Husband is too close to his longtime female "friend."

[jen78nc]

Hi all. Well I am new to this board. I am glad to have found it! Well, heres the story.

My husband has a close girl friend that he talks to who lives in texas. He has known her for about 8 years, a little longer than he has known me. Anyway ever since we've been married they have talked quite a bit, and a few years ago they were talking through email and it turned out they wanted to be a little more than friends. He was telling her that he loved her. She was probably saying the same thing back.

 

Anyway, that was back in 98-99, but I guess I havent really gotten over it and they still talk now. He knows Id prefer that they didnt talk anymore but he does anyway. He thinks im being silly for thinking that anything is going on. .She is married with a child, as are we. I just dont like their close relationship. They talk every few days, sometimes a few days in a row, and once in awhile a few times in one day. They also send pictures back and forth sometimes. Every time they talk on the phone I get all annoyed with him. It just frustrates me that they talk so much. Also, she is from the same city that I am from, and he keeps telling me how we should go visit my mom , because she always comes up here to visit. I guess I always just think he has an ulterior motive when he says that.

 

Anyway I dont mind if they just talk sometimes, but yesterday she called and they talked about half an hour, and then she called again later, and they just talked for a minute. She said she had to get back to whatever she was doing.. Then why did she even call in the first place?? Anyway, I heard some of their conversation from earlier in the day. She was asking him for his work address to send pictures to, supposedly of her daughter and her this halloween.. Anyway my husband was saying "well Ill be waiting for them" and "i like the pictures that you send." I suppose thats not so awful, just a little annoying. We are planning a trip down to texas, where shes from, actually my hometown, and he was asking if she thought her husband would mind them hanging out.. He was talking to her about when her husband left him a nasty voicemail awhile back because of all the calls that she was making to him.

 

Anyway, my husband says that they worked it out, but still seems to think her husband might get upset.. Gee, I wonder why? lol Anyway, there wasnt too much else to the conversation.. Seems like they will talk about any small thing, just to talk. They were talking about different kinds of foods they like and dislike, etc..I just think their relationship is weird.

 

Now, I have found out that they are emailing each other again. My husband is telling her things like he dreams about her, though he didnt say what the dreams were about, that her emails brighten his day, and also he tells her that he hopes to see her again sometime soon. Then just recently, I read an email he sent her saying "sometimes I will just lay in bed thinking about you, you are a truly wonderful friend." Now this really upset me and I know this is not just a friendly relationship.

 

I just dont know what to do about it. It doesnt sound good. He has already lied and told me he didnt even have her new email address and doesnt talk to her through email. So he has lied quite a bit in our relationship. I feel like I can never really trust him again.

 

Anyway, I saw someone post about a book called "Not just a friend." I actually just ordered this book. Has anyone here read it? Well, I am open to any advice. Sorry this post is so long.. Thanks all!

 

P.S.

He calls her "my friend" and doesnt call her by her name.. Is that weird or is it me?

[brashgal]

If you have a bad feeling in your gut, pay attention to it. I would insist on hanging out with them if you visit - I wouldn't let him go alone with her anywhere. This reminds me a lot of my exh first affair.

 

As for the 'my friend' - sounds like a term of endearment or a way to keep others from being suspicious when they talk on the phone together (doesn't sounds gender-specific).

[glittergurl]

OMG that is totally cheating. I would freak out and burn down our house or something if my husband EVER did this to me. I have no idea how you've put up with this for years. This is NOT a healthy friendship, you need to stop this.

[Outcast]

I would freak out and burn down our house or something if my husband EVER did this to me

 

Well let's hope the OP has better coping strategies than that.

[glittergurl]

Well let's hope the OP has better coping strategies than that.

 

hahah lol

[Luxie]

First of all, don't let yourself think that you are overreacting. The fact that he is still talking to her on the phone proves you don't blow up in an irrational way when he talks to her, and brownie points for you for keeping your cool like that. It sounds like you're handling this in a very adult way.

 

He, however, is not. Lying to you about contacting her, and being perhaps over-anxious to go to a city where she is, are not good signs, and you shouldn't be disrespected by behavior like that.

 

By referring to her as 'my friend,' it almost sounds like he is justifying his involvement with her and trying to get around the rules of his relationship with you. It's almost like a self-satisfaction thing: "You have no right to be upset about me talking to her, because I refer to her as a friend, so if you're reading more into it than that, it's your own problem, not mine." Like he's getting his own private kick out of it or something. It's not right.

 

I don't blame you for being upset by this. Although some people may disagree with me on this, I believe that in a marriage or long-term relationship, the two people involved should be closer to each other than they are to any other members of the opposite sex. Your husband/ wife can and should be your best friend; if your best female friend is not your wife, then you have to walk an awfully thin line and keep boundaries and priorities very straight in your head. And from his words to her, it doesn't sound like he's doing that.

