Crush and weird situation with my boss

[Pookie1]

Over 3-4 years I have had an admiration and crush on my boss nothings happened, I’ve tried to keep myself in-line. He’s supported me work wise through the deaths of both my parents, covid and being a single Mum. He caters work for my every need. I work casually. Since the shop closed due to renovations he said he would keep paying me in advance a few weeks or a month until the new shop opens. I agreed as I had my family coming to my town for a month to do my mother’s ashes. Now three months has past and I felt I couldn’t get another job as I owed him a month work, we just go deeper and deeper into debt with him and this situation of being paid but no work. He trained me one day last week for a sales rep role and tomorrow I have to go to his house to pick up the deliveries.. I have so much sexual tension with him. He said he doesn’t want to loose me. Other staff didn’t get this treatment. I did tell him over a year ago that I think I have a crush but I’m trying to ignore it and should I leave? He said no please don’t leave. Nothing physical has ever happpened. Maybe he’s made a few passes at me, lots of flirting though. I helped him through the death of his dad. I think we are both exhausted through grief and trying to get a shop up and running through an epidemic. I don’t know if he has a Chinese wife situation stuck in China for the past three-four years as he has a photo of her on his screen saver. I know his mother well and she seems to know nothing of a girlfriend, I feel she tried to set me up with him, as with my coworker also. 
 

I can’t leave as I owe too many hours now, maybe 300 hours! He should have let me go after the shop shut. I can’t stop thinking about him and I know it’s wrong. I adore him and everything is so messed up.

Ive tried dating over the years and I compare them to him, I just can’t move on and I have aweful anxiety about tomorrow, going to his house is very personal. Unrequited love is also exhausting. 
 

I don’t know what to do I’m feeling helpless to my situation since he steered my employment into such a big work credit, I can hardly pay it back now! I don’t think he’s even bothered about it! I’m feeling a bit controlled as well TBH! I was thinking of getting out of this job after my siblings visit. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Pookie1 said:

I don’t know what to do I’m feeling helpless to my situation since he steered my employment into such a big work credit, I can hardly pay it back now! I don’t think he’s even bothered about it! I’m feeling a bit controlled as well TBH! I was thinking of getting out of this job after my siblings visit. 

Not sure how he can be controlling and not care/not be bothered. You are stressed out and anxious about tomorrow. He’s your boss so keep things professional and make the pick up quick. It’s about work, not about socializing. Can’t the company sue you for taking off or leaving if you owe them hours? 

It doesn’t sound like he’s using you if you agreed to the work/pay arrangement to start. Leave soon when you can or arrange some way to settle the hours paid if you’re not comfortable working alongside him anymore. Don’t get involved in his personal life or who he has on his screensaver.

 

[Pookie1]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Not sure how he can be controlling and not care/not be bothered. You are stressed out and anxious about tomorrow. He’s your boss so keep things professional and make the pick up quick. It’s about work, not about socializing. Can’t the company sue you for taking off or leaving if you owe them hours? 

It doesn’t sound like he’s using you if you agreed to the work/pay arrangement to start. Leave soon when you can or arrange some way to settle the hours paid if you’re not comfortable working alongside him anymore. Don’t get involved in his personal life or who he has on his screensaver.

 

Sounds like a plan , I will quickly pick up the stuff and may take my daughter with me also on the deliveries. 
 

I did agree to two weeks, then he stretched it to a month, then it’s just dragged on from there at three months and I’m left waiting wondering what on earth I’m too do. 

 

I have lots of mixed feelings your right. I’ll just focus on my good super flexible job and be happy with it. I’ll slowly make up the hours when he opens a shop 🙏🏻 

you right I can’t leave owing hours… but the hours keep accruing until he gives me enough work again. 

Edited October 3, 2022 by Pookie1

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Pookie1 said:

I don’t know what to do I’m feeling helpless to my situation since he steered my employment into such a big work credit, I can hardly pay it back now! I don’t think he’s even bothered about it! I’m feeling a bit controlled as well TBH! I was thinking of getting out of this job after my siblings visit. 

Assuming that this money is pay in advance rather than a gift, he's put you an an impossible situation and the whole things sounds highly unethical.

I'm sure you can't work without pay when his new store opens, so you will remain financially beholden to him.  And while you say that you'll stay with him for now, what happens if and when you do want to move on?  Will he sue you for the return of the money?   You say you feel controlled.  Is this because you are in his debt, or is it something else? 

