What to do when you've had numerous first dates that have gone nowhere?

[LostInHisOwnWorld]

Howdy all. Bit of a read so I provided a TLDR at the end.

Quick background: I'm a 28-year-old male, living in a medium-sized city with a full-time job. Kissed a bunch of girls over the years but didn't lose the v-card till 25. Have had many opportunities that I didn't capitalise on due to shitty confidence. Had a girlfriend over the course of Covid but broke up a year ago cus I didn't want anything serious.

Anywho, I returned to dating in June. I lost weight, re-read Models and No More Mr Nice Guy, got back into a prior hobby, started travelling more, etc. Basically went on a self-improvement streak. Also took a bunch of new photos. Since then, I've had little problem getting matches. First date I went on led to sex on the second. We were very intimate, lovey-dovey, but shortly after date four she texted that she couldn't see me anymore. I was upfront, did I do anything to offend or bother you? She said no, I was a lovely guy.

Since then I've been on 8 first dates, all through dating apps. Except for one, all dates have been drinks. I try to be myself, move venues, sit next to her and initiate physical contact. Three I didn't want to see again and the feeling was mutual, they were friendly but kept a distance physically and didn't respond much to flirting. One was just flat-out weird, we met for a coffee date, very friendly and chatty, then 30 minutes later she said she had to study then literally jogged out of the building. I got a text after saying she was too busy with work and college to date.

Three first dates in particular stung. One was a slightly older foreign woman, we hanged out for 4 hours and ended the date with a kiss. We texted regularly and I suggested meeting again some days later, but her family was coming to visit for a few weeks. She asked for a raincheck but became less responsive as time progressed and eventually I stopped hearing back from her.

Another was a really fun girl my age. She was very flirty, touchy-feely. I went for the kiss and she turned it down. She then wanted to meet her friend and invited me, but when I walked her to the place I decided to leave. She text me later saying she doesn't kiss on first dates but wanted to meet again. We did, had a great date, and she suggested a third at the end. I didn't go for the kiss. She flaked on the third, and when I tried to reschedule she was finally honest and just wanted to be friends.

Most recent date was a girl I'd been chatting to for a week. She was very flirty on video chat and eager to meet. I met her in her town, immediately she was physical. Holding my hand, rubbing my arms, talking to me about sex. I went for the kiss after dinner, got the cheek and usual not-a-first-date kisser explanation. We hanged for 6 hours over drinks, me doing most of the buying. There was constant touching and hugging (she even let me rub her bare legs), but sadly I had to leave to make it to work the next day. She even asked me to call in sick and stay. When I got on the bus, she sent me a friendzone text. I told her I felt led on, she apologised, and that was that.

I'm at a loss. I know rejection is normal and should be embraced, but it sucks to consistently meet women who are flirting and seemingly enthusiastic with you, only to get ignored or friendzoned. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Has anyone been in a similar predicament, and if so what did you to do to improve and what advice can you offer? I'm taking a break from dating until I get some perspective. Thanks!

TLDR -- Inexperienced guy who had a girlfriend till last year. Went back to online dating in June, slept with one girl who ended things after a few dates. Been on unsuccessful dates with 8 women since, three were seemingly really interested but one ghosted and two (in my opinion) led me on. Would like some advice from people who've had similar struggles.

[Maldives]

Ok. There is one common theme here. Well to me there is and that's the dating app so I think you have to take  into account with dating apps, you're probably going to go on lots and lots and lots and lots of dates before you strike Gold and find someone that resonates and is a match for you. And that's what I find problematic with these apps because you can text but you just won't know what the person's like until you meet in real life. Me personally I'm trying to not go back on them. They're just a waste of time and being male your forking out most of the time for the first dates so I would say just something to take into consideration because it can become quite expensive

Edited September 30, 2022 by Goodguy05

[glows]

It’s hard to say not meeting you in person or knowing your full background. They may just not see you as dating/boyfriend material, at the risk of sounding harsh (not intended, being honest here). You may come off as someone who’s fun to flirt with and fool around with but realize soon after you’re a bit too serious. What have your friends been able to tell you? They would know you much better.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

 I lost weight, re-read Models and No More Mr Nice Guy, 

, all dates have been drinks. I try to be myself, move venues, sit next to her and initiate physical contact. 

