hurt and broken

[loved-and-so-lost]

I have been with my spouse for over eight years now seven of which we have been married. We have had lots of downs in our marriage and it was really hard at times. However I felt like we had overcome the worst of it and we were doing really well. I gave birth a little over a year ago and Was so happy. I felt like everything was going amazing. My spouse started a new job, we got a new house, and an amazing addition to our family. 

However when I was helping set up some stuff on my spouses phone I noticed some odd videos that they had been watching. I didn't think much about it at the time because honestly I at the time still felt very secure in the relationship. However I walked in on my partner watching porn which is what it is, but it hurt because they were not in the mood for sex but were willing to do that. We don't have sex often I was OK with this because I believed it was because my partner didn't have much of a sex drive which I was trying to be understanding about and did not want to pressure them. 

This news spiraled into me finding out so much more, and it took weeks for all of the stuff to come out ( at least what they say is everything). They have been messaging other people and have almost met up on multiple occasions. At one point shortly after our wedding they were messaging someone to meet up when I was out of town for a week. They have said that nothing more happened or came out of it, but that is the problem with trust once it is lost it is hard to get it back. 

I also found out that when they said they had never been with anyone sexually before me they lied. I don't know what to do. I feel broken and in shock. I am shaking just typing this. This person has become my best friend and even after this there is a part of me that will always love them, but sexually I currently can't even see myself being with them after everything. I know we still will have to co-parent, but is there any saving the relationship after this?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

. I gave birth a little over a year ago 

Sorry this is happening.  Focus on yourself and your child.

The first thing to do is get tested for STDs. Privately and confidentiality, of course. Stop having sex with him meanwhile.

Also privately and confidentiality, consult an attorney about your options in divorce. Are you a sahm? 

Your marriage seems to have been turbulent all along and that's not due to masturbating to porn. You know that.

Unfortunately having a child brings out the difficulties more than the myth that it saves marriages.

Step back. Reflect. Get some expert advice. Decide whether co-parenting is better than chronic turmoil, lack of love and affection and dealing with all the lies.

[BaileyB]

I agree, I would get tested for stds. 

Watching porn wouldn’t be a big thing for me, unless they are doing it incessantly. Messaging and meeting other people would probably be the end of the relationship.

Does your partner want to save the relationship? Are they prepared to do whatever is required to regain your trust? 

11 hours ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

that is the problem with trust once it is lost it is hard to get it back. 

This is the problem with trust, I agree. I’m very sorry that this has happened. Take care.

[loved-and-so-lost]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you a sahm? 

Yes I am I was finishing going to school during this time but I am almost finished.

 

[glows]

13 hours ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

We have had lots of downs in our marriage and it was really hard at times.

Could you describe your marriage a bit more? Has something similar come up in the past? 

I ask to understand what other issues have contributed to ongoing distrust eroding at the relationship for some time.

It’s hurtful discovering the things you just found but think bigger here and look at the entire relationship. What were those red flags, why were they ignored? How did you reconcile them and are they still issues between the two of you? Is your partner’s messaging others a symptom of all the other dysfunction in the marriage? 

[loved-and-so-lost]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

 

Does your partner want to save the relationship? Are they prepared to do whatever is required to regain your trust? 

They are but I am so unsure. He said that he never actually met any of the people but I would be a fool to just that after everything. I am still so in shock I don't know what to do.

 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

They are but I am so unsure. He said that he never actually met any of the people but I would be a fool to just that after everything. I am still so in shock I don't know what to do.

Well, that’s the problem. How do you trust someone who has proven themselves to be untrustworthy? 

Personally, I would be very cautious about his statement that they did not meet. Grown men do not typically establish penpal relationships with others - they usually do so with the purpose of either meeting or engaging in inappropriate phone/video sex. This is why we are suggesting that you get tested for STDs, unfortunately you can’t believe what he says right now. 

Do you/and him have the ability to get some counselling? Both individual/separate counselling would be good for each of you. And ultimately, marriage counselling. 

If you decide to stay, I would have a one strike you are out policy. If you give him the gift of forgiveness/reconciliation now, if you discover but one more deception - that would be the end for me. I would file for divorce. 

[loved-and-so-lost]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Could you describe your marriage a bit more? Has something similar come up in the past? 

We have two children together. I got pregnant at nineteen and his mother pushed him to marry me. (he had proposed before that, but I think he felt more obligated at that point.). After I got pregnant the first time our sex life went down a bit, however after my first child was born I didn't think much about we were both busy. We got married when my first child (who is now seven) was two moths old. we waited until then so that we could have sex on our wedding night so I had time to heal. After the wedding though he said he was tiered and just wanted to go to bed. fast forward a week and his sister in law came into town and we picked her up from the air port. I cough't him checking out her butt right in front of me multiple times. I called him out on it when we were in privet he apologized, I didn't forgive him but I tried to move past it. I had to go out of town a few days after that to go take my grandmother back to her home since she lived out of state and couldn't go on her own. I did not know this part until yesterday but when I was gone he messaged someone about meeting up and doing stuff. 

