What did I do wrong?

[Classicfiction]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

This is why people seek therapy.  It's also why you found yourself in a toxic relationship with an abusive man.  It's all related to your low self-esteem and lack of self-love.

There is no reason to "give up" on love, that type of mindset is overly-dramatic, unnecessary and doesn't solve anything.

Lord if you know the BS I have experienced, in relationships way WAY longer than yours by YEARS, you might not feel so devastated by this one experience with a man you spent very very little time with.  Who was a mere blip in the grand scheme of things called your entire life.

I bounced back from those experiences, most people do.

So can you, and so WILL you.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I will give you some advice my mom gave me -- stop feeling sorry for yourself, pick yourself up and carry on, for yourself and your son.  You owe him (your son) that, don't you think?

You are stronger than you think, I promise you.

 

100%.  Been there done that... the only thing that gets you to a place of self love is to start to unpack your emotional suitcase and discover why you cling to emotionally unavailable people.  Therapy sounds like just something people throw out there to give you an option, but seriously it helps so much, you would not believe!

Please take this advice and find someone qualified to talk to, girl.  The feelings of unworthiness and giving up is bigger than a failed relationship.  Those feelings are your mind and body giving you some alarm bells that you need help.

You are beating yourself up over this now after initially not understanding why the clinging was a problem.  I also know this pattern and have experienced it myself.  Therapy is seriously the BEST thing you could do for yourself right now.  Give yourself that as a gift and your first step toward self love.  It will absolutely help you navigate relationships in the future so you can prevent these terrible feelings.

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

accept now that i probably repulse him and he has lost respect for me.

Why would you say that? That’s a little extreme, don’t you think? A more rational explanation would be, for example, that he’s lost interest because you have a young child, and he has come to the conclusion that he doesn’t want that responsibility. Especially because he’s got no kids of his own. This is just one of many possible reasons, so please stop going to extremes by saying these horrendous things about yourself. That hurts my heart. He wouldn’t have had sex with you, or spent time with you if he had found you repulsive. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

But now after reading this thread, I realise it was just a fling to him and he was distancing himself so I would dump him rather than him doing the dirty work. He didn't even accord me the respect of a phone call to deliver the news.

 

I've been nothing but supportive and kind to him.Ll Sometimes I tried to lean on him for support- was that such a bad thing? 

 

I accept now that i probably repulse him and he has lost respect for me. It hurts cos this is  someone I really cared about. 

 

 

It’s fine to care but you overinvested and are internalizing this way too much. Let the dust settle for awhile and let this pass.

You’re placing too much of your self-worth on this guy who didn’t even give you the time of day and didn’t reciprocate nor treat you in the way you wished for in a relationship. 

I mentioned earlier to find more appropriate means of support whether through therapy, joining clubs and volunteering and creating more of a support system for yourself. We all need someone to lean on. You picked someone so far removed from your everyday life it became almost a fantasy or escape from your daily life. Deal with any issues head on at home with more accessible support where you live and near home, not jumping into romances like these that are disappointing and not reciprocal.

[introverted1]

16 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I naively believed he would be a source of strength in  navigating this painful process.

Unfortunately, this was indeed a naive perspective. 

It's not reasonable to think that a new person in your life wants to take on the role of therapist/support system.  This is something for established friendships and, even then, it may be beyond the bounds of what is reasonable to expect.

A new friendship (or romance) cannot get off the ground when one of the people is recovering from abuse and navigating a painful process.  You need to work on resolving your own issues first before you can become a good partner to someone new.

Wishing you the best.

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I decided during the relationship or whatever it was that if it didn'twork out, I would give up on love. Which is why it is particularly devastating. It feels like it signals the end of many things heart related.  Not an optimistic outlook considering I'm 34. I don't know if I have the capacity to open up my heart to another man.

Take a step back. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and a "rule" like this is melodramatic and completely unnecessary. To be "brutally honest" with you it sounds somewhat childish, and not a "rule" anyone needs to be living by at the age of 34.

You seem to have decided to pin all your hopes on a partly unavailable and not super-interested man. Why? It sounds like you've been through a lot, and this seems like a form of self-sabotage. Consider whether you may unconsciously fear a new relationship, or not trust yourself to make a good choice of partner or have some similar issue?

If you're seeing a therapist, once you've addressed more important issues, talk to them about why you'd concoct such a rule for yourself. Then ditch it and move on with your life, including romantically.

[Seekinghappydays2000]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

It doesn’t have to have been a fling to him, for him to want things to end. Like a few of us have said, it might just have been regular dating / getting to know each other on the early stages, and for whatever reason he lost interest - which again is very common. Nothing unlovable about you.