It sounds like you are trying to get too physical too fast and it's turning them off. It's good you are taking care of yourself and your health but skip the how to land them asap books.

Use your own wisdom and common sense. Take your time play it by ear and don't take things personally. Sometimes dating is a lot of one and done. However women can sense when you're just trying to score so pace yourself a bit better. Try to avoid PUA myths.

 

[Gaeta]

I went on 200 first coffee date before meeting my ex-bf. Online dating is brutal. You need a thick skin. Back then I would go meet any man I found attractive. Sometimes I had 2 meetings a day. I was concentrating on the quantity, and not the quality.

After my ex I was single 2 years and I went on several first dates as well but not as many, probably 2 dozen, except this time around I was more selective, I spoke on the phone with them a couple of times to get a feel of their personality, I had to feel an intellectual connection to get out of my house to go meet them, and finally I met someone. 

So, 8 nonconclusive first dates is nothing. Be prepared to count them by the dozen before it clicks with someone. Meanwhile, your life must go on, get involved in different activities and maybe you'll meet someone the good old ways. 

[Weezy1973]

Are you still not looking for anything serious? 

[mark clemson]

Women have lots of options online and from what I hear, some of them seem to go into a sort of "shopping mode" where there are so many options they have a hard time just settling with a person.

Maybe look for someone you meet in RL who is not happy with/burned out on online dating and they will be more responsive.

Maybe this doesn't apply for you, but generally I'd say be mindful of how your personality comes across - first dates can be a bit like job interviews in that there's a lot of "assessment" going on, and people can sometimes overreact to relatively minor negatives. So save discussion of e.g. frustrations with online dating and/or any generalizations you may have developed about women for guy friends.

Edited September 30, 2022 by mark clemson

[smackie9]

You need to up your game, show more confidence, maybe be more aloof, have some swagger/charm. These ladies are attracted but your vide is turning them off in some way. 

[Despin]

Sorry but it sounds like none of them were really attracted to you. The ones that seemed like it, well their actions in the end said it all.

They might have been using you for drinks and maybe you hold interesting conversations.

 

[Alvi]

23 hours ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

TLDR -- Inexperienced guy who had a girlfriend till last year. Went back to online dating in June, slept with one girl who ended things after a few dates. Been on unsuccessful dates with 8 women since, three were seemingly really interested but one ghosted and two (in my opinion) led me on. Would like some advice from people who've had similar struggles.

In a grand scheme of things 8 dates is absolutely nothing. On-line dating is not easy, to say the least. You have to figure a way to  make yourself to stand out from thousands of other guys on a dating site if you want to be noticed. I have to say, that majority of women in your age range (25-32 years old, give or take few years) are probably bombarded by messages from many, many men.  They probably get a 100+ messages daily. They have a luxury of picking and choosing. But not so much for the men, unless you are really good looking and/or wealthy. Sad but true. At least you are getting some dates, there are men out there who cannot get even a single date. And most first dates really don't go anywhere and don't end up in a relationship. That is a given.

Having said that, how well do you screen women before you meet them? I am not talking about the looks, more about the personality of the women that you are talking to. Do you have some system in place where you weed out women who are either incompatible (lifestyles, goals, beliefs, etc...) or timewasters? If you are looking for a relationship, then perhaps meeting women who are talking about sex from the get-go might not be too wise. 

23 hours ago, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

. I try to be myself, move venues, sit next to her and initiate physical contact.

I don't know you  but do you think that this could actually be a problem? How much psychical contact are we talking about here? Some women would not be comfortable at all if a guy gets too "touchy" during a first meet. One time, a guy tried to touch my leg and didn't stop after I told him to stop. So, I stood up and left. Another time, a guy literally showed his tongue into my mouth. He looked completely clueless after I freaked out and run off. This is just some examples where initiating physical contact could go terribly wrong.

