Strange break up, what to do?

[SidneyBlake]

Hi,

Soooo.. 

I have recently come out of a relationship with a girl I was dating for 3 years. We lived together for 2 years but one day, out of nowhere, she broke up with me. We had a civil break up, we had never had a fight in all the time we dated either. I immediately moved out of our apartment but she said there was no rush to do this. A few days later she got in contact asking when I was collecting my belongings which came as a shock as she had said to take my time and not to rush. I maintained no contact ever since we broke up and she hasn't reached out but her father stayed in contact through the process of me moving out and has commented on my Facebook status'. 

I was recently told that my ex is dating somebody and that apparently they made-out  before we broke up. I'm not sure if they are living together or if they're official yet though. 

I suffer from depression but it's not something I talk about and I had been finding things a bit tricky for a month of so before we broke up so was potentially quite withdrawn from things with her which may have caused the break up (I'm a self blaming person). 

She follows me on Instagram and I noticed that she watches all of my stories on Snapchat which I find strange. However I unfollowed her on Facebook and Instagram to make no contact easier. 

My feelings have fluctuated a lot since the break up, initially I was in shock but accepted the break up and quickly stopped contacting her, didn't beg nor plead etc. I think this may have perhaps gave her the idea that I didn't want to work things out. I had asked her to grab a coffee with me to talk but she said she didn't think that would be good for her and would cause her feelings to fluctuate. 

I would have liked for us to work things out, we had been discussing buying a house together and I had been thinking about proposing to her when we had found somewhere together. I had often suggested that I didn't want to get married through our relationship and I think this did bother her but her mom and dad often agreed with me that marriage wasn't necessarily important.

I considered reaching out but thought since she is dating this new dude it might be wasteful to do so. Her rebound is with someone she was friends with but due to the length of our relationship and her haste in getting involved with somebody else I feel like it is unhealthily quick and I would imagine maybe fall apart quickly.  

Does anybody have an ideas or impressions for/on my situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

Whether or not her new relationship is a rebound isn't relevant, as it doesn't change that fact that your own relationship with her fell apart. 

So I wouldn't count on reconciling even if they stop seeing each other. She likely wouldn't stick around. If she blindsided you with this, she wasn't interested in working things out, so that's on her. Don't blame yourself for that. 

It also sounds as though you two had different visions for the future, in terms of marriage. It doesn't matter if her mom and dad agree with you that marriage wasn't necessary. If she wants that, that's all that matters. And you evidently don't, which is fine, but it means you two were not right for each other. The fact that you're not even sure if this bothered her suggests there was a significant communcation gap between you, as most partners would know without any doubt where the other one stands on such big issues. 

In time, I think you will realize that this break-up is for the best. You weren't on the same page anymore. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, SidneyBlake said:

. I immediately moved out of our apartment but she said there was no rush to do this. was potentially quite withdrawn from things with her which may have caused the break up.

Sorry this happened. Where did you move to? She does need to inform you to collect your things because it's your responsibility to get them. 

It doesn't seem "out of the blue" if you have been depressed,withdrawn and incapable of participation in the relationship. Keep in mind that your mental and physical health is your responsibility to take care of.

All you can do is take care of the logistics of getting your things.

Most of all see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Once your things are collected, make a clean break and delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[SidneyBlake]

I've had to quickly just find a place to stay on my own. I understand that but it was that she'd told me to have as long as I want to move and then 2 days later she said about how I should come get my stuff and questioner why I was yet to have collected it. 

I was depressed and withdrawn mostly due to how she was very work obsessed  she would stay at work late everyday and come home and continue to do more work and wasn't often willing to do things together, the only time she would suggest doing things was when I'd had bad/long days at work when I'd be tired coming home and then making our dinner etc still. I do understand what you're saying though. 

[Despin]

She felt bad just kicking you out, so she said take your time because of guilt. She's with a new guy and now that you've moved out she wants you to eradicate yourself from her life meaning she wants the rest of your stuff gone which is reasonable since you're gone.

She follows you because heck you're an ex and we're all curious about our ex's after a recent breakup even if we don't want to get back together.

If her relationship with new guy falls apart as you put it, or she wants back with you, then she knows where to find you but I suggest you collect the rest of your stuff, probably better if you don't see her but that's up to you and her, and keep it moving forward until and unless you hear otherwise from her, at which point you know you need to fix a few things and not withdraw- women freaking hate that, I know because I do the same. It never cost me a relationship but I see how it can.

 

[glows]

 

On 9/28/2022 at 4:54 AM, SidneyBlake said:

 

I was depressed and withdrawn mostly due to how she was very work obsessed  she would stay at work late everyday and come home and continue to do more work and wasn't often willing to do things together, the only time she would suggest doing things was when I'd had bad/long days at work when I'd be tired coming home and then making our dinner etc still. I do understand what you're saying though. 

She was checking out for some time and no longer invested in the relationship. I’m sorry as this must be very painful and also a shock to realize the break up. The point is it seems she’s been thinking about breaking up with you for some time if she spent less and less time with you. 

Why do you think she was work obsessed? Were there any issues paying bills or other problems in the relationship? 

No, I don’t think it’s in your best interest to contact her. Your world has been overturned and you’ve had to find a new place to stay. I’d give yourself a year or so to gain your bearings again, leave her alone and carry on with your healing. When someone shows you what they are or makes a decision not to be with you believe it. She’s also entitled to having her happiness with someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/28/2022 at 7:54 AM, SidneyBlake said:

I've had to quickly just find a place to stay .

That's excellent and long overdue. Collect your things and make a clean break. 

Most importantly get an evaluation of your physical and mental health and a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support to address the depression.

All you can do is not get this complacent and coast along for three years going nowhere doing nothing.

[ShyViolet]

The best thing you can do for yourself is move on.  I think you need to stop entertaining ideas of reconciling this relationship... that sounds like a fantasy.  If you and her were compatible, the relationship wouldn't have fallen apart.  It's over.  She doesn't sound interested in trying to reconcile.... she has moved on.  You need to do the same.