My father is dying and my mother (his ex wife) wants to express her guilt about leaving him 40+ years ago

[Cheryl Grey]

My father is dying from cancer, it's inoperable and terminal. We are not yet sure how long he has but we are working hard to surround him with love and fun times for as long as we can. However, a little dilemma has come up for me.

My mother, who left my father for another man 40+ years ago wants to see him and tell him that she regrets her actions all those years ago.

My parents have always maintained a civil and cordial relationship. They recently met (unplanned) at a holiday resort with their now respective spouses and spent a lovely evening chatting and reminiscing. They both told me how they enjoyed that experience. She has spoken to him on the phone since we learned of the diagnosis and it was well received and heartfelt.

However, I have mixed feelings about my mother talking to Dad about her guilt. I just wonder what she needs from him and how this will benefit him...now. I want to tell her what I think but wondered if others have similar experiences and can share how it went. I wonder if telling him will relive her guilt or if she needs more professional help dealing with her guilt.

My Dad is not a confessor - he is a dying man who has had a long and happy marriage with his now wife (who he met after my mum left) and they have been together over 40 years. My mother is also married but seems unable to let go of her guilt.

Edited October 2, 2022 by Cheryl Grey

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Cheryl Grey said:

I have mixed feelings about my mother talking to Dad about her guilt.

Sorry this is happening. Condolences. Let them make their peace in their own way. 

[glows]

 This is between your parents and speaks of wounds or times way past your time or when you were too young to understand the full impact of what was happening. It’s unclear why your mother is telling all of this to you as it is. Try to detach.

Yes, I’ve dealt with similar and just listened but also took into account that a relationship between others has little to do with me and no matter how emotional it may seem it didn’t involve me at all.

I am very sorry about your father’s diagnosis and I get the sense you feel protective of him and worry that anything may upset him. Her telling him what she feels or apologizing for the past isn’t going to change anything either. It may not mean at all that she loves her partner now less or that she doesn’t love your father. 

[Cheryl Grey]

I think my mother is telling me because she also feels guilt towards me. And you are right - this is their relationship not mine. 

Yes I am protective of him but also realise he is an adult who can deal with such things. 

 

[glows]

19 minutes ago, Cheryl Grey said:

I think my mother is telling me because she also feels guilt towards me. 

 

Do you feel resentful towards her? How did you cope as a child and did she play an active role in your life even though she left your dad?

[Cheryl Grey]

My dad took primary care for me and my brother after the separation as she had met someone else and moved in with him. We visited her on weekends. It was traumatic for me as it was a complete shock and I didn't understand as I was too young. Years later I eventually moved in with my mother when Dad moved out of town for work. That was my choice. Mum and I have become closer in the past decade. I don't feel resentful towards her - I have come to peace with my own emotions on the topic and saw a psychologist who helped me understand the core of my pain. I'd just like my mother to forgive herself and accept her choices as the best she knew at the time, as she had her own traumas she was influenced by.

[ShyViolet]

This is between the two of them.  There's no need for you to get in the middle and concern yourself with it.

[glows]

6 hours ago, Cheryl Grey said:

My dad took primary care for me and my brother after the separation as she had met someone else and moved in with him. We visited her on weekends. It was traumatic for me as it was a complete shock and I didn't understand as I was too young. Years later I eventually moved in with my mother when Dad moved out of town for work. That was my choice. Mum and I have become closer in the past decade. I don't feel resentful towards her - I have come to peace with my own emotions on the topic and saw a psychologist who helped me understand the core of my pain. I'd just like my mother to forgive herself and accept her choices as the best she knew at the time, as she had her own traumas she was influenced by.

That’s a brave thing to do and commend you for speaking with a psychologist or facing the core of your pain. Have you told your mother the part in bold? Does she know how you feel? Does she understand you have come to peace on this topic or what she did?

The issue also is she may not ever accept her choices or have some misgivings even if you tell her you have made peace. It is not your fault your mother left your dad and it’s not your fault the marriage didn’t work. 

[Cheryl Grey]

Yes I shared these thoughts with her and she said she finds it comforting and soothing to think of things that way. 

[glows]

On 10/3/2022 at 3:27 AM, Cheryl Grey said:

Yes I shared these thoughts with her and she said she finds it comforting and soothing to think of things that way. 

I’m glad to hear this and that you have a relationship with your mother despite what happened. You both seem to understand one another. My thoughts with your father and your family during this time.

[stillafool]

It may make your Dad feel better to know your Mom is sorry that she left him, hurt him.  My bio Mom left my Dad too with 2 toddlers and a nine month old (me) and I know he would love it if she told him what your Mom wants to tell your Dad.