How to approach this

[ZA Dater]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yes now that she's gone, you're into her.  But while IN the relationship when she was smitten with you, you were not, or were ambivalent and uncertain of your feelings for her..

ZA, go back and read your own posts in this thread and your previous one. 

Sure you were compatible and obviously liked her as a person and went through the motions but it was clear from your posts you felt nothing more than that. 

Now that's she gone, and wants you only as a friend, suddenly your "into her" almost to the point of obsession it would appear.

Not sure if you read my previous post but what you are feeling  and experiencing is not all that uncommon.

And it would be worth your while to explore it because what's likely to happen is IF you do succeed in "winning" her back and she once again becomes smitten with you, YOU will be back to feeling uncertain about your feelings once again.

In other words, you want her because she doesn't want you.

You don't have her and thus there is no pressure or expectations to deliver.

Honestly ZA, read these threads, on other forums as well, it's very common.

It's about fear. 

 

 

I always was into her but it was a very new and different feeling for me to experience and I did not know how to really express that, again an issue of mine.

As the person who made all the mistakes here I want to try and make it right because in essence it's really about poor communication.

The reality for me is dating so a nearly impossible endeavour and despite my best intentions I still messed it up. I just feel like I never really get it to work.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:.

As the person who made all the mistakes here I want to try and make it right because in essence it's really about poor communication.

You’re looking for an easy fix to the pain you’re in. Many of us have been there, thinking getting back together right away will fix everything. It doesn’t. Let her go. If she wants you back, she’ll let you know. 

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

. I just feel like I never really get it to work.

You’ve had literally one relationship and one break up, so while technically you’re right that it’s “never” worked, it’s a sample size of 1. Hardly enough data to make any conclusions. I’ve just met a woman that was married 5 times. And in a fresh new relationship. Talk about resilience! In the immortal words of Chumbawamba- “I get knocked down, but I get up again…”

You can get up again. 

[BrinnM]

23 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

[BrinnM]

@ZA DaterI remember when you said this: Maybe inherently my nature is to always look for "better".

 

Does that still ring true? Because that’s probably the reason why you couldn’t give yourself to her and in return she couldn’t give herself to you. 

[ZA Dater]

22 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

You’re looking for an easy fix to the pain you’re in. Many of us have been there, thinking getting back together right away will fix everything. It doesn’t. Let her go. If she wants you back, she’ll let you know. 

 

You’ve had literally one relationship and one break up, so while technically you’re right that it’s “never” worked, it’s a sample size of 1. Hardly enough data to make any conclusions. I’ve just met a woman that was married 5 times. And in a fresh new relationship. Talk about resilience! In the immortal words of Chumbawamba- “I get knocked down, but I get up again…”

You can get up again. 

Sure and how many of them took 20 years to have a relationship. Let's be realistic here. My nature is not to sit back, I prefer to be proactive sitting back rarely accomplishes anything in my view.

The pain I have is because I had planned to do a lot of things, planned to say a lot of things, ultimately I have said the words now I need to do the actions. She is still talking to me which I take as good.

I feel I just need to try, I had planned this really elaborate birthday idea for her and I really want to do that. Ultimately I care a great deal about her and my intention was never to hurt her and be where I am now. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 

I feel I just need to try, I had planned this really elaborate birthday idea for her and I really want to do that. Ultimately I care a great deal about her and my intention was never to hurt her and be where I am now. 

 

I hope you do this, and I hope that it has the desired result - that you two get back together.

Also, though, please be aware that it might not have that outcome.  It's important that you still do it.   There is some courage in going ahead with that even though you might not get what you wanted out of the gesture.   Everything doesn't have to be "give to get."    You like her very much and she deserves to hear that from you, and also she deserves to have a  special birthday.  So go ahead and give her that without being attached to your idea of the perfect outcome.  No complaining about how "it never works" etc.

[BaileyB]

Have you ever seen the 80’s movie Say Anything? Get your boom box out OP. 

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I hope you do this, and I hope that it has the desired result - that you two get back together.

Also, though, please be aware that it might not have that outcome.  It's important that you still do it.   There is some courage in going ahead with that even though you might not get what you wanted out of the gesture.   Everything doesn't have to be "give to get."    You like her very much and she deserves to hear that from you, and also she deserves to have a  special birthday.  So go ahead and give her that without being attached to your idea of the perfect outcome.  No complaining about how "it never works" etc.

Irrespective of the outcome I am going to do it. I have been planning this for a long time with some carefully chosen gifts and gestures... hopefully she will like the effort.

I have told her I like her very much but I think words can only go so far. 

She is currently on vacation with family so there is a bit of communication lull but we are still talking.

[ZA Dater]

Small update on this, I am hoping to meet her later this week for the birthday surprise.

I think its easy for me to take the entire blame here because I am entirely to blame but again not sure what made me think I could make a success out of this considering my generally really poor record at even finding someone to date.

Overall I am just really unhappy with myself because I possibly just threw away my only opportunity of ever sort of enjoying what everyone else finds fairly easily and when I look at the mistakes I made I would not have made them if I had some relationship experience.

I was looking forward to so much with her and well the void of emptiness is back but its worse than ever. 

At least I will enjoy giving her these very carefully chosen gifts because its become quite apparent to me I simply do not have any idea how to try and get her back, when intelligence was dished out at this part of life I was not given any.