Caught bf in lie, he says he won't do it again, but found out he went against his word.

[Ladiixmk]

On 10/1/2022 at 8:39 PM, Ami1uwant said:

Except this wouldn’t be tan issue if it were cars or food recipes….

Except it would be lol. It wouldn't be as big as it is now, but I'd wonder what else is he lying about.

Matter of fact, you reminded me of something that happened in my past. In my teenage years, I was close to a guy for 3 years who would claim he was some type of MMA fighter. I was super naive and didn't know you had to be 18 years or older. It was his whole persona - he would come into school with crutches, or show me a 13 page contract he, his parents, and his significant other had to sign. He'd always talk about the fights he was in and how he won. We temporarily started dating, and that's when a friend called me and told me the truth, and how he lied about a bunch of other stuff. I did my research, even asked professionals online about it, and yup, he lied about the whole thing for the whole time I've known him.

I broke up with him the next day. Now let me ask you, since "it's just MMA fighting", would you still consider this a non-issue?

[Ladiixmk]

17 hours ago, glows said:

Even if him liking these pages is ok with you it’s his duplicity that seems immature. It’s all one big joke it appears. He says he thought you took it as a joke. People use humour or apparent humour to often cope with situations less than ideal. Or lie to say things are funny when they’re not. My next questions have more to do with his personal life, aspirations, what motivates him? Does he have other hobbies and things he likes to do aside from clicking on photos or images like this to offset stress or tension in other areas? 

While theres nothing wrong with what he likes to look at or how he wants to spend his time in this case you’re also looking at this person overall as a partner. You found he’s dishonest. Aside from being upset (if you put aside that for a second), does this person also bore you? Ie not compatible? 

He's a correctional police officer, but wants to switch to a firefighter. He says he values work life balance. His hobbies are mainly playing video games (mainly League of Legends) and exercising at the gym. 

And no, he doesn't bore me. Our relationship has been full of laughter and good times. So I believe we are compatible.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ladiixmk said:

He's a correctional police officer, but wants to switch to a firefighter. He says he values work life balance.

Are you saying he takes videos of you having sex without your consent? Are you ok with that going viral among his pals or being sold on pornhub?

 It's unclear what this latest incident as to do with his choice of profession or hobbies. He simply seems immature, disrespectful of you and  untrustworthy regardless of these.

Edited October 4, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

1 hour ago, Ladiixmk said:

And no, he doesn't bore me. Our relationship has been full of laughter and good times. So I believe we are compatible.

He still is dishonest. Speaking from experience you can’t change that about a person’s character. I asked about him as a whole to get an idea of how you view the rest of the relationship. It seems you truly believe you fit together as a couple and leaving would be hard. Don’t make excuses for the way he is. 

If someone can lie repeatedly and minimize the way you feel it’ll get worse, not better. You’ve seen it get worse. No matter how many times you try to speak and no matter how many times you try to reason with that person, they will still only act in their best interests without regard for you. 

Please think about your future carefully. You can choose to pick people who aren’t dishonest and selfish. I think it would be a good idea to also reflect on the types of partners you’re dating if you’ve dated dishonest people in the past.

Edited October 4, 2022 by glows

[glows]

I just saw [your post about him recording you] I’m sorry he did this. Of course it’s in violation of your privacy if you never agreed to it. He’s broken your trust several times. The bigger question is what will you do about it? 

Edited October 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote containing language

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, Ladiixmk said:

He's a correctional police officer

So he's a police officer who doesn't know it's illegal to record someone during sex without their permission?

And explicitly led you to believe he would never do such a thing, based on his reaction to the story about your ex, who did the same?

And lies about the women he likes/follows on social media (which is in itself an immature behavior).

You sound lovely, OP.  You can do better. I am a little at a loss as to how you've managed to date 2 men who've filmed you without your knowledge or consent.  I think you need to upgrade the type of men you get involved with. 

[introverted1]

48 minutes ago, glows said:

If someone can lie repeatedly and minimize the way you feel it’ll get worse, not better.

Especially after a baby or two when he thinks you're stuck.

Dating is when people are on their best behavior.  What you see now is the best version of him.

[glows]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Especially after a baby or two when he thinks you're stuck.

Dating is when people are on their best behavior.  What you see now is the best version of him.

Children learn from their elders and take on behaviours and habits from their parents and caregivers too.

I don’t know where you see this relationship progressing to or whether you are looking to start a family, OP. I’d think hard about whether having this person around is more damaging than worthwhile and try to envision what type of life you see yourself having with this person.

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, Ladiixmk said:

He's a correctional police officer, but wants to switch to a firefighter. He says he values work life balance. His hobbies are mainly playing video games (mainly League of Legends) and exercising at the gym. 

And no, he doesn't bore me. Our relationship has been full of laughter and good times. So I believe we are compatible.

I know of a few and they are all narcissists. Read about what one is. They never take accountability for their shady behavior ie: LYING. They are con artists, and gaslight you making you think you have lost your mind, divert blame, etc. 

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, Ladiixmk said:

Long story short, he recorded us being intimate without my consent, and without telling me after he made the video (until I asked him this morning).

What??  You need to understand the seriousness of this situation.  This is a major violation and more than enough reason to break up with him immediately.  If he would do something like this, you can't trust him.

 

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

What??  You need to understand the seriousness of this situation.  This is a major violation and more than enough reason to break up with him immediately.  If he would do something like this, you can't trust him.

 

Took the words^, and am shocked OP that you didn't immediately dump this "person" upon learning this.

I mean what the hell, may I ask what you're thinking by remaining with him?

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, how do you know he isn't gonna upload that video on line and/or sell it? 