I'd speak to him now and tell him that he needs to stop as you don't think you can pay it back.  If he tells you not to worry about repaying him and that you should consider it a gift, at the very least, jointly write down the agreement, including that you are free to leave with adequate notice and sign it together.   Better yet, get legal advice.   You really need to protect yourself. 

 

[Pookie1]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Assuming that this money is pay in advance rather than a gift, he's put you an an impossible situation and the whole things sounds highly unethical.

I'm sure you can't work without pay when his new store opens, so you will remain financially beholden to him.  And while you say that you'll stay with him for now, what happens if and when you do want to move on?  Will he sue you for the return of the money?   You say you feel controlled.  Is this because you are in his debt, or is it something else? 

I'd speak to him now and tell him that he needs to stop as you don't think you can pay it back.  If he tells you not to worry about repaying him and that you should consider it a gift, at the very least, jointly write down the agreement, including that you are free to leave with adequate notice and sign it together.   Better yet, get legal advice.   You really need to protect yourself. 

 

I usually do 15 hours a week, then I was to make up the extra initial 30 hours in an extra day over a period of time which was doable. Now that he's extended the period of time gradually to months, saying stay I'll open a shop soon. The situation has got completely out of control. He will always pay me the 15 hours. and then I'm to make it up. Now I have about 6 months extra to make it up!!! 
 

He said last week he's been lazy in a slump due to some family trauma. (His sister was murdered year's ago and the person never went to jail and he happened to bump Into that person) it was all over the news pushing for the case to be closed, just before the shop also closed. 

 

Yes I'm feeling controlled a bit because I'm so indebted to him financially now, when it was supposed to be only two weeks advance so he could keep me. It wasnt my plan! I have no debt in my life at all! besides him now. I can never leave until I worked off the hours now!

It's unethical 100% and impossible!! He should have let me go to find another job! Obviously he didn't have a new shop secured. 

[Wiseman2]

Is it a full time position? Do you have benefits such as paid vacation and sick days, medical and dental coverage for you and your child? Any benefits such as tuition reimbursement or childcare assistance? Retirement plans or any other type of remuneration?

As a small business owner it's doubtful he is able to offer that much, but you seem to think because he's been kind many ways that he has a crush or that he's making an extraordinary  effort to retain your employment. He most likely doesn't want to fire a struggling single mother.

The best thing to do is whatever is best for you and your child financially and as far as stability. Do you and the child's father have a good co-parenting relationship? Does he pay child support or help with childcare.

[stillafool]

Stop owing him hours and get an addtional job so you can get out of debt with him sooner.  You can't keep working for him because it's driving you deeper in debt.  It sounds like he's using you to have an employee available.  It's hard to get good help these days.

[glows]

6 hours ago, Pookie1 said:

Sounds like a plan , I will quickly pick up the stuff and may take my daughter with me also on the deliveries. 
 

I did agree to two weeks, then he stretched it to a month, then it’s just dragged on from there at three months and I’m left waiting wondering what on earth I’m too do. 

 

I have lots of mixed feelings your right. I’ll just focus on my good super flexible job and be happy with it. I’ll slowly make up the hours when he opens a shop 🙏🏻 

you right I can’t leave owing hours… but the hours keep accruing until he gives me enough work again. 

It may be flexible but working in hospitality is difficult. What is the sales job about? Is it taking calls and making deliveries? You’ll have to stay sharp on the road driving and make frequent stops if a child is in the back.

The current situation isn’t working so pay him back the hours or quit. I doubt he’d sue you for unpaid hours. Speak with a lawyer if you need more details ironed out before leaving. It sounds more like he did you a favour. My ex’s restaurant was under renos some time ago and those who wanted to help during the renos continued to get paid their salaried wages in exchange for helping with simple jobs around the site like cleaning and painting. A couple of chefs were were enlisted in the planning and layout of the kitchens. It seems he found you a job in sales but I’d be a bit worried if your kid is coming along on the trips. 

You have a lot going on. Find a way out of this situation because owing someone hours isn’t going to work in the long term. I’d be honest and tell him it’s not working for you and you need a second job. Forget about your feelings or the crush thing and take care of yourself.

[Pookie1]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

It may be flexible but working in hospitality is difficult. What is the sales job about? Is it taking calls and making deliveries? You’ll have to stay sharp on the road driving and make frequent stops if a child is in the back.

The current situation isn’t working so pay him back the hours or quit. I doubt he’d sue you for unpaid hours. Speak with a lawyer if you need more details ironed out before leaving. It sounds more like he did you a favour. My ex’s restaurant was under renos some time ago and those who wanted to help during the renos continued to get paid their salaried wages in exchange for helping with simple jobs around the site like cleaning and painting. A couple of chefs were were enlisted in the planning and layout of the kitchens. It seems he found you a job in sales but I’d be a bit worried if your kid is coming along on the trips. 

