ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 7 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said: I feel like I need to go to some isolated island and just live alone for an extended period or something I would explore why you're having such an extreme emotional reaction to all of this. I get that it's awkward now and you want to clear your name, but it doesn't warrant the despair you're feeling. It seems she let things go a little too far at this party and is now realizing she doesn't want to give you the wrong idea (by indicating she wants to do it again or something), so she's keeping her distance. I don't think you need to feel so badly about yourself over it. It will pass. But the message is very clear - she isn't interested in taking it further. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kovalchoke123 Posted October 3, 2022 Author Share Posted October 3, 2022 (edited) On 10/1/2022 at 10:18 AM, salparadise said: I don't believe any of this is your fault, and all of this man-shaming or whatever, is bogus. 1. she initiated as much if not more than you by dragging you to another room, 2. it doesn't sound like she was so drunk that she had no ability to consent –– you both knew what you were doing at the time, 3. nothing really happened anyway beyond some kissing, which I assume she willingly participated in given that she didn't run for the exit, 4. you aren't responsible for her next-day regret by virtue of you being male. She had a few drinks, got to feeling a little frisky, took you to another room, talked and kissed some... and the next day she and the friend are acting like you're an evil predator. BS. The only way this shifting of blame could be legitimate is if she was so drunk that she didn't know what she was doing (unable to say no), or you pushed yourself onto her. And based on what you've said here that was not the case (the exact conditions for being unable to consent aren't well defined). Next-day regrets, embarrassment or whatever does not absolve her from responsibility for her own judgement and behavior. I'd bet that this is mostly coming from the friend. She may have been fine the next day if the friend wasn't feeding her this narrative and telling her how she's supposed to feel. Your big mistake was mixing it up with coworkers and alcohol in a place where everyone could see everything. I think the fact that all of this occurred when everyone could see is the reason for the reaction. She's embarrassed at her own behavior and lack of self control after a few drinks. Lay low and see if it blows over, and in the meantime you might want to be sending out some resume's. I don't think it's actionable, but I also don't think they're going to have an epiphany any time soon and invite you back into the clique. I spoke with one of the other coworkers that was there (a nicer one) and she said "you tried kissing her lol" and I said "No I didn't she was the one who kissed me". I definitely think there was some false rumors going around Edited October 3, 2022 by kovalchoke123 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 13 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said: I appreciate your insight....this has been a really tough week for me...i am a very sensitive guy.. I don't know how or why this became such a big deal when I really didn't do anything. It's been so tough. I hang out with friends and family and have hobbies, but I still feel lonely and this always creeps into my mind and I feel like a villain. I feel like I need to go to some isolated island and just live alone for an extended period or something OP, when I was growing up and into early adulthood, I was diagnosed as being a "Highly Sensitive Person" (HSP), it's a very real affliction that affects many many people. It's nothing to feel shame for, I promise you. Like you, things that happened to me in my life - rejection, a harsh word or tone, being excluded from an event, etc affected me deeply, deeply, whereas another person might have let it roll off more easily. Also like you, I felt like disappearing; in fact living on a remote island away from people and the world, and all its harsh realities, was a huge fantasy of mine. In fact I still think about it from time to time! I received therapy, for that and other issues which provided me better ways to cope. There are also great books out there for those struggling with HSP, Amazon.com is a great resource for finding such books, reading them helped me A LOT. I'm a bit older now, and not nearly as sensitive to life's realities as I used to be. And I'm very happy, feel very much at peace, and thankfully able to manage my sensitive emotions and NOT allow the lemons life throws at me from time to time negatively affect me. My advice to you is consider therapy and start reading books on HSP. It IS a very real affliction as I said. Also, I found posting on anonymous forums very hurtful sometimes. As great and supportive as they are, they can also be quite harsh sometimes even when expressed respectfully. It's just the nature of the beast as they say. It can be both good and bad depending on the type of person you are. Some people benefit from the cold harsh truth but some people don't. My sense is you understand what's happening now with this co-worker and will distance yourself accordingly, it serves no purpose to continue harping on that so I won't. With time and distance, you will hopefully have a better understanding about it. For now focus on you. Take care of you. Strive to understand your motivations and reactions. As I suggested earlier, if it's feasible to leave this job and find another, if that will help you put this unfortunate incident behind you and focus on you, I would encourage you to do so. Some might call it running away, I call it loving yourself, taking care of yourself and knowing what's best for you. Finally, this is a great learning experience for you. Take advantage of this opportunity to introspect, learn and grow from.it. Get rid of any negative feelings of self-pity, they serve no good purpose. Take care of yourself and all the best moving forward. Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 (edited) 16 minutes ago, kovalchoke123 said: I spoke with one of the other coworkers and she said "you tried kissing her lol" and I said "No I didn't she was the one who kissed me". Leave this in the past. She wants to forget about it and so should you. Do Not get into debates about it with anyone. You're digging yourself into a hole. If you keep haranguing these women about who did what to whom, you may talk yourself out of a job. Let this rest and be professional at work from now on. Edited October 3, 2022 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said: I spoke with one of the other coworkers that was there (a nicer one) and she said "you tried kissing her lol" and I said "No I didn't she was the one who kissed me". I definitely think there was some false rumors going around Don’t deny any accusations from coworkers. It’s none of their business and muddies things even more. Change the subject and don’t dwell on this. The only people you have to answer to are the ones writing your paycheque or HR. Keep things friendly at work but don’t get emotionally involved. Edited October 3, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Author kovalchoke123 Posted October 4, 2022 Author Share Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) [ ] Today I felt alot better, I am slowly learning to not [care]. I actually find it kind of amusing now because she tells me to "move on" and "pretend nothing happened" but is being [rude] about it. She had borrowed one of my hockey sticks back when everything was okay, and dropped it off near my desk while I wasn't there. Like really you don't have the decency to just face me and hand it back? Edited October 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed reference to hidden content/language Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 (edited) [ ] She doesn’t owe you anything, OP. I’d keep the name calling and cussing to a minimum unless you’re looking for complaints involving harassment. If you’re finding it difficult try looking at other options for work. How vested are you in this position where you are? Edited October 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2022 Share Posted October 4, 2022 10 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said: she tells me to "move on" and "pretend nothing happened" Actually, that is a great idea. You need to step away from this fiasco and get back to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kovalchoke123 Posted November 23, 2022 Author Share Posted November 23, 2022 On 10/2/2022 at 1:12 PM, poppyfields said: This^ was my read on it too OP. This person does not deserve the pedestal you have placed her on and my advice is distance yourself as far as you can from her and the situation. She could make things very difficult for you if she wanted to and create an extremely toxic and hostile work environment and then blame you. Who you miss is who you thought she was, not the person she actually is. You idealized her and petestalized her which clouded your judgment; now you know the "true" her, a Jezebal of sorts who is only out for herself, move on you can do better. I might even suggest finding another job if that's possible. Good luck moving forward from this mess, including her. I'm sorry. So I was let go from my job last week. She was forming a clique at work with the other girls and barely spoke to me even on work related stuff. It kinda made me look bad I guess. She sent a nasty text to me the day after saying I wasn't doing my job for the past 6 months and I need to "Grow up" and "stop blaming the company". There was another girl in their group that said racist and discriminatory comments to other coworkers and nothing happened to her, she just got a warning. Same girl actually has gotten raises and is getting promoted soon. The workplace dynamic got so toxic as you can see. I dreaded going into work everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 I have said this before and will continue to say it : coworkers are not friends. It is easy for you to think they are because you will spend more time with them than you will with anyone else. If you are lonely and looking for friends, do not have these needs met by coworkers. And never drink / get drunk with a coworker and never see a coworker outside of work and never have sex with one. You have done bad in that you have broken these rules. Having that been said, she has indicated that she is not interested in you and it was a mistake. Say to her (if you wish) I apologize for what we did, it was a mistake, and I will respect your wishes to not carry this further. And then go about your business. She will ultimately respect you and herself, then life will go on. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 3 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said: The workplace dynamic got so toxic as you can see. I dreaded going into work everyday. Then it's going to be for the best that you have to move on from this place. Have no further communication with any of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 Wow, what a total mess. OP, this girl sounds like big trouble. Sounds like she has also done this many times before. She hooks up with co-workers and screws them over. She never had any feelings for you and she was the one that took advantage of you in your baked state. Losing your job there is the best thing that has happened because you are now completely out of that mess. Lesson learned. Never get involved with a co-worker. (Also, please don't ever drive drunk and drugged again). