What is going on?

[wanderlust738]

I'm a 29 year old female bisexual. The person in question has never asked me my sexual orientation and I would therefore assume she thinks I'm straight.

A month ago a new female (openly gay senior), started working at the firm. She's 31. We worked an initial night shift together a month back  and got along great. We started chatting more and more at work, generally teasing each other. 

The weekend just gone we worked three long days together, on a much smaller workforce. Throughout the weekend there was a lot of teasing/joking around, lingering eye contact, touching hands on thigh and upper arm during conversation. Arms/thighs grazing when sat next to each other. At one point we were sat on the sofa together, basically sat as close as you can be next to someone and both looking at my phone. We both were steadying the phone, so hands touching. She took the phone off me and sent herself a friend request off of my Facebook. As far as I have seen in work this week she hasn't behaved like this with anyone else.

Now we've started a normal week back with a fuller team and she's been very different in a group setting. She's been slightly cold and closed off. For example today I was chatting with a colleague and had my hands over the back of a chair. She sat in the chair and leaned back on my hands. Immediately got up and said, 'that's weird' and moved somewhere else. However, when we have been alone in the smaller, cramped staff kitchen she'll joke and tease again. I'm not entirely sure what's going on really.

A major caveat to this is that she has a partner. The previous weekend she had been telling me that they had argued etc. I just don't know what to think. Is she flirting? Am I imaging it. I don't want to be a play thing.

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, wanderlust738 said:

I don't want to be a play thing.

Well then, keep your distance. 

Relationships with coworkers are not usually a good idea - particularly if they are involved in other relationships. 

Edited September 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[wanderlust738]

Unless I've completely misinterpreted the situation and she's just being friendly. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, wanderlust738 said:

Unless I've completely misinterpreted the situation and she's just being friendly. 

Does it matter? What’s important here is not necessarily her intentions or her boundaries but yours. 

The only way that this matters at all is if you have the intention of flirting back with your coworker who is in a relationship with another person. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, wanderlust738 said:

A major caveat to this is that she has a partner. 

She is under the impression that you are straight?  It seems she is being friendly but now wants to move it back to more professional.

[glows]

2 hours ago, wanderlust738 said:

A major caveat to this is that she has a partner. The previous weekend she had been telling me that they had argued etc. I just don't know what to think. Is she flirting? Am I imaging it. I don't want to be a play thing.

I can see how you’ve interpreted any dialogue as some form of closeness, not just in your close physical proximity at other times. She’s not as professional as you might expect from someone your senior if she’s spilling info about her personal life like this or about arguments with her partner. Be wary of individuals or coworkers who do this. She’s also been giving you a false sense of intimacy which obviously has you confused. I’m sorry about that. 

I’d treat her as you would anyone else and keep your distance. This person seems too mixed up to focus on work only and has other things going on at home. That’s fine in itself but not where it concerns work or talking it about it casually like this.

Edited September 27, 2022 by glows

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

she’s spilling info about her personal life like this or about arguments with her partner. Be wary of individuals or coworkers who do this. She’s also been giving you a false sense of intimacy which obviously has you confused.

Exactly. 

This has given you the impression that there is the potential for an open door here, which may or may not be the case. You should be wary of people who do this - unfortunately many people take this as a sign, an invitation, to get involved… and, that has potential, should you decide to pursue whatever this is, to be a very poor decision because you work together. 

Edited September 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[wanderlust738]

I'll distance myself from her and the situation. In hind sight I took the physical closeness over the weekend and ran with it. Having other opinions definitely helps clear things up. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Step away from this. 

Not only is she a coworker, she's also not single. This has the potential to go badly for a number of different reasons. Just don't go there. 

[mark clemson]

From what you write, I don't think there's even a remote chance that you were misinterpreting "this". The question is what could or would come of it, whether you want that or not (or whether she changes her mind about it, or already has), and what impacts further intimacy (if any were to occur) might have.

Some people like to flirt and don't follow up beyond just flirting, so it could easily be only that. It could easily be or become "more" as well. The only way to tell would be waiting and seeing.

Distancing yourself/disengaging is not unwise. You are an adult and can make your own decisions, but affairs (if it was to potentially become that) tend to be risky endeavors, particularly in a work context.

You posted this in OM/OW, so I think you must indeed know "what is going on" at least at some level.

Edited September 28, 2022 by mark clemson