He has done that messaging stuff on and off ever since. He says he never went though it but I don't know what to believe.

Our sex life didn't really improve from there and we had fights that should have been the end. At one point I was working two jobs and going to school and he would fight with me about having to watch our son when I go home from the grave yard shift (he at the time was not working). I later quite both jobs because he started a new job that was better paying than both my jobs combined. We at the time could not find daycare but could afford for me to stay home so that is what I did. I did work at two other places since then but it was only temporary jobs.  

Honestly it took years for it to get to be ok but I stock it out, I think out of stubbornness.. It started getting better after he moved out due to covid so he didn't expose us since he was still working. It made us see how much we missed each other. Then there was an accident where he got hurt and me taking care of him and the way he was really made the relationship start to reform. We even decided to have another baby. But our sex life was still not what it could have been. which I take blame for as well. 

I believed we were good. I felt confident but I was wrong. 

It’s hurtful discovering the things you just found but think bigger here and look at the entire relationship. What were those red flags, why were they ignored? How did you reconcile them and are they still issues between the two of you? Is your partner’s messaging others a symptom of all the other dysfunction in the marriage? 

 

[loved-and-so-lost]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

Do you/and him have the ability to get some counselling? Both individual/separate counselling would be good for each of you. And ultimately, marriage counselling. 
I think he does with his work. so I will be looking into that today. 
If you decide to stay, I would have a one strike you are out policy. If you give him the gift of forgiveness/reconciliation now, if you discover but one more deception - that would be the end for me. I would file for divorce. 

I am not sure how to forgive him at this moment. I am more hurt than angry I think. I am unsure if he will get another chance after everything, but will see what happens after counseling. 

 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

Is your partner’s messaging others a symptom of all the other dysfunction in the marriage? 

Your partner’s messaging other women is his decision, his responsibility to bear. 

While it does sound like there have been many challenges in this relationship, NOTHING you have done/not done makes your partner’s decision to turn away from your marriage your fault. 

If he has been doing this from the day you were married, that is a long standing pattern of behavior that would make me even less likely to want to stay and trust him again. 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

We have two children together. I got pregnant at nineteen and his mother pushed him to marry me. (he had proposed before that, but I think he felt more obligated at that point.). After I got pregnant the first time our sex life went down a bit, however after my first child was born I didn't think much about we were both busy. We got married when my first child (who is now seven) was two moths old. we waited until then so that we could have sex on our wedding night so I had time to heal. After the wedding though he said he was tiered and just wanted to go to bed. fast forward a week and his sister in law came into town and we picked her up from the air port. I cough't him checking out her butt right in front of me multiple times. I called him out on it when we were in privet he apologized, I didn't forgive him but I tried to move past it. I had to go out of town a few days after that to go take my grandmother back to her home since she lived out of state and couldn't go on her own. I did not know this part until yesterday but when I was gone he messaged someone about meeting up and doing stuff. 

He has done that messaging stuff on and off ever since. He says he never went though it but I don't know what to believe.

Our sex life didn't really improve from there and we had fights that should have been the end. At one point I was working two jobs and going to school and he would fight with me about having to watch our son when I go home from the grave yard shift (he at the time was not working). I later quite both jobs because he started a new job that was better paying than both my jobs combined. We at the time could not find daycare but could afford for me to stay home so that is what I did. I did work at two other places since then but it was only temporary jobs.  

Honestly it took years for it to get to be ok but I stock it out, I think out of stubbornness.. It started getting better after he moved out due to covid so he didn't expose us since he was still working. It made us see how much we missed each other. Then there was an accident where he got hurt and me taking care of him and the way he was really made the relationship start to reform. We even decided to have another baby. But our sex life was still not what it could have been. which I take blame for as well. 

I believed we were good. I felt confident but I was wrong. 

Then he has a record of stepping outside the marriage or crossing boundaries. You both married young. He’s disregarded you and his family or was willing to risk everything many times. Does he believe you have nowhere to go or would choose to stay with him ? I am unsure where you’d find the desire to give things another go. I’d go for counselling private and see a lawyer in private to go over your situation and prepare yourself better. 

My thoughts are that he’s behaved as an independent or single person in the marriage and while you haven’t made up your mind yet it’ll benefit you obtaining the legal knowledge to move on should you decide to at some point. The biggest flaw imo when it comes to deceit or one person in a marriage acting selfishly is for the other person to continue to believe the marriage is still functioning with two individuals. You aren’t. Start taking care of yourself and get the info you need instead of guessing where his head is at. You already know the type of person he is.

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

 is there any saving the relationship after this?

A "relationship" ultimately boils down to a choice by both partners to continue it. So, indeed it's possible to "save," if both partners decide to. However I think most people would want affection, trust, and to feel "emotionally safe" with their partner (probably at a minimum) for it to be a good relationship.

If that's not possible and he is unable or unwilling to change or you are unable to trust, then you are stuck with a "dead marriage," marriage of convenience, "staying just for the kids" etc, type of situation. While those things do happen (and frequently enough to be cliche), they're obviously far from ideal and not something people would recommend to you.

