I was a rebound for two years

[Mikael]

Recently i came to realization that i was a rebound for two years and I'm not doing too well with this knowledge. I(M33) have met my ex girlfriend (F27) at dating app in April 2020. Initially she was very hesitant to give any basic informations about herself, like which town she lives in etc so i though we will never even meet. But after some time we started to talk more via messenger and all of sudden she said she's coming to visit me.

Before that she told me (after like week of talking) that she's a single mother and both of her son's come from different relationship, one was 8 y.o and the other 2 y.o. she also told me that in December 2019, she ended 3 years old very toxic and abusive relationship with younger kids baby's daddy, there was a lot drama, as he was narcissist, manipulative, he ruined her self-esteem, physically abused her, kicked her out of his house with his newborn a couple times and it concluded with him threatening to do something to her older son, he's also running brothel, dealing drugs and is addicted to drugs himself.

After this trauma she had to spend 2 weeks in a mental hospital where she got diagnosed with depression. Short time after this events she had some brief relationship with some guy, which i though was her rebound. Little did i know at that time, that she also briefly returned to her ex in April, like 2 weeks before we started talking.

So first date clicked and it was amazing, we started to date often, she was obsessed about me and she seemed funny, spontaneous, intelligent, perfect mother and 10/10 hot to me, so i obviously fell for her too. 1 year and 10 months of our relationship was perfect, we rarely argued, even tho, there was drama with her ex every now and again, since she had to maintain a contact due to kid.

During one of this dramas i found out that she slept with him, after her brief relationship with what I thought was her rebound and i was furious as i started suspecting that I might be a rebound myself as it sounds like threatening to hurt her son was not enough to get over this dude... And up till that point whenever I had some concerns she always said to me something like "how could I be with him after what he done to me" it was logical to me and kept me calm.

Anyways we skip forward 1 year and 10 months, we already live together since month 7 of our relationship, everything was wonderful until she suddenly started to distance herself. Sex seemed like she's forcing herself and is not really happening too often, she even moved her face away once when i tried to kiss her, she even said to me as a joke that she had a dream that she broke up with me, she doesn't communicate what's wrong, so i distance myself a little to give her some space.

For some time she was suggesting that shes waiting for an engagement ring, so after giving it much of though for a monthl i bought it and was waiting for occasion to propose to her, like one month before our breakup.

Breakup happened when I was away on a few weeks long business trip, she told me, that she would like me to be more of a dad to her sons, i told her that I'm ready to commit(i planned to engage), but the next day she breaks up with me via messenger chat, not even called me to do that. I was devastated. I came back from business trip, cancelled engagement trip to Paris that i booked and moved out.

During 1st month post break up i was analyzing my wrongdoings in relationship, to know what's necessary to change for this relationship to work, i did a lot of work and when i thought I'm ready for reconciliation talk i contacted her. All she had to say was that she doesn't want to see me personally and told me that she doesn't feel anything to me, not even physical attraction anymore. Yes- i begged to give a shot. I though she loved me and this feelings can't just disappear in such a short time. I was wrong.

A few weeks later she contacted me. She said that she doesn't want to, but has to ask me to borrow her substantial amount of money as I'm her last resort. The same day, that i made a transfer i found out, that 2 weeks after i moved out she was back with him. I told her, that she has to give back all the money i borrowed her. I met her in person that day 1st time since break up, as she was avoiding it. I confronted her about that, and she's very cruel to me by telling me, that it was her who contacted her ex 1st, not the other way around, for a hook up. She also says that it's nothing bad on her side, as shes single, while assuring me, that she never cheated on me, i believe in this one, as she was very loyal in relationships, and that's probably why, she wanted to break up when I was still on business trip, to not feel guilty while already contacting ex, in a way she shouldn't.

It was 4 months ago, and shes already not with her ex, they hooked up for 2 months, and she found out that he's cheating on her, as he did many times before. Shes now with another dude, probably another rebound. What hurts the most is, she put a blame for our break up on me. Gaslighting me for even mentioning rebound or that she never loved me. Her cold and cynical tone, when she's with a smile on her face telling me, that she contacted him first or asking for money, while [having sex] with her ex right after i moved out.

