Break up.

[Chris21234]

Hello everyone,
A few days ago my girlfriend of 2 years and 7 months broke up with me (i am 22 and she is almost 21). She said she didn’t feel it anymore and she missed me less than normal. Everything was perfect for 2 years and 5 months. There was much love and intimacy coming from both sides, we were both so happy with eachother and we never had big beef, small discussions of 15 minutes yes but no beef. But then it changed. We didnt see eachother for a long time (we had online contact) because of finals and separate vacations with our families and when both back she also got COVID. During those 2 COVID weeks it started changing. She told me she felt she was making evolution as a person the past 2 months, which is normal at 20 years old. She told me she was searching for herself a bit, searching what she wants. She now has the urge to spend more times with friends (which she didn’t do when we were together, although i tried to make her see her friends more) and she also wants times just on her own. She says she can feel happy when she is alone for this moment. I am still in love with her, for me she feels like the one. She told me that she does not want that i keep hope to get back together because she does not want to keep hurting me and she still likes me as a person and doesnt wan to lose me so she would like to stay friends. I know she loves me as a person, she told me explicitly. (maybe even more idk that but right now it is just repressed because of the situation and she wants to do everything correctly to not lose me entirely)

We both study at college and are in the same years and classes, so we see eachother almost daily. At this moment we don’t contact though. Should i keep no contact? Or should i act normal with her? We did talk yesterday just because i did not understand the reasons at first. What should i do now? Keep the contact? Or do a no contact for a while? Also now (6 days after the breakup) she sent me some pics of her dog, whom really liked me and i liked him too. I responded short. What do i do if she stays sending me stuff, do i tell her i am not ready to chat casual and i need some time to process all this so we could become friends? Do i tell her already now or do i wait till she sends something again?

I am in two minds right now. On the one hand i just want to be back together, because we had such great times, we were so much in love and we always felt happy with eachother. But on the other hand i don’t want to lose her completely and if we really can’t get back together, i want to be friends with her because we were quite literally also eachothers best friends. She also does not want to lose me completely. We both aren’t interested in someone else or something new, she explicitly told me that. I don’t really know how i should handle this whole situation. What do you think?

 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Chris21234 said:

 What do you think?

 

The breakup is very fresh, so it’s going to be a major adjustment for both of you. Keep in mind it’s very likely that she had been thinking about breaking up for substantially longer in her mind. For you, one day you were a couple and the next day it was over, but for her it’s been a slow steady withdrawal. Which means she’s likely in her mind able to see you as “just a friend” whereas you’re not there yet.

 

Yes I think telling her you need time and to go no contact is a good idea. It will be harder because you see each other so often. Just know that it will take time, so be patient. You need to get rid of the idea of getting back togsther. Just focus on you, your friends, your school work as much as possible. In six months you’ll feel a lot better. In a year, you’ll probably be dating other women.

[Chris21234]

Hi. I am 22 years old, my ex is 21. After 2 years and 7 months being together she broke up with me 4 weeks ago. She said the feeling had changed and that she missed me less than usual. (she always missed me freaking much, so yeah it could have been a big thing to her that she missed me less). She said she does not want to lose me and wants to stay friends.

Our relationship was pretty great. We didn't have much problems or big quarrels. We both study the same courses and are in the same year at the university. Sometimes she could complain that i study way too much and dont make a lot of time for her. This was certainly so in the beginning of our relation, but it only got better and better and the last 1,5 year this wasn't really a thing anymore. We were daily together (except the weekends), maybe even too much. We also did everything together. She did not haad the need to interact much with her friends anymore (also because of covid) and also got "backstabbed" for it (they planned a vacation for September without her (they planned it in May)). This hurt her a lot. She always loved me a lot and she always wanted to be with me instead of other persons although i tried to convince her to meet with friends.

Because of exams in May/June and a family trip in July and a covid-infection, we did see eachother for only 6 days in 12 weeks. I felt something changed in August but she told me it was because of the situation with her friends and also a difficult thesis for university. She told me not to worry and that everything would be great. In September her friends were on vacation and she told me she didn't wanna go on a trip with me because she wanted to work for the thesis, she was running behind schedule, and she also said she wanted to be alone for this 2 weeks while also avoiding social media. She also told me she was fed up with her friends and that she wanted to make new friends at the start of the schoolyear. At that time she also told me that i was the only person she could trust. The week before school she wanted to talk to me and she said for the first time she was doubting us. We decided to give eachother some space and time, but 5 days later she broke up with me.

I have the feeling she is searching for what she wants in life and that she needs all liberty to find it, so that she doesn't need to keep in mind someone else. I asked her if i can wait for her, but she told me that she does not want me to hope we will get together again and that i should put our relationship out of my head. She does not want to lead me. Now she interacts again with her friends and she also is more social now then when we were together, a sort of coping and trying to change her life i guess. 

I feel like she lost the first feelings of being in love with me and wasn't ready to just love and care about me, not ready to settle down, which is normal at this young age. It feels like a pity, that if we had been 5 years older we would have been happily together for the rest of our lives. But now she is not ready to settle down.

Another option is that she got tired of me and our relationship, but it feels like that isn't really the case as she keeps trying to keep in touch with me. We did have some conversations (like 5 in those first 3 weeks), but for me it is always very emotional. I told her it was better to not send eachother for 2 weeks (we don't have classes now for 2 weeks), so i could have time to accept the situation and try to let it go. But the first week she tagged me 2x in something and also sent a video of her, no texts though. I respond like usual.

I love her with all my heart and if it was for me i would want to grow old with her. She feels like the one for me, my soulmate.

I don't really know what i can do, if even I can do something...

Thanks for your help!

[ExpatInItaly]

It is how things often go in a relationship that started when you were very young: one person outgrows the relationship before the other, but it's met its natural end. 

You are going to need to tell her not to contact you. What she is doing now is very unfair to you, but also very common for someone who is inexperienced with break-ups. She wants to keep you around as her buddy.. Understandably, that is too painful for you. Be direct and tell her to stop. 

That is really all you can do. Look out for yourself now as you navigate this next chapter. 

[Clarity1]

You are both quite young and both on the path of finding yourselves, and who you want to be. It's tough at that age especially when you feel like she's her person, however, you need to give her the space she desires, otherwise, she can feel suffocated, and cause her to distance herself even more from you. 

The less contact from her, the better for you to heal and disconnect yourself from the emotional connection you feel for her. If staying friends straight away is too much for you, then you need to be honest with her and let her know you need your own time. 

[glows]

She’s clear she doesn’t want to be with you so while it’s very difficult now it’s better you accept this fully and start healing. 

Not believing her and living in denial is not the way to go. Let go and put this behind you. Remember she chose to move on. You can remove notifications or take her off your feed or mute her contact for awhile/indefinitely. 

She doesn’t seem too intrusive and obnoxious but time will tell. If she keeps contacting you personally tell her not to and being friends is not realistic. You wish her the best and move on.