Is my boyfriend just lazy or using me?

[Uncertaintyahead]

I’ve been seeing someone steadily for over a year and we are about an hour apart. He encouraged me to lease an apartment with him starting in July. I normally would not have done this so fast, but I felt confident in our relationship and it gave us a way to spend more time together, in a two bedroom apartment rather than his smaller one bedroom apartment he moved from.
 

Also, I’ve cut back at work so it made sense that I would move to him part time where there’s a lot more activities and it’s generally a nicer area. Well, this was my intent. It seems like I only go there maybe every other weekend because we have other social engagements which take us out of town. 
He does complain from time to time that we haven’t really got into the habit of being together at least four or five days a week in the apartment. Then  a month ago I felt ill and the doctors are still trying to find out what’s wrong. Essentially it feels like I have a flu but all the time. I did push myself together last weekend even though I wasn’t feeling great and I started feeling a little sicker by the second day so I left and came home.  

I’ve also noticed that he used to send me a little text with a nice picture saying good night every night and that has stopped in the last two weeks. He doesn’t even say good night by text anymore.

He now asked me if I could go back to the apartment tomorrow if I’m feeling up to it. Until the doctors figure out what’s going on and get all the test results which should be forthcoming in the next few days, I’m not really sure if I should run there. It’s not a matter of I don’t want to see him because I do it’s more a matter of whether it makes practical sense given my health and also it appears to me that he is either being lazy or he’s just using me.
I state this because I have a beautiful home that he can certainly come to if you would like to see me rather than me driving out to see him. I don’t wanna lose sight of our overall good relationship but it seems to me he should at least offer to come see me and then when I’m feeling up to it, I can go to him. I get the strong sense that if I don’t go there tomorrow to see him then I just won’t  see him again this weekend.  
I don’t ask for much and while he has called me a few times this week to check in on me he hasn’t really done anything to make me feel better in the sense that he would do something for me if I needed something etc. there’s been no offers. Does it sound like he’s just either selfish or lazy for using me??

Edited September 29, 2022 by Uncertaintyahead

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Uncertaintyahead said:

Does it sound like he’s just either selfish or lazy or using me??

Unfortunately, none of these sound good. Have your adult children warned you about him?

[Uncertaintyahead]

My kids just say I should do what I want and feel up to. 

[Uncertaintyahead]

Does his behavior seem off or am I expecting too much?

[Uncertaintyahead]

I also want to add that last Sunday was our one year anniversary and he said nothing to me. We had discussed a few weeks ago that our one year anniversary was coming up. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Uncertaintyahead said:

My kids just say I should do what I want and feel up to. 

You already know paying half his rent for a sort of part-time place for you is not good. Also do not sell your home and buy anything with him. Your daughter is right to be concerned about this man's motives. He seems to care for your purse, not you.

[ShyViolet]

What was the point of leasing this apartment with him when you are not really living there?  So you are basically paying half his rent for him to live there?  I think that was a mistake and you both don't sound committed enough in this relationship to be taking this step of having an apartment together.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

What was the point of leasing this apartment with him when you are not really living there?  So you are basically paying half his rent for him to live there?

Also my question. 

Here you are worried that he won’t drive down to visit you but you moved in with the man - I think the expectation is that you will be there more often. 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/29/2022 at 4:04 PM, Uncertaintyahead said:

I also want to add that last Sunday was our one year anniversary and he said nothing to me. 

Stop paying rent on his apartment. You have your own house. If you stop paying half his rent, he'll quickly find another widow with assets to get money out of. All he talks about is how to sell your house and spend your money.

[glows]

On 9/29/2022 at 12:05 PM, Uncertaintyahead said:

I state this because I have a beautiful home that he can certainly come to if you would like to see me rather than me driving out to see him. I don’t wanna lose sight of our overall good relationship but it seems to me he should at least offer to come see me and then when I’m feeling up to it, I can go to him. I get the strong sense that if I don’t go there tomorrow to see him then I just won’t  see him again this weekend.  
I don’t ask for much and while he has called me a few times this week to check in on me he hasn’t really done anything to make me feel better in the sense that he would do something for me if I needed something etc. there’s been no offers. Does it sound like he’s just either selfish or lazy for using me??

It’s not clear if you’ve invited him over. Repeat yourself again if he didn’t hear the first time so he knows he’s welcome to come over and add that you would feel a bit better if he made the trip seeing as you’re under the weather. 

I get the sense there’s a deeper underlying unease here also. The feeling of someone taking advantage of you is a pretty serious claim and I wouldn’t treat it lightly if you disagree with the new lease. What are your options should you opt out or change your mind? The biggest loss isn’t a guy who’s incompatible with you, by the way. 

[Uncertaintyahead]

I told him I missed him and he was welcome to stay with me this past weekend. He declined and said the weather was going to be bad and he was tired from a long week at work. He did text me a few times and called once to see how I was feeling. He mentioned during our call that I go to the apt this coming week for a long weekend to “catch up”. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Uncertaintyahead said:

He mentioned during our call that I go to the apt this coming week for a long weekend to “catch up”. 

In that case you can just say you’re not feeling well and would like to stay put and repeat again that he’s welcome to come over if the weather clears. 

He may be lazy or you may be too obliging. Take care of yourself. Don’t play any games or test him if you feel he’s distancing himself. If you are second guessing the lease agreement look at your options and deal with this separately. And also still please take care of yourself and get your rest.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Uncertaintyahead said:

 He mentioned during our call that I go to the apt this coming week for a long weekend to “catch up”. 

