My Boyfriend Makes Me Want to Seek Out 'Others'

[Goldenflow]

And it's not for physical reasons, but for purely emotional ones.

 

I've been with my man for about a year and a half. He travels a lot for work, so we'll go two or three weeks without seeing each other. When he is allowed the option to stay in the city and work, he only likes to see each other once a week. If I haven't seen him in two or three weeks, I'll suggest that I spend the week with him, as I work from home. But usually on day  3 or 4 of that 7 days together, I start to notice him getting irritated or grumpy. He swears that it's due to being 'at home' so much, but when it keeps happening, you kinda start to feel like it's you. When we spend prolonged amounts of time together (like a week) by the end of it, we have had an argument, because he has made me feel, in some way or form unwanted, and it just boils over. And he's already grumpy, so we argue.  It never fails, the week together always end in hurt feelings.

 

My boyfriend is also not big on texting and he doesn't like talking on the phone too often. So when he's out of town,  I probably get two to three short texts per day, maximum,  and then maybe a 45 minutes to an hour phone call. Which usually occurs right around the time I'm free from work, so I'm excited to talk to him, whereas he's just dragging on the phone and then eventually just wants to get off. He says that he's tired and he wants to go to bed. It's around 7:30 at this time.

 

So at this point in our relationship, because I'm having very minimal (or what I would consider to be minimal) contact with my boyfriend, I feel alone. I don't have conversation from the one I love, I don't have emotional warmth coming from anyone. I'll send him pictures (both clean and not) and I never get a response from him. Only when he comes home and we're being intimate, is when he'd mention the dirty ones.  I just feel alone.

 

I find myself talking to people that I shouldn't, because they 1. Talk to me. 2. Give me emotional validation. 3. Are always present.  I can text them at any time, and they will respond. I don't do it too often, because it's playing with fire. But at times like tonight, when I haven't really spoken to anyone but Co-Workers and clients, I feel isolated and missing the warmth of some attention. My boyfriend is currently asleep (or so he says), we had a twenty minute phone call around 6:30, before he yawned and said he was going to bed. The only other communication we had today was a 'Good Morning Beautiful' text and a Meme, which I had no response to.

I haven't done anything, but I guess some would consider me just talking to someone I know has a romantic or sexual interest in me, is 'doing something.'

I love my boyfriend, but I don't know how healthy this is for me. I don't know if we're compatible, if this amount of communication and visiting is acceptable to him. Which he has expressed in the past, that seeing each other once a week, was how he liked it. He even said that it was healthy.

 

I don't know. I just feel alone.

 

Thoughts?

[basil67]

Oh, how lonely you must be.   

This guy doesn't appear to have a lot of need for you to be in his life, and as a result, it's simply not meeting your quite reasonable needs.   It's time to rethink the relationship

 

[islandGinger]

Hello!

I have a suggestion. Do not call or text him while he is out of town. Upon his return, do not go over to his place and when or if he should show up to your place, ignore him. Do not show interest in intimacy or how he is doing or his needs.

See how he deals with your coldness. If he shows deep concerns, then he cares a lot for he you and your happiness. If he does not.........then.

 

A been there, been through that girl. (ME)

Edited September 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting

[ShyViolet]

At only a year and a half into the relationship, that should still be in the "honeymoon" stage, things should still be good and exciting.  You certainly should not be feeling lonely, unloved, unwanted, and unhappy.  You need to break up with this guy.  This relationship is clearly not working and needs to end.  Then you'll be free to find someone who actually makes you feel like he cares about you.

Do not talk to other guys while you're still in this relationship, sneaking around.  That's the wrong way to go about things.  Why would you do that?  Just put an end to this bad relationship and then you'll be free to do whatever you want and find happiness.

[NuevoYorko]

I have some empathy for you, clearly you are  not getting your needs met by this relationship.   I just don't think his work schedule is going to work for you, and he doesn't seem to care enough to make sure you feel loved.  Bottom line is, probably you two aren't right for each other and the timing is not right either.  

That said, if your significant other is out of town and they text 3 times a day and talk on the phone for 45 minutes - that is really a lot.   If you are going to be in a relationship with a lot of seperation, this is not unreasonable.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why are you still dating him? 

He's made it pretty clear that his expectations and preferences are entirely different from yours, and he doesn't intend to change that. At some point, you are going to have to admit to yourself that this relationship just isn't working and it needs to end. 

You two are not at all compatible. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

I just feel alone.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you're in a trap. You're not in a satisfactory relationship but you're also not free to find someone who is into you and available. 

You have the power to set yourself free and be happy. But that starts with telling him it's not working. You've already wasted 1.5 years on this.

[glows]

11 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

And it's not for physical reasons, but for purely emotional ones.

