How to approach this

[ZA Dater]

I will try not make this a very long post.

In short: 38yo never dated, never had any relationship, spent most of my life on my own and lots of family who rely on me. Call me a vicarious dater, everyone always seemed to have what I ultimately wanted.

Toward the end of last year I found someone who I like, we get along well, we share interests but my life is so busy between between work and the above I really struggle with the concept of "couple", the concept feels very foreign to me. I needed to get far out of my comfort zone to try make something work with her. People say emotionally unavailable and maybe if I understand that correctly I pretty much sums me up. By virtue of what I do most days I cannot show too much emotion , its a fast paced, high stress environment so too much emotion just projects weakness.

Does the sum total of ones life sometimes make it impossible to actually date? 

I am really torn, I not particularly want to break up but not sure I can be the person she wants me to be either, not sure any of the pressure and obligations I have in life will become less. For years I tried to date, beat myself up emotionally because  I never found anyone I liked who sort of seemed to like me. I then met this person and have enjoyed the companionship but apparently things are not evolving. In the back of my mind when I was trying to find someone to date I wondered whether I was as a person actually compatible with dating as a concept.

My choices here are

1: Let her go, knowing that she can probably do a lot better than me 

2: Try and make everything work with the view of this maybe not being possible.

3: Let her go and simply concede that my life really is not compatible with dating.

1 and 3 would cause me a degree of hurt.

In short I really do not know what to do. 

[Weezy1973]

I don’t think those are your only options. You can rearrange your life so your relationship becomes a priority. You can open up to her emotionally. You can be vulnerable. 
 

The only reason to break up with her from what you’ve written, is if you you’ve lost interest in her. Unless she told you she wants something more committed, like she wants to move in together or something, then why end it if you like her? Breaking up with someone because you think you’re not good enough for them is cowardly. Talk to her about it. Be honest about your feelings. Let her decide.

[introverted1]

4.  Learn to "shut off" work when you're not there, and become more emotionally open outside of work. This may be something you can do on your own, or it may be something you need help with from a counselor.

[glows]

I don’t see any of her involvement in this. What triggers all this? Who is saying things aren’t evolving? See mid post above choices. 

It may very well be that you’re not in a position to date and it’s not everyone’s priority to make that a priority. The problem is you’ve developed a relationship with this person for some time and her feelings are involved and under the impression too that you are both making each other a priority. Her feelings matter, not just yours. It’s a very good idea to be honest with her and not respond solely to your anxiety. I don’t mean dump all your fears on her or look to her to comfort you either.

Managing your time better and freeing yourself up with enough time to decompress and relax is your responsibility. What I mean is taking some time to think about what you need in the relationship and check with her what her needs are. Don’t assume things aren’t evolving for her if she hasn’t showed you she’s unhappy or she’s thinking that. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I don’t think those are your only options. You can rearrange your life so your relationship becomes a priority. You can open up to her emotionally. You can be vulnerable. 
 

The only reason to break up with her from what you’ve written, is if you you’ve lost interest in her. Unless she told you she wants something more committed, like she wants to move in together or something, then why end it if you like her? Breaking up with someone because you think you’re not good enough for them is cowardly. Talk to her about it. Be honest about your feelings. Let her decide.

Well it would seem she is done. Lot of the conversation was about how things should escalate, it would seem something more committed is what she is looking for.

I have pretty severe limitations in all honesty, I have been up front about me from the outset, I have loved spending time with her, we have had good times but I just feel like it's me who has through circumstances rather than intention failed at this.

Yes I showed a lot of vulnerability which has left me feeling pretty awful for the rest of the day and left me questioning whether I am simply not more suited as a friend.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

4.  Learn to "shut off" work when you're not there, and become more emotionally open outside of work. This may be something you can do on your own, or it may be something you need help with from a counselor.

This is an almost impossible task due to the sheer volume of diverse responsibility I have. I do however try.

