Why is it so easy for the man

[Maylady]

It seems to happen a lot.  The MM just goes back to his wife.  It doesn't seem that hard for them to walk away from us.  Mine cut and ran when his wife found out. Never heard from him again. How can they just walk like that

[glows]

He has a life built with his wife. An affair seems nearly inconsequential. This is exactly the reason not to be involved with someone who’s already attached or legally bound to someone else.

[BaileyB]

46 minutes ago, Maylady said:

It seems to happen a lot.  The MM just goes back to his wife.  It doesn't seem that hard for them to walk away from us.  Mine cut and ran when his wife found out. Never heard from him again. How can they just walk like that

Nothing saying that his life at home after discovery is “easy.” In fact, I would say that it’s likely not very much fun at all.

He can walk away like that because his wife/marriage is his primary relationship. They share a home, children, a whole life together… and that should not be underestimated. 

[Maylady]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Nothing saying that his life at home after discovery is “easy.” In fact, I would say that it’s likely not very much fun at all.

He can walk away like that because his wife/marriage is his primary relationship. They share a home, children, a whole life together… and that should not be underestimated. 

It's like hell on earth,  which also begs the question, why stay?

Edited October 4, 2022 by Maylady

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Maylady said:

The MM just goes back to his wife.  Mine cut and ran when his wife found out. Never heard from him again. 

Unfortunately this is not a "man" thing, it's a "married" thing. There is too much to lose with a spouse. A lover is more like dessert and completely disposable at any time.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Maylady said:

 why stay?

Why do individuals stay stuck in unhealthy patterns? It does boggle the mind and it happens all the time. If you’re thinking it has anything to do with you it doesn’t. Those are all his decisions he’s chosen and a life he still chooses to live. 

Edited October 4, 2022 by glows

[Maylady]

35 minutes ago, glows said:

Why do individuals stay stuck in unhealthy patterns? It does boggle the mind and it happens all the time. If you’re thinking it has anything to do with you it doesn’t. Those are all his decisions he’s chosen and a life he still chooses to live. 

I'm totally over it now.  I just wonder how it's so easy to just disappear   like the other person was so easily dispensable.   

[glows]

14 minutes ago, Maylady said:

I'm totally over it now.  I just wonder how it's so easy to just disappear   like the other person was so easily dispensable.   

I don’t understand that either. That’s why we date to get to know someone. A person who’s already attached yet going outside of the marriage likely just isn’t available in the way we’re hoping for. You’re a single woman? Go out and celebrate. You are so free of this.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Maylady said:

It's like hell on earth,  which also begs the question, why stay?

Because he has apparently decided that it’s still the better option… he has a lot to lose by leaving his marriage. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I don’t understand that either.

No, but the fact that he is able to walk away like the other person/relationship is disposable may speak to the character of the the man and say a lot about how he truly valued the relationship.

The other thing that it speaks to is the reconciliation… It’s entirely possible that she has required him to end all contact with his affair partner and the fact that he has done that shows where his loyalty lays…

[Stupidkupid]

I think as the xAP you can torture yourself into thinking about whats happening in xMM life.

Its unhealthy if understandable.

But its not the same for everyone.

[Lotsgoingon]

He's not returning to his wife. He never left his wife. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Maylady said:

like the other person was so easily dispensable.   

Because they have an entire life with someone else so a lover is in fact dispensable like a hobby or something that is not as important as work and family. Unfortunately you seem to be operating on the principle that this was a balanced relationship.

[stillafool]

It's also easier for the man to get over the affair because men can compartmentalize.  So when the affair is over they can close that compartment and move on or back to their real life.

[glows]

I cannot help but rejoice in your freedom for you… it may be difficult at first but you no longer have to factor him into your life or try to twist yourself into a pretzel figuring out how to get him to be with you full time.

Edited October 4, 2022 by glows

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Maylady said:

It's like hell on earth,  which also begs the question, why stay?

It really isn't hell on earth for him he just made you believe that so he could have the affair.  If he had said "I'm in love with may wife and we have a great life; but I would like to have some extra sex on the side with someone different" would you have still gotten involved with him?

[basil67]

Due to the very nature of your relationship with him, you put yourself in a position of being disposable.  If you want more certainty in a relationship, choose a partner who is in a position to be able to commit.

[basil67]

Looking at your history, it seems that pitching yourself as the victim has been part of your approach since the beginning.    Fact is, you knew he was married and made a choice to get involved with him.  You have since reached the logical conclusion of your decisions.

It's way past time that you took some responsibility for your own choices and how those choices have put you in this position.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Maylady said:

.  It doesn't seem that hard for them to walk away from us.  

Keep in mind that unavailable people choose other unavailable people, so reflect on why you went down this road.