As for the slow fade, not great, but also common, especially I suspect with long distance relationships. Focusing on him and the “why” is useless. It won’t bring you “closure”. That’s something you do for yourself. 
 

You’ve acknowledged you have issue with self worth and self esteem. What are you doing about that? Improving those things will put you on a better place to start dating.

I am not even sure I care to date anymore. My heart has been ripped too many times. I'm so worn out and tired. The way he discarded me so easily hurts. I genuinely thought we had something going but all this while it was just a passing thing of fun for him.

 

 

I just got out of an abusive marriage and really wanted some kindness and love. But now he has just worsened my grief. And never even showed up once as a friend once he had had enough fun with me.

 

He would say things like "I want a child next year, how long do you need to get things in order". I told him I needed just a  bit patience and that was the truth. The marriage was over. But I noticed that as I started taking even more direct steps to further detach from my ex husband, this guy started becoming cold.

 

It is almost like it dawned on him that I was actually available and therefore there were no more excuses as to why we couldn't move forward.

 

I dont think he really wanted me. Probably just the fantasy of it and when things became real and it dawned on him that i was truly available and no longer attachedb to anyone , he fled. 

Edited October 4, 2022 by Seekinghappydays2000

[Seekinghappydays2000]

3 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Take a step back. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and a "rule" like this is melodramatic and completely unnecessary. To be "brutally honest" with you it sounds somewhat childish, and not a "rule" anyone needs to be living by at the age of 34.

You seem to have decided to pin all your hopes on a partly unavailable and not super-interested man. Why? It sounds like you've been through a lot, and this seems like a form of self-sabotage. Consider whether you may unconsciously fear a new relationship, or not trust yourself to make a good choice of partner or have some similar issue?

If you're seeing a therapist, once you've addressed more important issues, talk to them about why you'd concoct such a rule for yourself. Then ditch it and move on with your life, including romantically.

I created the rule because I'm scared.

 

I'm scared of my choices. Scared of my capacity to love which is hardly ever reciprocated.

 

I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of being hurt again. I hate that I'm so vulnerable and wish I were a hardened person with little emotional connection to people. Because being a loving and caring person has brought me nothing but pain and rejection. I'm so worn out 

[BrinnM]

So I’m not sure I’m understanding the timeline correctly, but if you guys had an affair while you were still officially with your husband, then it’s quite possible that your new guy got cold feet once you actually decided to divorce. He may have told you he wanted a future with you, but once things started to get real, he may have had second thoughts. Is that what happened? 

[Seekinghappydays2000]

10 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

So I’m not sure I’m understanding the timeline correctly, but if you guys had an affair while you were still officially with your husband, then it’s quite possible that your new guy got cold feet once you actually decided to divorce. He may have told you he wanted a future with you, but once things started to get real, he may have had second thoughts. Is that what happened? 

My marriage was over, we had just separated but were still living in house due to financial reasons and for the convenience of our son. I asked my estranged husband to move out of the house  after he strangled me and slapped me but he refused insisting it was his house and paid for by his company. We are in a country where women's lives do not matter. No shelters or anything. And domestic violence is culturally accepted.

Once I was able to gather enough money with support of my family, I got an apartment with my son. This was when new guy started distancing. I wasn't even trying to get married again or anything just wanted a bit of gentleness and kindness from him. Inhabe friends and family but you know emotional support from someone with romantic feelings is different. 

I can't start divorce proceedings yet because we are in a foreign country and im on a spousal visa + insurance tried to his company but we are formally separated, family is aware etc. 

Please if you don't mind, which psychotherapist can I see? Thanks

 

[Seekinghappydays2000]

32 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Take a step back. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and a "rule" like this is melodramatic and completely unnecessary. To be "brutally honest" with you it sounds somewhat childish, and not a "rule" anyone needs to be living by at the age of 34.

You seem to have decided to pin all your hopes on a partly unavailable and not super-interested man. Why? It sounds like you've been through a lot, and this seems like a form of self-sabotage. Consider whether you may unconsciously fear a new relationship, or not trust yourself to make a good choice of partner or have some similar issue?

If you're seeing a therapist, once you've addressed more important issues, talk to them about why you'd concoct such a rule for yourself. Then ditch it and move on with your life, including romantically.

Which online therapist do you suggest i see? I spoke to one on Better Health but he was more a counsellor. I need someone who can tell me fromma scientific perspective why I am who I am and how to deal with all these deep scars. Thanks

[poppyfields]

57 minutes ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I dont think he really wanted me. Probably just the fantasy of it and when things became real and it dawned on him that i was truly available and no longer attachedb to anyone , he fled. 

