ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 There is no guarantee you'd have had a happy life with this guy, either. In fact, you probably wouldn't have. Yes, affairs sometimes transition into real relationships that stand the test of time. But there is a reason that most don't. You would have a very hard time trusting him, since you know perfectly well what he is capable of. You would likely find yourself feeling insecure with him, always wondering if he's going to get close to someone else the way he got close to you. Always wondering if he's noticed the pretty new co-worker, or the hot neighbour, or if he misses his ex. The happy relationship you dreamed of probably would have proved to be a figment of your imagination, and it would be even harder to let go. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 14 hours ago, EJay1987 said: Thank you. His answer to me was that he wanted to be with me, he knew he would be happier with me but he is a coward and can’t deal with the mess it causes afterwards (guilt, selling the house, judgement from friends and family etc) He said it was all too much to deal with and he felt bad giving up what would be a perfectly good life when his fiancé hasn’t done anything wrong. But I guess that, along with everything else he said, could have been a lie. You are welcome. The remarks he made were horse-hooey. Wild horses will not drag him away if that is what he truly desires. Having you in his life would mean everything to him. He doesn't love you. He loves his fiancée. I suppose, if you want to call it that. You have some "stuff" going on; in terms of what drives you to be attracted to other people, or what leads you to date or be attracted to men who are engaged to be married. Taking off the rosy glasses will clear the fog. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 5 hours ago, EJay1987 said: This made me really happy at times so now it’s just hitting hard that it’s all gone It’s not “all gone.” You never had anything tangible with the man… a few stolen moments, some false promises… none of that was real. Like any new relationship, it all felt really good. But, he was not your boyfriend, and it was not like you were spending weekends together, owned a home together, you were planning a wedding, building a life together. You were planning a future with another woman’s fiancé - a man you know to be dishonest, disloyal, and unfaithful. There is nothing sold there on which you can build a relationship or a future. What you are grieving right now is the fantasy that you had created… 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 Someone telling you they are a coward is a red flag. And someone saying they are coward for not dating you--major major major red flag. The person does not have the strength or trust or honesty required to be a worthy partner. You dodged a bullet. Him pulling away saved you the trouble and torture of hanging in there with someone who isn't worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 On 10/2/2022 at 10:24 AM, EJay1987 said: Thank you. It has really knocked my self confidence and I find myself thinking ‘if I had done this differently’ ‘If I looked a certain way’ or ‘if my house was nicer’. Just step back. Don't take this as "judgey" but simply as common sense: The biggest takeaway is that if a person is involved in a relationship, just DO NOT GO THERE. On another note, this guy sounds tremendously weak and wishy washy, and obviously a dishonest and unfaithful guy. Also, just as a general rule, a person just out of a serious long term committed relationship is a very bad relationship risk. Even if he hadn't cheated, it would be pretty unlikely he'd be in any place to be a good partner to anyone one week after breaking off a long engagement. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 3, 2022 Share Posted October 3, 2022 13 hours ago, EJay1987 said: I didn’t enjoy the highs and lows. This made me really happy at times so now it’s just hitting hard that it’s all gone The good news is there’s better. It wasn’t just about his dysfunction. There is also this - On 10/2/2022 at 12:46 PM, EJay1987 said: I think it’s more a lack of self esteem and wondering why I wasn’t ‘good enough’ There’s time to work on that. It won’t happen overnight but it is an inside/you kind of job. Link to post Share on other sites
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