection to him after all the time we spend together. Maybe it was his way to ease leaving me or maybe he really did feel that. I think it was the second reason, and he was hurt with purpose thinking all he did meant nothing to me 

how would you feel and react if someone  you dated for a month told you that? That something felt missing but not that they had no emotional connection? 

You weren’t comfortable with him to start but liked the attention. And still drawn to that kind of attention that didn’t work the first time around. I’m curious why a person has to get upset in order to convince you he’s sincere? If you’re usually drawn to push/pull dysfunctional dynamics this could hold you back from finding a relationship that’s a lot more fulfilling. I’m sorry you’re feeling conflicted. I don’t think this will work but half of that has to do with what you’re pulled or drawn to also. 

[mark clemson]

Let him go. Some men are fine with taking it slow, but many are not. He may have really like you (or possibly not) but your gut sense about his intentions and/or your "pacing style" kept him at bay. He's probably moved on to what are (in his view) greener pastures.

IF he comes back to you on his own, maybe see if you can restart things, but I'd say DON'T "wait for him" as I suspect this is a quite low probability (perhaps 2-5%, if that) AND there's no guarantee thinks will work out well if he does.

Time to move on IMO. This MAY have all been love bombing anyway...

[introverted1]

48 minutes ago, Confused5433 said:

how would you feel and react if someone  you dated for a month told you that? That something felt missing but not that they had no emotional connection? 

If, after 10 dates, someone told me something was missing and that they had no emotional connection, I would consider it futile to continue.  There should be something more than just physical attraction even at that early stage. 

Let him go.  He wasn't what you wanted and this idea that you can "work together on this issue" (read: get him to conform to your desires) is something reserved for established relationships you are trying to save, not one that never got off the ground.

[Lotsgoingon]

How in the world did you "hurt" him? That's ridiculous. 

Save "hurt" for lying, stealing, tricking, slapping, hitting, pushing, punching, demeaning, humiliating, robbing, injuring, violently breaking a leg or bone or inflicting a face injury and so on. 

You are falling for his manipulative con game to actually believe his claim that he was "hurt" that you didn't want to have immediate sex. If he was legitimately hurt, then he's psychologically warped and damaged. No reasonable  human being thinks that they have been hurt because their new partner (not even committed) wants to go slower on sex in the first weeks. That's preposterous and absurd. 

I could gather a jury of 100 people, men and women of all ages and put this scenario to them. And I'd be surprised if even one them thought that you "hurt" him. He used this word purely to manipulate you--and it apparently worked. You're feeling guilty somehow.

The ultimate irony: this guy is probably out there having sex with the next woman who was less assertive than you. He's not even thinking of you, but if you reach out, he'll come calling and he'll demand sex right away. And then you'll barely hear from him. 

Now you are sitting on the truth. Trust yourself! Here's the truth:

The truth is, I felt deep down that his intentions were more sexual than getting to know me more. He did try to have deeper conversations, but I mostly initiate those. We never talked over the phone in between dates, mostly texts.

[Confused5433]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

How in the world did you "hurt" him? That's ridiculous. 

Save "hurt" for lying, stealing, tricking, slapping, hitting, pushing, punching, demeaning, humiliating, robbing, injuring, violently breaking a leg or bone or inflicting a face injury and so on. 

You are falling for his manipulative con game to actually believe his claim that he was "hurt" that you didn't want to have immediate sex. If he was legitimately hurt, then he's psychologically warped and damaged. No reasonable  human being thinks that they have been hurt because their new partner (not even committed) wants to go slower on sex in the first weeks. That's preposterous and absurd. 

I could gather a jury of 100 people, men and women of all ages and put this scenario to them. And I'd be surprised if even one them thought that you "hurt" him. He used this word purely to manipulate you--and it apparently worked. You're feeling guilty somehow.

The ultimate irony: this guy is probably out there having sex with the next woman who was less assertive than you. He's not even thinking of you, but if you reach out, he'll come calling and he'll demand sex right away. And then you'll barely hear from him. 

Now you are sitting on the truth. Trust yourself! Here's the truth:

The truth is, I felt deep down that his intentions were more sexual than getting to know me more. He did try to have deeper conversations, but I mostly initiate those. We never talked over the phone in between dates, mostly texts.

