My now GF of one year slept with another guy when we were first talking

[fabo223]

My GF and I where talking for about a month when she did something that would ruin our relationship forever. So me and my GF met and started hanging out almost every other day, we connected right away. One day, she invited me over to her new place that she got along with her housemate (girl). They had a few people over, and then another guy walks in. As soon as he walks in, i get these weird vibes, i feel like she was kinda eyeing him, and flirting with him, it wasnt too obvious but I cant tell something was going on there. I had it when she went outside and chugged a beer with him and left me like an idiot in the living room. I decided to leave because I was upset. 

Fast forward to 6 months later, i ask her about that day and she denies it and says nothing happened, another 2 months pass by and we make it official. About 2 weeks later I go through her phone and I see everything and i ask her one more time if she slept with him that night after I left, and she said yes and started crying.

Ever since, we have argued so much and it all has to do with this. I cant take it anymore, just the though of the guy having sex with my GF after I left tears me apart and I cant take it anymore I am driving myself crazy

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, fabo223 said:

 2 weeks later I go through her phone and I see everything and i ask her one more time if she slept with him that night after I left.

What inspired you to invade her privacy and rifle through her phone? Especially when you claim you were just talking at that point in time?

Unfortunately this doesn't seem like a trusting or happy relationship. Why not end it so you are both free to date someone else?

[FMW]

If you can't move past it then end the relationship.  From what you wrote, you were "talking" and hanging out, not actually in a relationship where you had agreed to not see other people.  If she was already in some sort of relationship with the other guy where they had been having sex previously, even if just a FWB, she probably did not feel she owed you exclusivity at that moment in time.  She initially denied any connection with him because at 6 months into your relationship when you first asked about it she didn't want to cause problems - like you're having now.  You didn't make it "official" until 8 months after it happened.  it doesn't sound like her lying about it was the actual issue for you, but the sex itself.  

I can understand you not liking it and you absolutely can choose to end your relationship over it.  But don't stay with her and continue holding this against her.  

Edited September 30, 2022 by FMW
addition about lying not being the main issue

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, fabo223 said:

I cant take it anymore, just the though of the guy having sex with my GF after I left tears me apart and I cant take it anymore I am driving myself crazy

Then it's time to end the relationship. 

There is no sense going around in circles and tormenting yourself. Just dump her and be done with it. 

[glows]

It doesn’t sound like you were dating exclusively (just talking for a month) when she was with someone else. Also odd that you asked her about a day so far back in history 6 months later. What was the point of this? Not clear here. She can sleep with anyone she wants when there’s no agreement you’re a couple not seeing others.

In total it took the both of you 8 months to come to an understanding you’d like to date each other exclusively? Why did it take so long?

Added to this going  through her phone etc suggests the relationship is tumultuous and not meant to be. Please try not to go looking for issues and problems. If you said now that she was still in contact with this person and seeing him after you were a couple I understand how upsetting that would be. If this isn’t the case and this happened way back before you were a couple you’re letting your ego and jealousy get too much of you.

A word of caution about individuals you don’t trust or don’t get a good feeling about: don’t date them! You may be paranoid or maybe your feelings are justified 100%. Save yourself the hassle and don’t come across as insecure and controlling. That ends a relationship anyway.  Ultimately you’re in charge of your own happiness. She doesn’t cut it or seem trustworthy? Don’t drag one another through the mud. Respectfully end it.

 

Edited October 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, fabo223 said:

So me and my GF met and started hanging out almost every other day, we connected right away. One day, she invited me over to her new place that she got along with her housemate (girl).

I know this stings for you.

If you weren’t exclusive, the two of you have not yet committed to seeing each other exclusively, right?

That is to say, you were free to date, see, and have sex with other people at any time. You included. 

She just chose to do it with someone else the same night you hung out with her after you left.

Tacky? Sure.

Always better to know someone isn't compatible sooner than later.