How come she was totally different person for two years and all of sudden can be so cruel? I offered her therapy on my cost and she even agreed, but she called that off. Can anyone give me some advice? It really broke me and i need to hear that I'm sane with thinking that it's a typical rebound but for some reason stretched to two years...

Edited October 1, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mike B.]

Just say this was a rebound relationship...

 

Now just say that this is a woman who was initially attracted to you but later lost her feelings for you...

 

How does either possibility change anything? 

 

People who rebound generally don't have bad intentions. They are just looking to find happiness and heal from a recent broken and hurtful relationship. It is nothing personal or something that they even may realize that they are doing. They often are genuinely very excited about a new relationship but may have difficulty distinguishing between escapism versus genuine romantic attraction to someone. On the other hand, there are many relationships that develop when neither person is on the rebound and the relationship just doesn't work out for countless reasons.

What I can say is that your relationship would have been an unusual rebound relationship. Rebound relationships relatively rarely make it to the point at which the couple moves in together after several months of dating. The time at which co-habiting would be discussed usually would cause the person that is rebounding to "wake up."

Either way, someone who had recently gone through what you described she had gone through should not be ready to date anyone within the first year or so after the breakup with her ex. She experienced horrible abuse that would likely take years to recover from...if she recovers from it.

[ShyViolet]

I don't think the whole point is that this was a "rebound" relationship.  There are a lot of other issues here, and you need to recognize your responsibility in this.  You used incredibly poor judgment in this relationship.  Getting involved with a woman who has all this baggage and all these problems, to a reasonable person would be a bad idea in the first place.  But you chose to do that.  You also moved in with her only 7 months into the relationship, which was really rushing things and way too fast too soon.

After the breakup you then lent her a large amount of money.  Why would you do that?  You need to do a lot of self-reflection and learn not to make bad decisions in relationships in the future.

[Wiseman2]

She doesn't seem stable enough for a relationship. I'm not sure 'rebound' is the right term but you definitely wanted to rescue her and therefore got into a way too much way too soon situation.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

you definitely wanted to rescue her and therefore got into a way too much way too soon situation.

I agree. 

She might have been rebounding, but you also didn't exactly approach this relationship in a healthy way, OP. There were red flags along the way that you chose to overlook, so while she doesnn't sound like a stable person, this also isn't entirely on her. This isn't just a "rebound" issue. 

Case in point: what were you thinking lending her money after she dumped you? 

[Mikael]

57 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. 

She might have been rebounding, but you also didn't exactly approach this relationship in a healthy way, OP. There were red flags along the way that you chose to overlook, so while she doesnn't sound like a stable person, this also isn't entirely on her. This isn't just a "rebound" issue. 

Case in point: what were you thinking lending her money after she dumped you? 

Well, money's not issue to me, and i know it's issue to her, i though that she's still single mom who genuinely needed help and was desperate enough to ask me, she was hiding the fact that she's hooking up with abusive baby's daddy

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mikael said:

 she was hiding the fact that she's hooking up with abusive baby's daddy

Exactly, and this why you need better boundaries. 

When someone ends a relationship with you, they don't get to use you like an ATM. It doesn't matter that you didn't know she was hooking up with her ex. You should have had the better judgment already in place to say no, and tell her to find another solution. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Mikael said:

Well, money's not issue to me, and i know it's issue to her, i though that she's still single mom who genuinely needed help and was desperate enough to ask me, she was hiding the fact that she's hooking up with abusive baby's daddy

It doesn’t really matter unfortunately about whether money is an issue for you or not. What you’re looking for is a stable relationship and this is anything but stable.

She also withheld the fact that she had kids for some time, due to her issues or perhaps feeling scarred and traumatized. I suggest reading more about the abusive cycle. This is about her not being able to escape the abuse and likely repeating the same abusive patterns dating the same type of people. The ones who suffer most are the kids. You scraped by by the skin of your teeth and did not marry someone you don’t seem to know well enough. Why she stopped feeling anything for you is anyone’s guess. She did say she wanted you to be more of a father to her children and you seem to hint that you could have improved. It didn’t work and I’d take this as more of a learning experience. 

If you’d like to change yourself do it anyway for the next person you date. And don’t be like her. Heal and move on fully and don’t look back.

Edited October 2, 2022 by glows

[Mikael]

3 hours ago, glows said:

It doesn’t really matter unfortunately about whether money is an issue for you or not. What you’re looking for is a stable relationship and this is anything but stable.

