How to express my love

[PascaleS]

How do you express your love in words to your partner? Let me explain. I was with the same guy for 14 years until last year. When I met this guy who changed everything. In my past relationship, i was saying stuff on social media like : love you forever, you are stuck with me, i wouldnt want to go through this with anybody else, etc etc. Those words were always said in a certain goal. Like I wanted to fit in a certain image. We met young, we stayed together, we went through infertility problems, we were this lovely and cute couple in the eyes of everybody you see. And when I was posting that stuff on social media, I was just saying it to make the image even more beautiful and licked. But I know today that I wasnt FEELING it. It was a motion. I settled with a good guy that everybody loved and wr were a role model of a couple for people in the entourage. But im in a new relationship now and damn. Do I know now how I wasnt feeling all of it for real. The problem is, my new partner knows what I was saying and is telling me that it loses it sincerity when I say it to him now, which I understand, and I have no idea how to say the same thing without saying the same thing so he understands how much its true... I always had the right words to put on a show on social media but I cant seem to make him understand that I really mean it. And we are also in a long long distance relationship. So it doesnt make it easier..

Pascale.

Edited September 30, 2022 by PascaleS

[basil67]

It sounds like you've reflected that all that lovey stuff you wrote had little basis in reality.  That it was more about you getting likes and feedback from others and projecting your relationship in a certain way rather than true loving.   

So in order to get your new partner's trust,  first of all tell him that you've realised just how fake your previous gushy behaviour was and you're going to do things completely differently.  Tell him that you're going to express love in a private and personal manner so that he knows you're not just saying the words for 'likes' on your profile or to fit an image. 

For that matter, pull right back on the whole social media fakeness and #couplegoals and just live your life without selfies and social media attention seeking.  If you be real for him, he will trust your words.

Edited September 30, 2022 by basil67

[glows]

Has he indicated or said to you in some way he is unsure about how you feel about him? Have there been disagreements? My thoughts are you’re trying very hard and I’m not sure who you’re doing it for? Are you the one unsure of your ldr, trying to convince yourself it’s worthwhile? Where’s the need for all this coming from? 

When you understand one another you’re also in tune with each others’ wants/desires/hopes for the future. No matter how much or how little is said the understanding is still rock solid. So… I’m curious about your dynamic or where your thoughts are in all this.

Edited September 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

I would first reflect on where this is all coming from, OP. 

Has your new man been scrolling back through your old social media posts and comparing himself to your ex? How long ago did you and your ex break up? And how much time do you spend with your new boyfriend in person? 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, PascaleS said:

... I always had the right words to put on a show on social media .we are also in a long long distance relationship. 

Have you met in person? Try not to display your personal life all over social media. Keep in mind anyone can read that. Why can't you telephone or video chat?

[PascaleS]

On 9/30/2022 at 12:07 AM, basil67 said:

It sounds like you've reflected that all that lovey stuff you wrote had little basis in reality.  That it was more about you getting likes and feedback from others and projecting your relationship in a certain way rather than true loving.   

So in order to get your new partner's trust,  first of all tell him that you've realised just how fake your previous gushy behaviour was and you're going to do things completely differently.  Tell him that you're going to express love in a private and personal manner so that he knows you're not just saying the words for 'likes' on your profile or to fit an image. 

For that matter, pull right back on the whole social media fakeness and #couplegoals and just live your life without selfies and social media attention seeking.  If you be real for him, he will trust your words.

I feel like it really was, yes. Not that it was a bad relation, it was a lot for the image and what was expected out of that relation. 

Thank you for that. Im gonna try that. I've said those things but maybe I wasnt clear enough. For me its more meaningful that i do it in private and thats why I have been pulling back from the social media. We aren't in a situation where it can be done really (its a bit complicated and a long story), but I dont feel like displaying that stuff on social media that much anymore. 

He has is own trauma and difficult past so trust doesnt come easy for him so I get that he can have reservations sometimes and feel more down. I have my own too. 

Again, thank you.

[PascaleS]

On 9/30/2022 at 2:33 AM, glows said:

Has he indicated or said to you in some way he is unsure about how you feel about him? Have there been disagreements? My thoughts are you’re trying very hard and I’m not sure who you’re doing it for? Are you the one unsure of your ldr, trying to convince yourself it’s worthwhile? Where’s the need for all this coming from? 