[introverted1]

47 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

This is an almost impossible task due to the sheer volume of diverse responsibility I have. I do however try.

Look, if trauma surgeons, EMTs, firefighters and others in intense jobs can find a way to have meaningful relationships, so can you.  Whether you want to or not is a different story.

[Weezy1973]

53 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I just feel like it's me who has through circumstances rather than intention failed at this.

It is not circumstances. It is your choice. If this is how you choose to live your life, it is what it is. But own it. 

[glows]

56 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Well it would seem she is done. Lot of the conversation was about how things should escalate, it would seem something more committed is what she is looking for.

Did she specify? Ie marriage or engagement? This is all very vague. If you’re not feeling it or don’t feel it’s the right time then go your separate ways. You’re not on the same page and her needs aren’t being met either.

[Hopeful30]

Give her an opportunity to respond to this before you make a decision. Have you shared this with her? Does she know how hectic is your life? You might be feeling overwhelmed, and that's okay. If you really like this girl, challenge her character with honesty. If it's going to end, may as well end due to genuine incompatibility and nothing else.

[Hopeful30]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Managing your time better and freeing yourself up with enough time to decompress and relax is your responsibility. 

This. And do it for yourself OP. Even 30 minutes a day is NECESSARY among your obligations, because this is mental health we are talking about. Make it a priority.

 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

it would seem something more committed is what she is looking for.

Is this something you are willing to work towards? Does she want this commitment NOW? Have you discussed other alternatives to maintaining the relationship? The more mutual is this decision, the more win-win.

 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

This is an almost impossible task due to the sheer volume of diverse responsibility I have. I do however try.

How does she expect you to try? Or, how are you trying that's not working?

 

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Look, if trauma surgeons, EMTs, firefighters and others in intense jobs can find a way to have meaningful relationships, so can you.  

Touche.

 

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

It is not circumstances. It is your choice. If this is how you choose to live your life, it is what it is. But own it. 

Agree. It's okay if you're not ready or feel unprepared. Change is not an overnight thing.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Well it would seem she is done. Lot of the conversation was about how things should escalate, it would seem something more committed is what she is looking for.

Rightfully so. Frankly, I’m amazed that she has let this continue for as long as she did before asserting herself. 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I have loved spending time with her, we have had good times but I just feel like it's me who has through circumstances rather than intention failed at this.

It’s not circumstances. It’s not as though there is some external force that has kept you from connecting with this woman in an intimate way and progressing the relationship… that was totally in your control. If it hasn’t happened, it’s because you didn’t allow it/make it happen. 

[flitzanu]

it seems like very little of this gives any detail of you WANTING to stay, or wanting to be involved with her.

which is fine, if you don't want to be with her, then it would be smart to let her go.

but, don't make this into an algebra equation or logistical conundrum, and let me tell you a secret -- this logical type of thinking while excusing all emotion can be a major issue with relationships.  

ask yourself how you FEEL.  not how you THINK you feel, but actually feel.  better yet, discuss it with her if you want to continue dating.  

she isn't going to want to hear the variables in the equation, she likely just wants to hear from your heart.

[bene]

Are you sure this isn’t another form of self sabotage? You feel overwhelmed in a completely new life situation and it seems easier to revert to your old life? 

It’s one thing if you’re not into her enough and don’t want to string her along. But throwing away a good thing because of work obligations seems excessive to me. Even presidents have families and they manage to divide their time somehow between work and private time.

[smackie9]

Why not just RELAX and stop over analyzing everything AND let her be the judge if she needs to walk or not. 

[ZA Dater]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Why not just RELAX and stop over analyzing everything AND let her be the judge if she needs to walk or not. 

She is going to walk. That's basically what I think is going to happen. Besides this today a family member was admitted for an emergency procedure so please excuse me if I seem a bit raw.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

Give her an opportunity to respond to this before you make a decision. Have you shared this with her? Does she know how hectic is your life? You might be feeling overwhelmed, and that's okay. If you really like this girl, challenge her character with honesty. If it's going to end, may as well end due to genuine incompatibility and nothing else.