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 9 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said: I was let go from my job last week. Sorry this happened. Make sure you try to leave on good terms. Update your CV and LinkedIn profile. Start applying for positions. Keep in mind, it doesn't matter what your coworkers were doing, you're the one who was let go. All you can do in the future is not get sexual with anyone at work and not engage in gossip with anyone about it. This is a fresh start for you so focus on your job search and new endeavors. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kovalchoke123 Posted November 23, 2022 Author Share Posted November 23, 2022 2 hours ago, JTSW said: Wow, what a total mess. OP, this girl sounds like big trouble. Sounds like she has also done this many times before. She hooks up with co-workers and screws them over. She never had any feelings for you and she was the one that took advantage of you in your baked state. Losing your job there is the best thing that has happened because you are now completely out of that mess. Lesson learned. Never get involved with a co-worker. (Also, please don't ever drive drunk and drugged again). Lots of trouble...She might be one of the worst people ive ever met in my life. I'd like to think she was just using me for attention and then plays the victim. She initiates everything then suddenly I'm the bad guy and she does a 180 on me and creates a toxic work environment. Kissing and hugging is really just...nothing. it was really not a big deal to be honest, it's not like I forced myself on her or touched her Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 22 minutes ago, kovalchoke123 said: Lots of trouble...She might be one of the worst people ive ever met in my life. I'd like to think she was just using me for attention and then plays the victim. She initiates everything then suddenly I'm the bad guy and she does a 180 on me and creates a toxic work environment. Kissing and hugging is really just...nothing. it was really not a big deal to be honest, it's not like I forced myself on her or touched her Of course you didn't. You did nothing wrong. She plays games, uses people to get something she wants. in this case, I'm assuming she plotted to get rid of you to gain a higher position in the company. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 (edited) On 9/30/2022 at 1:55 PM, kovalchoke123 said: Last weekend there was a company event After this we take some hits from a bong with weed in it, and i am totally baked. . We talk more and make out a few times, and I also held her hand for a bit. I ask her what she thinks of me and she says i'm a funny guy, "but you're my coworker" and "what if our boss finds out". After this she kind of pushes me away and says we should just be friends. Were you let go for sexual harassment? Was that the story she or others told management? What was the reason they gave? Edited November 23, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 23, 2022 Share Posted November 23, 2022 (edited) As a manager for a corporation I will give you some advice. Clean up your act. You are 29 and acting like a teenager. Professionally you should not go out getting blasted, bonging, etc with coworkers. You drove under the influence, you chased this poor girl around at the party, you were being that guy that was hugging people making them feel very uncomfortable. The sad part is you sit there and just don't get it.You are too focused on this girl when you need to take a good look at your actions. I have ran into people like you that can't see past their own nose. I am pleading with you...take some time out, and take a good look at yourself. You need to gain control of your life, makes some changes. If you like a girl don't drown yourself in alcohol and pot to muster up the courage. Just be a gentleman and ask the lady out on a date, take her out on a date, limit yourself to two drinks and take an Uber. Being more responsible will really turn things around for you. Edited November 23, 2022 by smackie9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kovalchoke123 Posted November 23, 2022 Author Share Posted November 23, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Were you let go for sexual harassment? Was that the story she or others told management? What was the reason they gave? Has nothing to do with it. At least I hope. They told me it was performance related and I was making jokes about the company not being able to collect a certain amount of money needed by year end. Maybe it was an excuse on their part to get rid of me? The whole thing seems really odd to me. I didn't notice anything different about my performance in the past few months. This new girl had taken up most of my work and she was extremely close with the girl I had problems with, so naturally I wasn't "part of the group". Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted November 24, 2022 Share Posted November 24, 2022 13 hours ago, kovalchoke123 said: This new girl had taken up most of my work and she was extremely close with the girl I had problems with, so naturally I wasn't "part of the group". This proves my point exactly. They teamed up and got you out. Link to post Share on other sites
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