I hurt him, and want him back. Should I contact him?

[basil67]

@Confused5433 while I think that 'manipulative' is a strong word, the fact remains that you were/are wanting him to be someone he's not.   This early on, it should be about looking at them for who they are and deciding if they are a good fit for you.   Also, I don't think your comments hurt him. Instead, I think they annoyed him. 

May I ask what the age difference is?   I wonder if his maturity level could have been a factor

You also don't mention anything about the two of you talking about future.  Could it be that you were thinking it could turn into a relationship but he was more about sex?  

Edited September 28, 2022 by basil67

[Confused5433]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Confused5433 while I think that 'manipulative' is a strong word, the fact remains that you were/are wanting him to be someone he's not.   This early on, it should be about looking at them for who they are and deciding if they are a good fit for you.   Also, I don't think your comments hurt him. Instead, I think they annoyed him. 

May I ask what the age difference is?   I wonder if his maturity level could have been a factor

You also don't mention anything about the two of you talking about future.  Could it be that you were thinking it could turn into a relationship but he was more about sex?  

Your absolutely right, and I should have been focusing more on accepting rather than changing him. We are 9 yrs apart and actually he wanted marriage and was looking for a relationship, while I also wanted a long term relationship but don’t believe in marriage (the legal part of it) but commitment, yess 100%.  
We definitely were not compatible there as far as marriage but we both were looking for a serious relationship. 
 

[NuevoYorko]

16 minutes ago, Confused5433 said:

 We are 9 yrs apart 

How old are you?  

Frankly, I agree that he was probably annoyed and just done.  Maybe he wanted to have a serious relationship that lead to marriage but that is not the way he conducted himself here.   It's not healthy, IMO, to spend this much emotional energy trying to dissect something that never got further than a very awkward start.   I understand that you liked him a lot and you wish it could have been different but truly, this was just two people who weren't going to work out.  

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @NuevoYorko.

@Confused5433 he was fast-forwarding the relationship.

It is not uncommon for people to have a whirlwind romance that progresses on, though, in the vast majority of cases, when someone is intense immediately or very quickly, it is not necessarily a sign of good things to come.

"He made many sexual moves starting on date 2"

The focus of his attention on date two was progressing sexually.

Men I have dated typically did not initiate physical contact without some signal from me that I was comfortable and open to it. 

Those that didn't fizzled out pretty quickly.

It's perfectly valid if he prefers to date at a faster pace and he deserves to date someone who matches his style.

For you, blindly loving and trusting and being sucked into high-speed motion will make you blind when you actually have a responsibility to yourself to have your eyes open. A degree of trust as a basis is a great start, and you still need your interactions to serve as a means of ensuring consistency throughout. Positive things increase your trust, dodgy stuff should have you rolling back and assessing.

When you said you wanted things to be at a more gradual pace, what did he do? He ramped up the intensity. That's not respecting your boundaries.

 

[introverted1]

On 9/27/2022 at 2:20 AM, Confused5433 said:

I dated this younger guy for a month. We saw each other a total of 10 dates and the dates were so intense, so much fun and very passionate.

10 dates in a month is 2-3 dates a week, which is a lot of contact when you've only just met.

I am not sure why we are vilifying him for wanting sex.  Most men people want sex.  You say he respected your boundaries, so I am not seeing an issue there.

Rather, the issue seems to be that you were looking for an emotional connection that wasn't there or had not yet developed for you.  Perhaps you would have felt it if you had slowed down the pace a bit and allowed the emotional side of things to catch up with physical attraction.  That can be a danger of so much early contact: the physical aspects tend to dominate when things move so quickly.

For the future, perhaps consider not having so much interaction in the early stages, so that things can unfold organically. This will allow the emotional side of things to grow along with physical attraction, rather than being dominated by it.

Good luck!

[Confused5433]

4 hours ago, introverted1 said:

10 dates in a month is 2-3 dates a week, which is a lot of contact when you've only just met.

I am not sure why we are vilifying him for wanting sex.  Most men people want sex.  You say he respected your boundaries, so I am not seeing an issue there.

Rather, the issue seems to be that you were looking for an emotional connection that wasn't there or had not yet developed for you.  Perhaps you would have felt it if you had slowed down the pace a bit and allowed the emotional side of things to catch up with physical attraction.  That can be a danger of so much early contact: the physical aspects tend to dominate when things move so quickly.

For the future, perhaps consider not having so much interaction in the early stages, so that things can unfold organically. This will allow the emotional side of things to grow along with physical attraction, rather than being dominated by it.

Good luck!

This is great feedback and thank you for this advice. I did want a more slow pace, and I know that is the healthiest path, but  he wanted to invest more time and from date 1 told me he was looking for a gf. I went with it and even though the physical attraction was there and strong, the moment exploring the city, and enjoying experiences and adventure really captivated me and his way of making me feel already like his gf was lovely. It was so sweet and seemed genuine, and I truly felt so grateful for my time with him. But after reading all these posts, I realize I should listen to my instincts and stick to my gut feeling of taking it easy,  dating at a pace that was more comfortable to me. He just swept me off my feet every time I was with him, but at the end I couldn’t truly develop that deeper connection with him that might have changed our dynamic and me even trying to come here to vent and get advice. 

Eveything we do is a learning experience and I want to thank everyone here for taking the time to share advice, opinions, even critique, (no offense taken, just got more valuable stuff to reflect on)  I’m grateful for this outlet and much better than therapy! Lol! 
thank you all again! 
@DKT3  @Alpacalia@NuevoYorko @basil67 @Lotsgoingon@mark clemson@glows @stillafool@introverted1
@ExpatInItaly

I have decided to let him go and not reach out to him. If he reaches back, maybe we could be friends, but it will be a tough road if we decided to start again. I will also stick to my pacing style and really focus on the compatibility more than the attraction and chemistry. It’s not a good feeling to long for someone after it ends and create memories that stick with you always, and eventually hurt yourself and others too. Thats the last thing I ever wanted, but it is also the risk of dating and putting yourself out there. I will continue on the journey, this time around with more wisdom all thanks to all of you and your wise words!

Edited September 28, 2022 by Confused5433

[Atlantico]

Humm I gather that if after a month you both still could not be intimate, for whatever reason, then you were not meant for each other...I don't think he was manupulative or looking for sex only. The guy was probing the waters (gently it seems) and made a decision based on what he perceived as wrong...