Making a guy like you

[hotpotato]

18 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I understand.   And it's how YOU feel.  And as I said, it's also how I feel.  I never bothered, not my cup of tea, next. 

BUT not all women think like we do, we are all individuals with out own ways of conducting ourselves which includes how we choose to interact with men, date and develop relationships

There is no right or wrong, only different.

And who knows?  It's possible upon telling a man she prefers to date first, before sex, he might develop a certain respect for her and change his frame about that, and ask her on a proper date!

I've seen where that has happened and they ended up dating for a long time. 

For me I was never interested, which is why I never did.

To each her own OP, live and let live, different strokes.

Again, no right or wrong, just different.

 

 

To each his own is true, I was just curious. I certainly wouldn't remind a man to spend time with me. I think if he's brave enough to open his mouth and out of the blue for sex, he's also brave enough to ask me on a date. I never had to remind a man to date me. If he wanted to, he did. Maybe I got spoiled???

I thought about it, and what annoys me is that the woman is doing the emotion work for a man that she's not even dating. I don't feel as though I should have to tell a man to calm his tempers, remind him that I'm not a sex object, and "communicate" that I'm actually here to date. I've never met a man who communicated anything, especially not when it mattered. When men don't like a situation, they up and go somewhere. I've never had a man be like, "Oh, this is how I feel, this is what I want, I wish you'd do this, etc etc " I think that's what's bugging me, and I also feel like for a relationship to be really good, a man truly needs to be crazy about the woman. I don't feel like he's that interested in me as a person if I have to remind him to spendntime with me. 

[Weezy1973]

32 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

I also feel like for a relationship to be really good a man truly needs to be crazy about the woman.

And how has that belief worked out for you so far? How “crazy” people feel about each other at the onset has no correlation with how good a relationship will be. 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I was just curious as to if this was normal for women to do or not.

It's normal for PEOPLE to try for what they want.  If the guy wants to have sex with the woman he tries.  If the woman wants to have a relationship with the man, she tries.  And vice versa.  Etcetera.  

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, hotpotato said:

 

I thought about it, and what annoys me is that the woman is doing the emotion work for a man that she's not even dating. I don't feel as though I should have to tell a man to calm his tempers, remind him that I'm not a sex object, and "communicate" that I'm actually here to date. I've never met a man who communicated anything, especially not when it mattered. When men don't like a situation, they up and go somewhere. I've never had a man be like, "Oh, this is how I feel, this is what I want, I wish you'd do this, etc etc " I think that's what's bugging me, and I also feel like for a relationship to be really good, a man truly needs to be crazy about the woman. I don't feel like he's that interested in me as a person if I have to remind him to spendntime with me. 

In your OP you described none of these things.  You simply complained about this woman telling a man she is interested in dating as opposed to a hookup.  

That has NOTHING to do with doing any kind of emotional work for another person, it's simply stating what SHE wants.   He can do with it what he wants.

Meanwhile you don't date,  and your requirement is that a man be crazy about you when presumably he doesn't know you yet.   I don't think that's realistic. 

[poppyfields]

@hotpotato I am confused about your "women doing the emotional work” comment as well, not sure how that would apply here.

All your friend is doing is telling a man she prefers to date (and presumably get to know him first) before hooking up.  Which doesn't strike me as being emotional at all.

With that said, I do understand why you might be offended or turned off by a man’s “sex first” approach, especially re how it’s delivered.

If you’re experiencing (or experienced) anything like I did when OLDing, it was quite crude.   I wish I could repeat here, but like I said in a previous post, it would be a language breach but I am sure you can surmise from that how crude it was.  I am referring to their very first message right outta the gate!   Again those messages went straight to trash.

On the other hand, I have been out with men who pushed for sex on the first meet/date, and when it was not asked in a crude offensive way, in those cases I would politely tell such man I would prefer to wait and get to know each other better, and they were open to that and we continued dating. 