Thank you @Lotsgoingonfor your comment. He wasn’t hurt because I didn’t have sex with him, he was hurt because I told him I felt something missing wit us in the emotional intimacy. He was going to ask me to be his gf that night but I brought it up and what he heard was that I had NO emotional connection with him. He was upset and hurt about that, but I did have emotional connection with him in many levels, however I felt he was rushing to make me his woman and wanting to be more intimate , but we still needed to know each other more. We never had phone conversation and that really bothered me, the text in between dates were a little shallow, and maybe I should just have said that instead of something missing because that really hurt him. He thought he put so much effort catering to me and I still  I had no emotional connection after a month, but that was not true. I reassured him and tried to clarify what I meant, but he was convinced I ne we would. As far as waiting for sex he understood and was patient and respectful. 
 

How would you feel if this happened to you? 

[Confused5433]

6 hours ago, introverted1 said:

If, after 10 dates, someone told me something was missing and that they had no emotional connection, I would consider it futile to continue.  There should be something more than just physical attraction even at that early stage. 

Let him go.  He wasn't what you wanted and this idea that you can "work together on this issue" (read: get him to conform to your desires) is something reserved for established relationships you are trying to save, not one that never got off the ground.

I did feel a connection with him, I still do. It’s just that I felt there was substance missing, he wasn’t getting to know me more, I would volunteer Information and I was the one always wanting to learn more about him than he of me. He never even asked my last name. I just felt like the chemistry was there, physical attraction 100%, we had fun together, loved to explore hang out, we enjoyed every moment with each other, but I needed to feel like he wanted to really get to know me more and not just enjoy our company. I think if he didn’t pursue the physical a little aggressive from the beginning, I would have felt more comfortable and maybe even initiated sex earlier, but something inside made me feel uneasy and I wanted him to realize and understand. I thought he would adjust like he had with other requests, but instead he thought I had no connection to him and I can see how that can hurt if he already had feelings for me. I look back and sometime I think, should not have shared that and kept it to myself, maybe figured out another way for him to make me feel emotionally closer to him, and he would have tried lien before to please me, that’s why it makes me sad, he was a good guy and wished it would have worked out. Or maybe I was just fooling myself? Either way he cut it short and we didn’t get the time to work through it. 

Edited September 27, 2022 by Confused5433

[Lotsgoingon]

If you felt something was missing, that's good that you spoke that. Overlooking that nagging feeling that something is missing NEVER works.

Same deal: it was not your job to pretend you felt fully connected. That he felt insulted, that's on him. He was going to ask you to be his gf that night. That's a line ... and a useless line because all stars point towards this guy wanting sex immediately. 

[DKT3]

Sounds like to tried to make him fit your Box, instead of enjoying what he was bringing to the table. Now you recognize what he was bringing. 

I'm guessing the message he received is that he wasn't good enough,  I dont think that was your intention but trying to continue it will still be an issue.  He doesn't fit your box and you can't make him.

Why are you questioning his motivation? His age?

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Confused5433 said:

I did feel a connection with him, I still do. It’s just that I felt there was substance missing, he wasn’t getting to know me more, I would volunteer Information and I was the one always wanting to learn more about him than he of me. He never even asked my last name. I just felt like the chemistry was there, physical attraction 100%, we had fun together, loved to explore hang out, we enjoyed every moment with each other, but I needed to feel like he wanted to really get to know me more and not just enjoy our company. I think if he didn’t pursue the physical a little aggressive from the beginning, I would have felt more comfortable and maybe even initiated sex earlier, but something inside made me feel uneasy and I wanted him to realize and understand. I thought he would adjust like he had with other requests, but instead he thought I had no connection to him and I can see how that can hurt if he already had feelings for me. I look back and sometime I think, should not have shared that and kept it to myself, maybe figured out another way for him to make me feel emotionally closer to him, and he would have tried lien before to please me, that’s why it makes me sad, he was a good guy and wished it would have worked out. Or maybe I was just fooling myself? Either way he cut it short and we didn’t get the time to work through it. 

Yes, you were fooling yourself.  

There was nothing to work though because this is who he is.   There are some people who while they can be very kind people, really suck at showing interest in other people.  He is one of them.   I will add that it was entirely appropriate for him to end this.  You weren't meeting his needs and he wasn't meeting yours.   He already knew that you weren't meeting his needs, and when he found out that you also had issues, it was the death knell. 

Early dating isn't about working through problems together.  Rather, it's about seeing if there is basic compatibility, and this one failed the test.