 

I've been with my man for about a year and a half. He travels a lot for work, so we'll go two or three weeks without seeing each other. When he is allowed the option to stay in the city and work, he only likes to see each other once a week. If I haven't seen him in two or three weeks, I'll suggest that I spend the week with him, as I work from home. But usually on day  3 or 4 of that 7 days together, I start to notice him getting irritated or grumpy. He swears that it's due to being 'at home' so much, but when it keeps happening, you kinda start to feel like it's you. When we spend prolonged amounts of time together (like a week) by the end of it, we have had an argument, because he has made me feel, in some way or form unwanted, and it just boils over. And he's already grumpy, so we argue.  It never fails, the week together always end in hurt feelings.

 

My boyfriend is also not big on texting and he doesn't like talking on the phone too often. So when he's out of town,  I probably get two to three short texts per day, maximum,  and then maybe a 45 minutes to an hour phone call. Which usually occurs right around the time I'm free from work, so I'm excited to talk to him, whereas he's just dragging on the phone and then eventually just wants to get off. He says that he's tired and he wants to go to bed. It's around 7:30 at this time.

 

So at this point in our relationship, because I'm having very minimal (or what I would consider to be minimal) contact with my boyfriend, I feel alone. I don't have conversation from the one I love, I don't have emotional warmth coming from anyone. I'll send him pictures (both clean and not) and I never get a response from him. Only when he comes home and we're being intimate, is when he'd mention the dirty ones.  I just feel alone.

 

I find myself talking to people that I shouldn't, because they 1. Talk to me. 2. Give me emotional validation. 3. Are always present.  I can text them at any time, and they will respond. I don't do it too often, because it's playing with fire. But at times like tonight, when I haven't really spoken to anyone but Co-Workers and clients, I feel isolated and missing the warmth of some attention. My boyfriend is currently asleep (or so he says), we had a twenty minute phone call around 6:30, before he yawned and said he was going to bed. The only other communication we had today was a 'Good Morning Beautiful' text and a Meme, which I had no response to.

I haven't done anything, but I guess some would consider me just talking to someone I know has a romantic or sexual interest in me, is 'doing something.'

I love my boyfriend, but I don't know how healthy this is for me. I don't know if we're compatible, if this amount of communication and visiting is acceptable to him. Which he has expressed in the past, that seeing each other once a week, was how he liked it. He even said that it was healthy.

 

I don't know. I just feel alone.

 

Thoughts?

He has such a minimal effect in your life. He also sounds quite arrogant and cold. Im sure he’s aware you’re unhappy and continues to date you. Very bizarre behaviour. Do you mind me asking what is the allure about this man? In regards to you perhaps it’s time to be a bit more honest with yourself.

[Mrin]

18 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

That said, if your significant other is out of town and they text 3 times a day and talk on the phone for 45 minutes - that is really a lot. 

This. Especially the 45 minute daily call. No way could I do that. 

OP: that being said, you are perfectly valid in your complaints. He is cold, distant and wholly incompatible with you. This isn't salvageable. I recommend ending the relationship. 

[BaileyB]

21 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

I don't know if we're compatible, if this amount of communication and visiting is acceptable to him.

You are clearly not compatible, and that’s ok. You are not wrong to want to talk with and spend time with your boyfriend. He is not willing/able to do that - which means you have a decision to make here. And, the decision is no - should I talk to others because my boyfriend is too busy/ignoring me? The decision you have to make is - if this relationship is not what I want it to be, then I need to end it and go in search of another who does want and have the ability to spend time with me.

I mean, this is a no brainer. If you want a man to be a part of your life, you will need to end this relationship because there are other men who would be interested in an actual relationship with you. 

[Goldenflow]

3 hours ago, Mrin said:

This. Especially the 45 minute daily call. No way could I do that. 

OP: that being said, you are perfectly valid in your complaints. He is cold, distant and wholly incompatible with you. This isn't salvageable. I recommend ending the relationship. 

Here is the exchange we had yesterday:

7:37 A.M  Him:  "Good morning my golden autumn canopy."

7:38 A.M. Me: "Lol, good morning baby"

10:20 A.M. Him: *Sends Meme about a corpse trying to flirt*

The end of our texting yesterday.

Sometimes we have four or five exchanges, usually about nothing. But are you telling me you would be COMPLETELY content in your relationship with an exchange as minimal as that on a day to day? Our phone conversations, he sounds tired and like he doesn't want to be on the phone, but just tolerating it. Our conversation isn't of note, and I find myself mostly the one talking. You would still be madly in love with this person?

[Goldenflow]

12 hours ago, glows said:

He has such a minimal effect in your life. He also sounds quite arrogant and cold. Im sure he’s aware you’re unhappy and continues to date you. Very bizarre behaviour. Do you mind me asking what is the allure about this man? In regards to you perhaps it’s time to be a bit more honest with yourself.