 

There is something to be said for old friends of the opposite sex- I'm not saying such a thing shouldn't happen. But when her husband is upset about it, and you're upset about it, he needs to take a step back and take some responsibility for setting some boundaries. And it doesn't sound like he is. In fact, it sounds like he's walking all over the boundaries and deliberately blurring them.

 

I think it warrants a serious conversation. Good luck to you.

[RecordProducer]

He knows Id prefer that they didnt talk anymore but he does anyway.

Not hurting you (and keeping your marriage) should be more important to him than email someone who is "just a friend."

 

He thinks im being silly for thinking that anything is going on. .She is married with a child, as are we. I just dont like their close relationship.

You're not an idiot. You wouldn't be jealous if it were merely an innocent type of friendship. I have friends I exchange emails with and we're very close, but my BF knows that I am not emotionally interested in these people.

 

 

Also, she is from the same city that I am from, and he keeps telling me how we should go visit my mom , because she always comes up here to visit. I guess I always just think he has an ulterior motive when he says that.

You're probably right. Why would he be eager to visit your mother?

 

Anyway I dont mind if they just talk sometimes, but yesterday she called and they talked about half an hour, and then she called again later, and they just talked for a minute. She said she had to get back to whatever she was doing.. Then why did she even call in the first place??

 

Probably because her husband came in and she had to hang up? If the husband is hurt by this "friendship" and she continues to pursue it, she not only has no respect for him, but she is also lying to him.

 

I think you should tell your husband that he should let her know that he will no longer correspond with her. Let him know that from now on if you find out that he has been hiding this relationship and talking to her, you will treat it as infidelity and take actions accordingly.

 

If worse comes to worse, you can call her husband (from another telephone) and let him know that they are having an emotional affair behind his back.

 

My husband is telling her things like he dreams about her, though he didnt say what the dreams were about, that her emails brighten his day, and also he tells her that he hopes to see her again sometime soon. Then just recently, I read an email he sent her saying "sometimes I will just lay in bed thinking about you, you are a truly wonderful friend." Now this really upset me and I know this is not just a friendly relationship.

And you're absolutely right. We don't say this sort of things to people who are "just friends."

 

I just dont know what to do about it.

Be firm in your attitude and determined taht you will not accept this kind of behavior and that if he continues, it will mean that he is neglecting your marriage and is pursuing a relationship with her.

I feel like I can never really trust him again.

Tell him this.

 

He calls her "my friend" and doesnt call her by her name.. Is that weird or is it me?

He gives possessive connotation to the role she is playing in his life. Like "my wife", "my children," "my car"... as if she belongs to him.

 

I am sorry you're going through this, hun.

[Trimmer]

I very much agree with the other posters here, this behavior is over the line.

 

By referring to her as 'my friend,' it almost sounds like he is justifying his involvement with her and trying to get around the rules of his relationship with you.... Like he's getting his own private kick out of it or something.

 

The other possibility is that it allows him to continue fooling himself. Against all objective evidence and other peoples' opinions, he probably has it all worked out in his head how they are just friends and this is OK behavior and everyone else is overreacting.

 

I am strongly convinced that the ability to allow yourself to start an affair depends on your ability to lie, and the first one you lie to as you enter an affair is yourself...

[Mz. Pixie]

This is not a friend. He's been in love with this woman before. Totally different. It's almost as if he'd rather talk to her than to be married to you because he does this with all the issues it's causing your marriage. There in lies the red flag.

 

My husband has two female friends he's known since college. He's never been romantically involved with either. They held him up when his exwife left him and when he had dating issues and he's done the same for them. He does not talk to them everyday or every week for that matter. They check on each other from time to time and they know about me and are thrilled that he's happy. I'm not jealous of them at all.

 

Second situation. I have a guy friend that I have known since 7th grade. We dated on and off and his parents wanted us to get married but we both married someone else. He's been married for 15 years and totally faithful. We reconnected a year ago. His wife has gone ballistic and has made his life miserable. Even though I only talk to him once every two or three months. I've even quit calling him lately because I didn't want to upset his wife.

 

She has overreacted but to me, you are not. This is someone he talks to even though he knows it bothers you and someone he used to be in love with. My friend and I were never in love. The time he's investing talking to her is time he could spend with you! Think about that for a minute.

 

You guys need marriage counseling so that the counselor can explain to him how this is wrong because it bothers you so much.

[Lonestar]

Get on the phone and call this woman's husband. You can then call him "your friend." I'll bet you two will have a ton of things to share and collectively learn about your spouses's friendship.

[jen78nc]

Thanks everyone!