I did NOT take offense to that at all nor did I read anything inappropriate into their asking.  When a man meets a woman he is attracted to, he wants to have sex!  And there is nothing wrong with that or with him asking as long as it's done in a respectful way.  IMO.

Maybe it's me, but I can't seem to figure out what the issue is exactly except to say the fact you choose to NOT date at all suggests that perhaps you have some unresolved issues re men in general?

I do recall another thread you created a long while back discussing why you didn't believe men and women could be just friends as every man you meet regardless of what context it's in (co-workers for example) wants to have sex with you.

I take from that you feel quite sexually objectified by men which may have a bearing on why you feel as you do in this situation.

I am speculating of course, just my take from reading your threads and posts.

 

 

 

Edited October 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[hotpotato]

On 10/24/2022 at 7:58 AM, Weezy1973 said:

This doesn’t guarantee anything either. A guy can date a woman properly, get to know her, have sex, and dump her shortly after. Multiple threads on here where that happened. 

That sounds like things didn't work out. That happens, and its better than being dishonest. That's why it's pivotal to have a man who is crazy about you. 

[hotpotato]

On 10/24/2022 at 8:35 AM, Weezy1973 said:

And how has that belief worked out for you so far? How “crazy” people feel about each other at the onset has no correlation with how good a relationship will be. 

I have one who is crazy about me right now, but I don't want to date so idk. I had another one who was crazy about me who I'd call me number 1 fan, but he is obese. He was mostly kind and sweet. 

 

I've had problems with men who were lukewarm about me for sure! I've definitely had issues with men who were still 'crazy' about another woman. 

[hotpotato]

On 10/24/2022 at 11:44 AM, NuevoYorko said:

In your OP you described none of these things.  You simply complained about this woman telling a man she is interested in dating as opposed to a hookup.  

That has NOTHING to do with doing any kind of emotional work for another person, it's simply stating what SHE wants.   He can do with it what he wants.

Meanwhile you don't date,  and your requirement is that a man be crazy about you when presumably he doesn't know you yet.   I don't think that's realistic. 

Of course, he can't develop those feelings if he doesn't spend time with me. As I said before, if you allow many men will have sex with you and barely talk to you. Idk I had guys fall for me pretty quickly. I think men fall in love very quickly. 

 

Imo yes, it us the emotion work as one is trying to make the relationship flow a certain way.

Just because a man wants sex doesn't mean he has to ask right off the bat. A man wanting to have sex with a woman means alkost nothing. He can choose to take things slow. If a man treats me that way, he will he categorized accordingly. If he doesn't show me that he cares about who I am as a person, then so be it. If he's bold enough to asknfor sex, he also can ask to take me on a date and get to know me. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, hotpotato said:

 

Imo yes, it us the emotion work as one is trying to make the relationship flow a certain way.

 

 

Being true to oneself, communicating ones wants and needs, and trying for what one wants in life and relationships is self serving and people who do all of these things have a significant advantage.   

Maybe you'd choose to date again if you took an active role in advocating for yourself rather than remaining passive to avoid influencing the "flow" of a relationship.

[Weezy1973]

10 hours ago, hotpotato said:

I have one who is crazy about me right now, but I don't want to date so idk. I had another one who was crazy about me who I'd call me number 1 fan, but he is obese. He was mostly kind and sweet. 

 

I've had problems with men who were lukewarm about me for sure! I've definitely had issues with men who were still 'crazy' about another woman. 

So it seems like the level of “crazy” a guy has for you is completely irrelevant. Weird that you think it’s such a major factor. Perhaps the affirmation of a man being attracted to you makes you feel good about yourself and you’re mistaking that for being a harbinger of romantic success. 

[NuevoYorko]

Are most of your interactions with men online?  

[basil67]

12 hours ago, hotpotato said:

Just because a man wants sex doesn't mean he has to ask right off the bat. 

Unless the service has a clause otherwise, he does have that right.   However, given that very few women are up for sex with a guy she's never had a conversation with, his approach is going to fail....so he gets his consequence.  