You have a lot going on. Find a way out of this situation because owing someone hours isn’t going to work in the long term. I’d be honest and tell him it’s not working for you and you need a second job. Forget about your feelings or the crush thing and take care of yourself.

Thank you, you have some good points. It's not hospitality it's gift shop merchandise, and my child is 12, she's often comes to work with my bosses encouragement. I also have the option of day care but she prefers coming to work.

I offered to work doing anything every week. He's letting me come to his house/the ware house in two days. I'd even do house cleaning. I'll tell him when I get there if he won't let me start making up the hours I will have to get another job. I think he's trying and trying to do me a favour. But the thing is I could have easily get a better job, he's trying to hang onto me as I'm a good worker, so I'm trying to help him also. I'm trying to be patient. 

I'll see what eventuates on Wednesday

[Pookie1]

54 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Stop owing him hours and get an addtional job so you can get out of debt with him sooner.  You can't keep working for him because it's driving you deeper in debt.  It sounds like he's using you to have an employee available.  It's hard to get good help these days.

I agree, I have kept myself open as I've never known when the shop will open and expected ild be working five days a week. 

It's the fair thing to do. We both need to cut our losses and he could become the second priority job. Only working to pay off what's owed. 

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Pookie1 said:

Thank you, you have some good points. It's not hospitality it's gift shop merchandise, and my child is 12, she's often comes to work with my bosses encouragement. I also have the option of day care but she prefers coming to work.

I offered to work doing anything every week. He's letting me come to his house/the ware house in two days. I'd even do house cleaning. I'll tell him when I get there if he won't let me start making up the hours I will have to get another job. I think he's trying and trying to do me a favour. But the thing is I could have easily get a better job, he's trying to hang onto me as I'm a good worker, so I'm trying to help him also. I'm trying to be patient. 

I'll see what eventuates on Wednesday

If you have to go, you have to go. Each time you feel overwhelmed or think you have a crush on him, think of your child instead and what you are doing for her as her mom. Let us know how it goes. 

[Pookie1]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it a full time position? Do you have benefits such as paid vacation and sick days, medical and dental coverage for you and your child? Any benefits such as tuition reimbursement or childcare assistance? Retirement plans or any other type of remuneration?

As a small business owner it's doubtful he is able to offer that much, but you seem to think because he's been kind many ways that he has a crush or that he's making an extraordinary  effort to retain your employment. He most likely doesn't want to fire a struggling single mother.

The best thing to do is whatever is best for you and your child financially and as far as stability. Do you and the child's father have a good co-parenting relationship? Does he pay child support or help with childcare.

I only need to work 15 hours a week as I have enough money to work minimal and be home for my daughter, I'm not really a struggling single mother and I'm asset rich. However I still need a small income, I could have easily got another job and he knows it, so I see that I'm doing him the favour and he's trying to keep me. Anyone in business would have let staff go without work for them, but he choose to retain me. 

[OKtoday]

Maybe he received the government loan during COVID and as required, has to show he continued paying employee(s).

[Pookie1]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

If you have to go, you have to go. Each time you feel overwhelmed or think you have a crush on him, think of your child instead and what you are doing for her as her mom. Let us know how it goes. 

That certainly is the best advice, I will do that. This job has minimal disruptions to her routine, that's why I took it. She is my priority. I'll let you know how things get on. I think my boss is in a funk, hopefully we can work through it. It's only me and him in the company now. 

[Pookie1]

4 minutes ago, OKtoday said:

Maybe he received the government loan during COVID and as required, has to show he continued paying employee(s).

That's a good point. I'm in Australia. However I have covered 4 weeks myself with no income from him to try and help out, so there hadn't been a consistent payment. 

I'm not aware of this loan and the requirements but will have a Google. Business accounting can be very tricky at times and there can be logical answers for strange occurrences as such! 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Pookie1 said:

That certainly is the best advice, I will do that. This job has minimal disruptions to her routine, that's why I took it. She is my priority. I'll let you know how things get on. I think my boss is in a funk, hopefully we can work through it. It's only me and him in the company now. 

His emotional issues aren’t your problem. Don’t absorb that. Detach from work and treat it as a paycheque. Your daughter comes first. You come first as do your financial stability. There’s conflict of interest if you’re extending personal care to your boss. The only shared interest should be in generating revenue so that some of that goes in your pocket.  