Are you a good conversationalist? Do you think that women find your flirts and jokes funny?

 

[ShyViolet]

I'm getting the sense that you are getting too touchy-feely too fast and it's coming off as creepy.  Stop trying to touch them and kiss them right away.  Try being more of a gentleman and respecting their space and just getting to know them on the first date.  

[Despin]

My older sister has been on dozens if not hundreds of first dates since her marriage ended 10 years ago. Online dating has been her main focus in life, when she gets on the phone it's all she talks about.

One or two guys stuck around for a month or so,  there were a few that stuck around for a few dates.

But most were one date and ghost.

The number one reason this happens- as is probably the case with my sister- is false advertising on the dating profile, primarily by using old photos that show a much younger, fitter person.

My sister gives me an insight as to what drives people to post um.. "inaccurate" photos. She believes that "I haven't really changed all that much since those were taken, and besides, my award winning personality will erase all doubt as to whether I'm worth meeting."

 

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Despin

[Ami1uwant]

On 9/29/2022 at 9:16 PM, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

Howdy all. Bit of a read so I provided a TLDR at the end.

Quick background: I'm a 28-year-old male, living in a medium-sized city with a full-time job. Kissed a bunch of girls over the years but didn't lose the v-card till 25. Have had many opportunities that I didn't capitalise on due to shitty confidence. Had a girlfriend over the course of Covid but broke up a year ago cus I didn't want anything serious.

Anywho, I returned to dating in June. I lost weight, re-read Models and No More Mr Nice Guy, got back into a prior hobby, started travelling more, etc. Basically went on a self-improvement streak. Also took a bunch of new photos. Since then, I've had little problem getting matches. First date I went on led to sex on the second. We were very intimate, lovey-dovey, but shortly after date four she texted that she couldn't see me anymore. I was upfront, did I do anything to offend or bother you? She said no, I was a lovely guy.

Since then I've been on 8 first dates, all through dating apps. Except for one, all dates have been drinks. I try to be myself, move venues, sit next to her and initiate physical contact. Three I didn't want to see again and the feeling was mutual, they were friendly but kept a distance physically and didn't respond much to flirting. One was just flat-out weird, we met for a coffee date, very friendly and chatty, then 30 minutes later she said she had to study then literally jogged out of the building. I got a text after saying she was too busy with work and college to date.

Three first dates in particular stung. One was a slightly older foreign woman, we hanged out for 4 hours and ended the date with a kiss. We texted regularly and I suggested meeting again some days later, but her family was coming to visit for a few weeks. She asked for a raincheck but became less responsive as time progressed and eventually I stopped hearing back from her.

Another was a really fun girl my age. She was very flirty, touchy-feely. I went for the kiss and she turned it down. She then wanted to meet her friend and invited me, but when I walked her to the place I decided to leave. She text me later saying she doesn't kiss on first dates but wanted to meet again. We did, had a great date, and she suggested a third at the end. I didn't go for the kiss. She flaked on the third, and when I tried to reschedule she was finally honest and just wanted to be friends.

Most recent date was a girl I'd been chatting to for a week. She was very flirty on video chat and eager to meet. I met her in her town, immediately she was physical. Holding my hand, rubbing my arms, talking to me about sex. I went for the kiss after dinner, got the cheek and usual not-a-first-date kisser explanation. We hanged for 6 hours over drinks, me doing most of the buying. There was constant touching and hugging (she even let me rub her bare legs), but sadly I had to leave to make it to work the next day. She even asked me to call in sick and stay. When I got on the bus, she sent me a friendzone text. I told her I felt led on, she apologised, and that was that.

I'm at a loss. I know rejection is normal and should be embraced, but it sucks to consistently meet women who are flirting and seemingly enthusiastic with you, only to get ignored or friendzoned. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Has anyone been in a similar predicament, and if so what did you to do to improve and what advice can you offer? I'm taking a break from dating until I get some perspective. Thanks!