This^ is entirely possible, and it's a possibility with any new relationship.  

It's a risk we ALL take when embarking on developing a relationship with any new person. 

No one knows what the outcome will be.  That's why imo it's best to focus on the journey and NOT the destination - the outcome. 

If/when things don't work out, look within to determine your role in the demise NOT on whether he's avoidant, scared of relationships, or how HE wronged you.

You will never learn anything by doing that, you will only become bitter, jaded and distrustful just as you are now. 

TBH OP, you were living in your own fantasy.  You saw what you wanted to see, NOT what was actually there - after your in-person visit when he was distancing himself and finding excuses to not see you and talk to you. 

This was your error imo and something to explore within yourself for next time. 

Not reading him nor the situation correctly and clinging to the "beginning" - the fantasy. 

Read again about what he said about you not letting him just "be."

He gave so many indications that he needed to be left alone but you kept pushing, clinging to "the beginning."  And acting within that frame. 

Again read your initial post again. 

Learn to live in the present. When someone is pulling away, don't cling to the beginning, recognize what is happening in the present and act accordingly. 

It's important to always remain flexible in this regard otherwise what happened here will become a pattern in all your subsequent relationships

In this case, that meant you pulling away and leaving him alone.  

THAT was the nail in the coffin imo.  

Not that you have a kid, not that he got scared.

He needed some breathing room after your two week visit which included sexual intimacy and you failed to give that to him

He might be thinking that you failed him!  In a way he did say that. 

I'm not saying this to hurt you and of course none of us actually knows what's going on his his head.  It's all speculation.

But nevertheless it's important to reflect.  I did this after every relationship, long term and short term.

It's how I learned.  About myself, my motivations, my limitations.

And also about others and how it's all related. 

Now put on big girl panties lol, lift yourself up, wipe that **** off, and carry on.

All the best.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 4, 2022 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

Which online therapist do you suggest i see? I spoke to one on Better Health but he was more a counsellor. I need someone who can tell me fromma scientific perspective why I am who I am and how to deal with all these deep scars. Thanks

I can't recommend anyone specific, but I'd look for someone with lots of experience, specializes in spousal abuse and any other issues you feel are pertinent, and who seems to be continuing to explore new techniques. You might look for a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, rather than an MFT.

I'm not sure science can tell you everything. "In vivo" systems tend to be complicated. However, you can probably make progress and get to the point where your issues are no longer having as much of an impact and interfering with your life.

Look out for the occasional weirdo and/or therapist who seems to have an agenda as a small, but real, % are those. If you seem to have run into one of those, just look for a new therapist. Life's a marathon, so there is no need to rush this.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

Inhabe friends and family but you know emotional support from someone with romantic feelings is different. 

The thing is, you can't expect a romantic interest to offer you emotional support in your detachment from another romantic interest (your husband, in this case) 

I think when you re-set your expectations and keep them more realistic, you will be able to manage disappoointment when it happens. You placed your hopes too high on a man who you were not in a relationship with, which was bound to result in a deep crash. You're oscillating between two extremes, in other words. 

When you've had time to heal from your marriage and the abuse, you will be in a much better position to find a good partner and enjoy a healthy relationship. Now is not that time yet. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I was able to gather enough money with support of my family, I got an apartment with my son.

You're a strong person if you can mange that in the setting you are in. If your trusted friends and family are aware, lean on that for support. As far as therapy, you could go to your primary physician for an evaluation of your health and ask for a referral to someone in your insurance plan. A holiday fling is a relief/distraction, but you come home to the same old issues.

[glows]

5 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of being hurt again. I hate that I'm so vulnerable and wish I were a hardened person with little emotional connection to people. Because being a loving and caring person has brought me nothing but pain and rejection. I'm so worn out 

I don’t think you’re alone here. Many worry about the future in different ways, not always in terms of love and relationships. You’re just emerging out of a divorce or going through a divorce. Adjusting isn’t easy and it doesn’t happen overnight. I can’t speak for anyone else but there were so many parts of me that I had to piece back together. Maybe you feel differently but trust your instincts if you’re feeling shaky or vulnerable. You’re lucky this overseas romance didn’t work out and he didn’t end up wasting more of your time or scamming you out a number of years toying with your heart or promising things he could never be. 

Give yourself a bit more time and don’t give in to that need to be with someone. Give yourself a chance to figure things out through your divorce and work on you so that you’re not leaping into these situations. You can still be that loving and caring person. Hitting pause here and there doesn’t mean you giving up who you are. You’re refocusing and focusing your energies on you so you end up picking better partners who are compatible with you and treat you well.