She also withheld the fact that she had kids for some time, due to her issues or perhaps feeling scarred and traumatized. I suggest reading more about the abusive cycle. This is about her not being able to escape the abuse and likely repeating the same abusive patterns dating the same type of people. The ones who suffer most are the kids. You scraped by by the skin of your teeth and did not marry someone you don’t seem to know well enough. Why she stopped feeling anything for you is anyone’s guess. She did say she wanted you to be more of a father to her children and you seem to hint that you could have improved. It didn’t work and I’d take this as more of a learning experience. 

If you’d like to change yourself do it anyway for the next person you date. And don’t be like her. Heal and move on fully and don’t look back.

Oh, i know a lot about cycle of abuse, she told me a lot about how he destroyed her self-esteem, by showing pictures of other girls that "he can have even tonight" or asking her to rate her ex partners junk by size, it made her cry, disposed her with his own newborn with no actual reason etc. Most likely he's a narcissist. Trauma bonding is also topic I'm familiar with, as i really wanted to help, so i unofficially spoke to my friend who's dealing with this type of s*** professionally. That's when i offered her to see therapist on my cost.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Mikael said:

Oh, i know a lot about cycle of abuse, she told me a lot about how he destroyed her self-esteem, by showing pictures of other girls that "he can have even tonight" or asking her to rate her ex partners junk by size, it made her cry, disposed her with his own newborn with no actual reason etc. Most likely he's a narcissist. Trauma bonding is also topic I'm familiar with, as i really wanted to help, so i unofficially spoke to my friend who's dealing with this type of s*** professionally. That's when i offered her to see therapist on my cost.

Respectfully, you’re only enabling her by getting involved. She also doesn’t want your help and you can’t help anyone who can’t see for themselves that they need help or aren’t choosing to live better. Please go back to the reasons for dating someone like this. There’s a thing called white knight syndrome. Don’t pick partners hoping to assist them through life. You’ve only been dating a couple of years and she did show you what she wants and what she’s made of over time. Let go.

Edited October 2, 2022 by glows

[Mikael]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Respectfully, you’re only enabling her by getting involved. She also doesn’t want your help and you can’t help anyone who can’t see for themselves that they need help or aren’t choosing to live better. Please go back to the reasons for dating someone like this. There’s a thing called white knight syndrome. Don’t pick partners hoping to assist them through life. You’ve only been dating a couple of years and she did show you what she wants and what she’s made of over time. Let go.

I know, I'm in a much better spot these days. Just gaslighting got me really hard. I felt guilty, as she keeps telling me it was all my fault and never admitted that she woke up in a relationship where she doesn't love the person she's sleeping next to, even tho I could see this, and sometimes she was very close to confessing this to me, she hinted a few things but never really followed this hints. She had a massive hysteria when i sent her a flowers with a note, that I'll do my best to be a better step dad to her sons, the day when she spoke to me about it, cause she knew it's not going to change anything, and she knew I'm capable of doing it and her excuse is irrelevant. i had analyze a lot to see all this and once I saw everything it can't be unseen. It's hard to cope with 2 years of loveless relationship. I gave her comfort, when she was broken, so i felt like i deserve at least some closure from her, when she broke mine.

Edited October 2, 2022 by Mikael

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Mikael said:

I know, I'm in a much better spot these days. Just gaslighting got me really hard. I felt guilty, as she keeps telling me it was all my fault and never admitted that she woke up in a relationship where she doesn't love the person she's sleeping next to, even tho I could see this, and sometimes she was very close to confessing this to me, she hinted a few things but never really followed this hints. She had a massive hysteria when i sent her a flowers with a note, that I'll do my best to be a better step dad to her sons, the day when she spoke to me about it, cause she knew it's not going to change anything, and she knew I'm capable of doing it and her excuse is irrelevant. i had analyze a lot to see all this and once I saw everything it can't be unseen. It's hard to cope with 2 years of loveless relationship. I gave her comfort, when she was broken, so i felt like i deserve at least some closure from her, when she broke mine.

That is a big nope. No to her owing you a single thing going forward. She is absolutely entitled to ending it even if it is heartbreaking and I know you’re hurt. Her excuses are not irrelevant and you’re bulldozing your way into hoping you can reconcile with flowers. When someone tells you or shows you the door, shut it behind you. Believe them and respect what they’re saying. 