TLDR -- Inexperienced guy who had a girlfriend till last year. Went back to online dating in June, slept with one girl who ended things after a few dates. Been on unsuccessful dates with 8 women since, three were seemingly really interested but one ghosted and two (in my opinion) led me on. Would like some advice from people who've had similar struggles.

 

unsure how you are selecting people to talk to….

 

you aren’t going to have success.  You are going to have people who are not matches to you.

 

with some they might not feel something with you. 
 

two problrm areas you discovered

 

1. if you date someone early on and thrn they go on some extended travel. You aren’t established yet to regularly communicate so it becomes out of site and out of mind.  Thrn it becomes a thing of thry didn’t reach out thry might not be interested deadlock.

 

2.  You are not the only ones they are dating. You dhoukd assume they are also dating 2-4 others.  From these thr peop,e create rankings snd likely persue the top pick and the others fade offs. They might keep distant from ine if they think it could be their 2nd choice/ back up if sfter 3-5 dates this other thing doesn’t work out.

 

another issue with online dating is how they make choices.  Sometimes people have trouble making choices where they pass over a potentially good dating partner over a first date because they know they have others lined up.  If they had met in a more traditional way pre online this couple might have had some long term relationship

Edited October 1, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[Versacehottie]

you sound like you are only trying to measure how you are doing by how physical you get....and by using that as your measure of "success" you are too focused on the physical and not making an emotional connection that would get you to that point. 

IMO this is where your lack of experience with women in general or overall is biting you in the butt. You don't seem to understand that you will get much farther with them physically if you can connect with them and have good personality, banter, flirting, etc skills. If you don't have those and have only improved your looks, you will probably still stumble.  Work on your ability to connect with people--and the physical stuff tends to have AS A RESULT of that connection. 

[basil67]

Back in the olden days, more success on first dates because we'd meet at a party or venue and we got the vibe of the other person before agreeing to a date, so the odds of success were much higher.    Where as online dating is really just a cr@pshoot because you don't even know if you will vibe well, and so you'll get many, many more fails.   So given that it's a cr@pshoot, I think your expectations are too high and this leads to disappointment.   I think you need to better manage your expectations.  Hope for the best but remain open to the fact that there is a high chance it's not going to work.

Of the three you describe, there's really nothing which should reasonably sting.  The older foreign lady simply wasn't interested enough to follow up.   The fun girl who was your age liked you enough to get to know you better, but then found that it didn't feel right for her...but hey, she did like you enough to give you a couple more dates.   The last women who was flirting and  holding hands and rubbing arms and legs with you but wouldn't kiss on the first date was weird and I think you dodged a bullet.  While one always has the right to refuse sex or kisses, I don't think it's cool to deliberately wind up your date knowing that nothing will happen.

One thing about kissing on the first date is that there must be mutual chemistry before you try.  If there is no chemistry, the kiss will be unwanted/rejected.

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Question, who is actually *good* at dating?

Very few of us mere mortals. 

On 9/29/2022 at 6:16 PM, LostInHisOwnWorld said:

I'm at a loss. I know rejection is normal and should be embraced, but it sucks to consistently meet women who are flirting and seemingly enthusiastic with you, only to get ignored or friendzoned. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Has anyone been in a similar predicament, and if so what did you to do to improve and what advice can you offer? I'm taking a break from dating until I get some perspective

Try not to be too quick to return their flirtations physically if they flirt with you. You may find that you are confused when they seem to be giving you the thumbs up, so you may wish to counter with a smile or flirtation in return. Build it up! See how it goes! 

From the sound it though?

You're fine. You're getting dates.

There’s an abundance of women just keep trying different things until something sticks. It just means you haven’t been on enough dates yet. It's a good thing there hasn't been a second date. If there were, you would have to endure an uninteresting afternoon with someone who would be devoid of any interest in you. You got this.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm getting the sense that you are getting too touchy-feely too fast and it's coming off as creepy.  

Yes. This. You're reading too much PUA material about "escalating physically" and they're getting creeped out.

Of course a certain amount of one and done dates is par for the course, but try to pace yourself and be more astute about sensing the situation.