[Goodguy05]

I don't think you did anything wrong. He was already out of the relationship weeks ago when you had no communication for weeks

Edited October 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed long quote

[ShyViolet]

Your first mistake was getting so emotionally invested in a man who lives in another country, who you had spent only 2 weeks with in person.  Relationships are an IN-PERSON activity.  This texting/phone relationship that you had with this man was a poor excuse for a real relationship.

Your second mistake was compromising your self-respect and chasing a man who was clearly doing the slow fade and showing you loud and clear with his behavior that he was not interested in you.  You don't repeatedly call and text someone, over and over and over again, who is not responding.  That's just not normal behavior.  The first time that he ghosted you or didn't respond to your messages, you should have gotten the hint.  It doesn't sound like you are in a healthy emotional place to be dating.  You need to get yourself into therapy to work on your issues and gain better judgment in relationships.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

 I hate that I'm so vulnerable and wish I were a hardened person with little emotional connection to people. Because being a loving and caring person has brought me nothing but pain and rejection. I'm so worn out 

The answer is not to be hard and have little emotional connection.

What you actually need to develop is resilience.   Resilience is the ability to recover after something goes wrong.    People who have resilience love wholly and fully, but they also know that if and when it goes wrong, they will be OK.  Sure, it still hurts and they will go through all the grieving processes, but they know they will come out the other side and continue to lead a full life and love again.  

Resilience is frequently developed as a child, particularly when our parents are loving but also allow us to fail.  Going hungry because we forgot to pack our lunch, or getting in trouble with the teacher because we didn't do an assignment teaches us that things go wrong, but that we can recover and learn from the experience.  Conversely, parents who protect their children from adversity are doing nothing to develop this skill.   Resilience can also be developed as an adult.  There are loads of resources on the internet about how to develop the skill, but for professional help, you'd want to find a psychologist who can work with you to reflect on your past and develop your skills to cope with the future.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I need someone who can tell me fromma scientific perspective why I am who I am and how to deal with all these deep scars.

This is an unrealistic expectation for a therapist/counsellor unless you are willing to do years of psychotherapy - after which, you may have some understanding but little practical assistance in actually moving forward. 

A good therapist/counsellor will help you to  explore your own thoughts because these have influenced your decisions in relationships and life. They will talk with you about strategies to heal past trauma. They will give you strategies to help you to recognize unhealthy relationship patterns/partners and suggestions on how to build your own self worth and resiliency. The focus when looking at the past should always be on helping you to create a new and healthier future…

The therapist will not do the work for you, in much the same way as the man you chose as your marriage was ending could not do the work for you - only you can do that. But, you will be highly beneficial if you can do so with the support of a good therapist/counsellor. 

Edited October 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, Seekinghappydays2000 said:

I am not even sure I care to date anymore. My heart has been ripped too many times. I'm so worn out and tired. The way he discarded me so easily hurts. I genuinely thought we had something going but all this while it was just a passing thing of fun for him.

 

 

I just got out of an abusive marriage and really wanted some kindness and love. But now he has just worsened my grief. And never even showed up once as a friend once he had had enough fun with me.

 

He would say things like "I want a child next year, how long do you need to get things in order". I told him I needed just a  bit patience and that was the truth. The marriage was over. But I noticed that as I started taking even more direct steps to further detach from my ex husband, this guy started becoming cold.

 

It is almost like it dawned on him that I was actually available and therefore there were no more excuses as to why we couldn't move forward.

 

I dont think he really wanted me. Probably just the fantasy of it and when things became real and it dawned on him that i was truly available and no longer attachedb to anyone , he fled. 

You don't have to date, you know? You don't have to be in a relationship. So if you're feeling worn out, listen to that sentiment. It is time to take a break from romantic relationships.

Also, I'm probably not the only one who thinks you shouldn't have been dating anyway. It seems that you only recently started taking steps to end your abusive marriage. You also have a child. That means you have a lot on your plate. You need to be done with the marriage (legally and emotionally) and you and your child need to be stable before you deem yourself ready to move on to a new relationship.

In addition, it's important not to give any man you're dating the role of affirming your worthiness as a human being. The sense that you are worthy should come from within you so that, whether or not you are in a relationship and whether your partner is loving or abusive, you will value yourself. The the men you encounter may be going through psychological struggles of their own and may not have it all figured out when it comes to relationships. So you shouldn't give them so much control over how you perceive yourself. Remember, this guy was talking to you about wanting to have children soon when you barely knew each other. That should have set off your alarm bells. Look up the term "future faking."