In future you’ll know better and avoid individuals with a lot of drama and work. They can work it out on their own time, not your time. When you’re ready meet new people. I’m glad you’re in a better place.

[Mikael]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

That is a big nope. No to her owing you a single thing going forward. She is absolutely entitled to ending it even if it is heartbreaking and I know you’re hurt. Her excuses are not irrelevant and you’re bulldozing your way into hoping you can reconcile with flowers. When someone tells you or shows you the door, shut it behind you. Believe them and respect what they’re saying. 

In future you’ll know better and avoid individuals with a lot of drama and work. They can work it out on their own time, not your time. When you’re ready meet new people. I’m glad you’re in a better place.

I didn't mean reconciliation. How could I move forward with someone while not being able to even trust if her feelings are real. I agree that it had to be stopped, she must have been suffering for this couple of months where she realized that she skipped any emotional connection between us. I just wanted to hear that from her. Because of gaslighting and her never coming out with this conversation, and calling me insane i almost started believing that I'm loosing my mind

Edited October 2, 2022 by Mikael

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Mikael said:

I didn't mean reconciliation. How could I move forward with someone while not being able to even trust if her feelings are real. I agree that it had to be stopped, she must have been suffering for this couple of months where she realized that she skipped any emotional connection between us. I just wanted to hear that from her. 

Now you have that closure, do you feel better about healing and letting her go? She had too many personal ongoing problems from the start. It might feel better telling yourself you were a rebound but the mistake was choosing her as a partner to start. You can actively change that about yourself. If you are looking to take a more active role (less passive wondering if she rebounded with you) change the way you pick your partners going forward. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are trying to apply the usual and customary dating terms and conditions to a quite difficult situation. You tried to rescue an abused woman from someone she has a child and trauma bond with. Were you just a shelter in the storm? Probably.

[Acacia98]

Just to help put things in perspective, this woman's ex has been abusive towards her older son (the son for whom she's supposed to have unconditional, motherly love) and instead of distancing herself from him, she sought him out to have sex with him. 

I want you to think about that. Then I want you to ask yourself why you would expect a woman who would throw her own flesh and blood (a vulnerable little child) under the bus to show you love and sincerity in the long term?

She sounds incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. In fact, it sounds to me like she uses people (similarly to the way her ex uses her). You could characterize that as being on the rebound if it makes sense to you, but I get the impression that, below the surface, this is who she is all the time.

 

Edited October 3, 2022 by Acacia98

[Mikael]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Just to help put things in perspective, this woman's ex has been abusive towards her older son (the son for whom she's supposed to have unconditional, motherly love) and instead of distancing herself from him, she sought him out to have sex with him. 

I want you to think about that. Then I want you to ask yourself why you would expect a woman who would throw her own flesh and blood (a vulnerable little child) under the bus to show you love and sincerity in the long term?

She sounds incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. In fact, it sounds to me like she uses people (similarly to the way her ex uses her). You could characterize that as being on the rebound if it makes sense to you, but I get the impression that, below the surface, this is who she is all the time.

 

Yeah, when i spoke to her about that i did bring this many times. I even told her that if I was her older son, knowing that she decided to play in bed with a guy who threatened him, I'd most likely hold a grudge for life for this behavior. That's when i realized something's really off about her, as it's completely against her character. She's a really good mother overall and she's working as a pedagogue with disabled kids herself. Like two months post break up, she told me, she's no longer with him as she "found something in his phone" (i assumed some cheating proof) and it just made me laugh, as there are no borders for her/him anymore, if she's able to sleep with him, after threats to her son, she can sleep with him after anything he does.

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, Mikael said:

That's when i realized something's really off about her, as it's completely against her character.

Based on what you have written, it's not against her character. It's just against who you wanted to believe she is. This is her. 

26 minutes ago, Mikael said:

She's a really good mother overall

Yet she goes back to bed with the man who threatened to hurt her son? I am going to cast doubt on  her mothering skills here.  This woman is not looking out for her child's best interests. That's not how good moms behave. Sorry. 

Edited October 3, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. So since you can't fix her, reflect on why you got involved with someone this transient and unstable.

[Mikael]

Thank you for your perspective guys it really helps