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, Confused5433 said:

Hi @basil67 thank you for your reply. The point is we can work on that, I know that if we communicated more in between dates and had more conversation via phone when we couldn’t see each other, I would feel more connected to him. 

Except, that is not the way this very short fling was happening.   He also sounds very immature and somewhat manipulative - all of his "hurt" stemmed from him not getting what he wanted, when and how he wanted it. 

Move on.

[LynneVicious]

Honestly by his reaction it sounds like he was more looking for sex and when he realized you weren’t going to give it up easily, he bailed. 

[Confused5433]

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Sounds like to tried to make him fit your Box, instead of enjoying what he was bringing to the table. Now you recognize what he was bringing. 

I'm guessing the message he received is that he wasn't good enough,  I dont think that was your intention but trying to continue it will still be an issue.  He doesn't fit your box and you can't make him.

Why are you questioning his motivation? His age?

 

Thanks for your input @DKT3 

I question his motivation because he was definitely very sexual by date 2 and one night on date 3, he wanted to come over and insisted but I told him I didn’t want to. He was moving too fast for me, and made me uncomfortable. He left that night a little upset but said it was because he wanted to spend more time with me, when our date lasted 6 hours. We talked after that and I think he realized that I was not going to put out so easily, he agreed to be more respectful to my boundaries and that’s when his pursuit was calmer physically, but he already had made me feel uneasy. I did want to be with him, but I wasn’t sure what his real motive at the beginning and it scared me a little, that’s when we also discussed that I wanted a real relationship and so did he. We decided to hang out more and spend more quality time on dates, which did happen and it was great, however those initial dates left an impression on me. And the fact that he tested by week 3, and asked about bc pills, also made me feel he wanted more sex than really know me more. Like I mentioned before, he never got to know my last name and already wanted physical intimacy and a relationship. That was the deterrent as to why I felt that lack of emotional connection. On the flip side, he adjusted pace, was so sweet, affectionate, seemed genuine and put more effort and was accommodating to all my requests, he seemed like he truly wanted to make me feel happy and safe. But I still had that feeling deep inside. Does that make sense?  He started off so aggressive that it left an impression on me. I just do feel I hurt him and he did develop feelings for me. I should have said things with more clarity like I’m writing now. Too late I guess. 

Edited September 28, 2022 by Confused5433

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Except, that is not the way this very short fling was happening.   

My point exactly

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Confused5433 said:

I should have said things with more clarity like I’m writing now. 

It wouldn't have helped   There's a world of difference between addressing issues in a long term relationship vs trying to change the communication of a guy you've only known for a month.  

Edited September 28, 2022 by basil67

[DKT3]

39 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Except, that is not the way this very short fling was happening.   He also sounds very immature and somewhat manipulative - all of his "hurt" stemmed from him not getting what he wanted, when and how he wanted it. 

Move on.

I believe he has already done that.

I honestly think she was being more manipulative than he. Yet I dont think either was really being manipulative.  She saw things that weren't working for her and wanted to change him, he saw something that wasn't working for him and opted out. Not really seeing a reason to be negative about either.  Just didn't and likely will never work for them.

[DKT3]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It wouldn't have helped   There's a world of difference between addressing issues in a long term relationship vs trying to change the communication of a guy you've only known for a month.  

I will never understand the need to mold people into what you want. 

[Confused5433]

30 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I believe he has already done that.

I honestly think she was being more manipulative than he. Yet I dont think either was really being manipulative.  She saw things that weren't working for her and wanted to change him, he saw something that wasn't working for him and opted out. Not really seeing a reason to be negative about either.  Just didn't and likely will never work for them.

Thank you for this feedback @DKT3 I honestly had not considered I could be manipulative. I believe in communication and honesty, and yes if something didn’t feel right I would share. I thought this was the best way to form a good healthy relationship, and based on his reaction previously, he was willing to work with me, but I never tried to intentionally manipulate. Just reading your response now makes me question if maybe that’s what he felt and didn’t feel I valued him. That’s so sad, because that’s why he decided so easily to leave, and I never willingly wanted to make him feeL that way, I just wanted us to build a healthy and safe space to communicate our needs, fears, etc. now you really got me thinking about my actions and how I could have really hurt him. 
 

Im also looking for an excuse to reach out to him, but after reading all these responses. I decided I won’t. 
 

and also molding someone into what you want? You got me thinking about this too, again never intentionally thought I was molding anyone, but maybe it came of that way. Good points and will reflect on them. 

Edited September 28, 2022 by Confused5433