You're an adult in a difficult and unfortunate situation, and will need to make your own decisions based on your own situation, priorities, and views.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

Yes I am I was finishing going to school during this time but I am almost finished.

Are you tolerating this out of financial and childcare needs?

[Lotsgoingon]

So sorry to hear of this.

Sounds like he's been lying to you since day 1. Of course now he will minimize the lies since you have caught him contacting others.

His behavior reminds me of some kind of sex addiction. It's not literally addiction to sex as in  cocaine. It's a compulsion to use sex to solve other problems that have nothing to do with sex. You guys didn't have a kid until recently and yet he's disconnected from you sexually.

How was he sexually before the kid arrived? I know he lied from the beginning, but he was he more connected to you before the kid arrived?

Also, let's take away sex. How affectionate has he been to you? How "present" as in paying attention to you and him in the moment? How distracted? How distant?

 

[loved-and-so-lost]

It is officially going to be over. I gave him the chance to tell me the truth all day and he did say that he had been with one person finally, but I felt like he was still lying but he kept denying it. finally he told me has has been with 11 people all together (besides me). I gave him the chance all day I told him so long as he was honest from the start we could work though it. I am done. 

[loved-and-so-lost]

Thank you everyone for your comments honestly I really needed to talk to someone and get this off my chest. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

 I told him so long as he was honest from the start we could work though it. I am done. 

The first thing you need to do is get tested for STDs. The second is to consult an attorney for your options in divorce.

Let him sleep on the sofa until you can get divorced and figure out who gets what, alimony and child support. 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

It is officially going to be over. I gave him the chance to tell me the truth all day and he did say that he had been with one person finally, but I felt like he was still lying but he kept denying it. finally he told me has has been with 11 people all together (besides me). I gave him the chance all day I told him so long as he was honest from the start we could work though it. I am done. 

This is called the “trickle truth.” When people do this, their partner’s can never feel secure that they are getting the full truth - because the story keeps changing. 

I would make an appointment to get tested for STDs next week. And, I would talk with a lawyer.

I’m so sorry this has happened, but at least you aren’t living in the agony of a false reconciliation. You know the truth now - enough to know that you need to leave this marriage. Take care of your little ones and get some counselling for yourself. You will be ok. 

[glows]

12 hours ago, loved-and-so-lost said:

It is officially going to be over. I gave him the chance to tell me the truth all day and he did say that he had been with one person finally, but I felt like he was still lying but he kept denying it. finally he told me has has been with 11 people all together (besides me). I gave him the chance all day I told him so long as he was honest from the start we could work though it. I am done. 

He essentially had the entire marriage and dating period to tell the truth and couldn’t do it for 8 years. It would be difficult to believe anything else when you seem to be looking over your shoulder constantly. Did he say anything about your marriage or agree to end the marriage? You don’t need his agreement to file for divorce so go ahead with it once you speak with a lawyer. Try not to go back and forth on a decision that you yourself are certain about. 

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, glows said:

He essentially had the entire marriage and dating period to tell the truth and couldn’t do it for 8 years.

He’s essentially been cheating the entire marriage. I mean, he went from “I have only talked with these people, never met them” to “there have been eleven other people in my marriage…” That almost incomprehensible. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to start the process of ending this marriage, OP. 

He is long-gone, emotionally. It appears he's been cheating the whole time and that is not something you should even attempt to forgive. It means he's never been truly present with you in the marriage and he likely never would be. 

Set yourself free. 

[Walter Kronite]

On 9/28/2022 at 5:29 PM, loved-and-so-lost said:

This news spiraled into me finding out so much more, and it took weeks for all of the stuff to come out ( at least what they say is everything). They have been messaging other people and have almost met up on multiple occasions. At one point shortly after our wedding they were messaging someone to meet up when I was out of town for a week. They have said that nothing more happened or came out of it, but that is the problem with trust once it is lost it is hard to get it back. 

I also found out that when they said they had never been with anyone sexually before me they lied. I don't know what to do. I feel broken and in shock. I am shaking just typing this. This person has become my best friend and even after this there is a part of me that will always love them, but sexually I currently can't even see myself being with them after everything. I know we still will have to co-parent, but is there any saving the relationship after this?

Marriage to somebody who said they do not have partners in bed to suddenly changing that opinion is scary, and it has more exaggerated consequence if unattended. Asking if the relationship is destroyed is an example as it probably isn't from your end as you acknowledge love...but co-parent reality is not realistic as they will trash you to your kids and, as a woman, the world in America, backs you...but you don't need the other parent.

There is saving the relationship - you should speak to him and not reveal you are willing to give up. Remember, you are going to decide if the parent other than you exists in the future. You don't really get to ask God if that parent is required. I would say judgement or other family members aren't required so ex-flings are excludable before excluding him regardless what their opinions are.

Broken and shocked is probably accurate and you are feeling what it feels like when your defined reality is a lie. Having said that, I would suggest you seek reconciliation.