Edited September 30, 2022 by Alpacalia

[mark clemson]

You sound overly jealous. This happened when you weren't even going out yet.  On the one hand, she could (some might say should) have told you about it. On the other hand, since it happened before you started going out it's not really any of your business and she may have (correctly) surmised that you wouldn't handle it well.

If this bothers you so much, then walk away. IMO you are being emotionally immature about this (again given that you weren't going out when it happened, and you are "getting into arguments over it"  - what's there to argue about? you can't change the past). Consider that you might benefit from some therapy. Past a certain age essentially EVERY woman you date is going to have some "history" so if you can't deal with that you've got a real problem.

Edited September 30, 2022 by mark clemson

[basil67]

15 hours ago, fabo223 said:

Ever since, we have argued so much and it all has to do with this.

Would I be correct in assuming that the fights are being started by you?   If you keep this up, she will have no choice but to break up with you.  

Edited October 1, 2022 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

If you are willing to actually throw away the entire relationship over this, then go right ahead.  Maybe this relationship isn't for you.

But honestly I think you are being ridiculous and unreasonable.  You were not in any type of committed or exclusive relationship with her at the time.  You were just "talking".  It would be two whole months until you started an official relationship.  If you're going to be this jealous and controlling in future relationships, going through people's phones, you are going to have a really hard time having healthy relationships in the future.  I think you really need to do some self-reflection on how jealous and controlling you are.

[Mike B.]

I think your ego is hurt more than anything and it is understandable. It's only human. Who wouldn't have somewhat of a bruised ego if the person you were interested in became more attracted and interested in someone else who walked into the room?  You said she began eyeing him and flirting with him when he arrived which was in poor taste on her part, in my opinion. Although since you two were not dating exclusively, she had the right to sleep with him but, it just wasn't cool for her to start setting this up in your presence.

I completely understand if you never get over this but don't make her miserable because you cannot get over it. Just walk away and let her live her life without your rage. It has made you upset enough at this point that considering how this unfolded over time, I don't think it will be salvageable. You can try to put it out of your mind now but it will only continue to resurface and torture you down the line and you will make her miserable for it then resentment will really kick in.

Just remember, most of the time in these sort of situations, if you decide to just leave because you are so upset, you are basically leaving the gate opened for the the woman you are dating to proceed with whatever lust she is getting caught up into. I am sure the other guy was very thankful that his competition left the arena so easily.

When you left, you basically gave her the greenlight to take advantage of the non-exclusive status of the relationship. Next time,  It may be better to stick around, flash your feathers more brightly or suggest exclusivity at that moment since it was obviously upsetting you.  So what if she realizes that the situation prompted you to make things exclusive. You can simply say that you decided that you would not like to share her with another person. That's why we get into exclusive relationships in the first place.

Hopefully, this will show you that it is generally not a good idea to snoop through someone's phone and emails. We would all be single if we snooped through our partner's phone and emails.

 

[Weezy1973]

[ ] Whether she had the "right" to sleep with someone else when you and her had been talking is completely irrelevant. It really bothers you, and you can't stop thinking about it. She didn't do anything wrong per se, but your feelings are your feelings. The question you have to ask yourself, is this something you can get over or not. Or even more important, is she someone you can trust. If the answer to either of these is "no", then it's time to end the relationship.

Edited October 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[smackie9]

If the relationship is now tainted, breakup. You can't keep punishing her for it, that's just cruel and pointless. it is what it is. You saw how she was mackin on the guy in front of you...why didn't you just ditch her then? 

Edited October 5, 2022 by smackie9

[spiritedaway2003]

Check to see if it's just your ego that is hurt, or if you're bothered that she slept with someone else.  Even if you are dating someone new, it's almost more likely than not that the new person will have a past dating history.  Figure out which is really bothering you first.  I'm not sure why you would keep pressing her on the details on that night.  Keeping in mind that she hadn't done anything wrong since you both were not in any sort of relationship then.

[smackie9]

OP is a one and done poster.