 

I fell in love with him. And when I see him, I feel butterflies and get so excited, I just want him to hold me and never let go. I love being with him, but our time together is bitter sweet, because I know it's going to end quickly.

[Goldenflow]

Sometimes when we are out, I see other couples, holding hands, hugged up together. And then I look at my guy, and he's sitting across from me, with his head down in his phone. So close, yet so far. It takes everything within me not to break down in tears. I start to feel so alone....invisible, even. And then it's a quick kiss and hug, and then it's time for me to go back home, not seeing him again for another week, or three.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Goldenflow said:

I fell in love with him. And when I see him, I feel butterflies and get so excited, I just want him to hold me and never let go. I love being with him

We can love someone and still not be able/chose to be in a relationship with them. Sad, but true. 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Goldenflow said:

Sometimes when we are out, I see other couples, holding hands, hugged up together. And then I look at my guy, and he's sitting across from me, with his head down in his phone. So close, yet so far. It takes everything within me not to break down in tears. I start to feel so alone....invisible, even.

That is a terrible feeling, to feel alone in a relationship. Invisible. He is making you feel this way. You are choosing to be in this kind of relationship with him. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

Sometimes when we are out, I see other couples, holding hands, hugged up together. And then I look at my guy, and he's sitting across from me, with his head down in his phone. So close, yet so far. It takes everything within me not to break down in tears. I start to feel so alone....invisible, even. And then it's a quick kiss and hug, and then it's time for me to go back home, not seeing him again for another week, or three.

By what definition then is he a boyfriend? This is a genuine question. He seems checked out, disinterested. Did you both talk about dating exclusively? I’m not really sure either of you understand one another. The point of a relationship can’t surely be to not feel like you’re in a relationship? 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Goldenflow said:

. I start to feel so alone....invisible, even. And then it's a quick kiss and hug, and then it's time for me to go back home, not seeing him again for another week, or three.

It's really up to you to decide if you are happy with someone who doesn't care or wants to see you or disrespects even when you are together in person.

Is he in another relationship? How is sending corpse memes romantic? 

You keep repeating "I feel so alone", but you have the power to end that feeling..

[basil67]

As well as the corpse flirting being weird (unless the two of you have morbid humour), calling you a 'golden autumn canopy' is also weird.  Yes, autumn trees are lovely, but I don't know many woman who want to be likened to a tree

Edited October 1, 2022 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

On 9/29/2022 at 7:05 PM, Goldenflow said:

Sometimes we have four or five exchanges, usually about nothing. But are you telling me you would be COMPLETELY content in your relationship with an exchange as minimal as that on a day to day?

Not that it matters, but my wife and I don’t text at all while one or both of us is at work unless it’s something like “can you pick up some milk on the way home.” And when we’re home at the end of our days I doubt we spend more than 30 minutes actually talking if you add it all up. Often less. We’ve got a kid to take care of and chores to do and then we watch a show on TV and go to bed. 
 

Do you have any friends that you talk to regularly? 
 

All that being said,  I agree with the others. Clearly you both have very different ideas of what a relationship entails so time to end it. Will you feel less lonely if you’re single? 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Weezy1973

[Wiseman2]

On 9/28/2022 at 10:01 PM, Goldenflow said:

  that seeing each other once a week, was how he liked it. 

Is he married or in another relationship? He doesn't seem to have much time for you or interest in being together .

It seems like you are quite isolated as a result of living alone and working from home.

Is it possible to get a side hussle where you see people? How about volunteering? What about joining some clubs and groups? Or taking some classes and courses.

There seems to be two problems at least. One is you're isolated and lonely and the other is an indifferent unavailable BF.

The good news is both situations are fixable by getting out more and getting rid of him to find someone more compatible.

[smackie9]

this is why we date...to see what they are like, and how they fit into our lives, and see if expectations are being fulfilled. It's pretty obvious you are not getting what you need out of this relationship. What you see is what you get. Don't like it, unhappy? End it and find someone who treats you the way you expect to be treated. This guy isn't for you. 

[Stillsittinghere]

This guy is having his life just as he chooses!  He does just what he has to do to keep you hanging on so he can have access when he wants it.  It would be extremely rare for a man to be satisfied with this level of contact to meet his emotional needs.  You are wasting your life hoping to build a future with a guy who views you as the “other woman”.  You are there when he wants to cheat on his steady partner.     

[stillafool]

This guy doesn't seem to be that into you even though his words are sweet. I think you should leave him and get involved with one of the other guys you are talking to that tells you what you want to hear and gives you the attention you crave.  Wouldn't be surprised if he's talking to other women.

 

Edited October 8, 2022 by stillafool