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Pookie1 said:

so I see that I'm doing him the favour and he's trying to keep me. Anyone in business would have let staff go without work for them, but he choose to retain me. 

I thought you were working there because you owe him and have to work there to repay him, not that you are doing him a favour.

[Lotsgoingon]

The other way to look at the payment for your time off is that you are indeed a really valuable employee. That money was really salary. I just do not think you "owe" him. Is he the owner of the business? Is the business struggling?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Pookie1 said:

 I have covered 4 weeks myself with no income from him to try and help out, so there hadn't been a consistent payment. 

It's unclear why you "owe him" hours? If you state you enjoy helping out and being with him. Certainly you are not an indentured servant who has to pay off "debt" by working it off. Indentured servitude has been outlawed for centuries.

Then you claim you don't need money and are doing well financially, so much so that you worked for free so it's unclear also why you are even working there, except that you enjoy the work. But then state you needed an advance on your pay?

Are either of you married?  What exactly do you mean by "Chinese wife situation" on his phone, but his mother is trying to "fix you up"? 

Edited October 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Pookie1]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you "owe him" hours? If you state you enjoy helping out and being with him. Certainly you are not an indentured servant who has to pay off "debt" by working it off. Indentured servitude has been outlawed for centuries.

Then you claim you don't need money and are doing well financially, so much so that you worked for free so it's unclear also why you are even working there, except that you enjoy the work. But then state you needed an advance on your pay?

Are either of you married?  What exactly do you mean by "Chinese wife situation" on his phone, but his mother is trying to "fix you up"? 

I think you might be confused or the story is confusing. I do need to work 15 hours a week “somewhere”. 

I've never worked for free, I've only covered myself financially during this time for four weeks waiting for him to open a shop which hasn't eventuated. I have a budget I like to keep to which includes having a small income from working. 

I owe him hours because he's been paying me in advance and keeps saying the shop will open soon but it hasn't. 

I suspect he may have an online relationship with a lady in China as he has a photo of her on his phone display (the photo is taken in China) but no ones ever met her or knows her including his Mother. I am not married. 

His Mum used to take me coffee at work and visit me, asking me about my relationship status all the time and asking if my boss had a new girlfriend as he seems so happy. I said I don't know he just does the deliveries. 

[Pookie1]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The other way to look at the payment for your time off is that you are indeed a really valuable employee. That money was really salary. I just do not think you "owe" him. Is he the owner of the business? Is the business struggling?

Yes he is the owner, it's just me and him in the business now. The business isn't struggling he's doing well. He also financially supports his Mother. 

He's told be I am a huge asset to the company many many times. He should have let me go if he wanted to keep professional. 

 

[Pookie1]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

I thought you were working there because you owe him and have to work there to repay him, not that you are doing him a favour.

Yeah both now really,  as I'm well and truly locked into a situation. 

[glows]

Why do you think you’re locked in? Have you tried quitting? My guess is he wants you to think you can’t leave and you do enjoy working for him. It also gives you some flexibility, having your daughter with you while you work. 

It’s good to feel useful and indispensable but you both probably know you can walk out of this job and he’d find someone else pretty quickly. It doesn’t sound like money or any perceived extra pay is an issue.

[basil67]

14 hours ago, Pookie1 said:

That's a good point. I'm in Australia. However I have covered 4 weeks myself with no income from him to try and help out, so there hadn't been a consistent payment. 

I'm not aware of this loan and the requirements but will have a Google. Business accounting can be very tricky at times and there can be logical answers for strange occurrences as such! 

I'm also in Australia.  I'm not aware of any government loans, but I do recall there being small business grants and payments such as Jobkeeper designed to keep businesses afloat and ensure their employees could be paid.  

Given that you believe yourself to be in debt to him, it would be worth finding out what scheme the money came from and it's purpose.  If he paid you using those funds, it's possible that you may not owe him anything at all.   But no matter what you need a full understanding of the history of this money, the legalities of what he's done and what it - if anything - you owe.  

[Pookie1]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm also in Australia.  I'm not aware of any government loans, but I do recall there being small business grants and payments such as Jobkeeper designed to keep businesses afloat and ensure their employees could be paid.  

Given that you believe yourself to be in debt to him, it would be worth finding out what scheme the money came from and it's purpose.  If he paid you using those funds, it's possible that you may not owe him anything at all.   But no matter what you need a full understanding of the history of this money, the legalities of what he's done and what it - if anything - you owe.  

I would never have privy to the information if it was to be true.

I don’t think it’s the case… but I will keep it in mind. We always make a loss in winter with sales, so it could be part of a business plan….