[hotpotato]

On 10/24/2022 at 3:06 PM, poppyfields said:

@hotpotato I am confused about your "women doing the emotional work” comment as well, not sure how that would apply here.

All your friend is doing is telling a man she prefers to date (and presumably get to know him first) before hooking up.  Which doesn't strike me as being emotional at all.

With that said, I do understand why you might be offended or turned off by a man’s “sex first” approach, especially re how it’s delivered.

If you’re experiencing (or experienced) anything like I did when OLDing, it was quite crude.   I wish I could repeat here, but like I said in a previous post, it would be a language breach but I am sure you can surmise from that how crude it was.  I am referring to their very first message right outta the gate!   Again those messages went straight to trash.

On the other hand, I have been out with men who pushed for sex on the first meet/date, and when it was not asked in a crude offensive way, in those cases I would politely tell such man I would prefer to wait and get to know each other better, and they were open to that and we continued dating. 

I did NOT take offense to that at all nor did I read anything inappropriate into their asking.  When a man meets a woman he is attracted to, he wants to have sex!  And there is nothing wrong with that or with him asking as long as it's done in a respectful way.  IMO.

Maybe it's me, but I can't seem to figure out what the issue is exactly except to say the fact you choose to NOT date at all suggests that perhaps you have some unresolved issues re men in general?

I do recall another thread you created a long while back discussing why you didn't believe men and women could be just friends as every man you meet regardless of what context it's in (co-workers for example) wants to have sex with you.

I take from that you feel quite sexually objectified by men which may have a bearing on why you feel as you do in this situation.

I am speculating of course, just my take from reading your threads and posts.

 

 

 

She is trying to steer the relationship in a certain way. 

No, im not a fan of the have sex first, ask questions later method of dating that men I've met usually use. Him being attracted to a woman doesn't matter. If he thought you were unattractive but not too unattractive, he would still want to have sex with you. 

If I dated, I need to see the benefits of doing so. When I was younger, I dated men in my current age bracket. They have a lot of baggage for me. Honestly, I think it's easy for a woman to be without a man if she has money and no children. I had to biker guy friends, and that's it. If they didn't have motorcycles, it would have been no one. Lol

As far as the friend thing, it's not just my experience. I'm in a female troupe, and we had a to kick out our line guy bc he was only there to Leer at us. 

[BrinnM]

31 minutes ago, hotpotato said:

Honestly, I think it's easy for a woman to be without a man if she has money and no children.

Yup. 💯👍🏻
For me, the only time I envy my friends who are married is when something needs to be repaired in my house, and I can’t get a quick hold of a plumber or similar  😬

Edited November 5, 2022 by BrinnM

[hotpotato]

On 11/3/2022 at 7:32 PM, Weezy1973 said:

So it seems like the level of “crazy” a guy has for you is completely irrelevant. Weird that you think it’s such a major factor. Perhaps the affirmation of a man being attracted to you makes you feel good about yourself and you’re mistaking that for being a harbinger of romantic success. 

I meant crazy in more of a way of liking a person for who they are not necessarily in a sexual way. I've stated many times that men wanting to have sex with a woman means almost nothing. 

[hotpotato]

On 11/4/2022 at 11:36 PM, BrinnM said:

Yup. 💯👍🏻
For me, the only time I envy my friends who are married is when something needs to be repaired in my house, and I can’t get a quick hold of a plumber or similar  😬

It would be nice to have that second income for sure, but the need isn't dire since I don't have children. 

[hotpotato]

On 11/3/2022 at 9:31 PM, basil67 said:

Unless the service has a clause otherwise, he does have that right.   However, given that very few women are up for sex with a guy she's never had a conversation with, his approach is going to fail....so he gets his consequence.  

If he has such a Hugh risk of failure, why bother? There are other avenues for that. I also have the right to categorize him if he chooses to try to have sex with me quickly.