This was pretty much how I approached this, I was very honest, very vulnerable and I did mention I did not want to give up but I also told her I don't know how to escalate.

In the back of my mind I am realising being single for my entire life is a curse, once again lack of experience means doing what I think is right is not good enough.

I just think I am compatible with nobody, I am that useful guy people rely on because there is nothing emotive about him so he is useful, the broom rather than that fancy robotic cleaning device.

[smackie9]

13 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

She is going to walk. That's basically what I think is going to happen. Besides this today a family member was admitted for an emergency procedure so please excuse me if I seem a bit raw.

What you think and what she thinks and does are most likely different. What is so wrong with having a positive attitude. Look for the good in any situation no matter how bad. Worry and negative thoughts hurt you more, and can damages relationships. My friend just died of stage 4 cancer....he son called me with the sad news...I made sure I got him laughing feeling better because we both needed that relief. Change your brain, change your life. Be positive, smile, laugh. 

Edited October 4, 2022 by smackie9

[Hopeful30]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

In the back of my mind I am realising being single for my entire life is a curse, once again lack of experience means doing what I think is right is not good enough.

I am that useful guy....the broom rather than that fancy robotic cleaning device.

Have women made you feel this way in the past? Not good enough? Where did you learn that your role with women is based on your usefulness? 

For the record, brooms are less prone to malfunction, and you can effectively use them to kill small rodents. Those delicate auto vacuums don't stand a chance 😂 

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Have women made you feel this way in the past? Not good enough? Where did you learn that your role with women is based on your usefulness? 

For the record, brooms are less prone to malfunction, and you can effectively use them to kill small rodents. Those delicate auto vacuums don't stand a chance 😂 

Well the fact that I could never date, always passed over for someone else tends to support that point of view 

What I am thinking of doing is simply asking if she wants to continue seeing me because I would like to continue seeing her, I am happy to try change, happy to put everything on the table and see what happens. There is a lot of frustration with myself because I simply tried to do what I thought was right but clearly it wasn't but how was I to know when I have no experience.

 

[ZA Dater]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

What you think and what she thinks and does are most likely different. What is so wrong with having a positive attitude. Look for the good in any situation no matter how bad. Worry and negative thoughts hurt you more, and can damages relationships. My friend just died of stage 4 cancer....he son called me with the sad news...I made sure I got him laughing feeling better because we both needed that relief. Change your brain, change your life. Be positive, smile, laugh. 

I admire people who can do that, really I do. Most of the time I carry the weight of expectation on my shoulders. A loss of anything is hard to process so please accept my condolences.

 

[Weezy1973]

@ZA Dater When you say you haven’t been able to escalate, do you mean you haven’t had sex yet? Is that the “next step” she’s wanting? Or is it living together? Marriage? 

[ZA Dater]

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater When you say you haven’t been able to escalate, do you mean you haven’t had sex yet? Is that the “next step” she’s wanting? Or is it living together? Marriage? 

I really dont know to be honest. I'll be frank and honest intimacy I struggle with but I try. Everything about me just seems so unsuited to dating, I loved going away for a weekend with her, I love the thought she puts into everything, she has shown me such kindness, really done things I'll never forget, like surprising me with a cake for my birthday, it sounds ridiculous but that meant so much, nobody has ever done that before.

My entire life is geared toward others, there is very little appreciation for any of it so it was nice to be on the receiving end of appreciation.

[glows]

You don’t know what she meant? Ask her to clarify. This has misunderstanding and anxiety written all over it. Please clarify with her what she means. You both seem to care deeply for one another.

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

You don’t know what she meant? Ask her to clarify. This has misunderstanding and anxiety written all over it. Please clarify with her what she means. You both seem to care deeply for one another.

Fundamentally I guess I am just a loner.