picaso3183 Posted September 30, 2022 Share Posted September 30, 2022 Hi not posted here for a while but I've always found this forum very helpful. Anyway been dating a lovely women for 6 months or so. Very slowly at first as we both have kids. Anyway she was in a very violatile relationship with her ex and been split for 2 weeks but Co parent however she does 90 % of childcare. He still has feelings for her and they have regular contact for parenting. Anyway initially a slow burner for us both but things started to progress further and everything great However here is the issue he loves VERY close to me. She won't come round for fear of him finding out. He knows about me and about a week ago started sending me messages on social media basically trying to put me off her and saying they are a family etc. However it's been off and on sporadically for a week and it's really giving me second thoughts now. I have a daughter and need to make a good relationship choice for her more than anything. This women would be an amazing influence in 90% of ways but I feel her ex will always cause drama and issues. Very sad about it all and feel guilty to let her down Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 30, 2022 Share Posted September 30, 2022 Big red flag. Not all drama in a relationship is one sided...it's possible she's a crap show too. Sure everyone has baggage but this is fresh on the curb baggage. You need to keep your daughter away from people are involved in unhealthy relationships. I have a friend that got upset after her new BF dumped her. She too had a jealous ex that was causing problems. The BF had a 10 year old daughter, and I didn't blame him one bit for leaving my friend. Have to protect your kids, AND they need stability. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author picaso3183 Posted September 30, 2022 Author Share Posted September 30, 2022 Just now, smackie9 said: Big red flag. Not all drama in a relationship is one sided...it's possible she's a crap show too. Sure everyone has baggage but this is fresh on the curb baggage. You need to keep your daughter away from people are involved in unhealthy relationships. I have a friend that got upset after her new BF dumped her. She too had a jealous ex that was causing problems. The BF had a 10 year old daughter, and I didn't blame him one bit for leaving my friend. Have to protect your kids, AND they need stability. Thanks fot your insight. That is my insight on it and I co parent my daughter 50 / 50 we get on well etc. I feel i would be bringing her into a potentially unstable situation. The hard part is the women is lovely and wants a calm life but this ex is a complete chav knuckle head. But I owe my daughter not a women ive known for 6 months Thanks it has confirmed my thinking. It is funny as friends just say " do what you feel is best" etc but sometimes you just need straight talking. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 30, 2022 Share Posted September 30, 2022 She may be a kind woman with sincere intentions, but I would not have any doubt about ending this now to protect the well-being of your child. It's too risky. 22 minutes ago, picaso3183 said: Anyway she was in a very violatile relationship with her ex and been split for 2 weeks And if I am understanding correctly, she met you only 2 weeks after they broke up? If so, that is a red flag in and of itself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author picaso3183 Posted September 30, 2022 Author Share Posted September 30, 2022 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: She may be a kind woman with sincere intentions, but I would not have any doubt about ending this now to protect the well-being of your child. It's too risky. And if I am understanding correctly, she met you only 2 weeks after they broke up? If so, that is a red flag in and of itself. Ohhh sorry no 2 years! Yes that would be a massive red flag. . No split for 2 years but she hasn't really dated since. So I am the first since the ex. Lot of this is natural he is trying to exert control etc but it's still pressure regardless of the reason Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 30, 2022 Share Posted September 30, 2022 39 minutes ago, picaso3183 said: Anyway been dating a lovely women for 6 months or so. She won't come round for fear of him finding out. He knows about me and about a week ago started sending me messages on social media basically trying to put me off her and saying they are a family etc. However it's been off and on sporadically for a week and it's really giving me second thoughts now. I have a daughter and need to make a good relationship choice for her more than anything. You're correct you need to make better choices because you have a child. How does this "ex" know your contact info? They are in a mess that you need to step away from for your own and your daughter's sake. If this guy is this crazy you need to end it and delete and block her and ALL her people from all your social media and messaging apps. Get a home security system with video surveillance. This guy seems nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 30, 2022 Share Posted September 30, 2022 1 hour ago, picaso3183 said: He still has feelings for her and they have regular contact for parenting. What kind of contact? has she established a strong boundary with him - communication only by text related to the children? If not, that is another huge red flag. Otherwise, I agree with everyone else. I would not pursue this relationship for the safety of yourself and more importantly, your daughter. It’s unfortunate, but it is the only thing you can responsibly do… Link to post Share on other sites