Stop paying his rent. See what he does.

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, Uncertaintyahead said:

I told him I missed him and he was welcome to stay with me this past weekend. He declined and said the weather was going to be bad and he was tired from a long week at work. He mentioned during our call that I go to the apt this coming week for a long weekend to “catch up”. 

He is quite clear with his expectations. He wanted you to live together and he expects you to be with him in the apartment you share. You need to do some self reflection and decide if this works for you. Don’t sacrifice yourself for this relationship.

Edited October 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Uncertaintyahead]

Yes that was the original intent but it’s a big leap for me. New town, new apt, living with someone (haven’t done this since my husband passed over 10 years ago). All new for me. I need to take this in small doses. 

[Uncertaintyahead]

And it’s just occurred to me. How do I know if he’s using me or not?

[glows]

Just now, Uncertaintyahead said:

And it’s just occurred to me. How do I know if he’s using me or not?

Do you feel used? Like it was a huge mistake? Don’t continue and break it off with this guy. You don’t sound too pleased with him and are finding a lot of reasons to end it. What matters is you are questioning the validity of the relationship. Are any of these suspicions worth the hassle? Why live your life in perpetual stress? 

11 minutes ago, Uncertaintyahead said:

Yes that was the original intent but it’s a big leap for me. New town, new apt, living with someone (haven’t done this since my husband passed over 10 years ago). All new for me. I need to take this in small doses. 

Are you living with him? It sounds like a second home you visit when you’re free. Where is any of this going? Is he expecting you to sell your home and live with him? 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Uncertaintyahead said:

And it’s just occurred to me. How do I know if he’s using me or not?

You are paying half his rent. All he talks about is ways to spend your money such as selling your home to buy one he wants. All this within a year to hustle you? Test him. Stop paying his rent. You'll quickly see that he will treat you even worse than now and will move on to another widow with assets he can swindle her out of.

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Uncertaintyahead said:

And it’s just occurred to me. How do I know if he’s using me or not?

If you are always the one giving, always the one sacrificing, always the one paying, always the one driving, always the one… that is very unbalanced.

I too have sold my home and moved in with a man later in life. It was a huge decision, one that I agonized over. I’ve also seen my dad sell our family home to move in with a woman after the death of my mother - one that he says he regrets to this day…

If your heart is telling you that you are not ready, you are not ready. There is nothing wrong with that. 

That said, if you are not living with the man, you should not be paying his rent. And, it sounds like you are not living with the man right now. So, stop paying his rent. 

 

[BaileyB]

On 9/29/2022 at 2:05 PM, Uncertaintyahead said:

I’ve been seeing someone steadily for over a year and we are about an hour apart.

If I may, there is absolutely no way that I would have sold my home to move in a man that I had been dating for a year. I would spend weekends with him, but I would keep my own home. I would keep it particularly because it was the family home . If things don’t work out in the relationship, no big deal. Life goes on. But, once that family home is sold, you can never get it back. 

[Acacia98]

50 minutes ago, Uncertaintyahead said:

And it’s just occurred to me. How do I know if he’s using me or not?

I think yours is an unequal relationship: one of you (i.e. you) is putting in more of an effort than the other to keep it going.

Look, I'm sure we can all think up all sorts of excuses to justify why he never or almost never comes to your house and you seemingly always go to his town and your "shared" home. But, IMO, if you're genuinely interested in someone, you want to know about their life. You make the effort to visit them in their home area, to see their home, to meet their family and friends. And you want them to do the same for you. That's because two people in a healthy relationship who genuinely care about each other want to share their lives with each other. Reciprocity is the norm.

That's under the best of circumstances. If things are not so great, for instance, if your sweetie is sick, you still want to share your lives with each other. But this time, it is expected that the person in good health  will go and visit their unwell partner and comfort them and see if they need help of any kind. That is the decent, humane thing to do.

In other words, if your boyfriend just sits back and relaxes when you are unwell and can't be bothered to do more than express sympathy on the phone and wait for you to come and visit him, you need to start asking yourself whether you'll be okay with his behavior in the long term. Because this is who he is at his best.

If I had to label your guy, I'd say he was potentially lazy and self-centered. It also sounds like you may be too accomodating.

 

Edited October 2, 2022 by Acacia98

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

IMO, if you're genuinely interested in someone, you want to know about their life. You make the effort to visit them in their home area, to see their home, to meet their family and friends. And you want them to do the same for you. That's because two people in a healthy relationship who genuinely care about each other want to share their lives with each other. Reciprocity is the norm.

Both my father and my partner are men who like their own comforts, rather set in their ways. Both men put in a tremendous effort before moving in with their partners. We would spend weekends at my partner’s home, but he would come to my home several times a week. I would cook for him during the week, he would cook for me on the weekend. My father drove an hour to stay with his girlfriend at least one or two nights a week. He would also drive to spend the weekends at her home. It surprised me actually, he was away from home more than he was home early in their relationship.

But, he was pressuring her to move into his home. He didn’t want to be driving all the time and he didn’t like staying at her home. He was very happy when she moved into his home, but she was not because it was the home he shared with my mother. Thus, the need to sell the home. Again, he sacrificed himself for the sake of his relationship… but when he is honest, he says that he regrets selling the home. The things is - he wanted her to commit and relationships are about reciprocity. I don’t remember exactly, but I think they moved in together about 3-4 years into their relationship. It was a huge decision for everyone. 

Edited October 2, 2022 by BaileyB