When you understand one another you’re also in tune with each others’ wants/desires/hopes for the future. No matter how much or how little is said the understanding is still rock solid. So… I’m curious about your dynamic or where your thoughts are in all this.

Its not that he is unsure, he believes me and he says it. There is no disagreements. Its just that sometimes, he feels scared because he was hurt and abused in the past by other women and I think that seeing me repeating the same kind of things to him can on occasion create a fear when he is in a certain state of mind. I am very very sure about my feelings and its sometimes very unsettling how sure I am. I have never felt like that. I just dont know what to say to him when he gets in that kind of mood, to reassure him and help him get through it. It doesnt happen often, but i dont know what i can do to help in those moments.

Otherwise, i agree with you about being rock solid, and thats very much how I feel in this relation. 

I dont know if its clear. 

[PascaleS]

On 9/30/2022 at 3:13 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I would first reflect on where this is all coming from, OP. 

Has your new man been scrolling back through your old social media posts and comparing himself to your ex? How long ago did you and your ex break up? And how much time do you spend with your new boyfriend in person? 

This is a very unsual situation and some may judge me or him for it tbh. We spent one week together in march and another one in july. We in 2 different countries and like.. 22 hours car ride away. So we cant see each other over a week end or out of the blue. 

Its coming from him own past, in my opinion. Its coming from the fact that he was cheated on and abused and sometimes it can be triggered by something. I have my own stuff that gets triggered all the time. I just wish i could have the right words for him in those situations.

[PascaleS]

On 9/30/2022 at 5:37 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? Try not to display your personal life all over social media. Keep in mind anyone can read that. Why can't you telephone or video chat?

We met 2 times yes. Very true. 

We can telephone and video chat. We do it every day and we talk a lot. We are just in an unusual situation that can sometimes rip us of our us time. 

[glows]

33 minutes ago, PascaleS said:

Its not that he is unsure, he believes me and he says it. There is no disagreements. Its just that sometimes, he feels scared because he was hurt and abused in the past by other women and I think that seeing me repeating the same kind of things to him can on occasion create a fear when he is in a certain state of mind. I am very very sure about my feelings and its sometimes very unsettling how sure I am. I have never felt like that. I just dont know what to say to him when he gets in that kind of mood, to reassure him and help him get through it. It doesnt happen often, but i dont know what i can do to help in those moments.

Otherwise, i agree with you about being rock solid, and thats very much how I feel in this relation. 

I dont know if its clear. 

 

25 minutes ago, PascaleS said:

This is a very unsual situation and some may judge me or him for it tbh. We spent one week together in march and another one in july. We in 2 different countries and like.. 22 hours car ride away. So we cant see each other over a week end or out of the blue. 

Its coming from him own past, in my opinion. Its coming from the fact that he was cheated on and abused and sometimes it can be triggered by something. I have my own stuff that gets triggered all the time. I just wish i could have the right words for him in those situations.

I’m not going to judge you for the ldr because lord knows it happens. Youre capable of making your own decisions there as is he. Have you considered that you don’t need to say anything? Just being there is proof enough that you care. Take it day by day and as with any relationship don’t overinvest or jump too far ahead. If you haven’t spent enough time together it’s exactly that. You have not spent enough time together. Go at this at a more reasonable pace.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/29/2022 at 11:11 PM, PascaleS said:

And we are also in a long long distance relationship.

Do you speak the same language or is there a language barrier? It shouldn't be complicated to tell someone how you feel. 

Edited October 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[PascaleS]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you speak the same language or is there a language barrier? It shouldn't be complicated to tell someone how you feel. 

English isnt my first langage, and its his langage.

Edited October 1, 2022 by PascaleS

[PascaleS]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you speak the same language or is there a language barrier? It shouldn't be complicated to tell someone how you feel. 

And its not that its complicated. I just feel like theres is no words strong enough to say it. Its like they are unadequate for how I feel. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, PascaleS said:

And its not that its complicated. I just feel like theres is no words strong enough to say it. Its like they are unadequate for how I feel. 

Actions are much more important than words. Gushing sentimentality is not always the best way to show you care.

Words especially won't make up for only seeing each other twice in all this time. Why not date local men who you can communicate with more effectively and see on a regular basis?

A long distance romance may seem ok for a while but unfortunately as you have noticed, it's very hard to keep things going with words alone