Author picaso3183 Posted September 30, 2022 Author Share Posted September 30, 2022 Thanks all. It's confirmed what I thought I need to do. He found me on social media not sure how to be honest which is worrying. Yes I think boundaries are an issue they have alot to work through as ex Co parents. Where as my ex and I are amicable and don't have issues with us dating etc we want best for our daughter. Again thanks all. Going to meet to chat tomorrow 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 30, 2022 Share Posted September 30, 2022 (edited) Focus needs to be on your daughter by any means necessary. The relationship between your girlfriend and her ex is not something you want to get in the middle of. Your girlfriend is the one that must stop the ex’s manipulation. Despite your best intentions, you ended up dating a woman with a kid, who you come to find out has a child with a crazy. Unfortunately, it's a package deal. When this escalates, only losers will remain, and sadly, these will be the children. Edited September 30, 2022 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2022 Share Posted September 30, 2022 That's how people end up on the 6 o'clock news. This woman is not worth risking your security and your daughter's. You will find love elsewhere. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 You started dating her two weeks after a breakup with this guy? Did I get that right? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 9 hours ago, picaso3183 said: Ohhh sorry no 2 years! Yes that would be a massive red flag. . No split for 2 years but she hasn't really dated since. So I am the first since the ex. Lot of this is natural he is trying to exert control etc but it's still pressure regardless of the reason I also wondered about the timeline here. Thanks for clarifying. Due to the volatile relationship with her ex this one is a no-go. I’m sorry. It’s not worth the heartache and second guessing like what you’re doing with yourself now. I suspect she may try to convince you otherwise and to stay with her. Consider what’s best for you and your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 8 hours ago, Alpacalia said: Unfortunately, it's a package deal. ^^^this pretty much sums it up. Sorry about that. Stalker exs can be a problem, for sure. Some people consider it a deal breaker 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 Fletch lives! Nice to see you back. 🙂 4 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Some people consider it a deal breaker For sure. Especially when the ex still has feelings towards your girlfriend, OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 (edited) 👍 Edited October 1, 2022 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
Despin Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 If she's worth the effort then consider sticking it out- depending on how you and she handle the ex. He just found out last week, so he's on a bit of a rant. Best thing to do is for both of you to ignore him. She may need to have communication with him because of the kids but she should keep it to "business only" and not step over the line into the personal where she's defending you, etc. If you can both do this, he may simply cool off and go away. May be worth a shot. As far as someone dating a new person after 2 weeks being a red flag (even though that turned out to not be the case here), I take issue with that. I'm in a new relationship now, 4 months and going strong, after a 10 year relationship ended I started dating within a week, and this has always been my method- and I've had long and short term relationships, none of which ended because they were some sort of "rebound" because I sat home pining away so I can properly heal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 1, 2022 Share Posted October 1, 2022 Is there any hint of violence? I pick up that the ex hasn't moved on. And that itself can be alarming for sure. Feel no guilt for cutting things off. She's the one who dated and had a child with this loser. Not your fault. And I understand that it is hard to pick good people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author picaso3183 Posted October 6, 2022 Author Share Posted October 6, 2022 Hi all So i took everyones advice here and had the conversation a fee days ago. Very sad for us both but she was very understanding over it. I feel very guilty I have hurt her but could not see an alternative. Since our chat we have exchanged a few txts and she said she has made changes with him regarding boundaries and ironically he has not messaged me since. I suggester we meet in a few weeks and assess things and see if dust has settled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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