Affairs are easy for both people because they require nothing but sneaky ways to meet. There's really no emotional intimacy because there's no honesty or trust or building anything.

[Starswillshine]

Remember, often times OW are the extra topping on the dessert. Not the main dessert. Women often confuse an affair= man doesn't love his wife, must be a horrible relationship, it is one or the other. Most often than that, it isn't that men want one or the other, they want both. If forced to chose, they stick with their main dish, not the extra toppings. 

[mark clemson]

I find it odd that MM's are being mentioned here but MW's are not.  Like MWs never choose to stay in their marriage with their unhappy partner post Dday?? Of course that happens all the time, too.

I think that part of the answer to your question is that ending a marriage is a BIG change and a big deal, with associated ripple effects (such as impacts on finances and children) and so simply not something everyone really wants to deal with. Unhappy marriages that continue despite entrenched problems are common enough to be cliche.

A 2nd factor is probably often the psychological effect of the prospect of breaking up. Break ups often cause a large drop in dopamine. I believe many APs are, in part, "chasing" dopamine. (This is part of what "drives" a normal relationship as well.)  The AP isn't happy enough (in part, getting enough dopamine) in the partnership, and cheating and/or developing a "bond" with a potential partner boosts it and so (genuinely) makes them happier. They then continue this reinforced behavior.

However, a Dday and the sudden and often quite real prospect of losing their "main" partner creates a very large drop in dopamine. Rather than deal with this dopamine drop, they attempt to salvage the main relationship in part in an effort to avoid it and the (often very real, for them) associated distress. Ironically, it's not uncommon for the BS to have essentially zero interest in anything other than separating at that point. So they sometimes "chase" and/or try to reconcile to little avail.

I don't think anyone can give you a "complete" answer, but I think these are two major factors, as are many of the points being made above by other posters.

Edited October 5, 2022 by mark clemson

[Weezy1973]

Marriage = real life. Affair = distraction from real life. 

[Maylady]

I really am over my own situation.   I just noticed a pattern on this site. Not only in my own affair but many other people's affairs. Just trying to ask a question that could be helpful to others facing this dilemma. 

[Will am I]

On 10/4/2022 at 3:53 PM, Maylady said:

It seems to happen a lot.  The MM just goes back to his wife.  It doesn't seem that hard for them to walk away from us.  Mine cut and ran when his wife found out. Never heard from him again. How can they just walk like that

I take it that you were the OW in an affair where you wanted it to be more, maybe hoped the affair would be a prelude to a new permanent relationship?

Perspective: not every OW has expectations like that. For example "my" xOW didn't. She didn't want real commitment and she seemed happy by being the girl on the side. Although I think that the uncommitting attitude was in fact caused by childhood trauma, it was the attitude that she chose for herself.

Other perspective: at one point in time I knew I needed to break contact with xOW because I had decided that my struggling marriage was still worth a good, committed attempt at improving things. I ended things with xOW and broke contact. After that moment she didn't hear from me anymore. Did she at times feel dispensed? Maybe. It's possible that no-contact can give someone that feeling. What she didn't see is how often I thought about her, how much I missed her, my warm feelings for her. It's gradually worn off but emotionally it's not like left her to disappear into thin air. 

[heartwhole2]

I think that's a really interesting way to frame it . . . "why am I so easily disposed of?" Relationships are a two-way street, and anyone, even your spouse of decades, can end that relationship at any time. That doesn't have any bearing on your worth or how nice it is being married to (or in an affair with) you.

I think affairs are often a Catch 22 because a person struggling with self-esteem sees the married person's interest in them as some kind of proof of their worthiness via their ability to attract this person. And then when the affair ends and that person is the opposite of interested in them, then it's a catastrophic wound to the ego. But a healthy person would probably meet a MM and think, um no thanks, call me when you're single; I don't have time for this nonsense.

You weren't disposed of because a person who made you no promises lied to someone else to have sex with you and then didn't dump them for you in the end. You simply experienced the natural and predictable consequences of trusting an obviously un-trustworthy person. This is not to excuse the MM -- we don't get to mistreat other people just because they seem willing. Our behavior is always on us. But it's possible to gauge our chances of being hurt by others based on how they conduct themselves. We can save ourselves a lot of heartache this way.

By your logic, a BW would need to think, "Why was I so easily disposed of for the OW during the affair?" Do you really think she should think that? I don't internalize my husband's affair as being anything about me. Certainly his enduring gratitude for and appreciation of me suggest it couldn't have been. But even if he'd run off into the sunset with the OW, I know that I am a damn fine person and partner, and it's a shame if it didn't work out with the father of my children, but I will love and thrive again.

To sum up, I really think this is an issue of self love. Your worth is a constant that comes from a deep foundation within; it can't be rocked by interest from others, or the lack thereof.