My guess is he will, he is a complete piece of trash and I don't say that lightly, in fact I never call men that on these forums,, check my history.

What I DO say often is AIM HIGHER and CHOOSE WISELY.

I am sorry for yelling but holy cow, I am in SHOCK right now at the audacity and arrogance of this guy AND that you are still with him.

 

 

Edited October 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

Post removed as I've just seen your update.   Sounds like you have some big decisions to make.  

Hugs to you

Edited October 4, 2022 by basil67

[Mrin]

12 hours ago, Ladiixmk said:

Hey everyone. So I have a mini update - something else happened last night (on our anniversary, of all days) that is not related to this situation, but similar.

Long story short, he recorded us being intimate without my consent, and without telling me after he made the video (until I asked him this morning). I knew something was up because at one point I thought I heard his phone unlock. The next second, I saw his phone on top of a bottle pointing towards me. This is actually the second time he's done something like this, and I told him that it made me uncomfortable and that he should let me know if he's going to do this.

So how is this related to what I posted before? Well, in the beginning of our relationship, we spoke about a time when my ex did the exact same thing to me - record us having sex without me knowing. My boyfriend's response? He was silent for a few seconds, then finally said, "wow, that's [messed up]. He said my ex is a complete *sshole, that he can't believe there are guys out there that would stoop this low, and he would never do something like that to me. So once again - acting one way when he's talking to me, but then doing another thing down the road.

I'm not asking for advice on this, just giving an update. But I feel like he's broken my trust...

Wow. I'm really sorry you're going through this. 

[Ladiixmk]

Thanks everyone for the replies/advice. I'm officially starting to shift my mind to breaking up with him (break ups are hard for me, even if the person did something wrong to me).

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Ladiixmk said:

I'm officially starting to shift my mind to breaking up with him (break ups are hard for me, even if the person did something wrong to me).

There is absolutely no way that I would stay in a relationship with a man who did this without my consent. If he ever shared the video with anyone, I would file charges. This just went from immature to criminal behavior.

Edited October 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Ladiixmk said:

Thanks everyone for the replies/advice. I'm officially starting to shift my mind to breaking up with him (break ups are hard for me, even if the person did something wrong to me).

Ok well after you leave this relationship you need to not date again until you get into therapy to work on this issue.  Because this is not okay.  You could find yourself in an unsafe situation, even with someone who turns out to be abusive, and then not know how to end it, and be putting your safety at risk.  Knowing how to walk away from toxic and unsafe situations is an essential life skill.

[Ladiixmk]

2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok well after you leave this relationship you need to not date again until you get into therapy to work on this issue.  Because this is not okay.  You could find yourself in an unsafe situation, even with someone who turns out to be abusive, and then not know how to end it, and be putting your safety at risk.  Knowing how to walk away from toxic and unsafe situations is an essential life skill.

Yup you're 100% right, I'm actually seeing a therapist for about 3 months now for this very reason It all stems from anxiety.

[BaileyB]

Considering the anxiety that this man has caused you, I can’t help but wonder how much better you will feel when you leave this relationship. 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Ladiixmk said:

Yup you're 100% right, I'm actually seeing a therapist for about 3 months now for this very reason It all stems from anxiety.

I struggle with anxiety too and I would think you'd feel more anxious remaining with this person versus leaving. 

I know I would. 

What a great sense of relief (and less anxious) you will feel knowing you're emotionally safe and away from a very troubling situation.

May I ask why the smiley face?

This isn't a happy occasion, is it? 

I'm sorry, my apologies, I am not in a good place myself today, for various reasons, probably gonna step away from this forum for awhile. 

Good luck to you. 

Edited October 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

@Ladiixmkbefore I go, I just have a couple of questions if you don't mind.

1.  Do you truly understand the seriousness of what he did, the disrespect, how he violated you?

2. I am wondering what story he told you to justify it and whether it flatters you knowing he finds you so sexually appealing that he would do such a thing and perhaps upload on to SM for others to see as well.

I am not accusing you of anything, but I am sensing from your responses that you're not quite getting it, I hope I am wrong.

In any event, I hope you are serious about ending the relationship, good luck with your therapy and take care.

[poppyfields]

@Ladiixmkjust one more thing to consider, assuming you're still reading. 

Imo it's not that he made the video, obviously he finds you attractive and your sex life hot and whatever a couple wishes to do in the privacy of their own home is okay by me.  

My hubs and I share our own brand of kink which is kept between us, and something we mutually agree on.

The issue with your boyfriend is that he appears to enjoy being deceptive. 

Like with him liking the IG pics; he knows you're cool with it, so why hide it from you?   Only for you to discover later on your own? 

And secretly taping you having sex.  My guess is you'd be cool with that too, but yet he hides it, does it in secret, like he's being a "bad little boy" getting away with something. 

It gives him some sort of thrill deceiving you about it..

Not to mention the hypocrisy - him bad mouthing your ex's for doing exactly what he himself is doing and hiding it from you. 

How do you trust a man like this and where will he draw the line?

If he's a thrill-seeker which it sounds like he is, it's no telling what he'd do and how he'd deceive you for a thrill..

I really hope you choose to walk away from this, no doubt you share a history and you love him but I'm actually afraid for you, I'm not sensing anything good or positive about moving forward with a man like this. 

Edited October 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Ladiixmk said:

, I'm actually seeing a therapist for about 3 months now for this very 

It's good you are in therapy and hopefully it helps but it won't fix him or improve his integrity. Perhaps explore why you are hanging on. He's acting like a frat boy and your planning anniversaries. Think about this and discuss it in therapy.